i swear that you've got me all wrong

first of all, i don't know how anyone expects me to get anything done with this weather. like, seriously, there are freaking dementors wandering around outside and you want me to do research? or make bank calls? or harass real estate agents? or grade stuff? or do dishes? or clean out my closet? yeah, okay. this weather clearly calls for hiding out at hogwarts in a book and snacking on junk all day long. (except i am actually really hungry for real food, but we don't have any food in the house because i've been at my parents house for so long - it;s my first day back. and i also don't feel like cooking. i just want cheese enchiladas to appear in front of me with a side of rice and beans. i would be perfectly happy with a bagel with lox and cream cheese, too. oh, and i did laundry, so i guess it's the day for getting some stuff done.)

this brings us to my second point (well, let's pretend it does): my adviser has some tragically misguided ideas about me, and i don't know how to tell him that he's wrong. see, all of his other students are at his office constantly asking him for help and getting his opinion and showing him their results and whatever else one does with an academic adviser, i'm sure. i'm obviously not doing that.

when he talked to my third committee member, he told her that i am a really hardworking and independent student. i thought he was just saying that so that she'd work with me. it turns out that, no, he actually thinks that i have been sitting at home working on my dissertation instead of actively partaking in self-sabotage and procrastination. it would be funny if it wasn't so sad. see, i used to be that type of student that he thinks i am. i used to set myself deadlines and get my stuff done when it needed to be done. i used to work by myself and show up after a long absence with a completed project worthy of publication. (not my words. i'm surprisingly not that arrogant.) but now? now i have all but given up on my work. i have zero motivation and even less self-discipline. i am so over school but don't have the guts (or the ego) to let anyone else know and just drop out. or take a break. or something.

my adviser set up a research group of sorts for all of his students and anyone else who wanted to join. he subtly hinted that maybe i should present my work this week. (i think he just wants to know how far i am and doesn't want to come out and just ask me.) he actually thinks i have work done, you guys. i don't know how to break it to him that i've tried, i really have, and i just can't bring myself to do anything on this stupid project. it's part laziness, part procrastination, part being burned out, and part spite (because i am passive-aggressive and stupid and just realized this recently but i think i am stubbornly refusing to do any work on this to spite the people who are so invested in it. idiotic, i know.)

i might have to come up with some mysterious illness wednesday night. and then maybe in the next two weeks i can throw something together to give a presentation about? maybe? hopefully?

(i also just read a fanfiction piece about james and sirius right after sirius fell through the veil, and now i'm sad. and hungry. this weather, man.)

*As Lovers Go - Dashboard Confessionals

ask me your questions

okay so i dunno what goes on in other majors, but in computer forensics - especially on the intelligence side -we are taught over and over again about the different sources of information. (like, really. over and over and over again. i cannot stress enough the number of times i have learned about where to look for information.) anyway, one of these sources is scholars and academics. it seems obvious enough. if you think that a terrorist is planning a stegosaurus attack on the white house and there is a person that has spent nearly his or her entire life studying stegosauruses (stegosauri? why are neither of those giving me a red squiggle?), well you'd obviously go talk to that person. i mean, duh.

i always thought that the whole "spent nearly his or her entire life studying" part was pretty important. i mean, you'd want to go with the tried and true experts, right? apparently that is not always the case. apparently you can use a paper that a student wrote for an independent study as a reference and talk to said student about the finer points slash clarifications slash whatever.

if you are not seeing what i am getting at, here's the short version: the fbi (yes, that fbi) called me today (well, an agent of the fbi obviously. not the whole organization.) to ask me a few questions about things i wrote about in my independent study paper. (cue dropped jaws. i know, right?)

earlier today, this was my thought process:
god i should really write another blog post.
i could write about the crazy weather.
oh my god no one cares about the weather. you write about the weather way too much. get a life.
yeah, but rain and hail and snow one day followed by gorgeous sun the next? crazy.
no. one. cares.
oh man i hope the clay in my trunk didn't freeze like last week.
at least i'm at home so i don't have to wear rain boots when there's not a single puddle on the ground like an idiot.
ooh sunny weather means flip flops.
ugh, but flip flops mean lyme disease.
it would suck if i got lyme disease again. those antibiotics were the worst.
talking about potentially getting lyme disease is just as bad as talking about the weather.
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
i'll give myself to the end of the day. and then i will blog about the weather. again. gah.

and then the fbi called and i didn't have to write about the weather anymore. but i did anyway.

*The Scientist - Coldplay

it's not about the money, money, money

the polar vertex left behind amazing weather, you guys. it's so beautiful outside. totally not winter weather (i'm still holding out for a good snow) but still super beautiful.

along with the pretty weather, though, comes the reminder that spring semester is just around the corner. the emails about pre-semester meetings have already started rolling in. i have a ta meeting, an orientation (where i have a speech to give), and a tour/meet-and-greet on thursday. this thursday. bye bye vacation. 

speaking of school, at the end of last semester, mason sent me a lovely check for fifteen hundred dollars. since i have a scholarship that pays for my tuition and i had two campus jobs that each paid part of my tuition, i had some money left over in my student account. i wasn't expecting any money (since the two jobs said they wouldn't pay my tuition since i had a scholarship) so it was a really awesome surprise. and then today mason called me and said that they weren't supposed to give me any money and could i please pay them fifteen hundred dollars before they put my account on hold. so i did. it was decidedly less awesome than getting the money. and the lady was acting like i stole it. "i noticed that you already deposited the check," she said in the most accusatory tone she could manage. uh you mean the check written out to me a month ago? that you guys sent? that i thought was for me? yeah, i guess i did. 

*Price Tag - Jessie J

maybe we're a little different, there's no need to be ashamed

so yesterday was one of those days when, i had been cold for the previous two days and decided not to repeat the same mistake for a third time, so i got like really bundled up. i'm talking about layers and layers under my hoodie and my wannabe ugg boots and the whole shebang. so i go out all prepared to battle the cold and oh my god it was so hot. like, it was beautiful weather, but under all of my layers i was sweating. i go to walmart, regretting my outfit the entire time, and then stop home again to change before school. i go to school with no boots and a significantly lower number of layers and... i was cold the entire rest of the day and night.

in other news, i was talking with someone the other day (like someone who i greatly respect, who has actually done things with her life and has a phd and has traveled extensively) and the subject somehow turned to books. over the past couple of years, i have grown wary of book talk with most people. (which is why so much of it ends up here.) i've just been faced with self-proclaimed book lovers who seem to read for the sole purpose of looking smart. there are the people who will only read philosophy books and books on politics and only foray into novel world for literary fiction. there are the people who simply refuse to read fiction at all because it is somehow beneath them (although, with their nose so far up in the air, it must look like the entire world is beneath them). there are the people who only read the fiction that was written for adults by the "real authors," whatever that means, because everything else is a waste of time and makes them stupid. and then there are the people that will admit that they've read - and *gasp* might have actually liked - young adult fiction in whispered confessions with guilty looks and "don't judge me" ready at the tip of their tongue.

so i was pleasantly surprised when, near the start of this conversation, she told me that the school library (which i was convinced was stocked only with text books and unread dissertations for the past seven years) had a really good adolescent fiction section hidden away that she was steadily reading through. and it was so great to talk with someone who could say that she just read the BFG with no hipster intentions of looking cool without it sounding like she was admitting to murder or to picking her nose in public. it has been a long time since i talked to someone new that read for the stories, for the escape, for meeting new characters and going on new adventures. someone who wrote fanfiction and understood that getting lost in a story - whether it was written for five year olds or five hundred year olds - was the greatest feeling in the world. someone who admitted to liking twilight and seeing the faults in it, who read good books and bad books and loved them all, and it was amazing. i definitely left the conversation with a bit of a high.

now, i know that there are people out there (i know quite a few!) that read like i do. people who may prefer reading ink on paper over pixels but don't judge you as less of a reader for choosing the latter because they understand that the story is what matters, not what's holding it. people that will read literary fiction and young adult and harlequin romances and fantasy and everything in between in the span of a month. people who can appreciate a really well-written book but can enjoy fluff just the same. people who don't care what you think because they'd rather talk to harry than you anyway. it's just getting rarer and rarer for me to meet one in real life. but they're out there, i know, and i hope you all know that you are my favorites.

*Read All About It - Emeli Sande

here comes the sun, and i say it's all right

there's just something about spring. despite the fact that i am swamped with end of semester work (since i did that independent study in a week, though, i've developed some sense that i am amazing and above schoolwork and can procrastinate everything and still put out work worthy of being posted to the department's site. it's very bad for the productive student that blossomed within me during that time. she has withered and died.), despite the fact that human ignorance makes me sad, despite the fact that i have no idea what to do with my life after this summer and that i do not know how to edit and that i simply cannot lose weight, there's just something about spring.

i went out to wait for the bus earlier than usual yesterday. like, way earlier. like, a had a little over an hour before it would come. and the weather was beautiful. right next to my apartment (and coincidentally where the bus picks me up) is this little... town center? shopping center? community place thing? i dunno what it's called, but it's one of those places that has stores and restaurants and a movie theater and a few offices and places to sit and enjoy life. in the sitting area they have this fountain thing in the ground (i am just all over the explanations today) that works from spring to early autumn (in the winter they put the christmas tree in its spot). anyway, it's meant for kids to play in, and kids are always playing in it (surprise, surprise). some come prepared with swimsuits and towels, others take off their shirts and shoes and run right in, and still others just go in fully dressed. (the other day a mom took off her kid's sneakers but left his socks on. i just did not understand. i mean, not only did it make it more slippery for him to walk in the water, but also, how is he going to wear his sneakers now? and wet socks are so uncomfortable. how could he have any fun?)

it might just be me, but kids are cuter in the spring. my biological clock starts ticking really loud the minute the weather turns nice and kids that are magically well-behaved all the time start surrounding me. maybe it's that spring clothes are adorable. maybe it's that they've been cooped up all winter and are just so happy to be outside that they forget to cry about not getting to eat cookies for lunch or having to wear a sweater. then again, maybe it's something in the fountain water that makes kids share toys with their siblings without being asked as their parents watch on in shock, not wanting to make any loud noises or quick movements in case they interrupt this once in a lifetime moment, and invite random strangers to join their games. i dunno what it is, but springtime is really bad for my decision that i don't want kids yet. always has been. (i've been around kids my entire life, and what with little brothers and nephews and cousins and whatnot i know better than to believe this spring illusion. i do love kids, though, in case i'm coming off as a child hater.)

but back to the point. while i was waiting for the bus i got a scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (that and mint chocolate chip are my two favorite flavors) in a sugar cone and sat in the sun listening to kids laughing and reading my book. (i am on book four of the mortal instruments and though i finished the first two in a day each and this one is a lot shorter than those, i'm dragging it out because i haven't gotten a chance to get the fifth one yet. everywhere i see it has it in hardcover, but i want the paperback to match the rest of mine.) and the combination of amazing weather, good ice cream, cute kids, and young adult fiction was just so perfect. no matter how bad things get, a perfect spring day can take your mind off of it.

there's just something about spring.

*Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles

as we pull up in our brand new used car

[one] when i was younger, i always said that i wanted my first car to be some used piece of crap. i liked to romanticize everything back then (can't say i've really grown out of that, though) and loved the idea for some reason. as i grew older, i changed my mind. i definitely wanted my first car to be a new one. this, however, is a year for younger me's dreams to come true, and so today a bought my first car, and it is used. while not a piece of crap, it is still about a decade old, and so i think it qualifies as fulfillment of the dream. it is a lot older than the car i've gotten used to driving lately (the one i shared with my husband until he decided to grow up and need it for work) and is a bit of an adjustment. but i have a car, and that's pretty awesome. (in case you were wondering, his name is reginald fairfield after the character from boy meets world of the same name. i was reminded of him for some reason.)

[two] i was walking outside in the freezing wind and my hands froze. i've been in my apartment for almost an hour now, and yet i'm still having difficulty typing because my fingers are numb. the heat is on, but i kinda wanna go find my gloves because this is ridiculous. of course, i'm using this as an excuse for not doing the homework i have due tomorrow (but who assigns homework for the class after the midterm? i mean, seriously.) or the research that is not technically due tomorrow but that i stupidly said i'd have in by the end of the week. saturday can be the end of the week, too, though. right?

[three] i also need to decide what to do about my brother's birthday cake. his birthday is next friday, and while that may seem like a million years away i need to go get ingredients and decorations and stuff. problem is, i can't for the life of me decide what it should look like. it's going to be harry potter related to match my presents, and he said he wanted it to be butterbeer flavored so i'm just going to use the recipe i used to make butterbeer cupcakes, but the design? completely clueless. i was originally thinking of just making a giant snitch because that would be super easy, or to do a sheet cake and draw glasses/lightening bolt/wand/etc on it, but then i googled harry potter cakes and some of those things are super amazing. it kind of made me want to try something like that myself, despite the fact that i lack the required skill set.

*Used Cars - Bruce Springsteen

i just don't understand

i love snow. i do. i think that there is no point to winter without a good covering of white. i like how snow looks, i like the crunch of it being compressed under my shoes, i like throwing snowballs and sledding and the bite in the air when it snows. i love the smell of snow. the rare times that we get crazy amounts of snow and are snowed in make me ecstatic.

but today, i do not want snow. i wish this snow had come on saturday. or any time next week. or last week. or the week before or after. but not today.

today i have a midterm, and it is a test that you can't really study for because there is really not much to study besides everything ever written online about macs ever, and that is impossible. but the professor said it wouldn't be hard so i was trying my best not to stress about it. and doing a very fine job at that, too. but now we have snow and school is cancelled so my midterm is cancelled and it is pushed to after spring break which means the week of me sitting around doing nothing is now the week of me sitting around doing nothing and trying not to worry about my midterm. and i just wanted to finish all of my midterms before spring break so that i would only have my independent study to think about. and now that is ruined. thanks a lot, snow.

speaking of snow, why is it that whenever a major storm is threatening to hit, people run out and buy milk? i mean, i get the rest of the groceries, but milk? you know what happens when there's a really bad storm? electricity tends to move on to somewhere less stormy. and milk goes bad without electricity. fast. and very disgustingly. i mean, i can barely tolerate keeping milk on the counter for the three seconds it takes to make chocolate milk. in fact, sometimes i pour the milk in the fridge and then gulp down my chocolate milk as fast as possible because ew unrefrigerated milk turns sour. and i know i am beyond extreme, but i do not understand why you would buy something that gets so gross without electricity the minute people tell you something is going to happen that may leave you electricityless. i mean, can you not go a few days without milk? really?

*I Just Don't Understand - The Beatles

I sit and wonder why-y-y oh why you left me, oh Sandy

while sandy was busy ripping apart buildings, flooding cities, and tearing out power lines and trees like some sort of temper tantrum, my husband, brothers (who were sleeping over), and i sat in our apartment with full electricity and made spaghetti and meatballs and pull apart garlic bread and watched the master of disguise. we were bundled up with blankets and hoodies because our heat had a cold, but apart from that we just listened to the rain and went to sleep and woke up to some cloudy skies and drizzle. (well, this was after spending monday morning at an almost empty chuck e cheese's.) yesterday we went bowling and aside from some puddles, i didn't see many after-effects of the hurricane, so i think it's safe to say that it passed us by without doing much of anything. if this wasn't such a good thing, i might be a little offended by the idea that hurricanes just do not like us. i mean, first irene and now sandy... they just really don't want to visit us at all.

this morning we woke up to sunny skies, but it's gradually getting cloudy again (which is kind of sad) and now i have to do the homework i've been putting off in gloomy weather. (it sucks that the class i like was cancelled on tuesday and the due date for the paper i had already done was pushed back a week but i will still have to be in class on thursday with the homework i have yet to look at.)

but enough about the weather. 

tomorrow is the first day of nanowrimo, and i still don't have a plot line for one of my characters who just needs to walk around the pages and have the readers like her until the end where she plays her part in the over-arching plot. i just can't find a situation to put her in that earns her the reader's sympathy without doing something that messes up the big plot of the story which is really not a very big part of the novel itself if that makes any sense. hopefully she'll work herself out because i have sort of started to dislike her a bit. she has fifty thousand words to try and fix that. 

*Sandy - John Travolta

all of the time we've lost

so yesterday was oddly very productive and very not productive. i mean, i spent two and a half hours listening to songs on youtube because it is time to update my ipod again, but then i didn't write down any of the songs i liked so at the end i just had a huge chuck of my life missing and nothing to show for it. i actually ended up downloading nothing. i guess i really wasn't in the mood.

but then i answered four chapters worth of questions for one of my qualifying exams so i'll have a sort of study guide thing to go through during christmas break before i take the test. four chapters. (out of thirty something.) some of the chapters had more than twenty questions, and most of the questions had an a,b,c,etc. i was pretty impressed. and then my phone started going crazy and an alarm was going off that sounded like the world was going to end and i had a heart attack. when i found my phone it turned out it was only trying to tell me to take shelter because there was a tornado in our area. after quieting it i spent half an hour sitting by the window watching the rain and wind. and after that i didn't feel like doing the homework that is actually do this thursday and i probably should have worked on before the study guide.

but i did email a bunch of professors that i've been meaning to email and set up meeting with a bunch of people. so that made me feel like i wasn't doing nothing. and i found out that if i didn't take the qual exams i am currently taking i could be finished with all of my classes this semester. and then i kinda freaked out because i don't have a committee picked out yet or an agreed upon thesis idea or really any idea what i'm doing so i started to wander around the internet. and then my cousin's husband emailed me asking for help on a college application so i helped him with the five short essays and felt very accomplished.

this is a boring post. i was originally going to write about the recurring dream i've been having for the past week, but as soon as i start to brush my teeth i completely forget it. i'm just left with the feeling in my gut - a mixture of stress and determination and something else - that it gives me and a vague feeling that it had to do with a forest. maybe. oh, and in case you were wondering, the shakespeare mattress does not have me dreaming in iambic pentameter. yet.

*Sleeping at the Wheel - Matchbox 20

'cause you're amazing

you know what's really amazing? pringles. like, the way the flavors of their chips taste exactly like whatever they're supposed to taste like. it really is the greatest achievement of the universe. i mean, i'm eating the mexican seven layered dip pringles, and my mouth thinks it's eating some kind of seven-layer nachos and my brain is telling it that it's just pringles because it can read the box (tube?) and my mouth is telling my brain to just shut up because it knows what it's eating and it is freaking nachos. i was obsessed with the cheeseburger pringles for a while, too. i never see them in stores anymore, though. do they still make them? also the honey mustard and the dill pickle ones. i mean, all the original flavors are awesome, but these crazy ones are just crazy with how perfect they are.

on another note, the weather today is gorgeous. so obviously i spent all morning at chuck e cheese's with my husband, sister, and nephews. because there is no better way to enjoy beautiful weather than to be cooped up in a dark little building filled with beeping games and shouting kids and tickets and pizza. i mean, duh. and then after that we spent an hour in petland fawning over the bunnies. (i think that i really decided to fulfill my inner fourth-grader's dream of having a pet rabbit. i mean, after i check if they're allowed in my apartment and after we come back from our maybe-overseas-travels in the summer of course. because this seems to be the year to resurrect my fourth grade self, relive obsessions, fulfill dreams, and then finally put her away and grow up. or something.)

oh, and i'm kind of in love with that song from the brave trailer. you should probably listen to it.

*Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

[day twenty-two: your jacket]

my jacket is one of those things of mine that a lot of people tell me i should upgrade, but that i love too much ever to replace. (i'm going to write this post about one specific jacket of mine, though i do have more than one.) plus it's still in perfect condition so i can't see why i should get rid of it. it's a long, puffy, black one that i got from esprit close to six years ago. it sits in the closet most of the year, but it's one of my favorite things about winter.

speaking of winter, i really wanted to have it this year. i really wanted cold days and snow. we had that one day of heavy snow back in... october, was it? something like that. anyway, after huge flakes falling all day, nothing stuck. then we had i think it was two other pathetic attempts at snow. there were a handful of cold days, but for the most part, winter was super mild. and now we completely skipped over spring and jumped right into eighty degree summer weather. i know tons of people who are happy about this, but i wanted winter. i want spring.

*Let It Snow - Jessica Simpson

and in one little moment it all implodes

[day eight: your sky]

i'm not sure how it happened, or when exactly, but sometime between the time that i closed my eyes to sleep and opened them hours later, the world was turned upside down. i looked up and saw the ground. i didn't bother looking down... i didn't think i could handle the vertigo that soon after waking up. my head was throbbing as it was. the rain must have turned to snow during the night, because the expanse of white went on forever. there were darker patches, patches that looked raised from the rest. those must be the people who had held on during the switch, covered in snow, probably frozen to death by now. right at the edge, where ground and sky still held each other in their eternal loving embrace, the sun was bathing the white in a soft gold, making it glow. it was beautiful.

on another note, this is a cool cover:



*This Isn't Everything You Are - Snow Patrol

i'll play guitar and knit and cook and basically just wonder when will my life begin?

so yesterday i went to get my hair cut, and i almost had a heart attack. with every clip of the scissors breathing became more and more difficult. i usually just take a few inches off the bottom, but yesterday i cut off an entire foot (possibly more?). i mean, it's still technically "long" in the sense of the word that any hair under the shoulder blades is long, but it feels so short. last night i was braiding it and half of my braid was missing. i don't know how people can cut their hair short.

also, yesterday we had snow. in october. it was weird. and today it is sunny. the weather is obviously on crack. but i got to wear my koala hat and an old man complimented me on it. you can guess how cool i felt.

on another note, i didn't want to be reading a book when nanowrimo started because i've noticed that my mind tends to unintentionally transfer stuff from the story i'm reading to the story i'm writing. not plagiarism or anything, but i was reading the help the other day and all my characters stared to talk with a southern twang they didnt have a week before. plus, it's harder to write crap when you're reading something that is not crap. very discouraging. so anyway, after i finished my last book i didn't pick up another and to fill the time i've been knitting. and washing dishes. and doing laundry. and baking. and i feel like rapunzel in the beginning of tangled. minus the book reading.



has anyone else noticed that october is taking a really long time to finish? usually september is the long month and october flies by. maybe only having one class this semester is messing with my [insert proper word here cause i can't think of it].

*When Will My Life Begin? - Mandy Moore

it's a beautiful day

today is just one of those days when the weather is perfect and there's good food and i can't seem to stop yawning and i've been productive and lazy at the same time and i kind of just want to sit and stare off into the distance for the rest of eternity. you know the ones?

anyway, i was resubmitting a form for my phd application in person this morning because mason is pernickety and can't seem to understand the concept that if i had in-state tuition for undergrad, and i had in-state tuition for my masters, and i haven't left the state, that i should get in-state tuition for my phd... you know, if i get accepted and everything. so i'm giving in my form and the admissions person says, "are you anisah's sister?" which i am and had to confess to, but it struck me how for most of my life i've been referred to as someone's sister. i'm rarely just me, and i think i might kind of like to be once and a while.

i don't think i'll be able to do much concentrating in class tonight. it feels like i haven't been to class in years because last week's was cancelled and i think i might have forgotten how to go to class and sit and pay attention and learn. if ever there was a day when classes should be cancelled so we could all contemplate the whiteness of the walls, today is it. i think the breeze coming in through the window is messing with my brain.

a part of me really wants to sleep right now. another parts wants to go sit outside and let the sun beat on my back and read the book that for some reason is taking me forever to read. instead, i have to keep reminding myself that i have a class to go to tonight. yawn.

since i can't seem to hold on to a point here, please enjoy this video that i find quite awesome.



*Beautiful Day - U2

sail away, kill off the hours, you belong somewhere you feel free

i really want to write. or bake. or paint. or cook. or basically do anything that can be considered even slightly creative. i have that itch that makes me not want to turn into a fat blob of boringness. unfortunately, my body decided to have a civil war and there's a battle raging in my throat at the moment and someone's cannon keeps misfiring and sending shots to my head. also, my apartment has taken the change of weather as inspiration to start a new career. he's trying his luck as a refrigerator right now. i'm not sure if the chills and goosebumps are because of the war or the refusal to warm up, but any longer like this and i might as well give up my human card and turn into a full fledged bird. hey, at least they get to leave when it gets cold. (though chilly fall days and cold winter ones are usually some of my favorite days of the year.)

i think baking chocolate chip cookies would help the soldiers agree on a peace treaty and the apartment realize that refrigerators never get to smell like fresh baked cookies and pretty much make the world a better place, but i can't drag myself off this couch and out from under this blanket, and it's very sad. especially because i've been wanting to bake cookies for a very long time, and there's always something that comes up to stop me.

i also woke up to find that snow white was not keeping a very good eye on her dwarfs and that grumpy (who was always my favorite) has decided to possess me. yup, he's living inside my head at this very moment. he'd say hi, but he doesn't really like you all that much. and grumpy people just do not go around baking cookies and whistling while they work. (do any of you remember what book it was that had snow white really fat and evil and the dwarfs were pretty much her slaves? was that the book of lost things? does anyone know? i'm usually the person people come to with these kinds of questions. it's annoying me that i don't know.)

anyway, i'm going to continue listlessly flipping through web pages and hoping that i suddenly decide to get up and bake.

oh, and as for the title, tom petty's widlflowers has been stuck in my head lately. i have no idea why since i really haven't listened to it since the summer.

*Wildflowers - Tom Petty

you disappoint me

today is just one of those days where looking at me will get you blacklisted and talking to me should make you fear for your life. you know the kind? i'm trying to read to pass the time until i can eat, but the characters are all annoying me too much.

anyway, it occurred to me that after a couple of posts talking about hurricane irene and the end of the world, i should probably mention how very anticlimactic irene turned out to be. at least for the area i was in. there was some rain, yes, but nothing too bad. we had a little wind, but we've had a lot worse. i couldn't even hear it howling outside, something i actually really like. the electricity didn't flicker, let alone go off. i had phone, internet, and tv up until i went to bed. early. i woke up the next morning to blue skies and sun. there weren't even any puddles outside (at least, nothing i could see from my window). all in all, i was a bit disappointed.

don't get me wrong, i'm thankful that there wasn't any damage for us to deal with, but i was gearing up for a good old storm. i wanted pounding rain and howling winds. i wanted power outages and candlelight. one of my favorite childhood memories happened when i was in fourth grade. we were living in california at the time and it was in the middle of el nino. we had a bad storm and were powerless for what i remember to be the better part of a day, but of course time seemed longer to my nine year old self. it might have just been a few hours. it was during ramadan and my dad cooked the food to break our fast in our fireplace. i remember playing charades by candlelight in my pajamas and how the house seemed different when viewed by flashlight. it was exciting, though we didn't really do anything too out of the ordinary that day. since then i have loved power outages. they bring with them the bittersweet nostalgia that tells of better days.

so to be told that we were having the biggest hurricane in the history of the world and to stock up on food and get ready for loss of power, ending up with a little rain and wind was pretty disappointing.

*Passive - A Perfect Circle

fill their heads with rumors of impending doom, it must be true

hurricanes and earthquakes and floods, oh my.

with the natural disasters coming at us like a swarm of mosquitos by a lake on the first day of summer, it's hard to deny the cold hard facts: the world is ending. you can close your eyes, shove your fingers in your ears, and sing yankee doodle at the top of your lungs all you want, but it doesn't change anything. we're witnessing the final act in this play of life. the curtain is getting ready to close and the actors are thinking about where to go for dinner after the final bow is made and the last of the make up wiped off. that's it, people, it's all done.

you know who i blame? nasa. or whoever it was that took away pluto's claim to planetship. it was five years ago yesterday that pluto was demoted from planet to orbiting space rock, and it's obvious that earth has not been taking the demotion too well. were there floods and earthquakes destroying countries every time you blinked when pluto was a planet? no. were there wars breaking out like acne on a teenager (not my best metaphor, but just go with it)? no. were there award shows where twilight beat harry potter in every category? definitely not.

there are sharks swimming in streets, people revolting over spilled milk, and lady gaga is getting more famous as you read this. and don't forget about the mass animal suicides earlier this year. i mean, now they're not such a mystery; they were just getting a head start on all of this.

now, if you're like me, then you really haven't accomplished anything worthwhile in your life, and any chances you might have had are never gonna reach you what with none of us existing in a few weeks time. so leave the fame and notoriety to disney stars, justin bieber, and stephenie meyer and spend your last few days doing something really worthwhile. when hurricane irene hits us this weekend, i, for one, will have no regrets about wasted time. for example, yesterday while watching doug, skeeter mentioned that one of the important things he learned as a bluff scout was how to keep your cereal crunchy, even in milk. i think spending the last days of my life trying to figure this out would be a great use of my time.

what are you going to do while the world falls to pieces around you?

*Losing Touch - The Killers

and i just wanna get mugged at knife point, to get cut enough to wake me up

as i'm sure most of you know, the virginia/dc area had a pretty big earthquake yesterday (a 5.8). i've felt a couple of earthquakes in my life, both here and in california, but nowhere near the scale of this one. i was sitting in my apartment on the third floor going my turn on facebook scrabble games with my sister while my husband played crash racing on the playstation when everything started shaking. i was woken up yesterday by our neighbors downstairs who were getting new carpet put in and felt that in order to do that they should bang around and generally make as much noise as humanly possible. so when the shaking first started i just assumed it was from them. when it turned into a real things-falling-down-walls-vibrating-oh-look-my-chair's-moving sort of thing, i kinda figured what it was. so i sat in my chair, waited a bit for the shaking to go down to vibrating, said, "huh. that was cool," and finished playing my turn.

when i closed out of the games, statuses were of course talking of nothing but the earthquake. everyone was saying how scared they were, how they thought they were going to die, how their life flashed before their eyes. the only thing i felt during the earthquake was a slight annoyance that the harry potter plaque i made in high school had fallen down and i would have to go check if it was cracked again. (laziness at its finest, people.) and suddenly i was so incredibly jealous of these people. most of you probably weren't reading my blog back then, but i remember once wishing for a near death experience to kind of wake me up, if you will. i needed something drastic to happen to pull me out of my perpetual apathy. two years or so later, and i still feel that i could use a jolt that only fearing for my life can give me to really get my act together. after talking to my mom, mother-in-law, and grandma (thank god for voip phones when cell reception is down and you have worried mothers) my jealousy for lack of a better word just increased because here they were scared and worried when two of them are on the other side of the world right now and none of them felt the earthquake. if just hearing/reading about it could scare them enough, why couldn't experiencing it shake me at all?

i started thinking, and you know, i don't think i have ever actually been afraid for my life. i have been in countless almost accidents (my sister can be a crazy driver), a couple of accidents (nothing actually really bad to anyone but the car/bus), i've spent a night on the kitchen floor too sick to get up because all of the tylenol in my system i overdosed on, i ride on planes at least twice a year and haven't worn my seat belt on them since i was ten, my school has had bomb threats, i've had creepy people follow me to my car, and countless other things have happened that might make a normal person a little scared for his/her life... but me? nothing. i mean, sure, i'm terrified of death. i think besides failure and not measuring up it's the thing i'm most scared of. but i have never been terrified for my life, and i kind of want to be. i want to suddenly appreciate this thing that i have always taken for granted. i want to be forced to recognize that it is something precious. i want to be pulled out of this black hole of apathy and depression and realize that there's something worth living for, even if it's just life itself.

but i don't. i let opportunities for near death experiences pass me by. i let chances of fear turn into afterthoughts. i let the apathy win out every. single. time.

*This Week the Trend - Relient K

the sun is out

you know what i miss about london? its weather. i mean, sure, we had some days that were ridiculously cold for summer or even spring. there was rain one second and sun the next and there was really no point in trying to dress for the weather because every time we blinked it was different. and yes, i did leave with a cold that i'm attributing to the changing weather. but still, it was so nice there, and the last couple of days were absolutely beautiful. and then we come back to the wonderful dc and its lovely heat wave and i never want to move from in front of my air conditioner again. yesterday evening it was a hundred and four degrees outside. how is that even legal? i mean, if people have sued termites for eating their houses and whatnot, why has no one started a case against the sun for cooking humanity?

you know what else i miss? at every crosswalk, painted on the street right by the curb, were the words "look left" or "look right." i'm not sure why exactly i fell so in love with that idea, but after a lifetime of being told to look both ways before crossing the street this just seemed so much better.

other small things that were different were: stop lights turn yellow before both red and green instead of just red, they have tkmaxx instead of tjmaxx, and their soft serve ice cream is a lot creamier/heavier/whatever than ours (but still awesome).

anyway, i'm going to continue to sit here in the air conditioned apartment and convince myself that since we got so much stuff yesterday i do not have to enter the heat ever again. i'll go outside when fall gets here.

*Dear Prudence - The Beatles

where was it that we last left off?

let me start off by saying that it is hot. really really hot. so hot that when the thermostat thingie last night said that the temperature in the apartment went down to 90 degrees, we were really excited. right now i'm sitting in the bedroom right next to the window with the fan going so it is not so bad, but the minute you step out of this room you might as well just step right into the oven. you probably wouldn't notice the difference. (our air conditioner is broken.)

anyway, back to the wedding. we left off right before we got to the hall, right? so we get to the right floor and the people outside the entrance to the hall are all really surprised to see us. apparently they didn't expect us so soon, though we were technically supposed to go up at ten and it was now eleven:thirty. so we wait outside of the hall on a couch for about ten minutes. or, my husband waited on the couch and i stood next to it because there was no way i was going to risk messing up my dress after the commotion it was to make it look like it wasn't shoved into a suitcase and carried across the world.

we were originally supposed to walk in together, but the hotel people thought it would be nicer for him to walk in first from one door and then for me to walk in from another. so we did. we met up on this small platform type thingie in the back of the hall and then proceeded the step-feet together-pause-step walk down the aisle with the photographer three steps ahead of us video taping and people sitting around us and my younger sister popping up and making me laugh everywhere i turned around. 

when we got to the end of the aisle, we climbed up a few steps to the stage, exchanged rings (which was actually a bit harder than it would seem because someone tried to put it on the wrong finger. hint: the someone was not wearing a wedding dress). after that, we went to cut the cake. we cut through each of the layers and the hotel person cut us a piece to eat or whatever. the first bite we fed each other ended up half down my dress (i mentioned it was big, right?). the second bite i think was when the two forks were held together and we each took a bite. the lady had cut too big of a piece for my fork and half of it ended up falling out of my mouth. the photographer wanted a picture of the cake eating without anything falling on my side, so we had another bite and i think that one ended up okay. 

we then went and sat down on the love seat on stage for us and shared a drink of some really really good strawberry juice that i really wanted to finish because it was so good but that was taken away after a sip. then after a minute of sitting we stood back up for our first dance or whatever (song: first day of my life by bright eyes). after that we sat back down and our moms came up to the stage to hug and tear up and say typical wedding day things like congrats and you look so pretty. then i was presented with a jewelry set from him which was really really pretty but i think i forgot to take a picture of it. 

after that my dad, uncles, and brothers came in and congratulated me and my aunts came up for a family picture (two days after the wedding my cousin told me that for these family pictures we had pretty much pushed the groom out of the way and put people in front of him. yeah, oops). after the pictures were taken it was a flood of family members coming up onto the stage, a little bit of dancing, and then my uncles and everyone left. a bit after that my husband left. then my friends came up onto the stage who i haven't seen since high school graduation. it was really awesome seeing them though they gave me a bit of an inferiority complex because they got so tall and skinny and pretty and one's a college professor and the other one's working at a bank and i look the exact same as i did five years ago and am hiding from the real world and jobs in school. but despite all the differences they were the same and it was awesome. 

each of these steps were done to a different song or song clip, most of which were chosen by me but a couple were suggested by the dj lady and cousins and then approved by me. 

then i took a bunch of pictures with everyone and they opened the buffet. traditionally, the bride will wait on the stage and someone will bring her a plate and she'll just sit there while everyone eats and people will go up and talk to her if they want to. i have never really seen the point of that and instead went into the buffet with my cousin's daughters. and oh my god the reactions i got. i honestly did not think it was going to be a big deal, but apparently it is just not the way things work. my cousin kept telling me that i was supposed to be special and have stuff brought to me and my aunt was saying that i shouldn't be there and i kept trying to explain that i wanted to sit with my family and friends and not eat alone on a stage with a bunch of flowers to talk to. (two days later, my cousin was still talking about it.) i ended up at a table with my mom and sisters and it was fun. after that, my friend came up to us to tell us some bad news. my sister's camera had died early in the wedding and instead of going up to the room to take mine, she had borrowed my friend's camera. apparently though, i dunno how, none of the pictures she had taken were actually taken. maybe she was pressing the wrong button? no one knows, but there were no pictures. so i retook a bunch of pictures with people with my cousin's camera and then my friends, sisters, and a couple of cousins went back to the stage to dance. 

after a couple of hours, it was just four cousins and my sisters half dancing and half just standing on stage talking. they left and at two:thirty we started getting ready to go, collecting our stuff and whatnot. i think i got back to the hotel room at around three and then i proceeded to take out a million and seven bobby pins from my hair and peel off the dress which now had cake and flower petals in it and try to brush out the poof of spray and hair that was on my head and wipe of layers and layers of makeup. all while i was suddenly hit with a wave of pent up exhaustion and was trying to convince myself that this all really did have to be done before i could sleep.

the whole thing was a lot of fun, though. 

*Lying is the Most Funb a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off - Panic! at the Disco