these are just a couple of my cravings

there are fourteen days until my estimated due date. that's exactly two weeks. i have gone between nervous and excited so many times that i am now stuck in some sort of weird dazed limbo. baby clothes and sheets and everything else are washed. take home outfits from the hospital are chosen and packed. bassinet will be set up today and car seat is being installed on sunday. the list of last minute items to get on saturday is shorter than i thought possible, and really only has one item on it that will be used before four months. i filled my car with gas on wednesday even though i still had almost a quarter of a tank left. (i never fill up my car unless i am at E or the line right above it.)

with my pregnancy drawing to a close, i thought i'd preserve on my blog the answer to the question i have been asked the most over the past nine months: have you had any weird cravings? and i get it. i mean, just watch any tv show or movie that features a pregnant lady and you'll start to think that all we want to eat is pistachio ice cream with pickles. but unfortunately - or fortunately i guess - the answer is no.

here is what i did crave this pregnancy:

• wegman's chocolate cake. it is pretty much the best chocolate cake you will ever eat and being pregnant was the perfect excuse to have my husband go out and get me a slice way more often than i probably should have.
  
• ice cream sandwiches. and none of that fancy tollhouse cookie stuff. the original cheap ones that people say are gross because they never melt or something. though why you would let it sit around long enough to see if it would melt is beyond me.
  
• ruffles chips. this was perhaps one of my most tv cliche pregnant moments. i wanted ruffles really, really badly. i was going to die if i didn't get some right now. i didn't even care what flavor they were. my husband went to the store and came home with four huge family size bags of chips and... none of them were ruffles. i cried and threw a hormonal fit.
  
• chicken caesar salad. i ate this for lunch/dinner at least four or five times a week for months. i kind of want one right now.
  
• black beans, microwave some in a bowl with pepperjack cheese OR throw some on your salad and you basically have the most delicious meal i could think of. when i wasn't eating chicken caesar salads i was eating this. one time i thought i'd be fancy and throw some corn in with my beans and cheese, and it was probably the worst decision i have ever made. well, tied with that time that i thought it would be a good idea to put both blueberries and raisins in my morning oatmeal. blech.
  
• hot fudge sundaes. this one makes me want to cry a little. i've wanted a real hot fudge sundae since the summer. i have gotten a bunch of sundaes over this time (three in the past two weeks) but they are all either hot fudge with soft serve ice cream or real ice cream with caramel. because apparently the ice cream shops around me have all decided that they don't believe in hot fudge anymore. i think it's a conspiracy of sorts.  
  
• zucchini.  there was one time that my husband was picking up burgers from ruby tuesday and i told him to get me zucchini with my burger instead of fries. he looked at me weird and asked if i wouldn't rather get a side of zucchini and my fries instead. i am a huge fry person (really any type of potato) and so i got his confusion, but no, i just wanted the zucchini. he was so sure i was going to regret my decision when he came home with the food, but that zucchini was delicious and choosing it over fries was maybe the best food-related decision i made this year. i am having zucchini for lunch today and am already excited for it. (of course, i'm not crazy and have gone out to get just fries on more than one occasion.) kind of on the same note, i've always been kind of whatever about green beans, but one night my dad made them with a roast and i realized that green beans were probably one of the best vegetables to grace the earth. i immediately went out and bought my own. my love affair with them has since fizzled, but i do appreciate them more than i ever did before.
  
• root beer floats. i don't think this needs explaining. last week the two liter bottle of root beer that i finally caved and got finished and now the vanilla ice cream in my freezer and i are both really sad.
  
• cheese enchiladas. but really, who doesn't want a cheese enchilada for every single meal? even not pregnant i could have gone for that. i love my mexican food.
  
• strawberry milk. this one was weird because if it is not in my granola i really don't do milk. i will occasionally go for a chocolate milk but i have this weird obsession about milk going bad so i have to mix it really fast and practically drink it with my head in the fridge. i think that before this pregnancy, the last time i had strawberry milk i was probably six. for the past couple of weeks i've been really into chocolate milk.
  
• there was the day that i really wanted chipotle (and ended up getting it for dinner). i'm not sure if it should make the list because it was really only that one time, but i'm putting it on here because it was like a physical need how badly i wanted it. kinda like the ruffles. 

so there you have it: the things i craved the most this pregnancy. nothing really weird. and a lot of them are things that i love all the time (ice cream, root beer, cheese enchilladas, caesar salads) but that moved from just "favorites" to "i need to stuff my face with this right now or something really bad might happen." i've been wanting pickles a lot, too, but i don't think i've wanted them any more than i usually do, so... 

*Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk - Rufus Wainwright

i want it now

this will be a whiny rant.

i have been dreaming of girl scout cookies lately. because it is girl scout cookie season, and i should be able to get some. but i can't. because girl scouts are nowhere to be found. seriously, it's like they have all gone into hiding or something. i suspect my doctor is behind this. i want thin mints and samoas and tagalongs and trefoils. and i want them really, really badly.

i get that selling cookies is supposed to teach the girl scouts a bunch of things, and if the company just sold them online no one would learn anything. or something. but, really, most girl scouts aren't actually selling the cookies these days. their parents are. they are using facebook and pinning up order sheets in office break rooms. and because the cookies are crack, people buy hundreds of them. and the scouts get to take the forms back to their troop leaders and get whatever prize they were working towards. so they should just let people order online is what i'm saying.

the booths won't start popping up until the end of february. the first one in my area will be at four o'clock on february twentieth. yes, i checked. that's like, a month away. and i'll be at the very end of my pregnancy and who knows if i'll want to venture out to get the cookies then. i want them now. and i know that even if i order from a girl scout now i won't get them until end of february (because the world is cruel) but at least i'll know they're coming.

sigh. first world problems.

*I Want It All - Queen

i can't live without you tell me what am i supposed to do about it

this is a story of betrayal.

last week i went in for my routine glucose test to check if i had gestational diabetes. i had read so much about "the awful-disgusting-horrible-too-sweet-drink" that they give you an hour before drawing blood that i was bracing myself for the worst.

of course, i have always been an avid believer that there is no such thing as too sweet, that saying that something had too much sugar was like saying something was made by a unicorn-leprechaun hybrid - that is to say, ridiculous. i was the person that could eat an entire bag of candy corn (not something i am overly proud of) and still reach my hand in when it was finished looking for more, while people around me had made silly claims of sugar rushes and headaches and buzzing something or other caused by too much sugar less than halfway into the bag. i had a sweet tooth before i had milk teeth, and most of the things i hid from my parents during my childhood were directly related to stuffing sugar into my mouth. if my house was on fire, there are many things that i would let burn to save the candy. despite my general fear of commitment, i have remained committed and loyal to sugar my entire life. i thought that meant something.

so when i drank the orange drink they gave me, i was partly pleasantly surprised and partly not surprised at all that i didn't hate it. that, in fact, i thought it was pretty good. it tasted just like flat orange soda, something i have had many, many times in my life. i rolled my eyes at the drama queens that came before me, waited out my hour, let them pull out two vials of blood, and then went home. i figured that was that.

but it wasn't. the next morning i got a call from my doctor saying that i had failed the one-hour test and needed to go back in to take the three-hour test. (the cut-off was 135 and i was at 136, which is the worst kind of failing. like getting an 89 at school.) i would need to fast for this one, but they thought i should pass it easy. so the following day (friday) i went in to the lab, slightly nauseous from not eating, with a book and a readiness to pass. they took the first blood test to get my sugar levels fasting, and then gave me another drink. red, this time. it had double the amount of sugar as the orange drink, they told me, so i gulped it down. it tasted fine, even if it did drink more like maple syrup than fruit punch. and then i was told that i was not allowed to leave the waiting room for the next three hours, and i settled down with my book to wait.

about forty minutes into my wait, the blood-drawing lady (what are they called again?) came out to check on me "because that was a lot of sugar i just drank on an empty stomach." i assured her that i had a ridiculously high tolerance for sugar and that i was fine. she gave a look and told me to come get her when i wasn't feeling well. i just shook my head and went back to reading. for ten minutes. until out of nowhere i broke into a cold sweat, was suddenly tremendously nauseous and super dizzy and light-headed, and was hit with the dreaded knowledge that i was either going to faint or throw up all over the waiting room because there was no one at the front desk and i had no idea where the bathrooms were. there was one other guy there that kept giving me worried looks, but moved a few more seats away from me instead of asking if i was okay. thankfully, i did neither, and ended up being taken to lie down in a back room. a few minutes after that, they came to take the second blood test. and after sitting up for less than two minutes while they drew another vial of blood (side note: i do not understand why they had to draw vials of blood for this test. if you were just checking my sugar levels couldn't we have just finger pricked at the end of every hour?) my vision started to fade to black, and i was quickly told to lay down before i passed out and just wait for it to get through my system.

"i don't understand," i said. "i'm never like this."
"it's the sugar. that was a lot of sugar to drink on an empty stomach. it's normal," she said again.
and i was too dizzy to argue that it wasn't normal, not for me.

it took an hour of feeling like complete crap before it "got through my system." an hour when i thought multiple times that maybe going alone to this was stupid, and i should probably call someone to drive me home afterwards. an hour with no one to talk to and nothing to do but dwell on the fact that, after twenty-six years of love and loyalty, sugar had betrayed me. there was no way around it.

by the time i got the third blood test, i was starting to feel better. after that, i was able to pull out my book and read for the last hour. when they came in for the fourth and final blood test, i was back to normal, just starving and left haunted by the knowledge that there is such a thing as too much sugar and it is nowhere near as cool as a unicorn-leprechaun hybrid that bakes.

(alternate ending: i was looking forward to sitting in my car and eating the peanut butter crackers i had brought with me, but when i walked into the parking lot there was a lady freaking out because her car wouldn't start, and she had a one year old asleep in her car seat and a mother on crutches who didn't speak any english with her, and she couldn't reach anyone to come help her. i always have jumper cables in my car, but she had a weird car so we had to get two other people to come help us jump it. and it was a huge ordeal and i ended up leaving the parking lot over half an hour later still hungry.)

*Disease - Matchbox 20

[one] i went six months without a single unsolicited stomach touch, and it was great. this morning i went to my old high school to cheer on my brothers, and it was like stepping into the land of unwanted hands on my stomach. i do not get it. first of all, pregnant people deserve personal space, too. it's bad enough we have someone coming in and taking over on the inside, it would be great if people on the outside could respect boundaries. and second of all, what do you think you are touching exactly? yes, there is a baby in there, but it's under a whole lotta layers. aside from the usual clothes and skin and muscles and everything else, i also have an anterior placenta (not sure if this is considered tmi so um sorry?), so really, there is absolutely no point in you rubbing your hand on me. it gets even worse when your sister shows up and asks all of your old teachers that hadn't already felt that they were somehow allowed to just touch my stomach (which isn't even that big yet!) in the middle of a conversation that had nothing to do with babies or pregnancy at all, "do you want to touch her stomach?" and then i can't say, "please don't" because i am me and these are my old teachers and ugh. i feel like one of those statues that people rub shiny because they think it's good luck.

[two] i'm sitting at mason, and it's pretty empty because it's still a little early and finals are coming up (already here?) and so it's really hard to not hear everything people on this floor are saying. anyway, one guy says that he didn't like any of the harry potter movies except for the second one and i almost had to say something because, what? the second movie is probably the worst of all the movies. how is it not only your favorite, but the only one you liked? i mean, goodness. i still don't understand this.

[three] i am supposed to be working on dissertation stuff. i am not working on dissertation stuff. i cannot work on dissertation stuff. it is impossible. i do not think i can school anymore. my brain refuses to function. i will gladly sit and research things that have nothing to do with my dissertation, but that i find fascinating, but i just shut down when it comes to my actual work. ugh.

[four] my husband, siblings, mom, and i went to a craft show yesterday at the place where we do pottery, and i bought this jam (because i have a really hard time resisting homemade jams for some reason. they just really appeal to me.), and i suddenly really want to eat it right now. and i do not have it with me. lesson learned: always carry a jar of jam in my bag. also, there were a bunch of things that i either make/ could make being sold for anywhere between fifteen and sixty dollars, and whenever i go to these kinds of things i think, i could totally sell my stuff. and now i am in the mood to open an etsy store again. 

i finally found what i've been looking for

[one] i'm at that point in pregnancy where it's close enough for the excitement to start surging and yet far enough away that the fears can't really gain much footing. it's a good place to be, but it means that most of the conversations i have with people are ingeniously turned into baby talks. i really have very little else on my brain. this is basically my thought process while i am having a conversation these days: yes, yes, something about work... oooh you know what would be good right now? a cheeseburger... with fries and a chocolate milkshake... mmm... actually no no no cheese enchiladas! yes!... hmm maybe we could stop by rio grande on our way home from dinner to pick up some cheese enchiladas... oh wait someone is talking to you, you idiot... what are they saying?... uhhh... something about work i think... wait, did they finish with work? are they even still talking? you know what is also work? babies... bring up the baby and let's talk about him instead. (exaggeration of course.)

[two] anyway, in case i come back to read this years from now, let me remind my future self of the human-shaped idiocy that is me every morning (and three times a night) that comes along with this excitement and fatty selfishness. i am the kind of person that pulls myself up into a sitting position using my stomach muscles (pretty much the only thing they can do) instead of pushing  myself up from laying down with my arms. which is fine when you don't have a kid hanging out inside of you and messing around with your muscles and organs for fun. but when you do, it leads to body protests, usually in the form of a really bad cramp. like, a really bad one. when i try to pull myself into a sitting position to get out of bed. every. single. morning.

you would think i'd learn, but you're better off thinking of cheese enchiladas to be honest. yum. but seriously every morning, when my bladder finally wins out over my reluctance to get out bed, starts like this:

1. okay fine, i'll get out of bed.
2. ouchhh. ow ow ow ow ow. 
3. *collapses back onto bed and clutches stomach.* 
4. god, you're pregnant, you idiot. how did you forget that again?
5. *pushes myself up with arms and gets out of bed*

[three] do you remember years ago when  i was obsessed with candy cane oreos? well, every winter since then i have looked for them and found nothing. there are winter oreos that have red frosting that i am always tempted to buy in case they are mint, but they existed with the candy cane oreos and why would you have two mint oreos out at the same time? i don't want to buy them and be disappointed with a family pack of normal oreos with red frosting. but no candy canes. until now. sort of. i found a box of mini candy cane oreos in walmart, and despite the fact that them being mini makes me irrationally angry, they are still delicious and amazing and one of the greatest thing to happen to me this week. (and this was a pretty awesome week to be clear.) (full disclaimer: for some reason, i only remember to look for oreos at walmart. probably because they have an entire aisle dedicated pretty much entirely to oreos of different flavors. so for all i know, grocery stores have continued to sell the candy cane oreos for the past three years and i have just been missing out.)

*What I've Been Looking For - High School Musical

time for me to do it

this morning was so productive, you guys. so. productive. and now, when i still have a few things left to do, i just... stopped. my motivation and productivity and whatever else just came crashing down around me and i just spent the last almost hour trying to find a new chrome extension for tumblr because xkit stopped working and i'm not handling it very well. an hour that i was supposed to spend grading the papers that i didn't grade on tuesday so that i could grade them wednesday and then didn't grade on wednesday because i am the laziest, most procrastination-inclined waste of academic space there is. i just... school. ugh.

this morning, though, i was a real functioning adult. i was overachieving. egg salad sandwiches instead of cereal and milk for breakfast. buffalo and ranch chicken wraps instead of pb&j sandwiches for lunch. (my parents are out of town, so i'm pretending once again to be head of the household slash homemaker, and i think this is what i was made for. once cricket starts school, i can totally see myself turning into that overly obnoxious pta mom that bakes homemade cookies for every event, never misses a single excuse to show up at the school, volunteers for literally everything, is crafty in the showiest way possible, and makes sure that every other mom hates me for making them feel like they probably don't love their kid as much as i do. i mean, i am basically that person already. god help us all. (although i can just as easily see myself going to extremes in the exact opposite way as well, like total slacker mom gives her kids a bag of chocolate chips for lunch and shows up to every event in the same hoodie and other moms both feel sorry for me and are slightly scared of me. it will be interesting to see which way i go.))

but back to my productivity.

after making sure the kids got on the bus and dropping the sister off at work and stopping at the apartment to check on the bunny and pick up my vitamins (because yesterday i was still a forgetful wannabe adult), i went to the bank and had an important adult bank meeting. and then i scanned and sent out all the important documents to everyone i was supposed to. and i made a bunch of important phone calls. (have i mentioned on here that i hate the house-buying-getting-a-loan process from the very core of my being? yes? well, there it is again.) and then i went to CVS and got important things i needed and nutterbutters which i probably did not need (but they were on sale! so still adulty!) and came home to pack the care package i have been meaning to seal up for weeks now but never got around to. and this was all before ten:thirty in the morning. and then i got on the computer to grade the papers and suddenly... i am me again.

i have tried to bribe myself with nutterbutters, but it has been going like this:

responsible me (rm): you can't eat any cookies until you grade at least half of the papers.
me-me (mm): i can, though.
rm: okay, yes, technically you can. but don't.
mm: *slowly reaches for cookies*
rm: don't do it.
mm: *picks up cookie*
rm: you can't eat that cookie until you at least start grading the papers
mm: *eats cookie*
rm: okay, that was just to remind you of how good they are so that you can start grading. motivation. and energy or something. but you can't eat any more until you at least finish grading two papers.
mm: i can, though.

and so then i wrote a blog post that probably could have been a lot shorter. just... ugh. school.

*On My Own - Whitney Houston

i've been doing just fine

i am awful at telephones, let's just get that out there. i take time to mentally prepare myself before i have to make phone calls. this could be anywhere from ten minutes to two days depending on the nature of the call. (i don't think i have ever said "nature of the call" before in my life, and i feel like an idiot typing it, but there it is.) there are some days, though, that telephones do not bother me in the slightest. i will make a hundred and five calls and be ready to make twelve more. (i think a hundred and seventeen is pretty much my limit, though.) yesterday was a phone call day. which was awesome for the reasons that i will now tell you.

two years ago (or something like that), i was buying a ticket for an event and if i signed up for a trial month of one of those coupon-smart-shopper-whatever programs, i would get forty percent off the ticket. forty percent is kind of a lot, so i signed up. before my trial month was over, i called them up (horror of all horrors) and cancelled my subscription. the following month, however, i had a charge on my credit card for seventeen dollars. for the subscription that i cancelled. i kept planning on calling them to tell them that i should not have been charged, but a part of me kind of hoped it would just go away on its own. the following month, though, i was charged again. so i heaved a big sigh and called up the program people. after a long phone call during which i was passed off to several different people, i was finally told that my subscription was cancelled and i would be credited back the two charges within the next few days. only, i wasn't credited back anything. and the following month, i was charged again. 

i kept pushing off calling them again, and then kind of forgot, and only remembered at bad times, and then two years passed with me being charged seventeen dollars a month. every month. for two years. maybe a little more. and then finally, yesterday happened. and i called and cancelled my credit card. that i didn't use really ever and was only there to be charged seventeen dollars a month. and it feels awesome. i also made a whole bunch of other calls that i have been putting off for forever. and did all of those i-don't-want-to-but-need-to things. it was productive.

while i was feeling extremely gloaty and productive, though, the universe decided to knock me down a few pegs and i ate lunch twice. because i forgot that i had already eaten it. i remember thinking, "oh i forgot to have lunch. i'm not even hungry but people who are on top of things do not skip meals." and then after i finished i saw my plate from my first lunch sitting by the sink and i was like, "oh yeah. that's why i wasn't hungry." 

*Mr. Brightside - The Killers

outside the sun is shining, seems like heaven ain't far away

the thing about marrying a crazy sports fan is that sometimes, your plans to visit hershey, pa, home of chocolate and all things awesome, get delayed a couple of weeks due to sickness and stuff and then happen to fall on the first weekend of the world cup. and then suddenly your crazy sports fan husband decides that driving two hours there and back is much too long of a drive for a day trip, despite not having any problem with this a few weeks earlier. and you're a bit confused until the day is instead spent watching an endless stream of soccer games and how are there so many games played in one day?

have you been watching the world cup? is it just me or are there more players scoring on themselves than there probably should be? and did you see that player from uruguay that looked like his jersey had shrunk in the wash and he didn't have time to get a new one before the game?

i can't really complain, though, because in all honesty i do not mind watching sports games. and also the lazy days spent sprawled on the couch while he watches soccer and i read books are probably some of my favorites. plus, i figure that we should savor these types of days while we get them. i can only postpone growing up for so long. one day i will have a stressful career and/or a family (with real live kids) and i will look back on these early years of marriage with nostalgic longing. 

speaking of growing up, i've been doing some research for my dissertation. (sort of. like background information for background information. but hey, it's something.) research makes my brain fuzzy even though i'm pretty sure it's supposed to be making me smarter. that's the whole point of research, isn't it? i have also been burning a lilac candle and my apartment smells heavenly, and i'm just feeling really good about today. you know those days? that are nothing special at all, that are not memorable in the least bit, but that are still really good days? yeah. (i was at walmart this morning and candles were on sale and i've had lilacs on my mind (refer to previous post) and so i obviously bought one. i want to go back and buy five more. usually the candles that are on sale smell like crap, but this one is so pretty. i forgot everything i actually needed to get today, though. oops. i also got a really good smoothie. not from walmart.)

i'm thinking of making brussel sprouts for dinner. you can have a side for a meal, right? i just really don't want anything else. you probably don't care what i eat for dinner anyway. this post has gotten wildly off topic.

you know, maybe it's this candle that's giving me floaty brain syndrome. there's like half an inch or so of liquid wax that just looks so pretty i kind of want to jump into it. candles are so distracting. anyway, i should probably get back to research before i completely lose the ability to be smartish. 

*Exitlude - The Killers

it's not so bad

knitting relaxes me. i can get into a groove and let my mind wander or listen to music (there's a taylor swift/miley cyrus playlist on youtube that has become some of my top knitting music and i have no idea why) or watch tv or whatever else i wanna do. my hands know what to do on their own. if i start out tense and angry, i will finish calm and relaxed and the owner of a new scarf or hat. it's awesome.

crocheting has always been the opposite for me. the minute i pick up a crochet needle i feel myself start to tense up. i get snappy and angry as i start my chain. five minutes into a project and a string of curses is falling from my lips. my fingers are constantly stumbling. i never find a groove. and it seems like i am in a perpetual state of  "ugh should i pull out this whole row or should i live with the seven hundred mistakes i managed to make in five stitches?" it's bad. because of this, i tend to avoid crocheting.

the other day, though, i saw a cupcake scarf and fell in love. i knew there was no way to knit it and so i heaved a big sigh and grabbed my crochet needles. i promptly decided that cupcakes were maybe a bit too difficult for my first crochet project in over a year, though, and since i have been obsessed with cookies lately and i was literally eating a chocolate chip cookie as i looked up crochet cupcake patterns, i decided to make a chocolate chip cookie scarf instead. added bonus: i already knew how to crochet a circle.

i'm not going to lie, the first couple circles came out a bit wonky. but cookies are not perfect so whatever, i thought. and then i somehow ended up with a circle that was smaller than the first two i made despite doing it exactly the same way and i decided that it would be unrealistic for every cookie to be the same size. basically, i decided not to take the project very seriously. it helped. and though i never did reach the point where my hands could work unsupervised, i managed to fall into a sort of rhythm. the repeating one-two-one-two one-one-two-one-one-two started to have that same calming effect as watching scenery blur by on a long car ride. and i finished a crocheting project without wanting to kill someone. yay me.

(immediately afterwards, though, i picked up my knitting needles. i am starting a rainbow scarf. well, the first rainbow scarf. i made the stripes too wide so i had to change my design, but it should still come out nice.)

anyway, here's the scarf:

*Thank You - Dido

give it a try

this is a christmas related post that really actually has little to do with christmas and is coming to you the day after christmas. although, i typed it up on christmas. (four christmases in two sentences.) but i already posted that lovely and pointless post that was sort of about hope but mostly just my way of saying that i have that feeling that something big is going to happen. usually when i have that feeling, nothing happens, but it doesn't make it any less exciting. and i kind of like the fact that i can't quite quell the excitement when i feel it even though i know it's probably just nothing. it's kind of disney-esque, only mostly just inside my head. it's hard to explain.

but anyway. back to christmas. well, sort of.

being muslim, i don't celebrate christmas. (except for those years when my sisters and i were growing up and we did the whole christmas thing every year. the whole nine yards with tree and lights and stockings and christmas music and paper chain countdowns and waking up at dawn to open presents.) i, however, love the christmas season. christmas lights are without a doubt one of my favorite things in the world. there is something about the small colored lights that fill me with magic. i also love christmas music (although it is really annoying when you are trying to sing along to the radio and every singer changes the song just enough to make it sound like you are way out of tune every single time). i also love stocking stuffers. i have this really bad problem with buying stuff that i don't need or want because it is either on sale or a good price. dollar stores and drug stores and the sale aisle of craft stores are my weakness. stocking stuffers fall under that umbrella. but that's neither here nor there.

despite not celebrating christmas, i do have my christmas season (which lasts a little longer than most people's) traditions. like, gingerbread cookies. every year, between the end of thanksgiving and martin luther king (jr.?) day, i have to bake gingerbread men. at least once. and every year i have to watch the santa claus. you know, the tim allen one. (the radio the other night told me that the movie has been out for nineteen years and that made me feel so old. ninteen years guys. i could have raised a child to voting age in that time. i could have raised two children to voting age (given they were born in consecutive years) in that time. there is something about the word consecutive that makes me think of math problems.) i used to watch all of those christmas tv shows (santa, rudolph, frosty, etc) that have been on for generations and are actually pretty terrible and incredibly sexist/racist/generally politically incorrect, but i stopped those a couple of years ago. mostly because i kept forgetting to watch them and time became a lot harder to come by. i also love to go on  drives through neighborhoods to look at christmas lights. my older sister and i used to that a lot during our college years before she up and moved to the other side of the world. my husband just does not see the appeal in it. it's not as fun going alone, and so i opted to skip it this year. sad, i know. this is not the point, either.

(i guess this really has turned into a christmas post.)

but what i really came here to say, though, was that, during my read-through of the blog posts from the last two months, someone mentioned that they had already watched elf twice, and i have never seen elf. not even once. ever. i never even really wanted to. but it is often listed as one of the christmas movies that you have to watch every year, and i'm thinking that maybe i should take the plunge. a different blogger wrote about how she makes chocolates for all of her friends and family for christmas, and i kind of want to try that, too. what other christmastime traditions should i try out while i'm at it?

*Give it a Try - Badfinger

harder than it sounds

the other day i was watching a live telethon raising money for the craig the genie pilot. (click here to read more about this pilot on kickstarter. and, you know, donate to it or whatever. they only have five days left to raise money and still about halfway to go.) anyway, whenever they hit a certain benchmark, one of the guys involved would do something. these somethings included internet challenges, one of which was the saltine challenge. now, i had never heard of the saltine challenge, and when they were explaining it i thought it sounded laughably easy. basically, you have to eat six saltines (including the crumbs) in a minute without drinking any water. joey richter, the one who attempted the challenge, couldn't do it, and i found that completely ridiculous. i mean, you just have to eat six crackers in a minute. that's so easy!

so yesterday i decided to try it. and oh my god let me tell you it is so much harder than it sounds. so. much. you eat the first cracker and feel great about yourself because you got it down in the ten seconds and it was easy and you feel like you have it in the bag. but every cracker after that one gets progressively harder to chew and swallow. it's like a giant mass of jaw-freezing glue just forms in your mouth and fighting it is like trying to fight off an annoying dragon that jumps in with a new story every time you open your mouth to talk and you just feel frustrated and hopeless and your mouth, that has been so faithful to you your whole life, is suddenly rendered completely useless. when time started running out, i ended up stuffing the remaining crackers in my mouth, but couldn't swallow them in the minute and so i failed. then my brother tried, and only got three and a half crackers done. my other brother tried and ate two before he started laughing so hard that he had to stop. my husband got all of them in his mouth but not swallowed, too. i had pretty much decided that the challenge was impossible by that point. and then my dad came along.

as i explained the challenge to my dad, he mocked it (like we all did) and said he could eat the whole packet without water. of course i made him do it after that, preparing my "i told you so!" speech in my head. he started the first cracker, taking a bite instead of shoving the whole thing in his mouth like the rest of us and i thought, "there's no way he can eat that slowly and finish six in a minute. he's going to lose for sure." but he continued eating them at his own pace and swallowed the last one with a few seconds to spare. needless to say, i was impressed.

i think i need to try it again with his strategy. you guys give it a shot, too, and see for yourself how much harder it is to do than to say.

*Forward Motion - Relient K

here comes the sun, and i say it's all right

there's just something about spring. despite the fact that i am swamped with end of semester work (since i did that independent study in a week, though, i've developed some sense that i am amazing and above schoolwork and can procrastinate everything and still put out work worthy of being posted to the department's site. it's very bad for the productive student that blossomed within me during that time. she has withered and died.), despite the fact that human ignorance makes me sad, despite the fact that i have no idea what to do with my life after this summer and that i do not know how to edit and that i simply cannot lose weight, there's just something about spring.

i went out to wait for the bus earlier than usual yesterday. like, way earlier. like, a had a little over an hour before it would come. and the weather was beautiful. right next to my apartment (and coincidentally where the bus picks me up) is this little... town center? shopping center? community place thing? i dunno what it's called, but it's one of those places that has stores and restaurants and a movie theater and a few offices and places to sit and enjoy life. in the sitting area they have this fountain thing in the ground (i am just all over the explanations today) that works from spring to early autumn (in the winter they put the christmas tree in its spot). anyway, it's meant for kids to play in, and kids are always playing in it (surprise, surprise). some come prepared with swimsuits and towels, others take off their shirts and shoes and run right in, and still others just go in fully dressed. (the other day a mom took off her kid's sneakers but left his socks on. i just did not understand. i mean, not only did it make it more slippery for him to walk in the water, but also, how is he going to wear his sneakers now? and wet socks are so uncomfortable. how could he have any fun?)

it might just be me, but kids are cuter in the spring. my biological clock starts ticking really loud the minute the weather turns nice and kids that are magically well-behaved all the time start surrounding me. maybe it's that spring clothes are adorable. maybe it's that they've been cooped up all winter and are just so happy to be outside that they forget to cry about not getting to eat cookies for lunch or having to wear a sweater. then again, maybe it's something in the fountain water that makes kids share toys with their siblings without being asked as their parents watch on in shock, not wanting to make any loud noises or quick movements in case they interrupt this once in a lifetime moment, and invite random strangers to join their games. i dunno what it is, but springtime is really bad for my decision that i don't want kids yet. always has been. (i've been around kids my entire life, and what with little brothers and nephews and cousins and whatnot i know better than to believe this spring illusion. i do love kids, though, in case i'm coming off as a child hater.)

but back to the point. while i was waiting for the bus i got a scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (that and mint chocolate chip are my two favorite flavors) in a sugar cone and sat in the sun listening to kids laughing and reading my book. (i am on book four of the mortal instruments and though i finished the first two in a day each and this one is a lot shorter than those, i'm dragging it out because i haven't gotten a chance to get the fifth one yet. everywhere i see it has it in hardcover, but i want the paperback to match the rest of mine.) and the combination of amazing weather, good ice cream, cute kids, and young adult fiction was just so perfect. no matter how bad things get, a perfect spring day can take your mind off of it.

there's just something about spring.

*Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles

well i feel like something's gonna give

i've had occasion-cake in my fridge since early march. it's a little ridiculous, to be honest. what is occasion cake, you may ask. well, cake made for an occasion of course. i made a cupcake rose bouquet for the going away dinner for my neighbors early last month. the cupcakes that did not make it into the bouquet made it into my fridge instead. a couple days after that, and before the cupcakes were finished, i made birthday cupcakes for my husband. a week or so later, with the cupcakes my husband told me to save for him growing stale (because, let's be honest, if it was me those cupcakes would be eaten before they even started to think about getting stale) i made the butterbeer cake for my youngest brother's birthday. with half of my family on a diet, my dad sent half of the leftover cake back home with me and it ended up in my fridge. then my sister got me a birthday cake and leftovers went into the fridge. then my husband got me a birthday cake and most of that went into the fridge. then my other sister sent me chocolate covered strawberries (which aren't technically cake but still count) and half of those went into the fridge. then i made black bean brownies for my younger sister's birthday (side note: she turned twenty-three yesterday and had her party at chuck e cheese's. it was awesome.) and, you guessed it, some of those joined the party in the fridge. i'm slowly working my way through everything (except for the stale cupcakes that are still sitting there looking sad) but oh my goodness is there a lot.

anyway.

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about stuff and things. vague, i know, but a lot of it is still just feelings trying to work themselves into thoughts, and i couldn't really express them right now even if i tried. part of it, though, is this expectant feeling that something is going to happen. something good. something big. i'm crossing my fingers that it has to do with writingslashediting (i've been reading things very critically this year, noting what works and what doesn't, what i do well and what i need to improve upon, and i'm hoping that this will prove helpful once this semester is over and i pull my editing hat out from under the piles of dirty laundry i will finally get around to doing) but i'm not so sure. 

(i also kind of think that i've been subconsciously sabotaging my phd attempt. like, i'm doing the bare minimum to scrape by, but not putting in any effort to really move forward. i'm making a show of putting in effort, but i know deep down that if i really wanted to, i could have found myself a committee by now. i have always had a default defense mechanism where, if i'm not 100% sure that i won't fail, i won't give it my all so that i'll have an excuse when failure does come around, but i don't think that's entirely it this time. i think part of me is digging in my proverbial heels because it wants a different future, and until i make up my mind one way or the other i'm not going to be able to do anything. this summer will include some major soul searching (in between movie marathons and reading sprees), because i really need to figure some stuff out already.)

*Push - Matchbox 20

these are things that i don't understand

okay, so i have a bookly confession to make (and also a moviely one) that i feel it is finally time to come to terms with. a few years ago i had heard enough reviews about how awesomely amazing the perks of being a wallflower was that i finally decided to just read it already. (most of the time i am very bad at reading recommended books and books that are known to be awesome. it takes me forever.) so i get the book and curl up with it, preparing for my mind to be blown. i was ready to laugh and cry and finally know the meaning of life. (those seemed to be the most common reactions to the book.) i started it and thought, meh. i got halfway through and thought, meh. i turned the last page and thought, okay i must be missing something here.

it wasn't a bad book, though i kind of wish it was. (at least bad books can be enjoyed for their sheer awfulness and incite some kind of strong reaction in me.) this book was just there. maybe, being in my first year or so of college, i was just too old to enjoy it. maybe there was the whole emperor's new clothes thing going on and i needed to be the little kid to point out that the guy was naked. maybe it was that we kept being told that charlie was some super english genius and yet we were reading his letters and i saw none of that genius in them. or maybe it just went right over my head. anything is possible. the point is, whenever someone would quote "and in that moment, we were infinite" and say it gave them chills, or refer to the book as the greatest thing they ever read and the book that made them who they are, i kind of wanted to demand they tell me what was so great about it and give them a list of actually great novels that they should read instead. 

and then the movie came out and i was like okay cool. it's been a few years since i read the book, the cast is awesome, maybe i'll finally understand the hype for this thing. but i came out of the theater thinking that i got it more in book form, and that's saying something. as people were going on and on about how amazing the movie was, i had to wonder if we were watching the same thing. the most i got out of the movie was that emma watson, though she had a flew slip ups, did a pretty good american accent and that the actors can, in fact, act. as for the story... well that went straight over my head. again. 

maybe i'm a book snob, (though considering some of the trash that i read and enjoy i highly doubt that.) or maybe i'm just stupid. but i really, really do not see what is so great about this book. there have been books that i didn't like but could see why other people thought they were the epitome of awesomeness. this is not one of those books. if you read and liked the perks of being a wallflower, please explain this to me. i kind of need to understand this.

on a completely random note, i had a pina colada yogurt for breakfast this morning and it just might have been the greatest most delicious thing i have ever eaten ever. 

*Things That I Don't Understand - Coldplay

and if i never see your face again, i don't mind

one of the biggest pieces of news recently (and in light of everything that's going on everywhere i find this a little sad, in the way that makes me feel that someone should be punched in the face) is that hostess is declaring bankruptcy and closing down. it is the end of the twinkie (at least until some other company decides to buy them and start reselling all of hostess's products). for maybe half a second, i was caught up in the overwhelming sadness and panic that the rest of the world seemed to be swept up in: no more twinkies?! how will we ever survive?! but then i remembered that i don't even like twinkies and moved on with my life.

in fact, i've never actually met anyone in real life that liked twinkies. pop culture likes to boast about how they're the greatest thing since putting cheese on a burger, and it seems like every other celebrity is claiming that its their favorite food, but real live people that i could reach my hand out and touch (despite the fact that that sounds a little creepy) have never once told me that the thing they love most in the world is a twinkie. 

every once and a while, my sister and i would get caught up in the hype of the twinkie. we'd be bombarded with references to its awesomeness and think, 'you know, maybe we're just remembering them wrong. maybe we got one that they forgot to inject with awesomeness. maybe we should try another twinkie.' and so we run out to 7-11 and pick up a couple. of course, after tearing open the wrapper in anticipation, taking a bite and chewing in slow motion to give it maximum dramatic effect, we are hit with the same thing we are always hit with: disappointment. i'm not saying twinkies are bad or anything, but i never seem to remember what they taste like besides disappointment. i would never choose a twinkie over a hoho is all i know.  

(i refer to this as the KISS phenomenon. i have never once met a KISS fan and yet on every movie and tv show i see they are toted as the greatest band ever. granted, the fact that they did a concert semi-recently must mean that someone has to like them, but i dunno. twinkies and KISS are mixed up in the worst conspiracy ever.)

so if the world really doesn't see another twinkie ever again, well, i think i might be okay with that. and deep down, i think every one else will be too, because if you stop to think about it, no one likes twinkies. 

just in case you were wondering, i'm more of a little debbie girl anyway. 

*If I Never See Your Face Again - Maroon 5

something very wrong with you

so there are ten days left until nanowrimo, and i have a minor story line, a major character, and a big hole where everything else should go. so much for trying to actually plan ahead of time this year. also, my keyboard is being stupid today, and i'm hoping it gets unstupid before nano starts because i don't feel like having to pound repeatedly on certain letters to get them to work. it completely throws a wrench in the whole write really fast without thinking about how much it all sucks approach. maybe being too lazy to copy down a recipe and accidentally spilling powdered sugar all over it was not the best idea.

i made a pumpkin roll last night (like a jellyroll but with pumpkin cake and maple-cream cheese frosting). it was the first time i had made any roll thing ever and it looks way harder and so much more impressive than it actually is. i think they may be my new favorite thing. i'm on a pumpkin kick right now and planning on eating so much pumpkin this season that i turn orange.

i also wrote a paper yesterday for one of my classes on this child pornography case from a couple of years ago. and oh. my. god. some of the most disturbing stuff i have ever read ever. they mentioned in the notes that this guy went far beyond the normal standards of messed up - even for a child molester - but i could barely handle reading about it. i don't think i would be able to actually look through the images or watch the videos to do a real investigation. i'm too squeamish for my chosen career path.

*That's Just the Way It Is - Phil Collins

you've been on my mind

i have this friend who i'll go months without speaking to (actually i have a lot of those. it's kinda sad) and then one day i'll be thinking about her or she'll show up in my dream or something, and next thing i know i have an email in my inbox from her saying that i was on her mind/in her dream. it's really cool. and i haven't seen this girl since i was in tenth grade, but it's always been like this. it's generally in these moments though that i lament the fact that i tend to get so wrapped up in my own life that i withdraw from whatever friends i've managed to keep over the years. i'm too hermit-y for my own good. at these moments i'll decide that i'm just going to stop being such a social recluse and invite everyone over to my house. but then i'll look around at the mess i'd be forced to clean and watch another episode of gilmore girls instead. (the show changes, the laziness never does.) i think my new year resolution is going to be to go back to the time in my life when i actually kept in touch with all of my friends. that should be fun.

you know what isn't fun? probability homework. and calculus that i need to relearn because i cannot for the life of me remember it from that one semester my first year of college. i'm not going to look at any of that until i come back from my meeting this afternoon that will either send me into a panic over my absolute unreadiness to move on in this program or give me a high off the knowledge that i'm actually on track and can do this. i'm planning on going out to buy the new candy corn oreos that i've heard so much about the past couple of days, because i love candy corn and i love flavored oreos, to either console me in my misery or celebrate with in my happiness. i'll let you all know how they are because i'm sure you're dying to know.

*One and Only - Adele

i'm stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake

i have eaten so many brownies today. ninety four point six percent of what i've eaten today has been brownies. i put peanut butter on the last one i ate so that makes it healthy though, right? also, i think i should mention that though the batter was so overwhelmingly coffee tasting to the point that i was seriously worrying that you wouldn't be able to taste the double chocolateyness of the brownies, none of that flavor translated over to the cooked brownies. sad, i know. but still, i ate a lot of brownies today.

i also have been writing a lot of bad writing lately. and i know that sometimes you have to get through a lot of bad writing before you get to the good stuff again. and i know that sometimes writer's block happens and sometimes writing just really, really sucks. but by lately i mean all summer and maybe even before that, and though i never had much faith in my writing because, according to grandma, i am my mother's daughter, i really wish i could go back to that point where i would sometimes like things that came out of my brain. because now i like pretty much nothing. i read something once that said i think i lost what i never thought i had before. something about this moment reminds me of that. i recently wrote a poem that talked about burning in hell being better than purgatory? yeah.

also, we got our new mattress today. apparently it's a shakespeare edition. whatever that means. i'm hoping that it means that it will recite sonnets and write plays. maybe all my dreams will be in iambic pentameter. that might be cool. maybe it will help cure me of my sucky writing. though i think the main problem with my writing is that i have no experience, no emotions, no life, and my imagination is dwindling. maybe i should have gotten one of those instead of a mattress.

*Be My Escape - Relient K

do you still remember how we used to be?

i am wearing gummy bear earrings and my tongue is burned. i am also wishing i had gotten myself a mango pepsi from the kitchen when i was in there getting two hershey kisses for breakfast. but i think soda exacerbates a burnt tongue, so actually i'm glad i didn't. i burned my tongue while cooking yesterday and forgetting that when you put something on the stove it gets hot. sometimes i do things like that, and it makes me wonder how people could possibly think i'm smart enough to get a phd. i'm having a problem with my "o". i think junior is starting to get old and his keyboard is getting a little hard of hearing. this makes me sad because i remember when i first got him the day i finished my last undergrad class, and it seems like just yesterday but also a million years ago. i also remember that the very next day my capstone professor gave me a C. i'd like to say i've gotten over that, but to be honest i'm still a little bitter. i don't think i'll ever fully recover.

last night i ate a caffeinated brownie, and then i fell asleep fifteen minutes later so i don't think caffeine does much for me.

i don't think i ever mentioned on here how upset i was that the spice girls didn't perform in the olympics opening ceremony. i mean, i didn't give it much (read: any) thought beforehand, but while watching the thing and seeing harry potter and mary poppins and a bunch of bands that i didn't really know, i kept waiting for them to come out. and then they didn't. the spice girls were huge in the nineties. i don't understand why they weren't there. my cousin (who we made get us the spice girls movie way back when) had to listen to me whine abut it for a while. i mean, there were other people there too (my husband and cousins' children) but i think he was the only one that truly got it because he was the only one that knew me back when i was a big fan. (i still have some of their songs on my ipod. should i be confessing that?)

i'm trying to decide whether to make peanut butter cookies or tiramisu cheesecake, and the fact that i can sit here in a quiet apartment, listening to the lawn mowers outside (and a few floors down) my window, and have that be my biggest concern makes me feel incredibly grateful.

*Viva Forever - Spice Girls

it's once again traveling day. i'm going to spare you all the list of things i can't find and can't remember, because honestly i think the only thing that will do is make me panic a bit. so let's just pretend that everything's hunky dory (i was going to say peachy but somehow that came out instead. i don't think i've ever used the phrase hunky dory before this in my life). anyway, i should probably have internet in the desert both at my family's and my husband's family's houses, so hopefully i'll still be blogging for the next six weeks. now i'm off to find my sunglasses case (and hope that i didn't shove it into my suitcase at one point because there is no way i am unpacking that thing again) and try to remember what else i needed to bring. (yay for procrastination.)

oh, and i can't remember if i ever posted about them on here or if i just talked about it in real life, but a couple of months ago i read that crunch was making girl scout cookie themed chocolates. i finally tried them, and i have to say that i am not a fan of the peanut butter one (though i like that cookie). the samoa and thin mint ones are okay, though.