i just don't know what to do, i'm too afraid

you know who i think are really brave? self-published authors.  they're willing to stand up for their work, to say i'm good enough to have people buy books with my name on them, even if a traditional publisher doesn't agree with me (or even if i don't want to use a traditional publisher). i don't need their validation. i will risk the stigma of self-publishing (which admittedly is starting to fade a bit. slowly, but it's starting) and get my words out there. it's amazing really.

about a year and a half ago i decided that i wanted to self publish a book of prosetry. then i got scared and changed my mind. then i decided that i wanted to do it again. then i thought, who do i think i am trying to make people pay money just to read me? the audacity of me. then i decided that i wanted to do it again. then a bunch of religious implications were thrown at me and i got scared again. (wow that's a lot of thens and agains.) basically it's been a long cycle of want, fear, insecurity, and self-doubt. and you know what it's taught me? self-published authors are really, really amazing. at the moment, i'm in a want to do it phase, but by the end of the week i'll probably chicken out again.

to be honest, i used to look down on self-published books like most everyone else. i'm not sure what changed exactly, but a few years ago i found that i was completely willing to give them the same chance i gave any other book. i mean, there are self-published books that are just pages and pages of complete crap, but so are a lot traditionally published books. for example, fifty shades of grey is a best seller and replaced harry potter as the most bought paperback ever. i mean, what?

since then, i've read articles about traditionally published authors who have switched to self-publishing for more control, better royalties, ability to publish good stories that don't necessarily fit into a sprcific genre, etc. i've read about self-published books that are wildly successful, ones that publishers want to buy, ones that have movie deals and crazy fan bases. but still, indie movies and music are considered cool, and indie books (which is basically what they are) are not. i don't get it.

but back to the point. i don't know if i'll ever have the guts or the faith in my work to self-publish. and people who do, i think you're pretty awesome.

disclaimer: wanting to self-publish a prosetry book has in no way changed or replaced my dream to traditionally publish a novel.

***UPDATE: i just found out that another twilight fanfiction has just gotten a freakin seven figure book deal. my faith in publishing and the human race is officially nonexistent.

*I'm Too Afraid to Love You - The Black Keys

hypnotized by the words you say

i was reading about different internet k-holes the other day and couldn't help nodding along to most of them with the thought of, "haha i've done that before" going through my head. from youtube to tumblr to hate reading, i'm sure we've all had days when we get lost on the internet and came out several hours later not really sure what had happened. according to mcsweeny's, an internet k-hole can be defined as:

 (n) Impulsive-yet-not-random, thematic internet navigational trajectory that leads a user through various websites or pieces of content that include a variety of media (i.e. text, pictures, animated GIFs and video) in such a manner that when one ‘emerges’ from said tunnel, one is viewing something entirely unrelated to the ‘doorway’ (first piece of content in tunnel). Popular tunnel themes include porn, conspiracy, creepy, Wikipedia, and apocalypse scenario.

and of course by "days" i mean every single day of my life. obviously. for example, yesterday i got online to check my email, download music, and then do some writing. after checking my email, i went and checked the blogs i followed for updates. the i checked facebook and noticed a friend had shared a picture from tumblr. i clicked through to that blog and saw a post from a different tumblr blog i used to read that basically picks apart twilight. while i will still say that i did enjoy twilight, i am not one to pass up on anything combining books with snarkiness and grammar. call me a nerd, but it's just who i am. so anyway, i clicked through to that blog and started reading through the gazillion posts that i had missed since the last time i read it.  halfway through that, i clicked on a link she had posted that basically showed four pages from another tumblr of why robert pattinson is awesome. (most of it was gifs from interviews of him promoting (read:bashing) the twilight saga movies.) from there i found myself watching a video of kristen stewart and a few other actors [trying to] read bits from 50 shades of grey. then i was watching a video of gilbert gottfried reading 50 shades of grey followed by selena gomez acting out 50 shades of blue. and the next thing i knew i was twenty-four pages into a blog basically dedicated to 50 shades of grey hate and wanting to read more, it was time for dinner, and i had done nothing i was supposed to.

beware the internet k-holes. they sneak up on you, suck you in, and only let you out when you don't want to leave it.

*Shiver - Maroon 5

oh, look what you've done. you've made a fool of everyone

years after i first suggested people read the hunger games, it suddenly seems that everyone i know has taken it upon themselves to read it. and then mention how it sucks. all i have to say to them is, "well, duh."

the movie for it is coming out soon, and it seems like the vast majority of the young adult reading population can only read a book when there is a movie deal in the works. i guess so that their imagination doesn't have to tire itself out for long thinking up images and scenes without the help of hollywood? anyway, for whatever reason, the series has been blown into twilightesque popularity, which is why i guess most people have decided to read it right now. because if something is that popular, it must be good, right? wrong. so very, very wrong.

if you read the books when they first came out, you would be reading them with the expectation of getting an entertaining book written for twelve year olds. mistakes would be more readily overlooked. the story could be enjoyed while ignoring the writing style, because, hey, it's a book for little kids that is not being touted as the next great american novel or anything even remotely close. which, incidentally is a pretty accurate description of the book. 

don't get me wrong, i loved the series. but at the same time, there were a bunch of typos that jumped out at me. there were way too many times when the author took the easy way out and had the main character unconscious somewhere when major plot points were happening so that they could be covered in some brief bullet points when she wakes up. this is going completely again the rule to "show, don't tell" and while i could make the argument that she was giving us the story as a sixteen year old girl whose had her life turned upside down might get it, she still does it way too many times. there are some parts where your logic should stay safe in your pocket and others where the characters were just too stupid/dense to believe. but overall, i enjoyed the story, liked the characters, and thought it was a good series. 

because i read it before it got hyped up.

now, it is being referred to as the best book ever to be written. it is elevated to a level of literature where it really has no business being. do i think that it shouldn't be a popular book series? no. people can like whatever they want to, and it does have a good story. what i do think is that people need to understand that just because you and a bunch of your friends like something, it is not the greatest thing ever to come to earth. take it off its pedestal and get over yourselves. if you read it now, no matter how much you say that general hype doesn't affect you, it does. even if it's just a little subconscious nudge in the back of your mind, your expectations are probably too high for the book. all you will get is disappointed. 

the series is being called the next twilight and while its fans will rant and rave about how inaccurate this description is, i think it's spot on. no, the stories are not the same, but that's not what i'm talking about. they are both series that might have been enjoyed before they were hyped up to the greatest books ever written - a claim that neither series can come close to supporting - but now they have a reputation to uphold and expectations to meet, and they can't. 

so go ahead and read the books if you want, but know that they were better when i read them, and try not to expect them to be what their fans are saying they are. 

*Look What You've Done - Jet

everybody knows you're a liar

remember a few years back when the harry potter people announced that they would be splitting the seventh book into two movies? sure they claimed it was because the seventh book was just oh so important they didn't want to cut anything out of it, but everyone knew the real reason. with a movie franchise that successful, they just didn't want to see it end. they wanted to drag it out as long as possible, to suck out every dollar they could from us, before they had to throw in the towel. and with harry potter, it seemed to work. there was enough content in the book to make the split, fans don't really mind putting off the end, and we can all almost pretend that they truly did do it just to give us the best ending of the series they possibly could. almost.

then twilight comes along and everyone starts babbling about how it's the next harry potter. it gets its movie deal, starts doing well at the box office, and suddenly they look at harry potter, realize they could probably make more money, and decide, "well, hey, this fourth book could not possibly be one movie. it's like two complete different books in one." uh, no. i honestly don't think they'll be able to successfully pull off their one book - two movie stunt. not that i have anything against twilight, but what are they going to do? have one entire movie with bella getting married and then sitting on the couch dying then "giving birth" and another movie dedicated to the non-fight that took up way too long in the book? it just doesn't make sense. but they're doing it, and they'll make their money, and that is that.

then the hunger games starts gaining popularity. it's suddenly the new twilight which was the new harry potter making thg the newest harry potter. the movie deal comes along and they seem to be taking it all seriously. they have the author writing the script and seem to be getting actors that are invested in the franchise. it's all good and dandy. they watch the bajillion fans whine and cry and fight over each new cast member and fake leak of the script and they laugh at the stupidity of the teeny boppers. and then, before the first movie even really starts filming, they announce that they're going to have to make the trilogy into a four movie franchise. um, what? talk about counting your chickens before they hatch. how do they even know it's going to be successful enough to be worth the added movie? how could they possibly need another movie? there are three roughly 300 pg books, where would they get enough stuff going on for another full length movie? where would they even split the books up? or are they going to do some prequel/sequel thing that has nothing really to do with the books? whichever, i think it's getting a bit ridiculous.

the movie industry needs to realize that we're really not that stupid. sure, i've gone to see book adaptations and lamented the cut of some of my favorite book parts, but i got it. it's something you have to do to switch it to movie format. suddenly deciding that a movie series making (or hoping to make) lots of money can't be cut, claiming that "they're doing it for the fans," does not fool us. it's all about the money. even if all three series come out with an amazing extra movie, even if i get out of each one thinking that splitting the books was the greatest decision ever made, the very fact that they can't just come out and say why they're really doing the split will still annoy me.

moral of the story: stop comparing things to harry potter or they will have more movies than books.

***UPDATE: just in case you guys don't read other people's comments, watch this. it's hilarious.



*Lying Through Your Teeth - Head Automatica

and with the way you've been talking, every word gets you a step closer to hell

okay so there's been a bit of a buildup of blog posts in my head that i wanna get to, but i've been busy with ending the semester and stuff. today is the last day i have any busy work (typing up notes, editing a paper, doing a homework) and then it's a walk in the park to ending my degree. three exams and i'm done. and since i dont see exams as the bane of my existence as most others do, i'm just waiting for today to be over.

but i felt like blogging before the work. i mean, this is my last chance to procrastinate undergraduate work ever ever again. i need to make every moment count. so today's post will feature a story thats not about me or anyone i know personally, but that i feel needs to be shared regardless.

my sister is a communications minor. she recently had a project do on media which was a bunch of group presentations and stuff. this story comes from one of those other presentations in her class.

a girl, i have no idea what her name is, is presenting, and starts talking about her ex-boyfriend. she had been questioning their relationship and so got a book to see how "they should be." this book gave her the courage to break up with him, because she saw that what they had was not true love. (side note: when i was hearing this, all i could think of was that book that dorian grey read. the power of books over people is astounding.)

anyone wanna hazard a guess at which book this was that gave her such great knowledge and courage and whatever else she got from it?? you probably know...

it was twilight. yes, this girl dumped her boyfriend because they did not have what bella and edward had. i think that girl may have been dropped on her head one too many times as a child.

i could go into a long rant about the absurdity of this girl and how much better off her ex is without her, but i wont. i'll leave that up to all of you. you'll probably do better jobs at it, too. i'm not even going to go into any details about how she needs to learn how to separate reality from fiction. if i, great lover of fiction that i am, can do it, so can she. instead, i'm going to tell you why edward, though seemingly almost perfect on paper, would be the most obnoxious boyfriend in real life.

first, he is so effing clingy. i realize that bella is just as clingy, so it probably goes unnoticed by both of them most of the time, but omg the clinginess would drive me mad. second, sometimes i dont like to tell people exactly whats in my head every second of every day. and if they get reproachful because i dont or because i take too long to tell them all my thoughts, well, they could just go die. i dont care if hes used to reading minds. third, he is way too controlling. you cannot tell me who i can or cannot be friends with, im sorry. and if you disconnect my car's battery cables so that i cant go out to see said friends, i will not leave my window open for you. and then, when you finally get over your controllingness a little, i will not view it as some amazing kindness and generosity on your part. fourth, he acts like he knows everything in the world a little too much. i realize that he has been around forever, so that is probably the case, but get down off your pedestal once in a while. fifth, someone constantly trying to save me from everything would get a bit annoying. the big, life threatening things okay, but small everyday stuff would get on my nerves. sixth, bella is constantly doubting herself around him. i'm sure i imagined this, im sure i really didnt see that. i would hate that. seventh, he keeps too much that has to do with her from her "so she wont get upset." i think that would kill me even more than anything else. someone feeling im not up to knowing whats going on in my own life. ugh. i'm sure there's an eighth and probably a ninth and tenth, too, but i really dont feel like thinking hard enough to come up with them. those were what were on the top of my head.

i like edward as a character, but i would never in a million years agree to a single date with him in real life. i dont care how much he sparkles.

i kinda feel sorry for the girl. she's always gonna be disappointed. she'll never find what she wants, and when she does, she'll realize how awful it is.

*Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks - Panic! at the Disco

i think i had a point, but i just got distracted

i was watching prince caspian on tv with my brothers today, or the last third of it anyways. actually, i was on my computer while they were watching it and giving me play by play commentary, but i looked up a lot. anyways, i love the ending scene of that movie:



quality isnt great, but whatever. the song matches perfectly with the scene. it's great.

speaking of great scenes and movies that were on today, i also love that flying scene from harry potter and the order of the phoenix. i think it may be my favorite scene in the movie... okay, maybe not, but it's definitely up there in the top five.



another great choice of music. and the background of the river and the castle and the color of the sky. it's really a beautifully shot scene.

speaking of harry potter, have you ever noticed how circumstantial a lot of that plot is?? i mean, don't get me wrong, i love the series to death, but there are a few aspects that always irked me. first of all, um harry was not the only child orphaned by voldemort. yes, he was the only failed murder victim, but everyone is always boohoo his parents are dead. look around people, a lot of children's parents are dead. and then, did none of the wizarding world notice that harry would have gotten nowhere without ron and hermione and everyone else that helps him?? okay, so they do get some recognition, but harry really doesnt do anything. every time he fights voldemort, except maybe the last time, he wins by pure luck. all he really hasta do is show up, and a lot of the time he just barely gets that right. and then there's hogwarts. maybe british children are better behaved than americans, but really, all those children in a far off castle learning magic and they hardly get into trouble. sure, they sneak out sometimes. they get into a few fights. but there are hundreds of students and less than 20 staff members. you'd think the kids would revolt or something.

speaking of hugely popular fictional series, let me explain my views on the twilight series. first of all, it pisses me off immensely the way it's always twilight vs. harry potter. they are completely different and totally incomparable. and i really hate the twilight fandom. every single one of those tweens that have to relate every single little thing back to twilight, it's beyond annoying. omg a song that mentions true love, must be written about edward and bella. omg a pale boy with messy hair, must be edward. omg a book that has a vampire in it, must be copying twilight because stephenie meyer invented the supernatural. omg a girl who tripped, must be channeling bella's spirit. you get the point. but though i abhor the fans, i dont actually hate the books. the writing?? abysmal. the characters?? generic. the plotlines?? cheesy and predictable at best. that being said, sometimes cheesy and predictable is all you really need. reading twilight is like watching some sappy chick flick. one of the pathetically hilarious ones. you know what's going to happen before the opening credits, but you still watch it. you still lose yourself in the predictable plot with the unrealistic twists and bad dialog. and that's what twilight is like for me. a bad movie that i can still watch whenever it's on because i just want the cheesiness. you dont want anything deep or even good. just something.

on a different and completely unrelated note, isn't the color of lightning awesomely amazing?? i love thunder storms because of the lightning. especially at night. the way everything is pitch black one second and then illuminated an eerie electric blue the next. it's gorgeous.

oh, and internet explorer is being gay and not playing nicely with blogger. it is annoying. i mean i know that they are supposedly known for incompatibility and stuff, but come on.

and i hate it when the lead in a movie spends half the movie shirtless when he definitely doesnt have the body for it. old beer belly is not something i want to see for an hour. keep your clothes on or go to the gym every once and a while. gosh.

*Maintain Consciousness - Relient K

could somebody show me the kind of affection that you only see in the movies?

i'm a complete cynic when it comes to love. i just dont believe it exists. not the fairy tale kind at least. not what you see in disney movies. not what you read about in books. people dont share that one magical kiss and then live happily ever after. it just doesnt work that way. im not saying that people dont love each other or are never happy with each other, it's just not like a disney movie.

and i want the disney movie. i've always preferred fictional life to reality.

you know in the movie enchanted when giselle is telling patrick dempsey's character about prince edward and he's all cynical and goes on about how they've only known each other a day and thats ridiculous and stuff?? when you see it in a disney movie, it seems acceptable. why shouldnt the scullery maid marry the prince?? but under the harsh light of reality it really is ridiculous. they danced together for one night. one night. and that is enough to guaruntee a happily ever after?? i wish. i really do.

there's this line in twilight that always bugged me. every time i read the books it annoys me. i'm not gonna go search for the exact quote, but basically edward tells bella how much better and more powerful emotions - namely love - are when you experience them yourself rather than reading about them. it might just be me, but i think pure unadulterated storybook love is stronger than what exists in reality. maybe i'm just really missing out on something, but i dont think disney worthy love exists in the real world.

*Your Evil Soul - The Spill Canvas