you take this bat and bash my head into the street again

top five reasons i think my professor is on crack:

1) we have our big projects to work on. projects that take up lots of time and are really important. so of course it makes sense for you to give us weekly assignments of stuff that we did last semester, like calling cards and resumes. and then, on top of that, give us other presentations and research projects too. and because thats obviously not enough, please let us plan out your marketing strategy for your book. there is nothing i would love more. except of course random pop quizzes on random facts that pop up in bloomberg, the wall street journal, the economist, barons, the washington post, the new york times, and bbc. oh, and those self-help books from amazon that you keep sending me links to telling me to read the first chapter and then buy them?? i ran straight out and bought each and every one of them. i look forward to reading them in all the free time i have. unless of course i'm working out which is another one of your weekly assignments for us.

2) no, cyborgs will not be walking the earth in your lifetime - and not just because your lifetime is looking pretty short if you dont calm the hell down with the crap you give us to do. it will not happen so stop telling me it will with that stupid smug look on your face like you are all-knowing and sharing some of your knowledge with us little people. and that alien abduction?? yeah, that didnt happen either.

3) we will also not be making designer babies in the next ten years. i watched gattaca too. but it was just a movie. as in, not real. as in, you will not be able to help choose out your grandkid's personality traits from a catalog. the fact that you think you will scares me.

4) "fine" is a perfectly normal reply to the question "how are you all doing?" it does not warrant a freaking attack of the giggles. and when we elaborate (after you ask us to) with "we're working on our projects," that does not give you any reason to break into a full fit of laughter. it is not funny... unless you are a) drunk or b) high. you should not need to collapse into a chair and gasp for breath after that very common answer. i dont care if it does "fill your heart with joy to hear it."

5) maybe in your world where everything is sunshine and butterflies, a college graduate can demand over 70k from their first job, but this is the real world, and that does not happen. we also cannot demand to work four-hour work weeks. working from home from the start is also not an option. i do not appreciate the looks of sadness that come over you when i tell you this. you cannot force me to "not sell myself short" nor can you convert me to whatever crap you believe in. maybe i want to be "a slave to my career." frankly, it's none of your business.

*Overweight - Blue October