some things sat by so carelessly

so remember that time i wrote please listen and put it up for sale for any random stranger to read? yeah, well, for a while now, i have been having some second thoughts about it. not about writing it or sharing it, but more about what i wrote.

see, i wrote most of the prosetry in that collection over a period of years where i was feeling depressed and battling ugly thoughts and coming to all the wrong conclusions about the people in my life (but some of the right ones, too, if i'm being perfectly honest). one review i got on the book, and the one that's probably stuck with me the most, said that there were poems that were melodramatic and read like i was swept away by the power of words. (i'm pretty sure i addressed that comment on here before, but bear with me. there is a point to me bringing it up again.) depression is probably the most melodramatic thing in the world, and i do not mean that in a disparaging way at all. i think it was prozac nation that said that when you're depressed, everything is the worst thing that can happen. you can spend the same amount of tears on a cockroach dying as you would on your own dad dying because they are both equally the worst and saddest thing in the world. the reviewer had written that for a few poems, she could not relate at all and just kept thinking, "surely, it can't be that bad." and to reference the dead cockroach, maybe to an outsider it isn't that bad, but to you, it really, truly is. and for the most part, i like the overdramatic prosetry that came from me working through all of that stuff, it is an honest reflection of how i felt at the time, and i wouldn't change it for anything. 

but - and there is always a but - there are some things that i have been thinking about changing. 

see, in the midst of my anger and depression fueled writing, i wrote some lines that leave a bad taste in my mouth whenever i reread them, that make me cringe internally whenever i even think of them. there are a handful of different lines from a few different poems where i wrote something that romanticizes depression and/or suicide and at a point in my life where i am completely anti-romanticizing any mental illness because i grew up. there is a line where i wrote something like "you can't see the beauty in a slit wrist or the poetry in pooling blood" and that line haunts me. because i so strongly disagree with the sentiment in it. but it's out there, maybe forever, with my name attached to it.

so, i guess what i'm trying to say is while i'm all for leaving past pieces unchanged to accurately reflect myself at that time, when there is an idea that i feel is harmful and toxic, should i change it? it's not like please listen is some super popular book with a huge audience and being read by millions of impressionable minds, but still. 

*Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers

sometimes i plan to celebrate the anniversary of certain events and then i realize that i can't remember anniversaries to save my life and when i go check the date it turns out that the anniversary already passed. and since i'm already late, i drag out the celebration until i don't even feel like celebrating anymore. and then i write a blog post about it.

the most recent instance of this is me not remembering that is has been exactly one year (and then some) since i released my first ever book of prosetry. i announced it first here on my blog. you can reread that post for nostalgia reasons here. if you didn't buy the book for whatever reason, you should click that link and read all the reasons that you should buy it. and then go buy it from amazon. i mean, you can get the kindle version for just under three bucks and get the kindle app for free and then you can read it almost instantly.  or you could wait a little longer and pay a little more and get a copy you can hold in your hands. or you could do both. you know, if you really want to.

one of the reviews i got on please listen was that some of the pieces seemed melodramatic. since it's been a year, i'm going to address that comment. i wrote a lot of those prose poems either as a way to work through or a result of getting through stuff. some of that "stuff" was depression-related, and if you know nothing else about depression then know that it is all melodrama. the worst thing is always happening and never ending. (notice that i didn't say "it seems like..." that was intentional.) so yes. a bunch of it is melodramatic and over-the-top and  you know what? i'm totally okay with that.

i haven't read any of the pieces in the book for a while, but some of my favorite things i've ever written are contained within those pages. (i also think i have most of it memorized from the number of times i read through it while putting it together, and yet there are still typos i didn't catch.) though i'll probably always look back and think, "if i only did..." i will also always be proud of please listen. no matter what happens in the future. for more reasons than i can list.

end shameless self-promotion. 

just saying nothing

okay so i don't even know what time is anymore because i swear actually doing things and having a quasi-life - okay, not really, but at least way more distractions from the fact that i don't have a life - has turned days into minutes and weeks into hours and how is it possible that so much time passes without me even being fully aware of it?

this week was going to be so productive, but there's something about waking up and giving over-the-phone computer help before eating my breakfast (every. single. day.) that really brings out the grump in me. and the grump in me does not do productiveness. but i need a clean apartment by wednesday and i need to be caught up on school stuff by tonight (because nano starts tomorrow!) and don't even get me started on the things i want.

so. moving on. this post will likely be all over the place and generally pointless but really if you expect anything else from me at this point then maybe you are a tad too optimistic and a bit naive and really bad at just accepting people for who they are.

to start with, let's talk about books because, as i mentioned, nanowrimo starts tomorrow and that means i probably won't get much reading done in the next month either and this makes me sad because there are so many books to be read. twenty-three to be exact. because i just counted. and can i just say that this was a pretty bad reading year for me because that is almost the number of books that i read all year. and those aren't even counting the books that i have on my shelf waiting to be read that i probably won't get around to for a while because there are no reviews requested from me or spoilers to be found. (as an afterthought, maybe rereading the same two books for the past month and a half wasn't the best idea. i'm sorry people that are waiting for my reviews, but if i read your books during that time instead then i would have hated them on principle.)

and speaking of spoilers, allegiant is sitting on the floor next to my bookshelf waiting to be read while i see person after person online talking about how their mind has been blown by it and they want to call in sick from work to sit and mourn and i just don't understand. (that is as spoiled as i have gotten, though. i'm actually a little shocked.) i got into the divergent series about a week or two before insurgent came out. i bought it because i had heard so many rave reviews and then pre-ordered the second before reading the first. and i mean, it was okay but i really did not get the hype. extreme let-down. especially because it wasn't bad so i didn't even get to rant about it. (although there were bits of dialog that were added in just because the author thought it sounded cool and they were such breaks from characterization and basic mood and it made me want to hit the editor on the head with the thick hardcover copy i had because you are supposed to kill the author's babies. that is your job. i think veronica roth and cassandra clare had the same editor because they both need to learn the difference between what sounds "cool" and what people actually say in real life.) but anyway. i read the two books and then put them on my shelf and let them start collecting dust. i don't even know how long ago it's been, but i think i need to reread them before i get to allegiant or the hype will be completely lost on me. it's like marathoning reality tv and becoming so attached to the characters after watching them for seven hours straight that you actually care about the arguments between them and forget that you really hated them. so i guess that's twenty-five books that i need to read in december.

also, i think i should mention on here that rainbow rowell has quickly become one of my favorite authors because i love her writing style and her characters and the way that i never feel like she's trying and i just want to move into her books and live there forever. and i know a lot of people do not like her books and hate her style so take that into consideration if you decide to read her, but it has been a while since i have fallen so in love with an author. also, she is on the list of authors that i would also like to be best friends with, and that list is not as long as you might think. (jk rowling is not on that list. make of that what you will.) sometimes i think that i only want to be a published author so that i can be friends with the other published authors, but then i remember that that is wrong.

i am currently reading when we were romans to cleanse my pallet as it were and get out of my rainbow rowell rut (yay for alliteration!) and it's one of those books that's written as if it were really written by the narrator (if that makes any sense) which, in this case, means a lot of run on sentences and spelling mistakes. the narrator is supposed to be nine, and the writing style is spot on, but the emotions and thoughts seem a bit too juvenile to me. i thought he was six for a while. i am trying to remember my brothers two years ago and i am pretty sure that they were over the age of ice-cream-erases-grudges and extra short attention spans. i may be wrong, though. or they may be weird.

in other news, we have a huge fruit fly problem in my apartment and i've tried everything (okay, not really, but some things) and they will not go away. this is what happens when we buy fresh fruit. i have learned from my mistakes, though. it's fruit cups and applesauce from here on out in this household.

if you are still reading at this point then i am impressed. and if you'll listen to me ramble this long, then maybe you'll like my prosetry book which you can buy here. because it has been a while since i have partaken in any self-promotion. and also it has almost been a year since i published that. and if you read it and like it then maybe you'll review it on amazon? that would be swell.

 *Talking Loud and Saying Nothing - James Brown

sometimes i worry that i lost the plot, my twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts

[one] while fleshing out my novel, i realized that, once again, i'm taking too long to actually start the story. i can basically take out the first three chapters is what i'm thinking. i haven't done it yet because i need the words for camp nano and there are also some parts that i want to keep in. so maybe compress it into the first chapter and try not to make it seem too fragmented? we will see. i also added a house on the corner to add to the description and that accidentally added an entire character and will really help with a side plot thing that needed work so i am happy about that. i'm hopeful about the outcome of this camp fleshing.

[two] i always wanted to be a published author of novels. that has always been my dream. but somewhere along the way i found prosetry and fell in love with it. (i even published a book of it that you can buy here. you can read what other people thought about it here. /self promotion) i've been more geared to noveling recently and most lines that come to me are either put into my novel or left in a half finished blog draft "for later." i didn't think i'd miss prosetry as much as i do.

[three] i have recently discovered that the pitter-patter of guinea pig feet is one of my favorite sounds. who needs kids when you can just borrow your sister's pets? but seriously, it is adorable and makes me so happy. i love darcy to bits, but those guinea pig feet are just really something.

[four] part of me wants to drop out of school and pretend that i am at the same level in life as the senior citizens in my pottery class. i just want to handbuild, knit, and write for the rest of my life. hopefully make a living off of it, too. i mean, amazon has been trying to tell me that i am a middle aged woman for years now. maybe i should just listen to them.

[five] on the other hand, while watching the news recently (especially stuff about the aaron hernandez case), the computer forensics analyst in me gets super interested and excited. like, that is what i want to do with my life too. i just wish it was easier to actually do it.

*Easy Luck Free - Bright Eyes

believe in magic that can set you free

so my brother turned eleven yesterday, and as every harry potter reader knows, eleven is a big birthday. bigger than your first double digit age, bigger than your first year as a teen, bigger even than your first year as an adult. eleven is when you find out where you stand: are you a wizard or a muggle?

as i've already mentioned on here, i got him an owl (stuffed of course) and an acceptance letter and had my sister leave them near his bed as he slept so he'd wake up to them. i also got both of my brothers wands. later in the day, as they were jumping around the living room wizard dueling in that way that only someone who has given up all thoughts of dignity and self-consciousness to be a real, nerdy fangirl (or boy i guess) can do, he kept telling his brother, "you know none of your spells can ever work because you're a muggle." his brother kept reminding him that he, too, lacked any real, magical powers, but it never seemed to stick with him. i'm not sure how much of that was because of birthday excitement and how much was due to the fact that when my brother picked up his wand my dad swore that his stuffed owl blinked (and my brother somehow believed him?) but it made me happy to see that imagination and a belief in magic were not something they were growing out of. i hope they never do.

this year i also started taking the birthday boy out for breakfast. if you grew up with siblings that were always having to do everything together, you may remember how cool it was to be able to go out by yourself. anyway, we go to ihop and he orders an orange juice. when he gets it, he takes a sip and says, "is this fresh squeezed? it tastes like it came out of a carton."

he was also telling me about all of the things that he could do now that he was eleven. apparently he was talking to my dad about the same thing earlier that morning, to which my dad replied that eleven year olds have to start cleaning and he made him clean his room. as he was listing off things, he took a sip of water and said, "their water tastes like paper cups. now that i'm eleven, i can criticize things." i gave him a look and asked when he ever didn't criticize things. "i never criticized things before i was a perfectionist," he said matter-of-factly. "and anyway, i just said that now i'm allowed to criticize, not that i never did before."

so eleven: the year of magic, cleaning, and criticism.

on the agenda today is to clean my apartment before my student gets here (did i mention that i restarted tutoring? i can't remember.), do a little schoolwork, and then bake a butterbeer cake for tomorrow. (i had class last night and didn't want to bake a cake for a day that i wouldn't be able to eat it.)

if you want to do something to celebrate this most magical of birthday years, you can buy my book. i know, i know. do i have no shame? using my youngest brother's special day for my own selfish promotion? obviously not.

*Do You Believe in Magic - The Lovin' Spoonfuls 

okay so i know that i already wrote a blog post today and that it's been literally years since i've spammed you guys with multiple posts in one day, but i am so incredibly excited right now that i have to document this moment.

long story short, please listen got its first stranger review, and he liked it! you can read the review here.  make sure you don't miss where he called it "brilliant and beautiful" and the part where he said that each poem "holds a great deal of emotional impact." i am seriously floating with excitement. does that make any sense? i don't care. i'm too excited to be coherent.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

immediately after putting out the book a bunch of things happened and i wasn't able to promote it as much as i was originally planning. i've started a little bit now, but i've been dragging my feet about it, thinking that maybe i should stop being full of myself and assuming that people that haven't known me for years will care what i have to say. you know, good old doubts and insecurities. this gave me the confidence that i had in the planning stage. i am so excited guys. so excited.

you should totally go buy my book. 

there's so much i need to say to you, so many reasons why

before i get right into this blog post that will be jumping from point to point like an ADHD kid with a sugar high, i'm just going to give a quick explanation (i will never not write an i after the first a in that word and then have to go back and delete. i've resigned myself to that.) about why my blogging, which has become more sporadic that regular lately, pretty much became nonexistent for what felt a lot longer than two weeks. see, my parents went up to CT to visit my grandmother and ended up staying longer than they expected because of nemo. (if you do not keep up with the weather of the east coast, there was a big snow storm up in new england recently. it was named nemo.) since i am no longer living in my parents' house and since we had to balance a bunch of things (like school, office hours, tae kwan do, feeding and homeworking the boys, etc) between the three of us (my sister, husband, and i) there was a lot of time spent in the car. time which i could not spend blogging because i was too busy singing along to the same four songs that the radio decides to play over and over and over and over and over and over. times that i was not in the car were spent in class, doing homework, preparing to get into the car, or not feeling like blogging. but my parents came home yesterday so regular programming will commence.

i had a moment over the past two weeks when i thought about how writing (blogging, editing my novel, writing anything new) was automatically pushed to the end of my priority list the minute things like this popped up. and how could i consider myself a writer (or even a wannabe writer) if i did not write? the one thing i know about writers is that they write. but then i thought about how pretty much everything gets pushed to the bottom of my priority list when things like this pop up and i felt okay again. (i have this possibly unhealthy tendency to put my family's needs, wants, and errant thoughts above my own that has been viewed as both a good and bad thing depending on who you ask, and something that i don't plan on changing either way because it's just who i am.)

another light bulb moment over the past two weeks was when i realized how much i hate people who walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk. there is a side for coming and a side for going, and if you don't know which is which then just follow the crowd. stop trying to be special, because you're not. you're just annoying. (i am not talking about people who need to cross over to get to a building and end up walking on the wrong side for a bit. i'm talking about the people who insist on being idiots.) 

also, i decided that contacts are the devil's creation and possibly the worst thing that i subject myself to on a daily basis. seriously. they get dried out three seconds after i put them in, they are scratchy and annoying seven times out of ten, and they give me the worst possible headaches if i keep them in for over five hours. so why do i keep wearing them? a mixture of convenience and self-acknowledged stupidity i guess.

there is an almost finished description of the thought process that goes into choosing which shoes to wear when it's cold and slushy outside in my drafts from last week, to which i say... really self? really?! that's what you decide to write when you have three minutes of writing time? you should be ashamed of yourself. 

some good news for the week: i finally got someone to agree to be a member of my phd committee! he doesn't want to be the head because he doesn't think he could help much, but he also didn't laugh me out of his office or tell me to drop out. in fact, he's the one that suggested he become a member. i also may have fallen in love with him a little bit. i think it's a combination of the fact that he was the first nice guy i talked to outside of my forensics family and that he's intelligent and passionate about what he does. oh, and his looks are nothing to sneeze at. 

i also got an email last week telling me that one of the fanfiction authors i favorited in high school had written a new story, and i kind of got really excited because i remember loving her back in the day. i still haven't had the chance to read it, and i'm slightly surprised that she's putting up a story seven years later, but i thought it was kind of weird that it happened shortly after i posted about fanfiction. (no i don't think that it was written because of my post. weird in the way that i said i would probably have another fanfiction phase eventually and then she pops up to lure me back in.)

anyway, in case of any future absences from blogging, i think it would be a good idea to go buy my book so you can have a dose of my words on standby. do it for yourself. also, my grandma has had a hard couple of weeks and feb. sixth was her birthday. a great present for her would be to buy her granddaughter's book. she'd love you for it. (as would i. forever.) do it for the elderly. 

*Against All Odds (Take a Look At Me Now) - Phil Collins

you think you're better but we're gonna shut you up 'cause nobody likes you

yesterday i had my first class from my last real semester of classes. with it being a class on mac forensics and with me being 97% windows, it's probably going to end up being a crazy amount of work (and super helpful, but i'll save the good things about it for when it's done and i'm looking back). 

there's this one guy in the class who has been working in the field forever and is in love with all things mac and does not miss a moment to show how much he knows. he's that obnoxious kid who will agree with everything the teacher says before he even finishes saying it, and then tries to hurry the lecture along with those "yes, yes i know" comments. and i really want to punch him in the face because most of the rest of us don't know, and it's really annoying. plus, if you know so much about the class already then don't bother taking it or sit in the back and spend the time on facebook so the rest of us can actually learn things without your constant interruptions.  

it's kind of weird to think that in about four months i won't be able to complain about students in my classes. that's been quite a big part of this blog from the beginning. plus, i've been a student for pretty much my entire life, and though i'll still technically be considered one after this semester, not having classes to attend will just be really weird. 

in other news, the kindle version of please listen is now available here. for the next 90 days it is exclusively kindle compatible, but after that i may add other ebook formats. if you have a kindle and also have a prime  account with amazon, then you can borrow the book from the lending library and basically read it for free. and then if you like it maybe you could recommend it to others?

*Nobody Likes You - Screeching Weasel

you really did it, yeah

okay people, today is a very important day. (and no i'm not talking about it being martin luther king day, though that's also today and mlk was super cool and everything. this is a much more selfishly important day.) today is the first day that something i've written (or a collection of somethings i've written) is officially available for the public to buy and read in book form. i know, i know you can hardly believe your eyes. i'll give you a moment to go back and reread those last couple of sentences. make sure you notice the part where i say that i have a published book of prosetry on amazon.

now, you might be wondering, well... so what? and to that i say that i have several reasons why you should go and buy please listen (which is the name of the book, in case you were wondering):

[one] the book contains some of my favorite pieces of prosetry that have been seen on this blog. if there was a piece that you particularly liked, then there is a good chance that it has found its way into the book. this way you can carry it around with you and reread it whenever you want. you could bookmark pages and flip back to them without even having to be connected to any network. pretty cool, if i do say so myself. 

[two] the book also contains a bunch of prose poems that have never been seen on this blog. so if you want to see what other "morbid" and "sad" things my mind comes up with, this is the only way to do it. you'll be able to say that you were one of the first people to read these poems, and in a world of hipsters and people who fight to comment "first!" on every social network, this is a pretty big deal. 

[three] you can share it with others. say you know someone whose new year resolution was to read more. you can get them the book, because what can be easier than reading things that rarely go longer than a page?   say you know someone who likes poetry or who reads everything (good or bad) or likes to help out aspiring writers or might like my style? you can get them this book. or maybe someone's birthday is coming up and you don't know what to get them? poetry books are always a good idea. 

[four] it is not very expensive. at only six fifty, please listen is priced not much higher than a cup of coffee, and it lasts a whole lot longer. you can buy it now and keep it around you for those times that you want to read but don't have the time/energy/inclination to get into anything really long. you'll be real happy that you listened to me then, trust me. 

[five] i'll be your best friend and love you forever. and friends are one of those things that you can never have too much of. i will spend three whole days talking about nothing but how very awesome you are. i will recite epic poems in your honor to anyone who will listen and even those that won't. when i become a successfully published author (still working on it) i'll let every interviewer know that you are amazing. i'll tell my grandchildren about the super cool people that bought my first ever prosetry book. 

so have i convinced you yet? are you going to go run out right now and buy a copy of please listen for yourself? and one for your friend/mom/neighbor/guy on the bus? here's where you can find it:

createspace

amazon 

amazon uk

amazon germany

amazon france

it will be available in e-book version soon, too!

i'd love to hear what you think. amazon/goodreads reviews would also be incredibly appreciated. 

also, thank you to all of you that read this blog, because you all gave me the courage to do this in the first place. 

*You Fuckin' Did It - Jason Mraz