Wednesday, October 2, 2013

i know it's wrong, it's a problem i'm dealing

(i started this post a few days ago, but then got sidetracked and didn't get a chance to finish it. i have school stuff that i've been putting off that i need to do today so instead of going until the end of the week postless, i am going to post what i wrote as part one, because i am too wordy anyway and it makes enough sense on its own. i don't even have time to reread it right now, so i apologize for typos and the like.)

so i have two problems (that i will discuss right now): one is a lying problem when i'm put on the spot and one is a problem with being uncomfortable with attention. they kind of overlap. these were huge problems for me when i was younger that i have managed to get under control somewhat. sometimes i slip, though, and end up doing things like telling my classmates that i went apple picking over the weekend instead of just saying that i did nothing. and once you start a lie, as cliche as this sounds, it grows. and though the original one usually comes out as a total surprise to me (i will very often have a second of, "wait, i did what now?" shock when my mouth decides to think for itself and try to get the spotlight off of me), i have to keep adding to the lies because i can't be like "oh haha just kidding" without looking like a total idiot. so i flesh out the story, answer questions, throw in a few details, and usually pick things out from stories told to me by someone else until they move on to the next person.

it's a problem i am trying to deal with, and if you compare ten year old me to twenty-five year old me, you'll realize that i have made tons of progress.

since i started college, most of my lies are given to people that i never see again after the three or four months that we share three hours a week. so it's not much of an issue. (i mean, i still need to learn to stop myself from these gut reaction panic things, but really, who cares if two people last fall think i went apple picking when i didn't?) it's the lies that i told when i was younger that are the real problem. these are lies that the people i grew up with and still keep in touch with think are the truths about me. i really only remember a few of them, though i still clearly remember that moment of panic (that was especially strong when i first moved to virginia and the next few years) that would fall over me when someone would ask me something directly. my brain would automatically supply my mouth with the first thing it could think of to get the attention off of me. a lot of the time, these were lies. (usually about stupid things, though. like, extraneous details about my life and family. nothing at all major, but still.)

i don't think anyone fully realizes the extent of my lying, though. the people who got the lies didn't know any better and the ones that would know better never heard about them. it was a defense mechanism of the best kind. but yesterday, while talking fangirl with my mom, i mentioned one of my lies. and she thought that, as stupid as it would make me look, i should finally tell the truth. so. since this blog is where i am the most honest to and about myself, and since it is also where i document some of the more embarrassing things that happen to me/i have done, here is my confession.

end super long introduction that was supposed to be a paragraph to set the stage. (i'm very wordy these days.)

*If You're Gone - Matchbox 20


  1. anonymous hippopotamusOctober 2, 2013 at 12:40 PM

    >:[ :O AAAAAHHHHH CLIFFHANGER!!! what is your freaking better be typing up part two like right now!

  2. anonymous hippopotamusOctober 2, 2013 at 12:44 PM

    Oh and side offense to any of your friends who read this blog and the comments...your friends are extremely gullible. I mean they took my word over yours about piano lessons...I would have lied to them about everything too :P :P

  3. lol calm down it's really not that exciting. the only reason that i lied about it for so long was because it was so stupid that i lied about it in the first place. also, you may already know "the confession." so yeah.

  4. anonymous hippopotamusOctober 3, 2013 at 2:43 AM

    :( but I hate cliffhangers....and I need to know even if I already do know.