and when i catch my breath, it's you i breathe

okay so yesterday morning, as i was sipping peppermint tea out of my beauty and the beast thermos and eating pink berry frozen yogurt while sitting in the lobby of a building full of dentist offices because it was freezing cold outside, these were the thoughts that were going through my mind:

[one] i try not to breathe whenever it's dusty because i have this fear that the dust is really the cremated ash of some dead person that i am inhaling into my lungs and getting stuck on my tongue. blech.

[two] i sometimes wonder about those points in a person's life when they change from the hope of the future to the disappointment of the present. like when we're really young we're told that everything's possible, the sky's the limit, dreams are supposed to be big, blah blah blah. then we grow up a bit, and not everything is possible, but there are a million opportunities waiting for your picking and dreams are considered ambitious. then you grow up a little more and realize that not much is possible, reality is hard, and big dreams just mean that you need to grow up and stop embarrassing yourself.

[three] despite all my grumbling about how reality sucks and fictional worlds are where i want to be, sometimes i think that if books did come true, and i was standing on the brink of an adventure full of fairies and dragons and wizards, i'm not entirely sure that i wouldn't run in the opposite direction and cower in a corner until it all goes away.

[four] people in their cars are weird. some apparently believe that their car is a soundproof bubble of invisibility and they can do whatever they want in it without worrying about other people. other people seem to think that when they're in their car they're under a giant spotlight and everyone is looking at them. they always look posed and uncomfortable and glance around a lot to see who's watching.

[five]  okay so there really wasn't a five, but i don't like even numbers so i couldn't very well leave it at four. there are about two weeks left of the semester and then glorious vacation. which will hopefully include snow, and lots of it. i just have one assignment, one fifteen page research paper, and a couple of exams, and i will be done. for the assignment, the professor said to write ten possible test questions from each lecture. i took this to mean ten questions from every lecture, resulting in one hundred and twenty questions. the other girl in my class took it to mean ten questions taken from the lectures. i got to forty six, she told me she submitted only ten, and suddenly my motivation went flying out the window. as soon as i finish this, though, i will go try and force myself to finish them just in case i'm right.

*Everywhere - Michelle Branch

i'm a waste of breath, of space, of time

"Shall I tell you a story? A new and terrible one? A ghost story? Are you ready? Shall I begin? Once upon a time there were four girls. One was pretty. One was clever. One charming, and another one was mysterious. But they were all damaged, you see. Something not right about the lot of them. Bad blood. Big dreams. Oh, I left that part out. Sorry, that should have come before. They were all dreamers, these girls.

One by one, night after night, the girls came together. And they sinned. Do you know what that sin was? Their sin was that they believed. Believed they could be different. Special. They believed they could change what they were - damaged, unloved. Cast-off things. They would be alive, adored, needed. Necessary. But it wasn't true. This is a ghost story, remember? A tragedy.

They were misled. Betrayed by their own stupid hopes. Things couldn't be different for them, because they weren't special after all. So life took them, led them, and they went along, you see? They faded before their own eyes, till they were nothing more than living ghosts, haunting each other with what could be. What can't be.

There, now. Isn't that the scariest story you've ever heard?"

~Felicity's scary story, A Great and Terrible Beauty, pg 313-15, Libba Bray

i was reading this book (i could have sworn that i read it before from the title but couldn't remember it and while reading it again there are a few points that jog my memory but enough that doesn't to make it feel like i'm reading it for the first time) and this part jumped out at me, so obviously i copied it into my blog. i took out all the interruptions and stuff so it's not exactly how it was written, but whatever. the last paragraph is one of my greatest fears i think. 

it also brings to mind this part of bright eyes' song, waste of paint:

I just sit and watch the people there. 

And they remind me of wind up cars in motion.

The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.

And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense.

All your life's one track, can't you see it's pointless?

But then, my knees give under me. 

My head feels weak 

and suddenly 

it is clear to see that it is not them but me, 

who has lost my self-identity.

As I hide behind these books I read, 

while scribbling my poetry,

like art could save a wretch like me, 

with some ideal ideology 

that no one can hope to achieve.

And I am never real; it's just a sketch of me.

And everything I made is trite and cheap and a waste 

of paint, of tape, of time.

*Waste of Paint - Bright Eyes

maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true

i have been avoiding writing a post all weekend because i didn't want to write that i had assignments due today that i didn't do (still needa get started on that) or that i wasted all of friday and saturday reading meg cabot's the mediator series (yeah not the most difficult literature to get through, but still six books in two days shows how much time i had that could have been spent on homework) that i was told to read a while back because one of the main characters is a friend's literary crush and she couldn't believe i had never read the books growing up.

when i couldn't fit the books into my bookcase because it is already too stuffed but i don't have space right now for a bigger one, my brothers started telling me that when they grow up they're each gonna have a huge library in their houses and i can keep the books that don't fit in my shelf with them (it was a very proud moment for me lol). anyway, we somehow got to talking about what our dream houses would look like, and this is what i came up with (it's more of what i want whatever house i'm in to have):

my dream house will have high ceilings. it will have huge windows in every room so you'll never need to turn on a light when the sun is shining. it will have a library (depending on the rest of the house, this can be a beauty and the beast type one or a cozy one with overstuffed chairs and a fire place). it will have window seats. it will be bright. it will have chairs you can sink in. it will have a big kitchen to bake in. it will not be huge. it will be by an ocean. maybe.

if i had to choose a house out of a book, i think i would take shell cottage (bill and fleur's place from harry potter 7). cottages are awesome, don't you think?

*Wouldn't It Be Nice - The Beach Boys

and in a couple hours i'll be dead

okay so people, namely all my cousins in saudi arabia, have been having the weirdest reactions to my engagement. i feel like i'm gonna get off the plane over there and they'll have a coffin ready for me to climb into. yes, they are making me feel like i am dying not getting married. or at least going somewhere far, far away from where i can never ever come back and they can never go. for example, the first cousin i told (well, actually he was the third, but he was the first to respond), after saying that he was happy for me and wished me all the best said something along the lines of, "i will miss you so much, and i will never forget you. you will always have a special place in my heart." (actually, that may be exactly what he said.) my response was, "um lool i'm not dying. why are you making me feel like i'll never see you again?" he replied with something stupid like "i know" or something equally pointless.

the second cousin i told replied with, "that is so exciting, i will miss you soo much." umm thanks :/.

her niece that i spend practically all summer with sent an i will never forget you and then changed her profile pic on facebook to one of me and her and her status to "i will miss you sarah." in all caps.

her sister sent me a message saying, "don't ever forget me because i will never forget you and the fun times we had together."

do you see the trend going on here? why is everyone going to miss me anymore than they do when i see them a couple of months a year. why do i have to be remembered and not forget them either? i mean, yes, my older sister sees them a lot less than she used to, but that doesn't mean i will. i will still talk to them. i will still see them. i really don't plan on changing any of that. so their reactions, though i find them mildly hilarious, creep me out a little. i swear i'm not dying. i do not have any special kool-aid to drink on my wedding night. i will still be me and ignore their messages for weeks and weeks before sending some lame "sorry. i've been so busy with school. here is an answer to every pointless thing you've sent me over the past month. i miss you too and can't wait for the summer either." at least... i'm pretty sure. do they know something i don't know?

*Sunsets and Car Crashes - The Spill Canvas

i stole your style, hope you don't mind

so i stumbled upon this site yesterday called I Write Like that is, according to the site, a "statistical analysis tool, which analyzes your word choice and writing style and compares them with those of the famous writers." so of course i decided to not do my homework (i still have until thursday to do it, and there are more important things in life than finishing homework early) and instead see who i write like. i picked a random blog post to start with, but then analyzed all the posts from october and november, you know, so i'll have a more accurate analysis (and it took more time). here were my results:

the first author i got, for this post, was arthur c clarke. i had no idea who he was previously, and so i'm not sure how similar our writing styles are. i think it may have come up because he's science fiction and i talked about stars and time?

i got stephenie meyer. twice. (this post and this one.) you can imagine my elation at that one. :/  i also got jk rowling for this one, but since i'm pretty sure it's only because it's about harry, it doesn't count.

this post about waking up early got me jd salinger. since i'm pretty sure i love salinger more than is probably healthy, i was happy.

i got dan brown twice (this one and the one where i talked about angels and demons). the second one falls into the jk rowling category, though. aside from the fact that i think dan brown is in love with his character (not in the normal i love my character way, but in a if i was his wife i'd be worried way) i was okay with this.

i got james joyce once, chuck palahniuk twice (did i ever tell you of my obsession with chuck? i have had his entire collection of books in my amazon shopping cart and ebay watch list for longer than i can remember. i am in love with his ideas and the way that he writes, but i have never read a single one of his books. yet. i really don't know what i'm waiting for but every time i go to get the books i decide to wait. i know he'll be one of my top favorite authors though), that post i wrote on water got me harry harrison (aside from a pretty cool name, he wrote the basis for the movie soylent green which makes him pretty much awesome), and i got douglas adams twice (for this and this). i had just been talking to my mom about douglas adams like an hour before doing this, so i thought it was relevant. plus, who wouldn't want to be compared to him? even by a statistical analysis tool that i'm pretty sure is pretty fake.

but, with a whopping nine posts in his style, i think the writer that i am most like (according to this) is cory doctorow. don't know who he is? that's okay, i didnt either. apparently he is a canadian blogger, journalist, and science fiction author. that alone makes him super cool in my books, and in this blog there are no other books that matter. i'll have to read some of his stuff since we're apparently literary soul mates.

there are a lot of links in this post. you know, in case you didn't notice.

*Hope You Like the New Me - Richard Thompson

you think you know me well, but you don't know

so i was talking to a friend the other day, and i mentioned the Baby in Black (my nickname for my younger nephew) and she thought that it was a reference to the will smith movies, men in black. now, this was not what i had in mind and didnt even occur to me when i first decided to call him that this summer. in fact, i only watched a few random parts of a men in black movie a couple years back when someone put it on our tv. i never played the disney world game of it. i think there was a cartoon? if there was, i never watched it. i had a men in black toy but it came with my mcdonald's happy meal so i don't think that really counts. what i'm trying to get at is, i was never a men in black fan, and so why would i nickname my nephew after it?

i am, however, a LOST fan, which you may have picked up on by reading this blog, especially as the series was ending in the spring. and in lost, there is a character referred to as the Man in Black. the rest of this post is rife with spoilers, by the way. anyway, he eventually becomes the smoke monster, or the smoke monster becomes him, or some other LOSTian twist, and in the final season we get to know more about him and jacob, the leader or what have you of the island. we find out that jacob and the man in black are brothers, both born on the island. in one episode we see their mother get shipwrecked on the island. as she is stumbling along very pregnantly, she gets help by this island lady. the island lady takes her back to her cave where she helps her deliver the baby. the baby comes out, the lady says it's a boy, and the mom says his name is jacob. she had the name all well thought out ahead of time. then, surprise of all surprises, turns out she's having twins. when the next baby is delivered, also a boy, the mom says, "i only had one name." and then the island lady smashes her skull in with a rock.

for someone who appeared to be so upset by the fact that a mom would only have one name chosen out, the island lady (who pretends to be jacob and MiB's mom for years and years and years) didn't seem to come up with any name either. we watch as they grow up and hear "jacob, jacob, jacob" but only "your brother" or "you" when the MiB is addressed or referred to. even the LOST people (creators, writers, directors, etc) just called him the Man in Black and Boy in Black. (he always wore black. jacob wore white.) i mean, would it really have been that hard to name the kid, crazy island lady? no wonder he grew up angry and killed you. how would you like it if your older brother got a name and you were stuck with a very unwitty nickname referencing what color you were always put in.

so what does this have to do with omar (my nephew's real name)? well, my sister had hamza (her first son) picked out as a name from like the very beginning. it was known that he would be hamza. for omar, up until like the week before her due date (and probably even later) she was undecided. name for the first son, no name for the second. sound familiar? and from that was born my nickname, Baby in Black.

so no, when i call my nephew i am not thinking of some dude in a suit with sunglasses. i am thinking instead of a poor island boy turned evil smoke monster that just wanted to get off the stupid island.

*You Don't Know Me - Michael Buble

i've got so much left to say

after sitting at joe for nearly four hours, i have just finished my fifty thousand words required to win nanowrimo. i still haven't finished the story, though. i'm only about three quarters of the way through and am actually contemplating leaving it at that. i mean, if you heard some of the stuff that is going into that wannabe novel, i think you'd kill yourself laughing. seriously. my sister almost did when i was telling her of some of the more pathetic ideas that crept into my brain and onto the screen in my desperate attempt to just make the word count. you, though, won't get the chance to laugh at me because i have too much dignity for that.

this nano was nothing like last year's, and though there were points when i seriously thought i should probably stop wasting my time spewing crap into open office with all of the other stuff going on in my life that actually required time and attention, i'm glad i didn't. the month was filled with random spurts of writing that may have kept me sane throughout everything else. plus, i got a bunch of really cool postcards from the nano postcard exchange.

ash, if you are reading this, then this is me cheering you on from the other side (of the finish line. i'm not a ghost or anything. nano didnt kill me i promise). you can do it!

now excuse me while i run off to bed. i'm not really tired, but i think i should be.

*Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's

(insert relevant song lyric here)

the harry potter stars speaking 'american.' watch it. please. this is what i am thankful for on this thanksgiving. well, this and supersoft kleenex tissues. oh, and mashed potatoes... and apple pie.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

i should not be this annoyed on a day dedicated to being grateful. grr.

i lost my place, but i can't stop this story

so for the past week almost we have had no internet in the house. with all of the commotions going on, i have not ventured much out of the house. that means that i was completely cut off from the online world for an entire week. it was crazy, though i didnt miss it as much as i thought i would. probably because i was too busy. anyway, after getting stood up by our dsl guy three days in a row, we switched to cable internet. yesterday, everyone in the house got internet... except me. it was really sad. i think joe is having trouble adapting to change or something, stupid temperamental computer. but now i have internet, for all intents and purposes, though it decides to  disappear randomly (like while i am writing this post for example. what the hell internet). that's fun. like my sister said, it's like being in saudi arabia just in case i was starting to miss it. i wasn't really.

among the recent commotions around my house, my sister had her baby. did i mention that already? i feel like i might have, but i'm pretty sure i didnt have internet at the time? i dont know, anything earlier than two minutes ago confuses me. it's all one big whirl of past commotions. anyway, she brought home the Baby in Black and he's all cute and small and new. so that's exciting.

oh, and yesterday we threw a pokemon birthday for my brother. i made a team rocket shirt that's beautiful.

also, if you look over at my nano progress bar, you'll see that i have used my internetless nights wisely. though i had been seriously sidetracked, i am now right on track with my nano. there may be a gap in the plot because i didnt reread what i had before jumping back in, but that's okay. it's mostly random rambling, but it's words and they count. i think i said i would tell you all what it's about, right? well, my novel is a middle grade fiction about a group of kids that have random magical powers (some can fly, super strength, mind control, whatever). they wake up one morning to find that all the teachers of their school are kidnapped, and they follow a trail of clues left by the kidnappers to get them back. they learn that creatures of their bedtime stories really do exist and meet giants, leprechauns, etc on their way to the teachers. it's not what i usually write, but the words come fast and easy when i actually get the chance to write them so that's good. some of the characters i have taken from my character reserve so they're happy that they finally get a story and some magic, even if it is one highly in need of editing. i think after rereading harry potter and then reading the girl who could fly for my brothers, i couldnt really expect my stressed out brain to come up with anything else but children fantasy. the other three stories i tried died out a few thousand words in.

speaking of harry potter, i still havent watched the movie. doesnt that make you sad? i had plans to watch it the day it came out, but plans don't work too well with my family. you know who did watch it, though? that girl in my class who didnt even know what it was. apparently she wanted to see what the hype was about. she thought, though, that it was part one of the series not part one of the final book and hearing her talk about it made me want to scream. gah. i'm planning on watching it next week.

*Spinning - Jack's Mannequin