this anxiety i keep through another f*cking day. my life's so pitiful.

you know the worst part about this semester?? people are starting to pity me. i'm being pitied. and i hatehatehate it. i abhor pity. even the sound of the word makes me angry. pity... yuck. i can handle the stress, ive resigned myself to failing, i can deal with the fact that we've been thrown into a project with absolutely no background skills and no time to learn any (stupid mason for cancelling the security senior design section last semester). i can live with all that. what i cannot live with is people feeling sorry for me. talking about me to other people in hushed tones so i dont hear them (the fact that im not deaf seems to have slipped their notice) as they discuss "my fall." yes, apparently i fell from power i was not aware of having this semester. huh. if appearing like i am not completely on top of everything school related for once warrants your pity, then from now on i will (at least on the outside) be as unstressed and ready for anything as ever. you will not, for the duration of the semester, hear one word of stress or overwhelmingness or bewilderment or anything pass my lips. i will not speak of it out loud. i will not write about it in my blog. i will not let it show on my face. it will stay hidden under the layers of nonchalance i am actually pretty good at conjuring. nervous breakdowns will be confined to my dreams.

i would rather be stabbed to death by a dull pencil than be pitied. it's that bad.

*Pitiful - Sick Puppies