Thursday, July 30, 2009

the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind

have you ever thought about your death?? i'm not talking about the metaphysical stuff or the religious life after death aspect. but the actual day you die.

not even as much about how it happens... car crash, plane crash, getting trampled by a stampede of hungry college students on their way to lunch. my thoughts are consumed by the more trivial points: what i'll be wearing or doing at the moment.

knowing me, i'll probably be in some outfit that'll give the doctors something to laugh about as they announce my time of death. my socks won't match, i'm sure of that. it will probably be in a time that i have neglected to shave my legs. if anyone looks through my bag, they wouldn't find much besides gum and chapstick... and an awful license picture. i wonder if i'll be listening to my iPod and what song will be playing. i have to remember to take off any songs that are an embarrassment to human kind.

and what about after?? when people go through my room, my stuff?? my closet will more likely than not be a complete mess. it will probably the day before laundry day when my laundry basket is nice and overflowing. they'll find everything i write - something i dont like people to read - and realize exactly why i didnt want them reading it after they are thoroughly confused by the first few pieces. they'll wonder about my treasures that are really just sentimental junk, and probably throw them away. all of the movie ticket stubs i've saved - for god knows what reason - will probably label me as psychotic. my favorite clothes that my sisters aren't allowed to borrow (not that they listen) will be up for the taking. that is, if my family even bothers to go through my stuff. the mess might just scare them off, and some men with a bulldozer may just have to clear out my room for them... straight into the city dump.

and, no, i'm not morbid. so you can just stop thinking that. it's actually pretty comical in my head.

on an entirely different note, this song has been stuck in my head all day:

*Blowin' in the Wind - Bob Dylan

they all tried coming on to her. don't they know it's never going to work?

if you've stayed in saudi arabia for any length of time, no matter how short, you've probably experienced it. if you read my blog, you've probably heard about it in posts like this. the creepy desperation of saudi guys. i'm not saying all saudi guys, but when you walk out your door and are bombarded by numbers, it really starts to feel like it's all of them.

and there is no age limit on the sleaziness.

yesterday (it mightve been the day before) we were in the car with K and her dad. they picked us up from our house and she needed to get something copied on our way back to their house. so we're driving to go to a kinko-type place and this light blue car flies out of nowhere, almost hitting us before swerving into the next lane. we're used to this kind of stuff here, but it's a reflex for me to look into the car as we pass it to see who's driving. it's some middle-aged man in sunglasses. one of those guys that look like they live in their parents basement, have some weird job, and dont get anywhere near enough sunshine (a difficult feat when you live in a desert). looking into guys' cars here is not a very smart idea, and as he glances over i look away.

we reach the copy-making place and K's dad goes out to make the copies while we all wait in the car. and guess who we see?? yup, creepy blue car guy. only, now he has taken off his sunglasses so we can get a good look at his eyes that make him look even creepier if that's possible. he starts pointing at his cell phone and giving leering smiles, waiting for us to ask for his number. and though we sit in the car completely ignoring him, he doesnt give up. he waits until K's dad gets back and we drive off before stopping his attempts.

i mean, really dude? you could be my father. you could be all of our fathers - maybe's K's older brother. why in the world would we take your number?? do we look as desperate as you?? even if we were, you would still be the last person to tempt me to take your number. seriously.

*Next Contestant - Nickelback

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

the room is still, but we're about to fall

one of the blogs i read, The Secret Life of Tova Darling, has this thing called Totally Awkward Tuesday, where she (and whoever wants to participate) writes an awkward story that happened to them. though i could swear that 93% of my entire life has consisted of awkward moments, i could never think of one to write on the spot. my cousin reminded me of this by talking about the embarrassment of falling down in public.

i went to a private girls' high school, but the boys were just on the other side of some green doors and would sometimes mix in with us - buses, assemblies, and occassionally classes. my ap bio lab junior year was 'mixed.' though calling it that is a bit of a stretch as there was really only one boy in ap bio (the reason it made sense to mix the labs). i have pretty much succeeded in blocking this guy out of my memory because of a few embarrassing moments concerning him, but i'm pretty sure he was your typical nerd. and i'm pretty sure he wasnt a big fan of the rest of us for some reason (we once brought him a free smoothie from a smoothie sale we did to be nice... he didnt drink it and threw it away at the end of class :/).

anyways, our classroom had two long tables that we all sat at on bar stools, the three legged backless ones with the rung thingie at the bottom. there were cabinets along the sides of the tables that held bio and ap bio books. i sat right behind one of the ap bio book cabinets.

the basic layout of the classroom. circles are the other students.

so one day, about halfway through class, our teacher says to get out our books and look at something on page whatever. i had the books for our table so i pass one to my friend in front of me, put one in front of myself, and then went to hand one to the guy. for some reason, he wasnt feeling particularly helpful, so i had to stand up to reach over the table to put it in front of him. unfortunately, my foot had been resting on the rung thingie on the stool and when i tried to stand up. it got stuck, and i wound up sprawled across the table looking up at the face the guy was trying to keep straight. ive always been a big blusher, so of course my face was tomato red and burning. i practically jumped up off the table and scrambled back into my seat, hoping for the floor to open and swallow me up.

thankfully, the teacher hadnt noticed anything and was still explaining, so i could only hope everyone was listening to her. i sat at the back of the room, so the chances of anyone having seen my fall was slim. i glance around casually, just to make sure, and at the far side of the room i see my friends dying of silent laughter.

even the people who didnt see me fall were still talking about it when i graduated.

*Falling Over Me - Demi Lovato

Sunday, July 26, 2009

why don't you listen to me?

i hate it when people don't listen to me. i learned a long time ago that some people are talkers and some are listeners. i am undoubtedly a listener. always have been. but when i say something, listen god dammit. don't ignore me. don't act like what i'm saying doesnt matter. don't pretend that you know me better than i know myself. i am not a child. i know what i want - sometimes - and what i dont want - most of the time - and i need you to recognize that. when i say that i dont want to get married, especially not to you, do not tell me that when you set your mind on something you always get it. what are we, cavemen? do you think you can drag me by my hair to your cave, grunt a couple of times, and pronounce me your wife? do not tell me that we will get married and make it seem like a good thing. i am not that easily distracted. do you think that because you say 'we will get married and it'll be like a dream come true' i will forget that i dont want to?? do you think ignoring what i say will make me start to ignore it too?? are you really that delusional?? when i say you're a clingy drama queen, that does not mean i want to have your babies. really. even if you already have their names picked out.

when i talk, listen. hear what i'm telling you and not what you want to hear. when you are busy planning my future, think about taking what i want into account.

*Listen - Goo Goo Dolls

Saturday, July 25, 2009

i'm gonna make this short and sweet

My room needs to be cleaned.

i'm sitting on my bed, trying to think of my six words, and it feels like the mess in my room is going to jump up and attack me. i always leave my room for last when i clean and rarely get around to it.

*Short and Sweet - Matchbox Romance

Thursday, July 23, 2009

it's laundry day

i have a headache. you know, the kind that makes your head feel like it's a balloon filled with way to much air and about to pop, when there's so much pressure you're sure submarines would implode if they were inside your brain, yeah one of those. and every step i take makes my head pulse and throb. every step. yet, the only thing i can think of is:

laundry in the kitchen... the idea itself grosses me out. the thought of piles of dirty clothes in the place food is made makes me actually think about watching what i eat. almost.

why the sudden interest in kitchen laundry??

well, it all started on our trip to madinah a few weeks ago. we (my aunt, her huband, her children, my uncle, and my family) all stayed in this furnished apartment. it was right next to the mosque and really big so it was a hotspot for religious tourists. obviously. this meant that while clean and stuff, it had that dirty motel - not to be confused with the nice motels - feel about it. you know, the one that makes you cringe to step barefoot on the carpet or slide in under the sheets even though you know they were both cleaned right before you stepped into the place. anyways, the big washing machine was thrown in the kitchen, across from the big trash can. i thought that was odd, but the place was designed to fit as many people as possible inside - there were two twin beds in the living room - so i let it slide.

then, we went to taif. we stayed in another furnished apartment, but this one was much much nicer, though it was smaller. where at the madinah place we had beds to spare, at the taif place the non-parents mostly slept on the floor. the place was nice, nothing cringe-worthy about it. there was just one thing that threw me. there, front and center in the kitchen, where you might find a dishwasher in some other house, was a washing machine. built in and everything. yes, they planned to put a washing machine in the middle of a kitchen.

the washing machine in Taif... in the kitchen

okay, i thought, maybe they were pressed for space too. i mean, they do have to fit everything in to a specific amount of space in these furnished places. i guess they did the best they could. right??

so i tried my best to ignore it. again. that's when i started watching tv with my brothers in the living room. they were watching some arab cartoon that i had never seen before and even forgot what it was called. the characters had really long arms and the girl had a very screechy voice. but i digress. my point is that, in that cartoon, the mom started to do the laundry. and guess where she did it?? yup, the kitchen. she loaded the clothes in the machine that was in the kitchen, added the soap, and we were left to watch the swirling colors for a few seconds. then today, i was watching a completely different cartoon, and guess what i saw?? a washing machine in the kitchen again. i realize that these are cartoons, but they have to be based on something right??

so now i'm thinking, maybe kitchen washing machines are really normal. maybe i'm the weird one for thinking otherwise. what do you think??

*Geek in the Pink - Jason Mraz

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

trying to turn around on a one-way street

for years, i hear people talking about 'that far fish place' as the most amazing seafood you could ever eat ever in your whole life... at least living in jeddah. me and my sisters are the only people in the family who hadnt gone, or were. last night we (or me and oneof the sisters) went with a few of our cousins. the place was good, we had fun, but the real story comes in before we even get there.

we pick up K from her job at nine and head off to the fish place. it's getting pretty close to ten when we start getting close (yes, the far fish place was named that for a reason). so we're driving and all of a sudden K goes, 'dad, you were supposed to turn off there.' he immediately says, 'no, i'm sure there's another exit to get to it coming up.' there wasnt, which K was kind enough to point out. repeatedly. we drove right past the place but couldnt turn off the road anywhere to get to it.

let me take a minute to describe the road situation. it'll make the rest of the story seem slightly less insane. from left to right: there were lanes going in one direction, a cement barrier (not the sidewalk kind but the mini wall kind), lanes going in the other direction (which we were on), a bunch of sand, some more cement barriers and fences, a side road and the restaurant.

so we go past the restaurant and realize that we're gonna have to drive a while before we can u-turn when the other cousin we were meeting started to call and ask where we were. K got a bit impatient and told her dad to go turn in the sand and just drive in the wrong direction until we got to the missed turn-off. he went into the sand, but refused to get back on the road in the wrong direction. so he started driving in the sand hoping to find a place where there wasnt cement or fencing to cut through to the side road.

we drove for a while in the sand, getting closer and closer to the missed turn and further from the restaurant... still no place to leave the sand. we finally come to an empty sandy lot with still no way to get out. K gets out of the car and walks around for a bit, coming back to tell us that she found a way out. there was a rampish type sandy part which apparently seemed drivable. so, though A is calling them both stupid, K guides her dad to where he should drive up. we start up a little bit before our tires start spinning and we create our own sand storm, completely obscuring our view.

after giving up from that, we go back on the sand the way we had come and make it to in front of the restaurant, but still separated by the barriers and side road. A was all for parking there and walking the rest of the way. K was not.

after a few more minutes, the dad (I'm gonna call him Mr. O from now on, it's shorter) finally gave in to K's crazy idea. he drove back up the sand and got back on the road... driving in the wrong direction. at night. with cars coming directly towards us. yes, we stayed in the service lane as much as possible, but this is saudi arabia where everyone drives in the service lane. my sister's inner comm major came out as she let everyone know that she didnt want to die - loudly and repeatedly.

after a few more illegal (though i'm not really sure that matters here) moves, we make it to the turn and get to the restaurant to eat. surprisingly, all in one piece. no one even honked at us, which makes me think it's not all that uncommon on that road. not something i find very comforting.

*Not Meant to Be - Theory of a Deadman

Sunday, July 19, 2009

the words i couldn't say

being bi-lingualish (it's more like lingual and a half most of the year... lingual and three quarters during the summer when my arabic unrusts) i have this problem with words from one language being said in the other. english words said in arabic like computer, pepsi, panda, hot dog... i can't do them. arabic words in english, mostly names, are impossible too. i cant butcher the pronunciation on purpose, even when i try to. my brain knows the right way to say the word and by golly it will say it right. i won't change my p's to b's or my "ح"'s to h's. i refuse. of course, my stubborness can lead to frustrating conversations and time wasted trying to be understood. much like this recent instance:

aunt: so A (remember her?) works at the holiday inn, right?
me: actually, no. she works at the hilton.
aunt: where?
me: umm... the hilton?
aunt: sheraton?
me: no, hilton.
aunt: weston?
me: hilton.
aunt: where?
me: hilton.
aunt: *blank stare*
me: hilton... hilton... hilton...
aunt: *continues with the stare. starts to think i'm making up names to confuse her*
i turn to me sister for help.
sister: the hilton.
aunt: ohh weston.
me and sister: hilton.
my two cousins finally take pity on us and, trying to hold back laughter and smiles, say: hilton (with an arab accent)
aunt: ohh

she then let us know that she thinks we are stupid, even though they were the ones saying it wrong. and really, how different are the two words?? but people have not understood the american way of pronouncing hot dog or panda (a supermarket) either. i dont get it.

*Words I Couldn't Say - Rascal Flatts

Saturday, July 18, 2009

i've been driving in my car

so i just came back from taif. or not just just, it was really last night when we stumbled into our house after being in the car for a million years. okay, okay it was more like a couple of hours than a million years, but at times it felt like a million years. the last time i was in taif, i was in diapers and not even crawling, which does not count as going since i obviously don't remember it at all but my parents beg to differ. anyways, since this summer i seem to be incapable of replying to messages and emails, here are the details of the trip:

>we went, like with last weekend's roadtrip, with an aunt and her family and an uncle who can be hilariously fun company.

>the weather was be-yoo-tiful. way beyond amazing. we stayed in a furnished apartment (more of a condo) in alhada which is like a taif suburb kinda and you really couldnt sit inside. the weather was too great. if we werent out of the apartment we were on the balcony. the weather in downtown taif was not as nice. windy and still better than jeddah, but not as great as alhada.

>we played kun-kan like the entire time we were sitting outside. it's an addiction. kun-kan is kinda like the arab version of gin rummy, but with two decks of cards, 14 cards for each person, and a more complicated set of rules.

>we had lunch (really good chicken lol) on the side of the street. literally. we pulled over to the side of a street going up the mountain and had lunch with cars driving past us occassionally. this is okay to do in saudi arabia. my mom hated it. she said eating there put "dust in your food, and terror in your soul." but the view was great.

>our neighbor kids at the apartment place were loud and obnoxious. they were the type of kidst hat stayed playing and screaming all night until around 8 in the morning when they went to sleep. of course, they were then replaced with the next shift of playing and screaming kids.

>the road up and down was amazing. it's the mountain road and so a lot of the times you were like right on the edge of the mountain looking down what seemed like an endless slope to a lego city down, down below.

>my finger got slammed in a door (doors here are heavier than in america because they are solid) and let me just say... ouch. i was on my way out for a walk with the others so it happened i was like omg that kills and continued outside to meet them. i started to black out and go really dizzy and nauseous and basically collapsed in the street. i went back upstairs to lay down for like five minutes before deciding to suck it up cuz i did not want to spend time indoors. there was this purple dent in my finger when it first got slammed, but then that faded out into a nicely sized bruised bump.

i think thats pretty much the trip. it was a lot better than it sounds though.

*Driving in My Car - Madness

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

anywhere but here

'Hey sarah, i'm going to watch the midnight showing of Harry Potter tonight with a couple of friends and was wondering if you wanted to come. Let me know!'

this is what greeted me in my facebook inbox this morning. how depressing. i do want to go. this girl spent an entire semester telling me how i had to go to the midnight showing of a harry potter movie and how she was going to take me when this one came out. she wanted to see my reaction firsthand or something. looking over the fact that even if i was in the states i probably wouldnt be able to go with her, being in saudi arabia sucks at the moment. i want to watch the movie before it comes out on DVD *immature pouting*. too bad flying somewhere - anywhere - for a day or two to watch the movie is impossible. i am seriously cinema starved.

*Anywhere But Here - Safetysuit

Monday, July 13, 2009

you change your mind like a girl changes clothes

i have this problem with commitment. actually, it's not so much a problem as it is that i simply cant do it. i cant commit. to anything.

i cant commit to people. close friends and family aside, i tend to get sick of people fairly quickly... usually they're fault though. for some reason i attract those people that like to smother you, and they fill their lifetime quota of friendliness in a few months. after that, you are so sick of everything even slightly associated to them that every time you hear their name you are tempted to throw yourself out of the nearest window. i'm pretty patient though and can handle people like this for at least a year before i completely shut off. i cant see myself married to the same person - seeing them day in and day out - for the rest of my life. it'd end with either homicide or suicide.

i cant commit to ideas or decisions. i'll have this project idea for example and be all happy with it. the minute it starts to become more concrete than a pretty idea floating around inside my head, i jump ship. i switch over to a completely different idea. this is one of the reasons why all my work is done at the last minute, besides the fact that the last minute was created for exactly this of course.

i can't commit to a web browser. most people i know are either a firefox person, an ie person, a chrome person, or a safari person. they have their preferred browser and they stick to it, through thick and thin. i cant. i generally do my blogging and stumbling on chrome, my email and digging on ie, and my college stuff on firefox - key word being generally. there is no hard fast rule for this.

in the stories i write, i always bail out after a few pages. i might write the first few pages, skip ahead to more interesting parts, write an ending, and then not have the patience to go back and fill in the blanks. i might also just write the beginning or the end or one scene and then switch over to a completely different thing.

i cannot, for the life of me, commit to any diet or exercise routine. i simply do not have the will power. i'll start it out fine, and by the end of the day, weeek, or month, i will have abandoned it so completely that i will not even remember what it was to start with.

this commitmentphobia of mine may come from my fear of failure. if you never commit to something, you can never truly fail at it because you had not given your all. or it may just be that when the will power was being passed out i was too busy getting extra helpings of laziness to pick any up. i may not have the ability to commit because i am more of a journey than a destination type of person. once you actually get some place you're just counting down the minutes till you leave, the getting there is where the fun is. whatever it is, me and commitment go together almost as well as oil and water.

*Hot N Cold - Katy Perry

seems to me like we've got the letters ADD branded into our mentality

my mind can't seem to stay focused on anything, so here are some of the thought fragments bouncing around in my head.

> i want to lose ten pounds, no time frame because i'm not good with time limits. i'm also not good with diets or exercise.

> i need to read tomboy and scribbler of dreams. i read these books every summer when i'm here for as long as i can remember (they used to be practically the only books here that appealed to me). it's just not a complete vacation until they are read, and i probly wont get around to reading them.

> there are dudes doing something outside - painting i think. they woke me up at 7 two days in a row. one of them is constantly looking up, and i dont know if he's looking into my room or not. i should probably close my shutter thingie just in case but i get claustrophobic when my windows are covered.

> i want a double digit number of blog followers.

> i watched the first couple of episodes of grey's anatomy season 5, meredith really does never shut up about her relationship. the game was right.

> i like to eat half a pack of oreos when the pack is just opened and the other half after it's sat open and they get soft.

> i need to clean my room. it's a mess. but i just dont feel like it, and when i was cleaning the rest of the house i didnt have time to do my room before i showered and left to lunch. now the cleaning urge is gone, but the mess still here. all over my floor. mocking me.

> i think i have too many flip flops... if there is such a thing.

> i also need to do my laundry pretty soon.

> my camera is lost somewhere... i'm hoping in the car. it's been lost since we got back from madinah on friday. i still havent gotten around to looking for it, but i really want it.

> i need to buy a new iPod when we get back to america.

> i'm supposed to be working on my senior capstone project over the summer. i havent even looked at anything related to it or contacted my group. at all. but if they felt like doing anything, they could comtact me, right?? it doesnt matter that i'm team captain, they can all initiate action. they are all at least 5 years older than me and way more into the whole IT thing.

> whenever i get lazy and wear my glasses to my cousins', we end up going out somewhere.

*Maintain Cinsciousness - Relient K

Saturday, July 11, 2009

it's not right, not ok

the commotion of a story that just happened:

we were at our cousins' house (the cousins we are with all the time and the ones who are mentioned a few times on this very blog, lets call them K and A) and it was getting time to go. my cousin had a fight with her brother over the weekend and he is not one to get over things fast, or let you get over them. this wouldnt be such a problem except for the fact that he's usually the one that takes us home at the end of the night. so today their dad was supposed to take us home. it was agreed upon and everything. but he decided to sleep early and didnt let K or A know so that we wouldnt have to leave early. so when K calls to say 'okay where are you', he says 'i gave the key to your brother.' she was annoyed but whatever what's done is done. so we get in the car and she doesnt want to sit in front (her usual seat) because she's so beyond annoyed with him that sitting that close might lead to the start of a world war. my sister sits in the front instead. it's a silent ride to our house, with a quick stop at the gas station store thing. we get to our house, close the gate behind us, and hear a car speed off only to screech to a halt not too far away. we are halfway up the stairs to our house when my sister notices that the car is stopped and K is getting out and walking back towards our house. we run downstairs and open the gate just as she reaches it.

apparently he said either she rides in front or he leaves her here - he was not going to look like a driver. he threw the key at her and stalked off, telling her to decide. so she came back to our house to call her dad to pick her up (she had left her cell at home). of course, that means the dad would have to take a taxi to our house because the brother used his car. the dad was annoyed cause the brother had already told his distorted side of the story. a couple of phone calls later, K decides to give the brother the key (which she still had) and take a taxi home. so she goes back down and we head into our rooms. we of course each go to our windows to see what happens, and see K waving at us to come down. my sister runs down again to let her in. it turns out, her brother hadn't left to let her decide. he had just left her.

that is wrong for several reasons. girls can't drive in saudi arabia, so she was basically stranded with a car, and not even right in front of our house. what if we hadnt seen her? also, you never ever ever not for any reason leave a girl alone on a street at night here. i dont care who she is or what just happened. you dont do it. we live in a pretty deserted area, but there are still cars that come by, some of them carrying guys that i would not like to be stranded on the street with.

end of story: the dad took a taxi and came to pick up his daughter and his car.

sure, K could have sucked it up and just sat in the front seat, maybe even should have, but sometimes you just cant. you are so mad at the person (which she has a right to be) that you cant bear to be next to them. and really, would it have killed him to just drive the five minutes it took to get home without anyone in the front seat? he's furious with her, too, so i cant believe that he would have wanted her next to him either. and no matter what, you do not say you are leaving for a minute and disappear, leaving your sister stranded on the street. you dont do it.

*Better That We Break - Maroon 5

i'm gonna make this short and sweet

dreamt about school... two months early

in my dreams last night (half an hour ago) summer vacation finished and we were back in america (we're going back the day before school). in real life i woke up, turned off my alarm, and went back to sleep. that got taken into my dream. my brothers had already left for school and suddenly i remember that i have school, too. this wouldnt be such a big problem - i've done my share of skipping classes - but i have a meeting with a professor before class about graduation and grad school and stuff thats kinda super important. this is where my brain became really confused between dreams and reality. i get out of bed in a panic. i couldnt miss that meeting. i go flying around my room looking for clothes and my school bag and a notebook and pen. i couldnt find anything, which sent me into a further panic. it took me a good ten minutes of tearing my room apart for my brain to wake up enough to realize that the reason i cant find anything is because all that stuff is in my room in america, not this one. and the reason i'm in this one is because there are almost two months left of summer vacation before school. :/

*Short and Sweet - Matchbox Romance

Friday, July 10, 2009

your love alone won't save the world

Sometimes, love just isn't enough. Not enough to dry your tears, not enough to give you the strength to stand when you've been knocked to your knees, not enough to conquer
anything, let alone all. Sometimes, the only thing love can do is give you something to blame when your world lays shattered at your feet.

this is another thing i'm on the fence about. not sure if i like it or not yet, and my brain is too tired to deicede right now, but i thought i'd share it anyway. it's only four pages, so don't be a lazy bum, and read it.


*Your Love Alone Is Not Enough - Manic Street Preacher

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

what's the purpose? it feels so worthless

a few days (weeks?) ago, i read a blog complaining about saudi arabia's tendancy to block certain websites, a lot of which have no block-worthy content. she was complaining that she couldnt check a blog that she reads, a blog that i, too, follow. of course, i went to the blog immediately to check, worried that i'd have to go the next two and a half months with no updates. i clicked on the link and let out a sigh of relief as the page loaded. i couldnt help but feel a little smug that the site wasnt blocked for me.

and then today happened. for some unfathomable reason something possessed me to delete the cache memory. so i did. and then i noticed that there was an update i hadnt seen that i would really like to read. so i clicked on the link and... nothing. at least not anything i wanted to see. instead of my website i got the dreaded screen telling me how i'm trying to go to a forbidden page that some of you may be familiar with. for those of you who arent, here it is:

and i'm telling you, people, there is nothing wrong with the site.

okay, i think to myself, so i go two months without reading it. i wont die. it's not like it's blocked from me forever (my condolences to those for who this isnt the case). so i check my email instead. i've been waiting for this link to download something important, and when i open my inbox, i have it! that's just what i needed to get over my annoyance. i open the email, completely forgetting that one of my blogs has been blocked, i click on the link, and... you guessed it. that stupid green and white screen. it's blocked. why?? once again, no idea.

this is getting way out of hand people. the link may very well be dead by the time i get back to america. do they not know that?? do they not know how important this link is to my mental health?? do they not care??

*More than Useless - Relient K

that's what it's all about

the other day, i did the hokie-pokie with my cousin's children. well, mostly his daughter (5). his son (2) does parts, but thinks when we put our foot in, we're kicking each other so he runs around kicking us. :/

anyways, she is obsessed. from the minute i see her we are putting our right hands in and our left feet out and doing the hokie-pokie cause really, that's what it's all about. only she calls it the hokie-bokie-bokie. and i am so hokie-pokied out it is not funny. but she's so cute when she does it that i can't help but do it again whenever she asks.

*The Hokie-Pokie

get it all down on paper

have any of you ever heard of flarf or spoetry?? we did a bunch of it in this class i took. you may have seen some of it and reactions about it in my HNRS 353 blog before i took it down. if you did, then i am extremely sorry that you live such a boring life that you feel the need to read my school work in what i'm sure was a failed attempt to amuse yourself. really, truly sorry for you. anyways, just to make sure we're all in the same book (we found it impossible to all get on the same page when it concerned flarf in class), flarf and spoetry are kind of the modern art of the poetry world. flarf is google based poetry. you google really random search terms and then take what comes up in the results and make a poem. some of them are funny, some stupid, and some really, really disturbing. youtube it. my teacher was like a professional flarfist or whatever they're called and would perform her poetry at big places where flarf is performed. spoetry, in case you're a tad slow this morning, is spam poetry and basically the same as flarf except instead of google results you use the subject line of spam emails. both are actually pretty fun to do, and i suggest everyone try them at least once. it's surprising what you come up with.

so enough of that, yesterday i was dead bored and joe was off. gasp, i know. joe is never off during the day. so anyways i was going through my ipod and made an iPoem (songs were on shuffle and for each song i skipped to a random part and wrote down the first lyric that i heard). it doesnt really make sense, and it's not really worth reading. so why am i posting it?? i need something to do. i am waiting for 10:30 and staring at the clock seemed to make it go slower. so, what i'm trying to say is, you can stop reading now and just leave this post a bit more knowledgable about modern poetry methods. that being said, you can always continue:

Late at night I'm still wide awake
Put up your hands, say 'I don't want to be in love.'
No one can possible listen to this,
my tongue still misbehaves, and it keeps digging my own grave.
Somehow, I know I'll be strong.
Come on now this is screaming
now I'm sick of thinking anything at all.
Driving slow on Sunday morning and I never want to leave.
I feel so cheap, so used, unfaithful
For how long?
There's a reason why no one knows her name.
My heart, my pain won't cover up. You left me
after school walking home
I will always love you,
and I know that you're a sucker
hanging above as the conyon comes between.
And from your lips she drew the broken halleluja.
I get the strangest feeling you belong
I know this hurts, it was meant to
before loneliness will cause my heart to break.
She's beautiful as usual
I just can't look, it's killing me.
A story of losing a lover
See what you've gone and done
Ringing bells, it's red alert
well, a 33 year old grandma...
and that's all I get to know.
And that's about the time she walked away from me.
Well, I never pray, but tonight I'm on my knees,
let me take you on the ride of your life.
No one like you.
It was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard
Our breath rose in the cold
Everyone you know, someday, will die.
If only I could get through this
tonight, I could be your hero, baby.

it seems longer typed :/

*Breathe - Anna Nalick

Monday, July 6, 2009

your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone

gather round, people, for a spine-thrilling story of love and loss.

my neighbor (or the dude that owns the land next to ours) didnt live on his land. he hasnt built a house for himself there yet. i've never seen him. i had doubts that he even existed. so shocked i was when we came this year and saw that something had actually been built on the land. a house too small for a person to live in, a house that could mean only one thing: chickens. a handfull of chickens and a rooster had moved next door.

now, some people may have found the crowing of the rooster obnoxious, a nuisance in the quiet hours of the day and night. but to me, it was a comfort sound. some neighbor near my old house used to have a rooster, and i remember listening to it wile i was younger. so hearing this new rooster was like a blast from the past. we would go out and see the chickens parading down the street or resting under the shade of one of our trees. we would come home and see them sleeping in their coop. i was told someone was watching them, but they seemed free to do pretty much whatever they wanted. it was not hard to grow attached to these chicken neighbors, and attached we all grew.

then, on the fateful day of june 25, i heard the news. a mass murder. all of the chickens and the rooster were found hanging headless and bleeding on the empty lot, or so i heard. i couldnt go see for myself. it was too hard. it was not hard to find the culprit, there was only one person with the motivation. one person who knew the chickens but didnt really know them, couldnt have grown to love them as we did. our "neighbor", though murder is hardly a neighborly trait.

they were dead. the coop was empty. but were they really gone? i thought so until i started hearing the crowing of the rooster early in the morning. at first i thought, the neighbor got more chickens! but the coop remained empty. then i thought another neighbor may have gotten some, but that too was proved to be a wrong assumption. there was only one logical reason behind the crowing left. the ghost of the rooster was haunting the coop, crying out at the injustice of his death. either that or i'm going crazy.

i still hear it, that mournful wailing of a lost friend, though i have yet to see any ghost animals around. phantom rooster or signs of psychosis?? the world may never know...

*My Immortal - Evanescence

easy as 1 2 3

Another life in numbers...

10 - the number of rooms in our house.

9 - the number of palm trees in front of the house across the street.

8 - what time i usually wake up.

7 - the number of minutes i spent writing this post.

6 - number of oreos in a pack. i live off of oreos here.

5 - pairs of shoes lying on my floor which need to be put away.

4 - the number of movies sitting on my nightstand.

3 - what time i usually go to sleep.

2 - the number of months i have left in jeddah.

1 - number of bars shown in my internet signal strength.

*ABC - Jackson 5

Saturday, July 4, 2009

try to stay awake and remember my name

i hate hate hate it when people spell my name without the h. yes, hate to the power of three. especially when said people should know better. if you are writing on my facebook wall, it says my name right there so dont get it wrong. if i have known you for years, then dont get it wrong. if we were just having a conversation about names that end with h, dont get it wrong. and dont tell me that it doesnt make a difference. because it does. would you like me to change your name for you?? because that is what you are doing when you eat my h, you are changing my name. and i would really rather you didnt. have you ever read/watched anne of green gables?? she always introduced herself as anne spelled with an e. why?? because it makes a difference. it really does. it doesnt matter if ann and anne or sara and sarah are pronounced the same way. they are spelled differently which makes them different. a sara is not a sarah in your mind's eye, and i would really prefer to be a sarah than a sara.

stop being cheap and give me my h.

-Sarah spelled with an h

*Everybody's Changing - Keane

everybody's changing, and i don't feel the same

i go months sitting on facebook 24/7 followed by months when i barely open the site. i am currently in one of my facebook lulls, but this morning i decided to go on and make sure i havent been missing out on anything major happening in anyone's lives. i wasnt. but looking at some of the things that popped up on my homepage about highschool friends - wall posts, notes, pictures - i realized how much i wouldnt fit in with them anymore. if i had met them for the first time right now, i doubt we'd make any lasting impression on each other. maybe one of us is growing up faster than the other. maybe being out of our tiny highschool has let us just be ourselves - a self that doesnt necessarily belong with the self we were back then. maybe we all just changed.

i know i've changed. a lot. but at the same time, i feel like i havent changed at all. i think one of the main changes was my switch from friends to family. i always liked my family... for the most part. but since i've graduated i've really come to appreciate them - from my immediate family to cousins, uncles, and aunts. lonerish as it might sound, they have become my closest friends (that doesnt mean i dont have moments when i wish i could go back to my younger self, scream 'i hate you' at the top of my lungs, stomp up the stairs, and slam my bedroom door to brood). i tend to blame one person for turning me off of the human race which led to my distancing myself from most people i know (mainly friends), but i'm sure it wouldve happened eventually. i'm coded for it. a friend and i used to make lists of people who would really truly miss us if we suddenly disappeared. if i made one of those lists now, it would contain mostly family, maybe a couple of friends. and i'm okay with that in a way i wouldnt have been before. my inability to complete a class presentation without turning into a flustered tomato has all but vanished. i no longer have the smallest shred of attention to spare on what people think of me. if i like me, that's all that matters. i refuse to try and be what people want me to be. i try to be a better everything: muslim, sister, daughter. i am more anxious about the future, less sure of where i will/want to end up. i don't like talking on the phone anymore. i have given up capital letters. but i still love to read, write, and let tv and movies rot my brains. i still prefer junk food to "good" food, baking to cooking. i still use sarcasm like it's going out of fashion. i'm still apathetic and lazy. my looks havent changed. i havent developed any major new hobbies, discovered any hidden talents. the basics have pretty much stayed the same.

on a different note, you know what word i find depressing?? almost. it mocks failures and belittles succeses. you almost made it. you almost didnt make it. we're almost there. when you succeed, when you fail... it's the almost that keeps you up at night thinking of the what if's. i'd rather miss by a landslide than almost get it right.

oh, and happy fourth of july!

*Everybody's Changing - Keane

i'm gonna make this short and sweet

slow down, you move too fast

the world has been put on fast forward and the button is stuck. theres no time to do anything. no time to see anyone. i never seem to get anything done. you try to make plans but it seems like you wake up just to go to sleep ten minutes later. birthdays count the years that pass by like flipping through pages of a calendar. days speed by and people speed by, but everything just needs to slow down.

see more 6WS over here.

*Short and Sweet - Matchbox Romance

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

stayin up till four in the morning

it's three thirty and i just got back from a wedding and i cant sleep. mind you, we left early and didnt even see the bride. not that i really cared because i knew neither her nor the groom (he's the sister of my cousin's wife), and my dad and uncle took us and the men's dinner finishes waaaay before the women's thing. anyways, though the wedding was fun, it was such a commotion. (i blame my cousin who was insistant that we shouldnt go).

the series of unfortunate events:
*i actually wasnt planning on going to this wedding so i had neither bag nor make up to match my dress. as i decided to go a couple of hours before we left, it was too late to bum some off a cousin. i finally made do with some of my sister's.
*i was doing my hair and suddenly (seriously out of nowhere even ask my cousin) a huuuge knot appears at the back of my head. i wasnt even doing anything at the moment. it took forever to painfully brush out.
*my sister's hair straightener would not work properly. this is her favorite thing in the world. it always works.
*while my sister was done getting ready, she spilled lotion all over the front of her dress. i have no idea how. and she couldnt cry because then her makeup would get ruined, but she was having difficulty keeping back the tears. my dad got it all off perfectly.
*just as i was walking across the hallway to get to the door to go to the car where my dad was waiting, my shoe broke. in three places. it was ridiculous, and the only black shoes i have here. i ended up using my sister's.
*when we were all in the car, we realized my sister had forgotten the invitation upstairs and so she had to run back up to get it so that we could have the cards that would let us in.
*we got lost on the way there (and the way coming) and since the wedding was in makkah we had already been in the car for over an hour. my hair was so flat when we finally got to the place, but it was fixable.
*my sister matched the wedding color scheme a little too much. her tulle shawl looked the exact same as the stuff tied around the back of each chair. and my chair conveniently didnt have one so it kinda looked like she had stolen it.
*my sister's necklace broke out of nowhere while we were sitting. the chain just snapped. she looked a little weird searching on the floor for the pendant, but it's okay cause she's an american.
*like i said, we had to leave early, and i made a commotion getting up. i tripped over a chair that some not so smart person had left behind me in the already crowded space between the tables. then, as i tried to catch my balance, i tripped on the front of my dress. i didnt fall, but i looked like an idiot.

oh, and they were walking around serving peaches, plums, and cherries from fish bowls along with te juice. :/ it was very random.

despite all this, though, we had fun. i just wish that some people wouldnt wear dresses with slits up to their throats and stomachs and sides bare if they really dont have the body for it. i do not want to see you oozing out of your dress thank you very much. you are embarassing yourself.

*4 in the Morning - Gwen Stefani

the butterflies in my stomach they could bring me to my knees

i opened my inbox this morning to deal with the whole slew of neglected emails that have been coming in over the past few weeks. you know, the ones that you cant just delete without opening because they might be important, but they dont seem interesting/important enough to open right away.

one of the emails was instructing me to go fill out my graduation intent form if i planned to graduate, as the deadline is july 10. and so i did.

and now i am suffering from an anxiety attack. a big one.

there was a reason i was putting this off. now, all the graduation jitters i have been suppressing are back with a vengeance. i am not ready to be a college graduate. i do not know what i want to do with the rest of my life. i don't even know what i want to do with tomorrow. i havent even really gotten my thoughts organized about grad school. aaaahh!

am i too old to sneak off to neverland??

*So Much - The Spill Canvas