sometimes in life you drop little innocent hints about yourself and your location across multiple social media platforms that in and of themselves are neither too revealing nor harmful, but if you put them all together then they maybe just might be if you squint and tilt your head slightly to the left. other times in life you spend years taking classes in cyber security and grow into a very paranoid person that is hesitant to even look at a computer without first putting a paper bag over your head. and then there are the times where the first and second overlap just so and you end up leaving the country for three weeks but scheduling blog posts so that no one will know on the off chance that you have a crazy stalker waiting to break into your apartment the second they learn that it's empty. (granted, i mentioned on here that i would be leaving the country ahead of time so really, the whole effort was moot but whatever.)

anyway, i'm back! (i was gone as of july tenth, just in case you were wondering.) and i am exhausted. it feels like i spent a ridiculously large portion of those three weeks on airplanes and in airports. (i will probably calculate the exact percentage of my vacation that i spent in the air because i am a nerd, but it will have to wait until tomorrow because of that whole exhausted thing.) another large portion of that time was spent without the time/internet access to blog. (which i had planned for, hence the scheduled posts, but i was still supposed to write something last week.) i'm sure there are stories from my vacation that will seem blog-worthy in the morning, but at the moment, the only thought in my head is how delicious chinese food would taste right now. 

also, i definitely remember spending a lot of time before i left cleaning my apartment, but when i walked in today (after a taxi ride that i could not keep my eyes open in after the airlines didn't send one of our bags after we had to suffer through an annoyingly not-direct flight because we made reservations really late this year) and thinking, ugh the apartment looks so effing cluttered. because it is, of course. because there is really no other way for it be. i mean, there are only so many places that you can keep things in a one bedroom apartment. add to that the fact that i have an unhealthy addiction to yarn, regularly make and bring home pottery pieces throughout the year, have more books than i have room for, and a very bad habit of keeping everything "for memories" and, well... i'm sure you get the picture. i am able to block it out for most of the year, but the second i go to saudi arabia, where my room (in both families' houses) is sparse and neat and empty slash big enough so that even some things thrown on the floor doesn't make it look too messy, that ability disappears and i come back and just see small and cluttered and junk. but at the end of the day, it is my small and cluttered apartment and i love it. which is why i am the worst at house hunting fyi. 

i have been in jeddah for about a week now (which means internet yay!) but just have not found the time or will to get back into blogging. there are so many blog posts that i have to read to catch up on the blogs that i'm following, there are so many posts that i have written in my head that need to be translated to pixels, there are so many visits to make and people to see and chess games to play (my brothers - especially the eleven year old - are newly obsessed with the game), and my i key is hardly working so i have to pound on it seven times every time i want to type an i. you just do not realize how many i's you use until something like this happens.

anyway, today is the first day of ramadan, so happy ramadan to everyone. i'm going to get into summer stories later so i guess this post is just a tad bit pointless, but i thought that seventeen days without any sort of update was a bit ridiculous. so here i am.

oh, and  cut my hair. it's the shortest it's been since i was probably seven (and now i'm twenty-four). it was the result of a semi-mix-up and resulted in a mini heart attack immediately after, but it's grown on me and i kind of like it now. so yeah, that's my big summer news. 

i've been living this lie for way too long

for as long as i can remember, i've been selling myself as "the bridge between the east and west." i am from saudi arabia and america, virtually the polar opposites of the world. i am proof that it is possible to connect them, to bring them together in one place, one idea, one person. at the start of every semester, when we have to introduce ourselves to the class, the interesting fact about me has always been that i am half saudi and half american. (which, incidentally, has always reminded me of that quote from jane eyre: "But I don't mean to flatter you: if you are cast in a different mould to the majority, it is no merit of yours: Nature did it.") anyway, i announce it like it's the coolest thing. like it's something that i myself accomlished. i parade around claiming that i can connect these places that, to an outsider, are so completely unconnectable. because i am the bridge.

in reality, the biggest similarity between the two countries is that i don't really belong to either.

i always find myself a little surprised that no one calls me out on my lie, because i most definitely am not a bridge. i am neither here nor there, not saudi and not american. how can i bridge the two places when i am floating aimlessly somewhere in between them. i'm struggling to make the two halves fit inside of me. how am i supposed to connect them for everyone else?

in every essay about myself that i have written since the tenth grade, whether it be for class or college admissions or whatever, i have been promising people that, if they just give me half a chance, i will connect the world for them. and if i were in charge of reading college admission essays, i'd rather let the girl who writes her essay about her fascination with snooki (i can't decide if it's sad that i had to google her name or if it's sad that i think it's sad that i had to google her name) in, than the girl who insists she's some sort of architectural structure. at least the first is honest.

so this is me, almost a decade late, telling you that there is a west and there is an east, and although they may seem totally different at first, there are more similarities between them than what meets the eye. but i am not a bridge between them and i never will be. just a frequent visitor of both.

on a completely unrelated note, here's a video about "doofy" commercial husbands that i thought funny. actually, the whole "target women" series is worth taking a look at if you have the time.

*Living a Lie - 3 Doors Down

stretching out like rubber bands to kiss the cheeks and shake the hands

so i just got back from london and have decided that i am kind of sick of trying to write blogs that recap the summer. mainly because it seems like i never have time anymore and by the time i get to writing the post, so much has happened in between that it ends up sounding wooden and laundry list like. but because part of me feels like all of this should at least be mentioned somewhere, this post will be a quick recap of everything from the wedding to this point. starting tomorrow (because hopefully i'll get back to blogging daily again) i will not be doing any more summer recaps.

so anyway, after the wedding we spent to more nights in jeddah (my side of the country) before going over to dammam (his side of the country). a lot of his family was not able to come to the real wedding so they put together a dinner in my honor/second wedding. i had a hair dresser make up lady come to the hotel room to do my stuff for me, and it was a disaster. because it was not really a wedding wedding, i told her to do something simple with my hair. she said she had the perfect simple hairdo for my face shape so i said okay and let her do her thing. she had half of my hair hanging down in my face while she worked with the other half so i couldn't see what she was doing until the very end when she pulled the hair out of my face to design the bang part. it took all of my will not to start crying and the only thing that stopped me was that she had already done the makeup. she had put my hair up in a tower on the top of my head. a roll of hair, a braid, a roll of hair, a braid, and then a final poof of hair. it was really tall. i looked like a character from a dr. seuss book. i wish i took a picture of it but i was too busy freaking out to think of it. we were supposed to leave the house at eight:thirty and she finished eight:fifteen so i just let her go and then started freaking out when my husband came in. we ended up taking apart the tower and by the end i looked okay, but it was awful. and i was nervous about meeting his whole family which made it worse. but the dinner was fun. we talked and danced and ate and my dress turned black from the street and it was a struggle getting in and out of cars. but it was fun.

his side of the country was ridiculously hot, though. even in the middle of the night it was sweltering which didn't make sense because the sun was gone so it should cool down. it didn't. also, it was awkward doing the whole shaking hand-kissing cheek thing with his family. on my side of the country we do right-left-left or however many lefts you want. his side does all right. i didn't realize this until ten or so awkward times when our heads would get confused and almost hit into each other. i picked it up though at the end.

after spending a week in his side of the country, we went back to mine for two days, and then we came back to america. there were a couple of days spent in exhaustion and then we were on a plane again to london. and oh my god i loved london. it was beautiful and the people were awesome and there was so much to see and do and i need to go back. as soon as possible. it was kind of expensive, especially since the dollar is worthless compared to the pound, but it was still awesome. when we got there, though, we found ourselves cut off from all forms of communication. this meant that i couldn't meet up with a friend, i couldn't contact my family, i couldn't check my email, or basically do anything. though this just gave us less things to distract us from the city. we did the main attraction tour (big ben, westminster abbey, buckingham palace, etc.), we saw stonehenge, went on the london eye, a river cruise, a harry potter tour (of course) and had a picnic in hyde park. we also went to a few museums, and oh my god are their museums cool. the science museum was mini compared to most smithsonian museums over here, but it was the coolest thing since the printing press. the museum of natural history was really cool, too, but i think all natural history museums are cool on principle. we also went to disneyland in paris for a day which was awesome. there is still so much i want to see and do there though, and i am planning my next trip from now.

so that's pretty much what i've been doing lately instead of blogging. i've been busy and things have been hectic. things should calm down a bit now, though. we just need to go shopping for a zillion things for the apartment and i need to get a temporary number since my phone is off until my parents get back and i need to get ready for school and apply to the phd program, but besides all of that, my days should go back to being pretty much pointless. yay.

*Rain Delays - Crash Parallel 

see, i don't know what to say

today was so productive that i'm half expecting to wake up in a minute with a to-do list a mile long and should've-could'ves tangled into my hair. it really can't be a real day in my life. not only did i spend hours lazing around reading (i finished a book and a half. go me. i'm usually a slow summer reader.) and swimming, but i also helped my brothers with a big chunk of their summer homework and spent time with the family. i also got the flowers, my bouquet, stage-thingy (if you're not familiar with saudi weddings then this might sound ridiculous), tables, and finger foods for the guests dealt with. i chose the cake. i got my wedding hair and make-up settled. and by "i" i totally mean that my parents (and a couple of cousins for a couple of things) were doing most of the work and i was along for the ride. duh.

oh, and we got internet. excitement. (could someone explain how my sister who shares a wall with me and my parents who are right across the hall have perfect connection in their rooms and i have one measly faltering bar in mine? this happens every summer, and i just don't get it.)

but the real story of this post happened yesterday. my parents, uncle, three cousins, and i (yeah, we were like an army of totally unnecessary people) went to the hotel that my wedding is being held at to see the hall/ballroom thing. while we were there, the dude showing us around was like, "wanna see the suite?" and so we were like, "um, okay, sure. why not?" so he takes us to the fourth floor and starts knocking on the door and this saudi guy dressed in what amounts to underwear and an undershirt here opens it. there were a bunch of very confused looks exchanged when the hotel guy tells us that there were no empty rooms but we can look at his. um, awkward much? so my dad and uncle barge in like they own the place and after a couple of minutes i get dragged in to see it. all i remember was that the guy had a tray with his dinner on the bedroom floor and the tv turned on to some action movie. he was trying to be nice about it and saying stuff like the room is big and the hotel is nice, but inside he was probably wishing we'd get some consideration and leave him alone. let me just say, if a caravan of random strangers showed up at my hotel room and asked to look around, i would not be as nice as he was. doors would most likely just be slammed in faces.

oh, and i just wasted the past twenty minutes trying to find a song for this title. my summer playlist, though absolutely amazing, has nothing, and my mind refuses to look past the completely random twenty odd songs that i've been listening to on repeat.

*I Don't Know What to Say - The Magnetic Fields

i am in misery. the silence is slowly killing me.

so i've been in the desert for a few days now with no internet connection (i find it ridiculous that junior can't find a connection to steal when every other computer can) and no time to bum it off of the cousins. though my sister has found ample internet opportunities in the midst of her complaining about the lack of internet. it doesn't make sense. i feel so cut off from the world.

anyway, i am so dreadfully behind on wedding preparations that i'm not even going to get into them. i did horrify/deeply offend a make-up artist yesterday by saying that i wasn't going to do my eyebrows for the wedding which was fun. i just don't do them. it's not like i killed anyone. according to her, though, there's no way the make-up could possibly show without me doing them. considering the amount of stuff they cake on over here, i highly doubt that. oh, remind me to document my saudi wedding rant sometime in the next few days.

since it kinda looks like the whole internet situation isn't going to be fixed anytime soon, feel free to go back through my posts about saudi arabia from last year and the year before if i don't post much now. it's pretty much the same here minus spurts of panic about the wedding and pangs of annoyance. fun stuff.

also, i have been walking around all day singing maroon 5 because of my nephew that has been singing the same three lines of the song all. day. long. i also just spent the last hour reading up on all the blog posts i've missed since i left america.

anyway, i'm exhausted and going to sleep. hope your summers have all started off swimmingly (it never seems like summer starts till i reach the desert) and hopefully i'll have time and internet to keep you updated on the countdown to the wedding (which is july 6th in case i forgot to mention that).

*Misery - Maroon 5 (i dunno if this is the song's name or not, but i don't feel like looking it up or getting my ipod so let's just pretend.)

i don't want to spend my life on trial for something that i did not do

okay world, listen up. enough is enough already. you have all had an entire decade (well, just about) to enjoy your idea that arabs/muslims= evil terrorists, and to be honest, i think that we have shouldered the whole thing pretty well for the most part. but i think it's time to move on. really. ten years is more than enough time for a fad to fade, and this is just what this whole thing was. and frankly, i'm sick of it. sick to death.

in my sophomore year of high school, my social studies teacher was german. i remember her telling us all to prepare ourselves for years and years of being the bad guy. after world war two, she said, evil became synonymous with german, and it lasted until the tragedy at the world trade center. that was almost sixty years! people are more open minded now, i thought. there's no way they could not see that what a minority did does not reflect the views of the entire race/religion. but she was right. just shy of ten years later, and we are still being blamed for what a small faction are believed to have done. the idea is ingrained in our very society. listen to the bad guys in the movies you watch, even the ones that aren't arab have an arab accent. even animated villains sound like they could come right off the streets of saudi arabia. (pre-9/11 days they generally had german accents.)

so when someone mentions terrorists, spare me the pointed looks. (yes i'm talking to you, girl in the front row of my accounting class.) when you see an arab going on a plane, stop your knees from shaking with fear. chances are, we're more concerned about what movies will be showing than how to turn the plane around. when you want a villain for your movie, get a little creative. arab terrorist? so overdone. how about a nice cookie-baking grandmother for a change? maybe even with a nice, nonthreatening english accent. (no. this is not my way of saying that the english should be the next bad guys.)

it only takes a kitten about a week to open its eyes, and yet we, the self-proclaimed higher species, have kept ours shut tight for almost a decade. the very fact that i'm standing here for you to stereotype kind of means that i did not crash a plane into a building. you know, logic and whatnot. so if that's true, why am i still being blamed? the six year old in me has had enough of the twenty something's patience and just wants to say, "but i didn't do it!"

okay, well, i'm going to go shove my soap box back into the back of the closet, check to see if my professor emailed me back yet, and get ready to go to school. carry on with your lives.

*Infatuation - Maroon 5

i've got a word or two to say about the things that you do

i'm not a very political person, and i think that i have managed to pretty much keep politics out of this blog up until now. but with chaos taking the middle east by storm, i think it is time for me to come right out and say it: i think all the revolutions are insane, and not in a good way. (yes, i realize i may be making quite a few enemies by saying this.)

granted, i'm not currently living in any of the countries revolting, so there may be some really, really good reason for going completely crazy that i am just missing, but from where i'm standing, i think everyone needs to just calm down. in my opinion, there are very few situations that would warrant an extreme revolution. if you are afraid to go to sleep at night because you don't know that you'll be alive to wake up in the morning, then by all means revolt. hit the streets and start all kinds of trouble. if you have a safe house to live in, food to eat, a car to drive, money to go watch a movie... then what exactly are you rebelling against? sure, you may not like the government, but i honestly think that violent revolutions are one of the stupidest ways to show your dissent. how is burning down restaurants going to help you? breaking into banks and stores? setting yourself on fire? destroying mummies? last time i checked, people who have been dead for centuries were not your enemy. thing is, a lot of the people seem to think that the result of a revolution will be instantaneous utopia. um, it won't. and all these things you're taking for granted in times of stability? yeah, you'll probably be missing them pretty soon. you know what comes after a revolution? rocky times as the country tries to stand on its feet again. and sure, there are times when that is better than what there was before and when hope for a better tomorrow will make the misery of today worthwhile, but i don't think this is one of these times. so while you're lounging by your pool responding to facebook invitations to the revolution on your thousand dollar computer, you may want to think about that.

there are no words to describe how desperately i hope saudis grasp onto their individuality and refrain from jumping on the revolution bandwagon. with the flooding from the rains, people are upset, and i just hope that their disgruntledness does not affect their senses. i see no reason for a saudi revolution. destroying a country is not the only way to make changes. yes, they are not a democratic nation. so what? who decided that democracy was the only right way to run a government? yes, it works great for america, but that does not mean that it is a one size fits all solution for world peace. it isn't. saudi arabia follows an islamic regime. i can't see how a democracy will be able to stick as completely to islamic law as it does now, which i believe it should.

that brings me to another point. being the islamic capital of the world, saudi arabia really has no right to stop muslims who want to go to mecca or madinah from going. even ousted government officials have a right to get in touch with their islamic roots, and the saudi government really has no right to stop them. i mean, sure, if the guy is an actual threat to people, then of course they wouldn't let him in, but an ex-leader on the run is pretty much powerless so why shouldn't they let them in? especially when they never really had anything against him in the first place. (this is a general him encompassing every ex-leader who has fled to saudi arabia, which they have been doing for quite a while.)

let me just stop right here before this gets really long, but remember what i was saying before about society being sheep? the arabs have obviously been perfecting their baa's.

agree? disagree? either way, i'd love to hear your thoughts. there's an amazing little box you can write comments in that a bunch of you seem to have missed. it even lets you comment anonymously! try it out, and let me know what you think.

*Think For Yourself - The Beatles

how'd we get here so fast?

do you know what day it is, blog readers? november first. as in, nanowrimo starts/started today. how and when did this happen?? last time i checked, i still had time... time to think of what to write and organize my schedule in a way to give me time to write and... and...  i dont know just time. but it seems like time has been a scarce commodity lately and suddenly there is just no more of it. over eight hours into nanowrimo and i have yet to type a single word, or even think of what that single word should be.

aside from not starting my novel, i had a slight lapse in responsibility last week which led to me realizing a day late that i had homework due. my professor, though, was nice enough to give me a few extra days to finish it. so i have to do that homework, along with the one due this week, along with a midterm due thursday, and suddenly writing a novel seems an utterly pointless and terribly attractive way to spend my time.

i know you have all been horribly missing my blog posts lately (stop rolling your eyes, it could happen), and i wish i had some really cool story about alien abductions and pirate kidnappings that resulted in no internet access or something, but i don't. what i do have is a whole bunch of unpublished drafts from the past week and a steadily growing pile of things i need to do/should have already done that brings along a creeping sense of i-might-start-to-get-overwhelmed-if-i-think-about-this. but my dad came back from saudi arabia yesterday (didn't know he was gone? don't worry, neither did anyone else i know apparently) and things could possibly go back to the way my dull, boring life used to be before the end of the summer. possibly.

but enough about that, i need to go start being responsible so i can start being irresponsible and possibly start noveling today. (i'll probably end up starting my november tomorrow :/ that's okay right? right?! don't judge me i can still finish a novel in a month minus a day.) hope your novembers are off to a better start than mine!

Update: so i decided i couldn't start responsibility until i started irresponsibility and am now thirty four words into a novel that could literally go just about anywhere at the moment. i can now relax and start checking off homework assignments.

*Closer - Low

i hope it stays dark forever. i hope the worst isn't over.

i'm the kind of girl that will poke a bruise to see if it still hurts. if i have a toothache, you can bet that my tongue will be pushing at it every two seconds, just to feel the dull throb again. so it shouldn't come as a big surprise that sometimes, i like to wallow in a bad mood. i like to sink deeper and deeper into my misery and just let it swallow me whole. i like to give myself into it completely, the hopelessness and despair. i'll watch certain shows and movies, read certain books and poems, listen to a certain playlist of songs. probably not the smartest thing to do, but it's what i do. recently, i have taken to rewatching season 4 of skins. i wasnt able to watch it as it was aired a few months ago because of cousins who didnt want to watch it and me not finding time for it. but in a way, i'm glad i didnt watch it then when i wanted to because it is such a perfect way to wallow right now.

on a completely different note, i think the desert is absolutely gorgeous and will argue to the death with people who say that beauty in nature can only be found in all things green. because really, the soft slopes of sand dunes and the jagged outline of rocky mountains, the yellowish-greens and browny-reds of desert shrubs, the ripples in the golden sand that go on forever... they have as much beauty in them as anything else. when we were driving back from madinah the other day, there was so much dust in the air (wind + not a lot of plants = common sandstorms and things of that nature) that things in the distance just seemed to fade into nothingness. the mountains were barely visible and they seemed like they could just disappear at a moment's notice, all magically or mystically or whatever. actually, they kinda reminded me of the mountain in The Lie. i dont have the book on me and i can't exactly remember the name of the mountain but it had magical properties or something and almost seemed transparent depending on how the light hit it. that's what these mountains seemed to be, transparent and magical.

*No Children - The Mountain Goats

i like to eat, eat, eat apples

i miss vitamin water zero. like really, really miss it. in the weeks leading up to my trip i became really obsessed with the stuff. i would drink several bottles a day and buy tons of it whenever i went out. the recycling coming out of my room was outrageous. they don't have it here. at least i didn't see any and my cousin said they don't have. i am craving the lemonade right now and there's still fifty-some days until i can drink it again. *sigh*

also, i think i should mention that apples here are just so much better than apples in america. oranges too.

to try and not make this a completely pointless post, can i just say that this is a summer of marriage in my family. it seems like it is all everyone is talking about. one cousin is getting married at the end of july. another just got engaged last week. everyone is telling me that it is time for me to get married now that i cant use "i wanna finish school first" as an excuse. and my cousin has a doctor she wants me to meet. it's getting kinda crazy.

*I Like to Eat Apples and Bananas - Raffi

swallow me whole

[one] i have these characters that live in my head. i know their names and what they dress like and look like and sound like. i  know what they would say in different situations, i know what they would do. but they don't have a defined story, they dont get to be put down in anything resembling a book. they will occasionally get a few stolen moments scrawled into the backs of notebooks and across folders, hidden in word files titled 'thing' and 'stuff,' but other than that, they wait around in my head. they talk to me occasionaly and each other even less, just waiting for their time to be immortalized in word, to be able to reach minds other than mine. and while i move along my own storyline, pushing them behind thoughts and responsibilities and pulling them in front of boredom and writer's block, they wait for a future they may never have.

[two] last night, i had the most disturbing conversation with my grandmother. ever. i stood in her room clutching my cousin's lunch bag and wishing the ground would open up and swallow me as my grandmother, completely oblivious to mine and my sister's obvious discomfort, went on and on with hand gestures and genuine interest or really good faked interest in what she was saying. halfway through the conversation she switched her views completely and as i struggled to keep up without forcing my brain to absorb any of what she was saying, apologizing to my ears, and hating my cousin for starting this and leaving, i pretended someone was calling me and escaped.

[three] this vacation so far has been filled with a bit too much sitting around houses and not seeing anyone to be normal. everyone is working. the cousins we usually spend our entire vacation with dont get home until almost eleven at night. their dad cant take us home any later than twelve, so we usually dont stay there which means we rarely see them. that in itself is way beyond weird. we spend a lot of time staring at each other's faces, tv screen, and computer screens. all of which we could be doing on the other side of the world. i am waiting for the actual vacationy feelings to start.

*Tick Tick Tomorrow - From First to Last

hello! hello! it's good to be back... did you miss me while i was away?

my blog has been suffering from neglect lately, and today it has decided to let me know that it has had enough. when we first got here (a week ago tomorrow) of course one of the first things i did was to check if there were any internet connections in my room because i am an addict. i have come to terms with that. five connections popped up and i sent out a silent thanks to my neighbors. that thanks was promptly taken back when i realized that they were all secured. all of them. maybe they read my blog and knew i was planning on stealing their connection?? i dunno, but i was not happy. my second day here, i got desperate and walked around my room with junior (my netbook who i brought with me instead of joe). i found that if i stood by my window tilted at a certain angle with my computer held out at arm's length at shoulder level, then i could just get an unsecured connection. of course, it was super weak and kept disconnecting, but it was internet. (you have my permission to pity, mock, and ridicule me.) by the third day, junior felt sorry for me enough to get the shaky connection on my bed. but with it disconnecting every second and a half, i just did not feel up to suffering through hours of loading blogger and then waiting for a post to be published. a couple of days ago, we got internet connection. suddenly, i was connected to the world again. awesome feeling. and yet, i didnt sign in to blogger to post anything new. that is not to say there was nothing to post. when we got a flat tire and my dad thought he could still take us all in the car and get us to our cousins' before fixing it which ended up in us pulled over on the side of the road and my dad and cousin lifting up the car with the jack thing with all of us still in it, i was dying to blog. but the second i could, i didnt.

today, i turned on junior and opened chrome. but instead of google popping up as usual, blogger did. and blogger is not my chrome homepage on junior. so i took that as a call from my blog to stop ignoring it. and here i am. pointless post, kinda, except that now you can all rest easy knowing that i've gotten here safely, because i know you were worried. you can also relax and know that i will not be going on a two month hiatus. expect new, insightful, and entertaining posts in the next few days. or, at least new ones.

oh, and the spare tire they struggled to get on the car (if you have seen how men dress here you will realize why it was a struggle) was flat too.

*Hello! Hello! - Gary Glitter

we're one, but we're not the same

"I know plenty of well-adjusted, happy people who are half-Jewish, just like me. Or not so like. For all we have in common, we have more that differs. That's the thing about these mergers. It's a strange math, the equation differing from family to family, from child to child, the outcome wildly dissimilar each time. Even in my own family, the sum varies, the parts adding up differently." ~Devil in the Details, pg 57

this quote really stood out while i was reading. it's so true, and i can totally relate. well, not to the half-Jewish part, but i think it applies to basically half-anything.

for example, growing up, we (my sisters and i) met a lot of half-breeds like ourselves - saudi dads american moms. my mom would make friends with the moms, and we would end up hanging out with the kids (before we grew out of my mom making our friends for us, that is). when you're little, you don't really notice differences in people as much as when you're older. it's more like, you're half saudi half american and i'm half saudi half american, we're the same.

but as you grow up, you realize that the similarities usually stop right about there. i mean, sure, we all have some shared experiences or whatnot, but, as the quote said, the equation differs from family to family, from child to child. some kids are raised fully american, some fully saudi, and most fall into the greys in between. it's rare to find someone the exact same combination of saudi and american as you. even between me and my sisters who were raised exactly alike, there are differences. for example, my older sister generally prefers arabic to english music, i generally prefer english to arabic, and my younger sister listens to them both about the same. the amount of arabic that peppers our speech is different. our views on certain cultural things differ. we were raised the same, but our "parts added up differently."

that being said, this video is one of my favorite. i think every half-breed can relate (or even arabs who lived in an english speaking country and vice versa):

*One - Johnny Cash

they all tried coming on to her. don't they know it's never going to work?

if you've stayed in saudi arabia for any length of time, no matter how short, you've probably experienced it. if you read my blog, you've probably heard about it in posts like this. the creepy desperation of saudi guys. i'm not saying all saudi guys, but when you walk out your door and are bombarded by numbers, it really starts to feel like it's all of them.

and there is no age limit on the sleaziness.

yesterday (it mightve been the day before) we were in the car with K and her dad. they picked us up from our house and she needed to get something copied on our way back to their house. so we're driving to go to a kinko-type place and this light blue car flies out of nowhere, almost hitting us before swerving into the next lane. we're used to this kind of stuff here, but it's a reflex for me to look into the car as we pass it to see who's driving. it's some middle-aged man in sunglasses. one of those guys that look like they live in their parents basement, have some weird job, and dont get anywhere near enough sunshine (a difficult feat when you live in a desert). looking into guys' cars here is not a very smart idea, and as he glances over i look away.

we reach the copy-making place and K's dad goes out to make the copies while we all wait in the car. and guess who we see?? yup, creepy blue car guy. only, now he has taken off his sunglasses so we can get a good look at his eyes that make him look even creepier if that's possible. he starts pointing at his cell phone and giving leering smiles, waiting for us to ask for his number. and though we sit in the car completely ignoring him, he doesnt give up. he waits until K's dad gets back and we drive off before stopping his attempts.

i mean, really dude? you could be my father. you could be all of our fathers - maybe's K's older brother. why in the world would we take your number?? do we look as desperate as you?? even if we were, you would still be the last person to tempt me to take your number. seriously.

*Next Contestant - Nickelback

what's the purpose? it feels so worthless

a few days (weeks?) ago, i read a blog complaining about saudi arabia's tendancy to block certain websites, a lot of which have no block-worthy content. she was complaining that she couldnt check a blog that she reads, a blog that i, too, follow. of course, i went to the blog immediately to check, worried that i'd have to go the next two and a half months with no updates. i clicked on the link and let out a sigh of relief as the page loaded. i couldnt help but feel a little smug that the site wasnt blocked for me.

and then today happened. for some unfathomable reason something possessed me to delete the cache memory. so i did. and then i noticed that there was an update i hadnt seen that i would really like to read. so i clicked on the link and... nothing. at least not anything i wanted to see. instead of my website i got the dreaded screen telling me how i'm trying to go to a forbidden page that some of you may be familiar with. for those of you who arent, here it is:

and i'm telling you, people, there is nothing wrong with the site.

okay, i think to myself, so i go two months without reading it. i wont die. it's not like it's blocked from me forever (my condolences to those for who this isnt the case). so i check my email instead. i've been waiting for this link to download something important, and when i open my inbox, i have it! that's just what i needed to get over my annoyance. i open the email, completely forgetting that one of my blogs has been blocked, i click on the link, and... you guessed it. that stupid green and white screen. it's blocked. why?? once again, no idea.

this is getting way out of hand people. the link may very well be dead by the time i get back to america. do they not know that?? do they not know how important this link is to my mental health?? do they not care??

*More than Useless - Relient K

but I don't wanna go home where they all stare at me

i wrote a few posts ago about how i feel completely at home both in america and saudi arabia. well, i think it's important to point out that, while that's true, i also don't really belong in either place, both see me as 'other.' and while i am comfortable with both people, with both cultures, i'm not really a part of either. in america, i'm seen as a saudi. in saudi arabia, i'm seen as the american. so while being half saudi-half american may get me back stage passes to both cultures, i'm definitely not considered part of either band.

i'm scrutinized in both places - everything i say, everything i do. the nuances of the rules of arab society sometimes fly straight over my head, but that's okay because "i'm the american." i'm expected to not know how to do anything, to make a complete idiot of myself. people wait for it to happen. and though the people in america may not be as watchful for every sign that i dont belong as some of the people over here, they are still watchful, or some of them are at least. i'm muslim, i'm saudi... which, to some, means i'm trouble. even those that don't think that, still see a difference between me and themselves, despite the fact that we are both americans.

i'm a person that likes to blend into the background. i prefer not to be the center of attention. but no matter which place i go, though they are both home, people stare. it's not alllll the time, and you get used to it and barely notice it after a while, but it's still there. the two cultures are polar opposites, so it's natural that they won't overlap smoothly, but sometimes i kinda wish they would.

it might seem impossible that i can feel completely at home and completely alienated in both places at the exact same time, but therin lies the paradox.

*War Sweater - Wakey!Wakey!

spiders catching things and eating their insides

the internet is being ridiculously slow and moody today. it only opens up certain websites, takes forever to load even those, and thinks it's being cool by doing the most annoying things. i should probably be grateful that i even have internet, but it's annoying.

anyways, the creepy crawly things here are on steroids. being gone for eight months have made them spawn into super bugs. they're like some weird government science project gone awry.

this morning i went to take a shower. i'm about to get in when i see a ginormous spider on the shower curtain. have you ever watched harry potter and the chamber of secrets?? i swear this was the spider that played aragog, the acromantula (really, really, really big talking spider). in case you have no idea what i'm talking about, here's a picture:


ok so maybe not that big, but it was definitely as big as the palm of my hand. maybe even a little bigger... that thing had long legs. so i freaked out, ran out of the bathroom squealing, and took my shower in my parents' bathroom.

the lizards are on crack too. i'm sitting out by the pool while my sister's swimming, and they're running around in the patterns the light is making on the walls as it reflects off the surface of the water. but not normal lizard running, they're running with a purpose. they're following some master plan and are forming some giant lizard army. have you ever heard the sound a lizard makes?? they make this clicking sound that i refused to believe was them when i was younger. i was convinced that my cousins, parents, aunts, and uncles were all trying to trick me, that they were making the sounds and trying to blame them on the poor, silent lizards. yeah, i wasn't too smart.

besides the clicking lizards, mosquitos are eating me alive. gah. once again, not normal mosquitos. these are bigger and thirstier and smarter than any of the other ones i've seen. so before i turn into one giant mosquito bite, i'm going inside.

*I Miss You - Blink 182

speed so fast i felt like i was drunk

whenever i hear virginians complain about the "bad drivers," i have to laugh. the worst driver i've seen over there would still be too cautious to drive in jeddah. you've heard of places where the traffic laws are more like suggestions?? yeah, jeddah's not like that. here, they're more like big jokes. to be a good driver, you really have to disregard a lot of the traditional rules of the road. people drive between two lanes so that they'll always be able to get into the one that's moving faster. i've seen people make a left turn from the right lane of a four lane street. right of way goes to the person who wins the game of chicken. if someone is going the wrong way down a one way street, they will rightfully honk angrily at every car they pass going the right way. i've been in countless almost-accidents. but though this driving is awful by any standard, it's a normal part of life here. i rarely think twice about it. it just makes everything a little more exciting.

since this is a post about driving, let me take this chance to wish a particular car full of desperate guys an accident. a really big one. after sharing a room with my sister for the past eight years, i have developed a habit of leaving the windows of my room uncovered - like i dont close the curtains or whatever. now, i get claustrophobic if i cant see outside. i have really big windows - i like the sunlight - so people often have a problem with this because, yes, you can see into my room. in america, my bed is out of the way so it's not a problem. and here, we now live in the middle of nowhere with like one neighbor so it isnt a problem either. or it wasnt until i noticed that the same car full of guys had circled around our house at least five times. i noticed when they stopped in front of my window and held their number up. so now i'm sitting in the dark getting a headache from the computer glare. i mean, really, do you have nothing better to do on a friday night that look into my window and stare at me sitting on my bed with my baggy tshirt and sweats?? if that's the case, then i sincerely pity you.

*Fast Car - Kristian Leontiou

vacation all i ever wanted

since, as anisah very thoughfully points out to me repeatedly, i have no life, i guess i'll be blogging here more than i expected to. anyways, my first full day here has come to an end, and once again, i'm hit by that realization that "it feels like we never left." like really. we fall into the same routine as we've had for practically our entire life.we catch up with the stories we've missed out on and notice how big the kids are, but it doesnt feel like we've been gone an entire year. saudi arabia for me is just as much home as america is. i have my room filled with useless crap (though a loooot less than my american room). i have a closet full of clothes i ignore to wear my favorite stuff. we have our car and our restaurants and our daily schedule. the day i get to either place i'm at home. there's no adjustment period. no jet lag. no nothing.

which, in a sense, is really great. and i love the fact that i'm completely comfortable in both places (though i have to admit i'm socially awkward and that's a bigger problem here than in america). but at the same time, i wanna have a summer vacation for once. you know, actually go somewhere new... somewhere i don't know everyone, somewhere i live out of a suitcase, somewhere i dont have to clean the house or do the laundry or stock up a fridge. a vacation.

today, i watched my first ever episode of star academy. i can finally consider myself arab lol. i have to admit, i see the addictiveness factor. we sat staring at them walk around in complete boredom and play on paint for hours. nothing exciting, yet we couldnt seem to change the channel. it's the same appeal teletubbies has for little kids.

on a completely unrelated note, i just saw the new moon trailer on a blog i follow. it reminded me of something i realized on the airplane. i was watching this movie with robert deniro and it had kristen stewart in it. at one point of the movie, she's supposed to be confused or hiding something or whatever... i kinda forgot. but she does this spastic facial features thing. and that was what i hated most about her acting in twilight. that face - or series of faces - that just annoyed me beyond belief. i generally like her and used to think that she only did that in twilight (like in the bio class scene) because it was a movie that should've just stayed a book. but apparently not. i'm not sure how i feel about this. how did i not notice it before??

*Vacation - The Go-Go's