Thursday, September 30, 2010

my head is pounding like rolling thunder

i am sitting in the library at mason, wasting time until it is time to go home. it's ten, so there's really no one on campus to amuse me. all my emails have been checked, facebook has been checked, blackboard has been checked, the option of starting any of my assignments has been scratched off my to-do list and the list has been thrown away. i come to blogger, thinking that i'll read some blogs and live vicariously through other people's days, but do you know how many blogs i follow were updated recently?? not a lot, i can tell you that. i read all of them in ten minutes. why has everyone decided to slack off on blogging when i need amusement?

here's my story of the day that you guys can live vicariously through if you want to, though why you would is beyond me:

so i was sitting in the dentist's office waiting room this afternoon for over an hour. they had this really nice tv about a foot away from where i was sitting playing a slideshow type advertisement for their office over an over and over again. the thing was about five minutes long and just repeated nonstop. at the start of the "show" for lack of a better word, a question comes up on the screen asking the viewer "are you anxious about visits to the dentist?" with the words fear and anxiety flying around the screen in a million different fonts. from a strictly IT point of view, a lot could have been improved from the design angle, but i mean, whatever. then, the screen fades to black, and in big silver letters in the middle of the screen pops up "your not alone." if you don't see what's wrong with that sentence, then i'm pretty sure i hate you. okay, so not really, but i think you should go learn grammar. your/you're confusion gets under my skin. i realize that slip-ups will happen, but in something that you are using to promote your business, in an ad that you will subject your patients to watch on repeat while they sit in your waiting room, you would think that you could get someone to edit it a bit. or at least just read over it. gah, it annoyed me so much. and, i dunno, i dont think i wanna go to a dentist that doesn't know the basics of english grammar.

oh, and my head hurts. stupid contacts.

*Where Do You Go - No Mercy

Monday, September 27, 2010

one stubborn way to turn your back

i recently witnessed a Twilight vs The Hunger Games fight, because, as you know, it is impossible to like both book series. and since you can't like both, you obviously can't tolerate being in the same vicinity of someone who does not enjoy the same series you do. it's common sense, really. it reminded me of the whole, Twilight vs Harry Potter thing that was going on (and might still be, i have to admit i'm not really up to date on most fandoms).

some of you may be wondering just what exactly is so necessary about choosing one series, one author, one book to love and defend to the death while adamantly refusing to even consider the fact that other people may like a different one better. well, besides the obvious reason that it's just not cool to allow more than one thought to live inside your brain, it is definitely impossible to call yourself a fan of something, to say that you loved or even liked it, when you are saying that you like something else too... even a little. and if that's true, then logically you can't expect the enlightened fans of one series to breathe the same air as the ignorant followers of another. that's simply unheard of.

and of course the books (Twilight, HP, THG) are constantly pitted against each other because they are just so similar, which only adds to the reason why you can't possibly like more than one of them let alone put all three on the same shelf. i mean, all three of them are children's books which successfully crossed over to adult audiences. they were all written by women. all of them are capable of fully throwing you into a world similar but completely different from our own. they all got kids reading. they all have um... characters (good and bad), and... uh... some sort of plot that they follow. they are all written in english and have chapters and titles and covers and hundreds of pages... see? practically the same series repeated three times.

is it possible for someone to not like one of the series for the sole reason that they did not like it (having nothing to do with their loyalty to another one)? yes, as long as it's the right series. is it possible for someone to hate all of them? yes, but we're too busy ignoring those people to care what they think. and is it possible to think that all of the books have their strong and weak points? no. absolutely not.

so basically, it is time you look through your books and choose the one that you like and throw the rest away. then, spend all of your time looking for people that don't agree with your choice and get into ridiculously huge arguments with them over it. all the cool kids are doing it.

*You Only Live Once - The Strokes

Friday, September 24, 2010

lately there's been too much of this

i have to say, the way things have been going lately has just been draining me. everywhere i turn there are things waiting impatiently to be done, tapping their toes and letting out overly dramatic sighs. it seems that if something, anything, can go wrong, it most definitely will. i wake up every morning and go through five days before night finally comes and i can lay in bed trying to find relief in another restless night. tears are not hiding behind every corner, they are waterfalling down buildings and flooding streets, but not from me. i'm denied the little comfort tears can bring. stupidity is running rampant, and it seems that no one is immune to it. i am tired of trying to just hold out for tomorrow, because tomorrow is no better than today. it hasn't been in a long time. i'm tired.

"I'm too tired or too numb to cry. The only thing I feel is a desire to be somewhere else." 
~Katniss, The Hunger Games

on a happier note, or at least a funnier one, let me share with you all a story someone in my class shared with us today about how completely tech-challenged some people still are today. so the kid in my class works in tech support and went today to help someone in person who couldn't be helped on the phone. when he went to the dude's office (an older guy) he found him sitting at his desk, looking confusedly at his screen, with his cd drive open holding his coffee. yes, the guy actually honestly thought that the cd drive was a cup holder built in to his computer. like he really really thought that. the kid had to explain to him that his cup holder was in fact where you would put CDs and DVDs and stuff. maybe it's just because i grew up with computers, but it amazes me how much people just don't understand about them. it's a little sad, but gives us entertaining stories to listen to during a long and boring lecture.

*Someday - Nickelback

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

everything, it seems, i like's a little bit sweeter, a little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

so i just ate a pack of coconut m&ms, dipping each one in nutella before eating it. i feel like a colossal fatty. it was really good, though, if you could get over the fact that i was probably inhaling more calories for my little snack than if i went downstairs and made myself an actual lunch.

also, yesterday my sisters, nephew, and i went to a pet store, and i met the most adorable rabbit in the entire world. actually, there were three that i wanted, but this one was the most. i have half a mind to go back and buy him. he was just so cute.

is he not adorable? do you not want to take him home with you and keep him forever?

this is him being a fatty and sitting in the bowl to eat so no one else could share the food.

despite the fact that the bunny was the cutest pet in the history of pets, i really hate pet stores. i can't walk by the dogs and cats without wanting to cry. 

*Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk - Rufus Wainwright

got a short little span of attention

if we were social networks, i would currently be twitter. i am living in short bursts of a hundred and forty characters or less.

burst of studiousness: i do half my assignment well and think of a paper topic for my other class. suddenly, my brain won't absorb or create anything school-related.

burst of energy: lasts as long as one game of pool at mason with my sister and singing our lungs out on the way home. now [then] i am drained. 

burst of writing: as their failure is still fresh, as their hearts are newly broken, as wounds have just opened and begun to sting, he whispers, "why?" "because every time you built a bridge, i built a wall." the end. the only writing i have managed to do sucks and does not even complete two lines :/

burst of blogging: after almost a week of nothing, this is all i can come up with in a sudden desire to blog. 

bursts of happiness. bursts of sadness. bursts of apathy.

but there's no energy, or will, or reason to keep any of them around for longer than that initial burst.

my life: coming in short bursts of a hundred and forty characters or less. 

*You Can Call On Me - Paul Simon 

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it and you'll ask yourself, "where is my mind?"

i was sitting on my bed this morning trying my hardest to work up the motivation to start an assignment that may or may not be due tomorrow night, but my brain could just not focus on the fact that homework needs to be done. it preferred to stay tangled in fictional plots and get lost in the lyrics of my music and basically just avoid reality. it has completely shut off, abandoned me in my time of need. i think there are too many things fighting for my attention that my brain has taken the easy way out and just decided to ignore everything - the good, the bad, and the greys in between. nothing going on right now can hold my attention long enough to matter. i just don't want to think about anything. my thoughts are completely consumed by books, movies, music, and basically any other mindless form of escape from reality they can find. this means that i'm getting a lot of reading done, which is great, but not a whole bunch of anything else. anything that ends with -work is hopeless, conversations take more effort than they should, writing requires too much brainpower to attempt.

yes, avoidance is probably not the smartest or healthiest course of action right now, but what can i say? it's always been my go-to method for dealing with things and change just seems like too much trouble at the moment. i did manage to finish the paper due tonight, so i'm not too pressed about this yet, but i figure i'll need to jump-start my brain soon and start to think, process, and deal. let me tell you, the prospect does not sound too appealing.

also, the light breeze coming in through my window seems to be designed for the sole purpose of scattering thoughts and who am i to argue with nature? or with amazon, for that matter, which is contributing to my runaway mind with their rewards of music and movie credits. think or download a bunch of new songs that amazon will kindly pay for? i think it's pretty obvious what i'm choosing to spend the rest of the day on.

*Where Is My Mind - Pixies

Friday, September 10, 2010

did you ever know that you're my hero?

today started off with me waking up to settle a fight that was raging between my brothers. i should have known from then what this day was going to turn into. not even when vacuuming took two and a half hours instead of fifteen minutes did i realize that this was just not going to be a good day. it didn't really hit me until i was sitting in class suffering through another hour plus lecture about public key encryption. i mean, after three and a half years of undergrad learning this same thing over and over and over, i honestly thought i was done with it. i honestly thought that moving on to my master's would at least get me some new lecture material. i was obviously very wrong.

we get out an hour early, which would usually be a good thing, but i had to wait for my sister to get back from prince william before i could go home. and after having my brain drugged to sleep by my class, i just really really wanted to get home. my sister got back at eleven. we walk to the parking garage and i click the remote, but the car doesn't beep. i think i just must be too far and click it again when we get closer. still no beep.

great, i think. the battery must have died. i have lots of experience with dead car batteries, but that's a story for another day. anyway, i unlock the car with the key and the alarm goes off. that doesn't happen when your battery dies, in case you didn't know. that thing is super loud and it. wouldn't. stop. and the car wouldn't start. i call the non-emergency police and get them to send a car to jump ours. you know, just in case. it takes them about ten or fifteen minutes of waiting with the hood up, with the alarm blaring, echoing in the empty garage. needless to say, my ears were ringing. the dude comes and i fill out the waiver forms and then he goes to jump my car, only it doesn't work. because, like i thought, nothing was wrong with the battery. he's sitting there trying to talk over the wailing alarm, when we see two police men walking towards us.

apparently, they heard the ongoing alarm from their office which is across the street and a bit away from the parking garage. they thought someone was trying to steal a car or something. so now the jumper guy and two police men are trying to figure out what's wrong with the car. one of the police dudes is asking for a screwdriver to try and unscrew something or other on the battery to restart the system or something. i couldn't hear much. right when the jumper dude says that he doesn't have tools, another policeman in his car drives up to see what the commotion is. they all fiddle around under the hood for a while as my sister tries to subtly take pictures of them, though it was really not subtle.

anyway, one walking police guy finally gets a ride with the driving one back to his car where he was awesome enough to have a toolbox. he starts unscrewing stuff and then says that he's gonna disconnect our alarm for a bit because it was driving him insane. he does, and in the silence that follows, our car can finally start. he reconnects everything, says the problem looks like it was from the way that the alarm was connected, and we are able to go on our way... after thanking them all profusely. they are my heroes.

thing is, this car was just at the mechanic's yesterday. they were checking why the ABS light wouldn't turn off. i was pretty sure they fixed it cause the light didn't turn on all day. when the police dude fixed our car, the light immediately flicked back on. whatever. i'd so rather have that than the alarm. anyway, we get home at around twelve. and i have to wake up early tomorrow. yay.

also, today i've consumed more calories than i know what to do with. boredom + bad day will do that to you.

not to say that the entire day was bad, though. it had its bright spots. one of which was that i finally finished darkness. there's an email in my drafts waiting to be proofread for you, hannah, because i'm sure it's chock full of typos and grammar mistakes. i'll probably send it out to you tomorrow.

*Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler

Monday, September 6, 2010

all the small things

It's just that every day from the second I wake up till the second I pass out cold, my day, like the day of almost every other mother I know, is made up of a series of concrete, specific actions. And they're actions that kind of wear away at passion, if you know what I mean. The actions are petty and small like... Like refilling coffee cups or folding underwear. But they accumulate in this really debilitating way that diminishes my ability to focus on almost anything else. Bigger things like, you know, ideas or...politics or dreams of a better life.
 ~Motherhood, 2009

i watched this movie yesterday, and this quote was just so true. i could totally relate to the feeling. there are times when your (my) life gets too caught up in the small routine things: wake up. wash up. get dressed. go to school. clean house. do laundry. make lunches. check mail. and whatever else. when you repeat these things enough times, that's all your life becomes. and suddenly, i can't read, i can't write, i can't focus on anything but folding clothes and cleaning ovens and scrubbing toilets. dreams get lost between kids' homework and dirty dishes, and before i know it, days/weeks/months of my life have suddenly disappeared.

according to my sister, the movie was too real to be enjoyable. it was like watching your life ten years into the future and knowing that there's nothing you can do to make it any better cause that's just about as good as it gets. no sparkle, no grand dramatic moments that change the world, no fairy godmother with her magic wand... just real life.

also, the fact that i related to this movie annoys me. it's like how my amazon shopping cart is filled with books i refuse to buy and recommendations i refuse to listen to because they all relate to either middle-aged women or mothers struggling to keep their heads above water. last time i checked, i was neither of these. and the fact that apparently that's one of the groups i relate to most depresses me.

*All the Small Things - Blink-182

Saturday, September 4, 2010

you said it'd be forever and that was your vow, and you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down

what is it about IT guys that makes them unable to have successful marriages?? every professor i've had has had stories about wife number one and wife number two and sometimes even a wife number three. okay, so maybe not every one, but i think the number of professors i've had that were only married once could be counted on one hand. and  they were either married to women in IT or pretty young so who knows what the future holds for them. and it's not only professors. the guest we had in class the other night (some 100 year old IT guy who didnt wear socks) had stories about his ex-wife doing this and his ex-wife saying that.

is the divorce rate in the IT industry higher than anywhere else or do the divorced IT guys all just find their way to my school to share horror stories about their exes?

is it the fact that these dudes are so in love with technology and their gadgets that they don't leave any room in their hearts for their wives? and i mean, who wants to spend the rest of forever competing with an electrical box?

or maybe it's the fact that they are just so into the engineering and putting things together kind of stuff that they cant process or deal with humans and their emotions and nonsensical wiring?

or is it the fact that IT guys are known for being socially awkward and that just ruins any chances of "til death do us part" that they might have had?

or maybe it's because of something so completely different that i will just never understand.

whatever the reason, judging from what i've seen, you may want to think twice before involving yourself with one of them. this is what i think about during classes. i don't think i'm doing the whole go-learn-stuff thing right.

*Dry Your Eyes - The Streets

Thursday, September 2, 2010

that's too sad, i can't write that

in case any of you hadn't realized, i'm back home, picking my life up exactly where it left off. which may or may not account for my lack of blog posts. i'm not exactly sure. i read mockingjay which was slightly disappointing, as expected. i got LOST which is the prettiest boxed set of DVDs i've ever seen, though i still haven't watched it. i still haven't gotten my copy of darkness because someone has the worst memory in the world and/or refuses to bring it but is always at our house so i cant even go to hers and pick it up.

while school doesn't seem like it'll be bad at all, one of my classes is super awkward. mainly because it looks like i am the only student in the class. i didnt even think it was possible to hold a class with only one student, but apparently it is. do you know how hard it is to pay attention for three hours straight as someone drones on and on about stuff you already learned last semester with this same guy? now add to that a notebook begging to be doodled in and a computer begging to be used. agony. also, whenever i go to write something down he has no one to talk to and keeps saying "it's on the slides, you don't have to write this." maybe i want to write it, dude. and being the only person in the class makes ditching impossible. the good thing is that he curves and said he still will so i'll have to work really hard not to get an A. 

also, i think i've forgotten how to write. kinda. like i've been starting a bunch of pieces that i really like, but after the beginning few lines, i suddenly forget how to continue. some of them stop literally mid-sentence. it's ridiculous and very annoying. this may also be why i have to force myself to blog right now in an attempt to get through the block. maybe i'm just jetlagged?? i dunno.

*I Cant Write That - Jeff Bates