Monday, October 13, 2014

i swear that you've got me all wrong

first of all, i don't know how anyone expects me to get anything done with this weather. like, seriously, there are freaking dementors wandering around outside and you want me to do research? or make bank calls? or harass real estate agents? or grade stuff? or do dishes? or clean out my closet? yeah, okay. this weather clearly calls for hiding out at hogwarts in a book and snacking on junk all day long. (except i am actually really hungry for real food, but we don't have any food in the house because i've been at my parents house for so long - it;s my first day back. and i also don't feel like cooking. i just want cheese enchiladas to appear in front of me with a side of rice and beans. i would be perfectly happy with a bagel with lox and cream cheese, too. oh, and i did laundry, so i guess it's the day for getting some stuff done.)

this brings us to my second point (well, let's pretend it does): my adviser has some tragically misguided ideas about me, and i don't know how to tell him that he's wrong. see, all of his other students are at his office constantly asking him for help and getting his opinion and showing him their results and whatever else one does with an academic adviser, i'm sure. i'm obviously not doing that.

when he talked to my third committee member, he told her that i am a really hardworking and independent student. i thought he was just saying that so that she'd work with me. it turns out that, no, he actually thinks that i have been sitting at home working on my dissertation instead of actively partaking in self-sabotage and procrastination. it would be funny if it wasn't so sad. see, i used to be that type of student that he thinks i am. i used to set myself deadlines and get my stuff done when it needed to be done. i used to work by myself and show up after a long absence with a completed project worthy of publication. (not my words. i'm surprisingly not that arrogant.) but now? now i have all but given up on my work. i have zero motivation and even less self-discipline. i am so over school but don't have the guts (or the ego) to let anyone else know and just drop out. or take a break. or something.

my adviser set up a research group of sorts for all of his students and anyone else who wanted to join. he subtly hinted that maybe i should present my work this week. (i think he just wants to know how far i am and doesn't want to come out and just ask me.) he actually thinks i have work done, you guys. i don't know how to break it to him that i've tried, i really have, and i just can't bring myself to do anything on this stupid project. it's part laziness, part procrastination, part being burned out, and part spite (because i am passive-aggressive and stupid and just realized this recently but i think i am stubbornly refusing to do any work on this to spite the people who are so invested in it. idiotic, i know.)

i might have to come up with some mysterious illness wednesday night. and then maybe in the next two weeks i can throw something together to give a presentation about? maybe? hopefully?

(i also just read a fanfiction piece about james and sirius right after sirius fell through the veil, and now i'm sad. and hungry. this weather, man.)

*As Lovers Go - Dashboard Confessionals

1 comment:

  1. i read that fan fiction and actually moaned with misery.