Monday, November 30, 2009

can’t quit carving question marks in my wrist

can you believe how fast this weekend has gone by? actually, this whole month ran past me when i wasnt looking. i got absolutely nothing of consequence done (either in the weekend or the month). i dont even want to think about what i have left to do because then i'll realize how behind i've become and maybe feel a little bad about the whole procrastinating thing. i may also realize that there are only two real weeks left of school. then exams start (i only have three this semester) and then thats it. it's over. not this semester (well, that too) but all of it . my undergraduate years of university. i have a little less than a month before i am thrown into the real world, armed with only my college degree - which, roughly translated, means i am completely unprepared. for anything and everything.

the anxiety i have been supressing amazingly well all semester is beginning to rise to the surface. i will be graduating, and i have absolutely no idea what to do with myself afterwards. yes, all my stupid little get-a-job-at-my-high-school and get-a-job-at-sacm ideas were all well and good when they were just that: ideas. but can i really see myself in either of those places? no. i cant see myself anywhere. i was born to be a lazy bum, a student who never studies, a reader, a writer, a procrastinator. i was not meant to wake up for a 9 to 5 job and do stuff or teach stuff or apply stuff i shouldve learned. i'm not so sure i can do all of that, or that i even really want to. i'm not a fan of tedious routines or schedules or people telling me what to do.

anyways, if the stupid grad school programs would get back to me, maybe i wouldnt be as worried because i'd know what i was doing come january. but one has just told me that i need to get in my teacher recommendation (which i had completely forgotten about) by tomorrow or they're canceling my application and the other is taking so long to look over that i'm afraid they've already rejected me and are just trying to figure out how to best phrase their decision that i was not meant for forensics.

the clock is relentlessly ticking away the days one minute at a time, and i have no idea what i'm going to do. what i want to do. what i should do. what i will do. everything past the end of this semester is a foggy gray screen covered in question marks.

***Update: i got the teacher's recommendation letter. ken santucci (i probably butchered the spelling :/) is the awesomest professor ever.

*The Future Freaks Me Out - Motion City Soundtrack

Saturday, November 28, 2009

i've been waiting a long time

yesterday was eid, and lets pretend i wasnt too busy and wished you all a happy eid, okay? this week was just full of celebrations and events and food. cake day (birthday), turkey day (thanksgiving), and sheep day (eid).

so my eid had a rocky start, or not really start but kinda in the beginning still. i went to pray like usual which was fine, saw all those people and whatever. then my family and my sister's family went to ihop for breakfast. we ordered. we got our drinks. we waited. we waited. we waited. a table next to us came, ordered, ate, left. we waited. my dad complained. the lady said, 'you guys ordered a lot of omelets and that takes long.' none of us ordered omelets. the table behind us (where everyone had omelets) got their food. we waited. my dad complained to the waitress again. we waited. my dad complained to the manager. you know what she said? 'go sit down.' yeah, i know. my dad got pissed, obviously and yelled at the waitress again, but without yelling. you know what i mean? she finally brings out the food, being all pissy with us. we get up and leave. she shoots us a murderous glare and tells the other waiter to take the food back to the kitchen. as we leave, the manager tells my dad. 'don't disrespect my staff unless you want them to disrespect you.' wth. we go to silver diner for breakfast instead. it was awesome.

tonight, we (my mom, younger sister, me, my grandma) went to see a chanticleer christmas at my school. my grandma has been telling me to see them forever. it was the first in their national tour of christmas concerts this year. the first half was not in english. the second was a mix. i was a little iffy before they started but oh my god i loved them. and they were so happy and smiley and glad to be there and proud of themselves and talented. as soon as i find a good youtube video of them, i'll post it.

sorry for the choppiness. my flowing abilities are mia.

*Waiting - Green Day

Thursday, November 26, 2009

i'm not thankful

in case you are not fortunate enough to be living in america and taking part in a day dedicated solely to stuffing your face with turkey and mashed potatoes, today is thanksgiving. people say the real reason for thanksgiving has nothing to do with food and is to give thanks for everything in your life and whatever, but we all know that these are just the people who don't have a good cook making their meal. it really is all about the food.

but in spirit of the day, here's a list of things that i am not thankful for. (the thankful one would be oh so cliche and boring). there's ten because in elementary school we had to say ten things we were thankful for.

1. i am not thankful for the misconception that leggings are interchangeable with pants.

2. i am not thankful for people who think a grey cloud changes every speed limit to ten mph.

3. i am not thankful for batteries that die just when you really need them (like an iPod just as the bus starts to move).

4. i am not thankful for the increase in movie ticket prices.

5. i am not thankful for professors who refuse to post grades.

6. i am not thankful for moronic group members.

7. i am not thankful for the fact that the "u" was kicked out of the word forty.

8. i am not thankful for group papers. stupidest project idea ever.

9. i am not thankful for hair that falls out in the shower.

10. i am not thankful for how easy it is to forget about a whole thing of yogurt in your fridge and then when it goes bad lie and say it smells like cheese when it really is just absolutely awful smelling.

what are you not thankful for?

*Don't think I'm Not Thankful - Michael English (yes, i did completely manipulate the lyrics to fit my post)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

and wouldn't it be grand if we were dead?

so i was sitting talking with this kid in my class yesterday as we waited for the rest of our group members to actually show up to the meeting thay they planned - it was ridiculous., they showed up forty five minutes late. anyways, i was talking to this kid, who's actually almond boy, if you guys remember that far back. we got to talking about that dude that was thought to be in a coma for twenty three years but was really conscious the entire time. you know, the one i mentioned at the beginning of this post.

we both agreed that that would be a miserable existence, simply awful. we also agreed that living alone in your own head would most definitely cause some insanity, because come on that situation just reeks craziness. we didnt agree, however, on why (besides the whole only having yourself to talk to) it would be so miserable. almond boy said that for the twenty three years they thought he was in a coma, he was probably hoping for them to pull the plug. because really, who wants to stay alive on a machine forever? and then he was like, now that they know he's conscious, it makes everything worse because they cant pull the plug now. it goes against the hippocratic oath. but if it was him, he'd still want to die. he said that having suffered for twenty three years, he wouldnt want to suffer any longer. he'd want them to end it for him, and that would be the reason he would try to let them know he was still conscious. to tell them to kill him.

i wasnt sure what to think about that. on one hand, i suppose it is kind of true. but on the other, he must have some hope that he would regain control of his muscles or whatever and make a recovery? yes? no? almond boy knew exactly what he would want and do in a situation like that. i have no idea.

and then i got to thinking, you know in movies and shows and i suppose it happens in real life, too, but ive never witnessed it so i cant be sure, when someone goes into a coma everyone goes and says what theyve always wanted to but never got around to saying to him? some of those things are probably good. it'll make him happy to hear what they were saying to/about him. but some of them would be awful. confessions to lighten the other person's burden. things you would never have the courage to say to him if he wasnt a vegetable.

and like dream world in narnia, how could the good thoughts stand a chance when the bad ones are so persistent in remaining in the foregrounds of a person's mind? twenty three years of having to live over and over those confessions. nothing else to think about besides how hopeless your situation is. nothing to do but watch as everyone you loved moved on with their lives, leaving you behind? nothing to do, nothing to say. just the thought is horrifying. and then i think, you know, maybe almond boy is right.

*Dead! - My Chemical Romance

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

alright, that's it, i've had enough

so an hour or so ago the validating for the nanowrimo word counts opened. i uploaded my novel and was declared a winner. yay me! and now, i promise you that this is the last time you will hear about nanowrimo and my novel. or at least until my printed copy of the book comes, but that wont be for a while so the nanowrimo overload will have calmed down a bit. because, seriously, i think ive bored myself with all the nanowrimo stuff. sheesh.

on another note, thanksgiving break has officially started. yay!

here's my certificate. isnt it pretty?? i'd show you a picture of the shirt i'm getting, but i dont feel like it.

*Teleport A & B - The Spill Canvas

this is a lesson in procrastination

with the end of the semester drawing to a close, tests and projects are being thrown at all of us with full force (if not, then i am extremely jealous of you).

with all these things to do, we'll all need things to procrastinate with (because we obviously cant be expected to just work the whole time. right?). here's a couple of things/news stories ive been wasting time with. feel free to put off important work with any of them.

>>first, take a moment to be thankful that you're stuck sitting at your desk with a bunch of work to put off instead of conscious, paralyzed, and presumed to be in a come, like this guy. doctors thought he was in a coma for 23 years! when, in fact, he wasn't and couldn't tell them.

>>now that you've put everything into perspective, take a philosophical minute and think about your perception. i found this article interesting. a famous musician played in the subway the night before his big show (with $100+ tickets) to the people who were probably attending the show the next night. everyone ignored him.

>>let loose your inner artist, and have fun making picasso-esque pictures online.

>>or be artistic by making flowers.

>>find out which drugs each of your internet addictions are compared to.

>>if you're going on a trip soon, use this packing list to know what to pack. or, if you're like me and aren't, use it anyway just to compare what you usually pack to what it tells you to.

>>make a short animated video (or ten) to practice your directorial skills.

>>if you're like me, and get lost in lists, this site will keep you occupied for a while with a long list of lists to peruse.

>>this is an image 100m long that fascinated me for some reason. it's worth a minute or two of your time to look at.

>>find out what the no. 1 hit song was in either the US , the UK, or Australia the day you were born. my US one was where do broken hearts go by whitney houston.

>>this hypnotized me for a while before my brain got around to realizing how stupid and pointless it was.

>>entertain yourself with the crazy rabbit.

>>and finally, find out why you yawn and why yawns seem more contagious than just about anything.

*Failure By Design - Brand New

Sunday, November 22, 2009

sincerely, mr. nobody was sent out to anyone who asked to read it. if you don't get it, let me know. if you didnt ask, but you want to read it, let me know too.

the best reward is earned, and i've paid for every single word


exactly three weeks since i started, and not quite 52k words and 84 single spaced pages later, i have finished.

sure, i dont really like audrey as much as other characters i have written. i dont even really feel that i made her up. i just told her story. and crappy or amazing, polished or not, it is done. and at the moment, i am very fond of it. even if it is complete crap, it's complete. i did it even though it seemed impossible.

aah im excited!

i should probably get over to some of my school work now, but i'll email it out to everyone who asked in the next day or two for you to read whenever. i think i should probably wait a bit to reread it myself though. maybe i'll wait for december which is technically editing month anyways.

i cant believe i actually finished this!

*Chase This Light - Jimmy Eat World

Saturday, November 21, 2009

now my head is empty and the workload keeps on growing

with a little over five hundred words to cross the finish line (and a little more than that to finish the novel) i need a break. and since i'm obviously not gonna write the paper for tomorrow night, let me go into details about yesterday.

first: new moon.

i'm probably part of a very small percentage here, but i didnt hate the twilight movie. was it a great movie? no, but nor was i expecting it to be one. having a lot more money thrown into it than twilight, new moon was definitely better put together with way better effects. a lot of people had a problem with twilight being all about character development and no action. new moon is the opposite. the main focus is the action, and all the character development is pushed into second place. but, like any book to movie adaptation, thats really just because you cant put a million pages of text into a movie. i have to say though that the movie is one of those ones that feel like no time has passed but then you realize its been two hours... not necessarily a bad thing, but a thing. i liked how those chapters that were just months were translated into the movie. i liked jessica - she's hilarious. there was one point though i had to exert some serious will power to stop from laughing out loud at the pure idiocy of the scene. i was embarrassed for the actors. i was embarrassed for the director. i was embarrassed for myself. when alice shows aro that she sees bella becoming a vampire, they cut to this scene of bella and edward running through a meadow. omg hilarious! i'm not a good movie judge cause i can pretty much like anything, but i thought it was good.

second: the party.

it was fun, too. everything was completely last minute. i sewed the bow ties onto our shirts before we went to the movies. then when we came back we made the games, decorated, made the cake, made the TV (to take pictures in), and did everything else. we got home a little after 2, and had to have everything done by the time the boys got home from school at four. we just made it. birthdays in our family are more of a family than friends thing, so it was just us, my sister's family, and my grandma, but it was super fun. as soon as i upload the pictures, i'll show you all my awesome geek shirts.

random snippets from today:

my brother at dinner: when i become a food cricket i'm going to give this cake four a pluses!

my dad talking to his computer (yeah thats where i get it from): thank you, mcfadden (he means mcafee)

ok so i just made a mental list of all the stuff i needa get done this weekend, and i'm pretty much screwed... it kinda makes me wanna go to sleep early tonight.

*Procrastination - Amy Winehouse

Friday, November 20, 2009

twisted words changes what things used to be

my professor decides to tell us now that he wants us to send what we've got of our semester long project to him by sunday night so he can review it before we meet with him on tuesday to basically do a run-through of our presentation. what we have now is five different empty word documents. for some reason, i dont think he'll be too impressed with that.

so instead of working on that, i'm working on my novel. of course. this weekend has decided to throw bucketfulls of hecticness at me, so i'm not even sure if i'll finish by this weekend. i really hope so, though. anyways, it has been amusing me today.

i was "sloganizing" my title for my novel, and i got:

"tell him about mr. nobody, mommy"

i suddenly got the feeling that mr. nobody was not as innocent and good as i had originally thought. but maybe i've just been hanging out with anisah and family guy too much.

also, nano has made me forget how to write. i was typing this morning, and instead of writing 'next' i wrote 'neckst.' my brain apparently likes to complicate things. then tonight, i wanted to write, throwing a napkin and i wrote throwing up a napkin. completely changed the scene. i almost went with it, but then changed my mind because i didnt want my main character getting sick right before christmas break. it just seemed mean after everything else she's been through. plus, why the hell would she have eaten a napkin to throw it up? looking back, i shouldve went with it. it would have provided lots of words.

my main character also decided to bless me with the knowledge that she has a weird aunt. i didnt know she had any relatives at all. shows how much i know, right?

today was good. saw new moon and had my brother's bday party. i'll go into details for both later. maybe. if i feel like it.

*Twisted Words - MXPX

Thursday, November 19, 2009

it's been a bad day, and tonight my love, it only gets worse

don't you just love the days when you wake up to a bad day and then it surprises you by getting progressively worse in ways you didnt expect? they're the best days - i love surprises.

you know what else i love? waking up over an hour before my alarm clock is supposed to go off and falling back asleep just when it decides to ring. having no phone on the one day of the week that i actually need it. being held up in the morning to repeat the same effing computer advice youve been giving for the past two weeks, realizing youre late, and not finding the pants you want. arriving to campus at 10:06... when the shuttle leaves at 10:05. having a group that never ever ever shows up to class. ever. feeling your iq drop considerably as you read through page after page of lamebook because it's like a stupid car wreck and you cant look away, and theres really nothing better to look at anyways. dealing with my wonderful family. stabbing yourself with the stupid needle repeatedly because youre too annoyed to sew right. getting stupid emails from moronic other group members, and just when you think the university has gone to the proverbial dogs and the students cant get any stupider, your other group decides to prove you wrong.

hunger and migraines go together like peanut butter and jelly. theyre so much better when you have them both at once.

*Never Said Anything - Steven Strait

my life's so pitiful. give me one good reason why i shouldnt end it all. if there's a reason then i haven't found it yet.

ever get these days? no?

*Pitiful - Sick Puppies

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

like saturn's rings, an icy loop around me

gah im freezing. i'm sitting under my blankets (yes with an s) and shivering. i really want to go change my shorts and tshirt into sweats and a hoodie, but i cant make myself get out from under the feeble warmth of my covers.

and i need to get out of bed to make the shirts for my brother's birthday on friday. he chose technology as his theme sooo i'm making us t-shirts with our names written out in glow-in-the-dark binary digits. geeky? maybe. awesome? yes. so far the shirts just have our names written on the back (i did that this morning). i'm really thinking of just doing them tomorrow, but my grandma is coming tomorrow so the house is going to be a commotion. and then friday i have to decorate and i'm going to watch new moon with my sisters and their friend(s). right now is really the only time.

i'm trying to tell myself that if i get up to do the shirts i can change at the same time, but it's not working.

i think my body is mad at me because i sat outside playing with barbies and cardboard boxes and webcams and robots in class for over two hours today as the temperature got progressively lower.

i. am. cold. brr.

*It's Beginning to Get to Me - Snow Patrol

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

it's time for me to do it on my own

i am coming to an end in my nanowrimo novel... kinda. thirteen thousand words really isnt much in the grand scheme of things, and that's about how much i have left. it will be over by the weekend, if not sooner.

and i have to say, i loved it. i'm glad i did it, and even though there were times i felt like i was wasting my time writing crap, i dont regret anything about it in the least. sappy as this is going to sound, it made me feel like a writer.

sure, this novel may not amount to anything. it might very well end up completely unedited in my recycle bin. that'll be decided later. but that's not the point. the point is that it was written. i wrote a book from beginning to end. the good parts and the bad, the fun parts and the boring. it's all there on paper, not part on paper and part in my head. it has given me that boost of encouragement that i needed to finish the rest of my half-finished stories. the knowledge that i can do this. i did it once, and i could do it again. easily.

i wrote this in chapters. i have never done that before. writing it in chapters made it, to me, feel more real than if i hadnt. the chapters may be short and some of them may be illogically cut off, but they are still there. i can say, i'm writing chapter nineteen of my novel.

that's another thing, calling it a novel. i have never ever done that before and it gives me a thrill whenever i say "my novel." everything was always a "story" because i knew deep inside it would never amount to anything. it would be unconnected scenes haphazardly put together into a story line. but this, this is a novel. and after the month finishes and i get it bound for free, it will be a book. i will have a book on my shelf written by me.

i will have created the characters, the plot, the everything all by myself. me. i did it. and they will be bound together in a tangible format for forever.

i really dont think anyone can understand how amazing that is to me. words can't do it justice.

my entire life, i have wanted to be an author. i was writing stories for as long as i can remember. even when it was pushed behind so many other things, the want to be a real writer lurked in the recesses of my mind. just the thought of finishing this and seeing it printed gives me a heady feeling.

okay, enough with all the sappiness. i have decided to let a few people read it when it's finished before i read it myself so that i can know whether to waste time editing it or not. it's going to be at least 50,000 words so i know it's a little long, but i would love you forever if you gave me some feedback. like real feedback. what you liked, what you hated, what made you want to stab me for making you read because it was so pointless and boring a little part of you died. you know, that kind of stuff. you could take as long as you want and you dont even have to read the whole thing, even a chapter would help, and i would be forever in your debt. if you would like to be one of these people, let me know either through the comments or email me at shai6anah (at) gmail (dot) com.

*Try It On My Own - Whitney Houston

Sunday, November 15, 2009

it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes it worse to live without it, but let's talk about it

so i was sitting on my bed, typing out my novel furiously on joe, determined to get to thirty five thousand words before the weekend ends.

my sister comes up from doing the laundry (yeah, i was surprised too. i've been doing our laundry for as long as i can remember). anyway, conversation turned to the beach boys (it was very logical i swear) and so obviously i open itunes and start playing them.

i love the beach boys, but at the same time listening to them makes me inexplicably sad. they remind me of california days. of life before everything got all complicated. of unadulterated happiness. of flintstones at great america (surfer girl) and car rides with the grandparents equipped with enough blankets and pillows to bed a small country (catch a wave). they remind me of softball games and saturday morning breakfasts at the cardinal. they remind me of playing doctor to trees and failure lemonade stands. they remind of the santa cruz boardwalk and fisherman's wharf. seals and clam chowder. days at the capitol reef pool. neighbor's who would sit on top of their tree house and call, "ahoy there neighbors!" christmas in the park. the learning company, terrell, allen, brook knoll. dance parties in our living room. figure skating and miss america. black licorice.

when california girls would play, my grandma would never fail to tell us, "that's you girls."

then one song came on, and i swear i almost cried. like my eyes welled up and my throat tightened and everything. i'm not a cryer. anyway, this song (do you wanna dance?) is and always will be the song i associate with my grandpa the most. when the song came on with him, he would tell us, "if anyone ever tells that to you, let me know and i'll beat them up." i miss him.

now i'm sad.

Update: okay, so i'm no longer sad because music is off and i have made my word count goal for the weekend plus a little extra. and my novel officially has a title (sincerely, mr. nobody) and a genre (literary fiction) and a fake synopsis. and by fake i mean it makes the story sound worse than it really is and needs to be changed when i finish writing the story.

*Wouldn't it be Nice - The Beach Boys

Saturday, November 14, 2009

this love, this hate is burning me away

i hate migraines.

i love hot chocolate.

i hate cleaning.

i love not having to compete for bed space with books/papers/crap.

i hate not being able to write.

i love getting pep talk emails from real authors i have always admired.

i hate the monotony of school.

i love learning.

i hate my rubik's cube for making me feel stupid.

i love my book collection.

i hate making decisions.

i love my iPod.

i hate clinginess.

i love sarcasm.

i hate faulty memory.

i love looking through old pictures and movies.

i hate bad grammar.

i love the smell of horse stables.

i hate the pointlessness of this post.

i love its simplicity.

what do you hate and love?

*This Love, This Hate - Hollywood Undead

Thursday, November 12, 2009

love that could've been, if i'd only thought of something charming to say

nanowrimo has this procrastination station where they put random stuff for you to procrastinate writing with - 2 a day. these can be forum topics or outside links. anyways, this morning they had a link to the forum topic of weird words. i'm not going to get into all of them, but i thought i'd mention one.

esprit d'escalier: thinking of a witty remark too late; hindsight wit or afterwit

i hate when this happens... absolutely abhor it. and it seems to happen so so much. if i had a time machine, i would use it to rewind the few minutes that pass before that amazingly witty thing pops into my head. the thing that is so perfectly funny and clever that people will remember it forever. it will be immortalized in books and written on gravestones. it will be tattooed on bodies and quoted in everyday conversation by anyone who's anyone.

just in case this post makes me seem like im really dimwitted, i promise you i'm not. i can think up witty things on the spot, too.

i dunno if you have heard this song before or not, but i love it. when i read this word, it popped into my head. after listening to it, i realize the lyrics don't exactly fit, but whatever, it's still awesome:

*The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie

go ahead as you waste your days with thinking

so i have had writer's block over the past few days... both in my novel and my blog, which explains the stagnant state of both. my word count has risen less than a thousand words in three days. remember sunday when i wrote seven thousand words in one day? no? well, you'll have to take my word for it then. and remember back when my blog used to contain posts more interesting than an exaggerated hate for picture days? actually, that time may not have ever existed, but let's just pretend.

this is a weird type of writer's block, though. i have tons of ideas. that's not the problem at all. and i have words that go with those ideas, so i'm good on that front. and though i have had less time than usual to write, there are times when i sit refreshing my email repeatedly hoping for someone to contact me. so where's the writer's block, you're probably wondering. well, those ideas and words and everything are so comfortable in my head, that they refuse to take the trip down to my fingers where they can then be put on screen or paper. i sit there with my keyboard silent and my pen unmoving and plead with my brain to not be such a selfish bum.

but it doesnt listen.

so my character is sitting on her bed rereading the first sentance from the latest letter she recieved while the ideas for what comes next are having a party in my head, laughing at poor audrey and the pause in her story that she is unable to overcome.

the blog post ideas go unwritten until it is so after the fact that they will never be written. sad, i know.

but by four thirty today i'll be finished with classes for the week, so i'm thinking of forcing my thoughts out onto paper. i'm assembling a team of highly-trained, armed soldiers to do the marching.

on a different note, i had lunch yesterday with an elementary/middle/high school/college friend that i havent seen in forever - like since march or april. and that made my week.

*Move Along - The All-American Rejects

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

tonight i'll sit and pick apart your pictures

today is picture day, or "senior portrait taking day" as my email prefers to call it. but it's still a picture day.

i have always hated picture days. always. though most people didnt know. i think it might come from the fact that i'm incredibly unphotogenic when it comes to picture days. my face seems to morph into some strange other person the night before a picture day. i'm not saying i'm incredibly photogenic the rest of the year, but it's better than picture days. (i realize i overused the word picture day. i just woke up. which also explains why the title doesnt quite fit. leave me alone.)

but the photogenicness is not the only thing that makes me hate them. i really can't explain why the thought of picture day brings up thoughts of shoving bamboo splinters under my nails and stabbing myself with a rusty knife, but it does.

most people i know, if not all, love them, for whatever crazy reason. i think one of my favorite things about leaving grade school is the escape from yearly pictures.

so why am i putting myself through this torture, you may ask? my mom is making me. :/

and i feel sick today. i dont know if its my body's defense against this evil day or if i'm really sick. and i cant skip class because i skipped last week's quiz so this one's counting as double. double zeros is not a very good way to try and up my current quiz score.

on a happy note, i'm almost to the halfway mark of my novel.

*All Hail the Heartbreaker - The Spill Canvas

Saturday, November 7, 2009

you exist behind your keyboard, then you're gone in a flash

i have been told, on various occasions, that i am better when not in person. okay, so maybe not in those exact words, but just about. for example, i have been told that i am a "better friend online," i'm "funnier in email," and i'm apparently "easier to keep in touch with when [she] doesn't have to worry about seeing me."

when i was first told this, i thought it was funny. the second time, still funny, but a little weird that more than one person felt that way. i think it's around four or five different people now that have told me something along those lines. if that many people agree without even talking to each other about it, then i figure, it must be true.

it takes a great deal of effort for me to actually get together with people, and not just because i'm a huge loner. my parents (read:dad) are pretty strict (yes, i realize that i'm over twenty. no, that doesn't make any difference in my house. thanks for rubbing it in.) so we've (my sisters and i) developed a system of going out and seeing people during hours of the day that are supposedly dedicated to our education. within those time frames, i then have to find a time that works for both people (me and whoever is worth my time to meet). this is harder than it seems. so when someone tells me that they "prefer to email me instead of hanging out" it kind of works. yes, it can be interpreted a bit insultingly but none of them have meant it insultingly so i don't take it as such.

in fact, i have chosen to take it as a compliment to my excellent emailing skills (yes, i'm reaching. no, i don't care). don't you hate it when you get an email from someone that is long but says nothing? at least nothing you can understand because it is filled with typos and grammar mistakes and sentences that break off out of nowhere and wouldnt make sense even if they were completed? apparently, mine arent like those. they may be long and rambling at times (or always... whatever), but apparently people like them. they like them so much, in fact, that they would willingly go without seeing me just to get them.

see how i can spin anything the way i want it??

anyways, you'd think after reading this that i'd be this great online contact person, right? well, no. i hardly ever go on any messengers, rarely communicate through facebook, and never ever go on any of the other social networking sites. i really only do email.

*The Dutch Courage - The Spill Canvas

Friday, November 6, 2009

now you've got yourself to blame

i open my school email this morning and am greeted by this gem of an email:


We are sending you this notice because you may have recently received a
malicious email that appeared to have come from:
In addition the email would have requested that you provide your GMU
email password in order to keep your account open.

Be aware this is a malicious phishing attack. Please do not respond. If
you have responded please contact the ITU Support Center at 703-993-8870
or via email at

No legitimate business or organization will ever ask you to provide your
user name and password via email.

so of course i go look into my trash to see if i had gotten and deleted the message since i dont remember reading it. and i did! here's what it said:


We would like to inform you that we are currently carrying out
scheduled maintenance and upgrade of our mail service
and as a result of this our client has been changed and your
original password will reset. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.

To maintain your account, you must reply to this email,
immediately and enter your current password here (..........)Failure to
do this within 48 hours will immediately render your
account deactivated from our database. Thank you for using the account!

� ACCOUNT ACCOUNT ABN 31 088 377 860 All Rights
Reserved.E-Mail Account Maintenance

from the first line it's way beyond obvious that it's a fake. dear really?? and people fell for that?? good phishers always insert the person's name.

so i'm sorry but anyone who fell for this and sent in their password doesnt deserve to have an email. it should be taken away from them immediately because their idiocy levels are too high for them to function normally. they are a menace to the cyber society. in fact, they should be kicked out of the university. because, really, if you're in college right now (it doesnt matter what major) you should know better.


okay mason needs to up their email filters or something. two phishing emails in three days is ridiculous. i got this one today, which is just as bad as the other one. i mean it asks for your date of birth and country/territory. why the hell would that be needed to update a an email?? and watch people fall for this.

Update Your GMU.EDU Email Now.

Dear GMU.EDU Email Owner,This message is from OSU.EDU messaging center to all OSU.EDU Email owners. We are currently upgrading our data base and e-mail

center. We are deleting all unused OSU.EDU email to create more space for new one.To prevent your account from closing you will have to update it below so

that we will know that it's a present used account.

However OSU.EDU has been receiving complaints from our customers for unauthorised use of the GMU.EDU Email. As a result we are making an extra
security check on all of our Customers mailbox in order to protect their information from theft and fraud.

Warning!!! Email owner that refuses to update his or her Email,within two days of receiving this warning will lose his
or her Email permanently.

Contact the GMU Upgrading

Requested Information

OSU Internet username : ...............
Password : ................
Date of Birth : ................
Country or Territory : ..........

Thanks for your co-operation.

Copyright @2009 GMU.EDU . All rights reserved.

Lesson learned: people are stupid, and if any email ever asks for your password for anything then it's a phishing email. real organizations will never do that.

*Fall For Anything - The Script

Thursday, November 5, 2009

i’m just sitting here, i ain’t saying much

so i'm sitting here, in the school library at the campus in the middle of nowhere, and i really should be working on the website i stupidly said i'd have done by the end of this/next week at the latest. instead, i'm thinking of my "novel" back on joe at home and how i really should be upping my word count (have you noticed that the word count has remained unchanged from yesterday morning? no? maybe you should spend less time on your life then and more staring at my blog to change) since words are supposedly easy to come by in the first week and become a major struggle later on. i couldn't write last night because of unseen circumstances that included searching through two years worth of daily high and low temperatures and answering random questions. harder than it sounds. but i cant do that, either, so i'll just sit here and write a blog.

there's nothing much to write about, but when has that ever stopped me before? actually there is a post i want to write, but i want to put a little more thought into it than what my brain is giving me right now. so instead, you can read about how i finally solved the mystery of how to please my psychotic professor and get my group to work and not do anything else majorly life-consuming on this project. readyy for it? we are making a separate database thing along with the website which optimizes the user's ability to search for a house using information imported from the mls which we are instead going to fill with dummy data since you have to pay for mls data. two group members have been assigned by me the job of making the database (one the back-end and one the front-end) because i claimed to have practically no memory of databases at all. i said i'd finish up the website by myself and made it sound dramatic as if i wasnt already doing it by myself, too. so professor is happy because she loved the database idea, i'm happy because i dont have to anything, and group members should be happy because they will no longer recieve comments saying they did nothing. it has changed from a lose-lose situation to a win-win-win. amazing, right??

oh, and i got offered a substitute teaching position at my old high school which i had to turn down because i still have classes. but they told me to call back in december and they'll most likely have an IT or computer teacher sub job for me.

so that was my day. pretty good, if i may say so myself. the only bad thing is i wont be home till nine so that nanowrimo word count will stay at 11,131 words until tonight at the earliest. how was yours?

*Sittin' Here - Dizzee Rascal

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

and i don't trust you

we are constantly being told that we are our own biggest critic (or at least i am). sure, you may think it is cringe-worthily awful, but that's just because it is you. you want to make it the best, the way it looks/sounds/feels in your head. there is always room for improvement in your own eyes.

but then other people come along and say that it's good. say that you're crazy for wanting to change anything.

i never believe these people. not at all. friends and family i feel are obligated to say nice things, even if they swear they aren't. i dont believe acquaintances either because they have so much more reason to lie. they dont know me well enough to say the truth, they're just trying to not offend me, i think.

the only person i would trust is someone completely unrelated to me. i dont know them, or someone who knows them, or someone who knows someone who knows them. you get the picture. completely distant.

actually, no, i dont think i'd trust them either. i have no idea what kind of taste they might have. they might think twilight is well-written (and though entertaining it most certainly is not what i want my stuff compared to).

so then, if i cant trust my own judgement, and i cant trust anyone else's judgement, how can i judge my stuff??

as you may be able to tell, i'm bored and procrastinating. i tried working on my nanowrimo novel and have realized that it is unsavable crap. and i havent even gotten to the "good parts" yet which will surely kill me with their inability to be good. i refuse to give up on it though and will finish it to its craptastic ending after which i will probably delete it.

*sigh* didnt they say these realizations would come in the second week? i guess i'm ahead in something at least.

*Through with You - Maroon 5

it's pointless trying to try. it's a lose lose situation

you know what's annoying?

we have a project management review to present this week in my senior design class. (no, i havent done any more work on the project. don't remind me :/) i think she realized that in all the groups (minus the stupid mason team that wasnt part of our class last semester) there is only one person working while the rest of the team sits around and looks pretty (they fail miserably at that, too).

at the end of this presentation, she wants everyone to report on what they have done for the project and what they will do for it. that means that every group will either have to stand up there and have one person say, "i did everything" or lie. both ways suck.

on the one hand, the entire team will get in trouble - the slackers for slacking and the team captain for not delegating. it's really hard though to delegate when there's no one to delegate to. when i tell someone to do something and they dont and i have to get down and present it in class, of course i'm going to end up doing it. and "make them work" is about the stupidest advice in the world and what most people say. it's kind of hard to make a college student with four other classes and a job work on what you want him to do. especially when theyre all at least three years older than you and start to play the older people have more responsibilities card.

if you lie, though, you may not get in trouble, but the slackers will get to take credit for the stuff you did. all your hard work (though it may not look like much) will get written off to the people who sat back and did nothing.

either way you go, you lose.

and the fact that there is a team with gantt charts and schedules and meetings where everyone knows their part and does it and helps the other people on his team with their parts, makes me angry. first of all, they make the rest of us look bad. second, it's just rubbing it in our faces the crappy hand we were dealt with our teams.

you know what makes it even better? my group and i agreed on meeting today and none of them can make it. do you think you couldve remembered that you have work and class before you said that 12 on tuesday would be fine? sheesh.

*Lose Lose Situation - Brian McFadden

Monday, November 2, 2009

keep your drink, just gimme the money

today we (my older sister and i... i feel like i confuse people with my sisters and a lot of people assume i only have one cause i always say 'my sister and i' when i talk about both of them. anyways...) went to see a movie. this weekend has been movie weekend apparently as i've been to the movies four times in five days. so tonight we went to see an education. we always go to the movies and then decide what to watch when we see whats playing. so we got there super early.

anyways, we sit at a table and read the paper (the onion, not a real one). my sister starts complaining that some old guy is staring at her. i shrug it off. i mean, 7ijabis in public tend to draw attention from the older generation. she keeps repeating that he's staring at her and i keep ignoring her. he did get a little creepy when he invited two girls to sit with him, bribing them with beer and pizza. i'm happy to say they declined his offer. then he goes and buys something from the concession stand after staring at the menu forever. he buys a drink and stands next to the napkin/fork/whatever stand for a while. my sister is creeped out and keeps asking if he left yet. i say no.

then he goes back to the cashier guy and it looks like he's either returning his drink or ordering something else. but he goes back to his seat with only his drink, so i figure he did neither. after a little bit, my sister says, "thank god. he's getting on his jacket. i think he's leaving." a second later the cute kid who sold us our tickets comes over to us with two strawberry smoothies.

kid: um... somebody bought these for you and told me to give them to you.
my sister (who looks terrified): can we refuse them? we don't want them.
me: that old guy was creeping us out.
kid: did he say anything to you?
sister: no, but he kept staring and was just just really creepy.
kid: *starts to step back with the drinks* yeah, okay. i thought it was weird.
creepy guy (shouts out):it's okay, i bought them.
really? and here we thought it was the other creepy guy that had. well if it was you then of course we'll take them.
kid (shouts back with attitude): they don't want them. (i liked him.)

who does that?? i mean, unless you're at a bar or something. buying random muslim girls drinks from a movie theater concession stand when you are at least twice their age and having a cute kid deliver them to where they are sitting is just creepy. very creepy.

my sister was freaked out. i thought it was pretty hilarious. i may have sucked out a lot of the hilarity in the telling, though. my brain is tired and not in the mood to narrate.

*You and Your Hand - Pink

Sunday, November 1, 2009

we're here! we're here! doesn't anybody want to give a cheer?

have you looked at a calendar lately?? if not, let me be the first to share the good news. it's FINALLY november! yes, no more talking about plans for nanowrimo. no more worrying if i'll have time to write. no more complaining that i have nothing to write about. because... nanowrimo is upon us. thirty days and thirty nights of literary abandon starts now. actually... it started eight hours and forty minutes ago for us on the eastern coast of the US.

and let me tell you, the wait for midnight yesterday was awful. it didnt matter that i had no idea what to write about. the fact that i couldnt write until midnight made me need to write. and there were still hours and hours to go. so what did i do to waste time? i took a shower. i did a crossword puzzle. i watched moulin rouge! and checked my mail obsessively. i even signed in to msn messenger (those you who know me will realize what a big thing that is) but no one was on to entertain me. i went downstairs and almost had a heart attack because i thought time was moving backwards (turns out my parents just moved the clocks back a couple hours early so they wouldnt forget).

and then, finally, it came. it was november and i could start. and i opened up a fresh page in open office and just took the plunge. i have no idea what i'm writing. it's not really what i was vaguely expecting to, but we'll just see where this goes. let me tell you, i'm already having trouble with the whole 'dont edit' concept. my back space button is still being used too much. my inner editor has not yet been successfully bound and gagged for the month, but i'm working on that.

anyways, you see that little bar up in the left hand corner? the one that says nanowrimo word count? well, that is my... nanowrimo word count. werent expecting that, were you?? that is so you can all see how i'm faring throughout the month. my goal is to write two thousand words a day. which would mean i would finish in twenty five days because i have a feeling i'll miss a day or two. that means i have fourteen hundred words left for today. eek.

*I'm Mad - The Animaniacs