what did you say

so yesterday i took an online personality quiz because, really, does a better way for a potential-maybe-phd-grad-but-probably-not to spend her time exist? i think probably not. of course, i was expecting to get cast as my typical you like this but you also like that and sometimes you get sad but you get happy too and if you were an animal you'd be a cat answer. instead, the quiz tells me that i am a troubled individual with unique abilities. now, i'm not one hundred percent sure about this, but i am pretty certain that that is the first time i've been called a troubled individual. at least to my face. it then went on to tell me that:

Unlike most people, you have a strong — at times destructive — independent streak. Routine tasks are frustrating and often impossible to complete, unless you’ve created them for yourself.
At the moment, you are under substantial stress and anxiety. This is caused by the unshakable feeling that you’re not fully in control of your own life. An existing relationship in your life, either romantic or business-related, is currently unsatisfactory. You’re presently contemplating the possibility of escape. This can make you irritable or uncomfortable at times, even around the people you love.
However, when you are in control, you’re capable and even excited to make difficult decisions. This occasionally leaves you feeling isolated or alone. You are willing to make this trade-off, if it means being in charge of your own life.
The darker emotions inside you — those underlying urges that all humans have — are very strong. And yet, you have the ability to harness that energy to achieve your goals. This makes you unique among our testing population. You can focus your energy, both positive and negative.

and you know what? i'll take it. i never really felt like i was a cat anyway.

on a completely unrelated note, a couple of weeks ago someone mentioned that they hated when people said "fustrated" instead of "frustrated." i had no idea what she was talking about because ew did people really say fustrated? i had never heard that. and then i'm talking with my brother and he says that the fact that his teacher has a really heavy accent that no one understands is fustrating. and then in class a kid says that bosses can be fustrating. and in the meeting i had yesterday the guy said that people get very fustrated in a phd degree. and oh my god i cannot for the life of me understand what happened. suddenly i'm hearing this everywhere and i hate it. it makes me want to punch the "fustrated" person in the face. at least with my brother i could correct him. it's typically considered unacceptable to correct a person's pronunciation in a lot of social and academic settings. but where did people get fustrated from? how long has this been going on? is it possible for me to go back to a time when i didn't know this happened? because i would like that very much.

*Anthem for the Unwanted - New Found Glory

could you tell me what to say?

i have been having trouble blogging recently: finding the time to do it, finding things to write about, finding the correct words to use. it's all hard for me. so i was thinking about those thirty day challenges that are all over the internet like weeds, and i thought, maybe that's what i need. a thirty day challenge to tell me exactly what to write about every day. so i googled thirty day challenge, and picked the first thing that popped up. i'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a picture challenge, but whatever. for the next thirty days (hopefully) i will write a post about exactly what it tells me to write. ready? let's go.

[day one: you]

this is one where taking a picture would be so much easier. i'm not exactly sure if i should do looks or personality so, here's both.

i look and dress like the kind of person that blends into the crowd, and i'm happy with that. after getting married this summer, i gained weight and people assume i'm pregnant. i'm working on that. i'm almost twenty four years old (eek) with absolutely no idea where i want my life to go aside from the vague dreams that i can't bring myself to really work towards. i like books more than most people, and sadness is my default emotion. i like to read out loud but don't do it very often. i like burt's bees chapstick, nostalgia, and music. i have dreams to travel the world, and all the laziness and procrastination to make sure it never happens. i can't remember a time in my life without little kids around. i'm too practical to be cool and probably wear jeans and hoodies far too often. i'm not a picky eater. i lack motivation and the ability to see things through to the end. the last nail polish color i had on was papaya.

*Tell Me What to Say - John Mayer

i'm coming clean

there are something like two weeks left of my master's degree. when did that happen? and i'm still waiting to hear back from the phd program. with uncertainty about my future once again hanging in the air, i think it's time for me to confess something. it's something that's been weighing on my mind for years now, a facade i've been keeping alive just because it was so convenient. but now, i think it's time that you all knew the truth. ready? here goes.

i am not a good student.

shocking, right? i mean, after being in school for a good eighty three percent of my life, i lave learned to be good at school. really good when the mood suits me. but i have in no way learned how to be a good student. you know the type? that studies and shows up to class and gets the grades and participates and learns stuff. i think that's where my biggest problem lies. i don't learn anything. i can ace a test with my eyes closed, but i will have no idea what you tested me on three point seven seconds later. i just figured out at a young age what teachers are likely to test me on, i keep it in my mind for the test, and then it's gone with the wind.

people just assume when they see me that i'm a good student because i have all the symptoms: i'm quiet, i like to read, i am usually writing in a notebook in class (they assume i'm taking notes), and i know a lot of the right answers. i'm here to finally correct this misconception.

you see, i am no better than a bad student who cheats. i have gotten through my education on smoke and mirrors, and now that it is almost done, maybe forever, i think that it is important for you to know this. i know nothing. and that will most likely come back to bite me now.

so when i fall flat on my face in the real world, and people whisper shocked comments behind their hands that they had such high hopes for me because i was such a good student, you can all go correct them. let them know that i have never once been a good student. tell them to drop their expectations to the level they would have for the burn out who sat in the back of the class sleeping and repeated fourth grade seven times. i'm kinda like him.

*Coming Clean - Hilary Duff (is it weird that this song has been randomly stuck in my head for the past day or so? it is, isn't it?)

assuming that she'll get it wrong, perfect only in her imperfection

do you ever wonder about how much of you is you and how much is based on other people? like what parts of your personality would be the same no matter what place and time you were born into and which parts developed because of the environment you found yourself in. a common characteristic of INTPs is that we don't try something unless we know we'll excel at it. for example, i'll probably never ride a horse. not because i don't want to, but because i don't know that i'll get it right the first time. the idea of being okay with the fact that i'm not good at something i've never done before is ridiculous to me. i just don't know how to do it. the fear of failure is extreme. the fear of not being good or as good or good enough defines a lot of what i do. that's just the way i am, the way i've always been.

but here's where the lines blur. is that really who i always was or is it who i became? is there really a difference? since i was little, i've been known to be the smart one. not trying to sound cocky here, but it was just assumed that i would do well at whatever i tried. this image of perfection everyone had of me came with its own set of pressures. i hate to disappoint people, and if they expect me to be perfect then that's what i had to be, or so baby me always thought. but when your aim is constant perfection, it's hard to try new things that you aren't perfect at. it's hard to fail at something again and again, even if it is something you've never done before. trying new things, things i wasn't absolutely certain i could do, became an impossibility. because perfect people do not make mistakes. and i had to be perfect for the people around me. or that's one way of looking at it, at least: i need to be good at anything/everything i do because that's what people expected of me.

you know, though, having everyone think of you as perfect is a lot less satisfying than it would seem. you don't congratulate someone who's never had a sip of alcohol on their sobriety. you don't go around giving awards out to people every night for not killing someone. you don't throw a celebration when a senior in high school can correctly solve ten simple addition problems. you don't because that is all expected. it's just the natural order of things, and what's expected is never as exciting or praise-worthy as something that's not. so actually doing well in anything was never a big deal because, well, of course i was going to do well. i'm me, after all. and any small slip was/is the end of the world because, well, i'm me after all. 

so you could draw a compelling case that the part of my personality that refuses to see mistakes in myself as a normal part of life (though i'm more than okay with others making mistakes and go out of my way to assure them that everyone does. yeah yeah i can be hypocritical. whatever.) is because of the environment i grew up in, but you could also convincingly say that that's just the way i am, the way i've always been. it's just me. 

do personality traits that are completely you, unadulterated by any outside forces, exist? is everything you are based off of who you know, what you've seen, and where you've been? does it make any difference?

/psychobabble.

*Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin

hello world, this is me.

last semester for class we had to take the myers-briggs test (the personality quiz). we filled in pages of those little bubble answering sheets, sent our answers off to be analyzed, and then spent an entire class period doing activities and getting our results. this was back when my senior design class was fun. anyways, my result was the INTP (Introversion, iNtuition, Thinking, Perception).

i recently came across this site on another blog that had profiles of the different personality types. mine was scarily accurate... about most things. here are parts that i felt described me best:

INTP- The Wizard <- cool name. right??

"As children, INTPs are inwardly focused, often enjoying their own thoughts more than the company of others. They are full of questions, sometimes voiced, most often not."

i was so quiet as a kid that they seriously thought i was mentally challenged. it wasnt until halfway through first grade that they realized that i wasnt.

"It is the process, the quest, that has been most interesting to them. Once they have found the answer, they do not often share it because the answer is obvious, and documenting the obvious is redundant. This attitude includes a tendency not to response or speak up in groups, because the INTP feels that what he or she was going to say seems so obvious that no one would want to hear it."

that first sentence is me in a nutshell.

"They like being the architect of a plan, because of the scheming and thinking involved, far more than being the implementer of that plan. Implementation tends to be drudgery."

this kind of goes along with the previous statement, and is why i can never seem to finish anything.

"INTP's tend not to be writers."

this broke my heart. i know you're not supposed to let these things define you and blah blah blah, but this makes perfect sense. :(

"They prefer to work quietly, without interruption, and often alone."

uh... duh.

"If left to his or her own devices the INTP mate will retreat into the world of books and emerge only when physical needs become imperative."

this one made me laugh. i think ive already gotten there since college. apparently high school didnt "leave me to my own devices" as much.

"As a parent, the INTP is devoted; they enjoy children, and are serious about their upbringing. The home of an INTP parent is usually calm, low-key in discipline, but well run and ordered."

not yet a parent, but judging from my brothers and most little kids in general... i can see this.

the whole thing was a pretty interesting read...

*Hello World - Belle Perez