Thursday, December 30, 2010

just sleep

yesterday i was talking to my fiance and i said something along the lines of "no matter what's going on in my life or how i'm feeling or whatever, i sleep. i always sleep. nothing ever comes between me and my sleep." (which, by the way, cannot be farther from the truth. in fact, just the night before had been spent in fitful bursts of half-sleep because i was waiting for my alarm to go off because i was convinced i would oversleep and miss the appointment my sister and i had to go to. sometimes i say things with full conviction and then later realize that they are total lies. like once, i said that i don't read series. later, i realized that i read more series that i can count, but at the moment i was totally convinced it was true.) so anyway, that was apparently taken as a challenge by the universe or my body or something.

cue last night, it's getting close to when i usually sleep (yes, i'm old and have a usual bedtime. sue me.) and i am not in the least bit tired. so i decide to start watching the first season of boy meets world. i get through most of it (i think i have one, possibly two, episodes left). i look at the clock and decide that i should be asleep because there are handwriting packets that need to be done and arabic stories that need to be summarized and all before ten because that's apparently when elementary school boys' minds shut off. i turn off joe and try to go to sleep, but i am completely untired. i am also completely uncomfortable. while i have gotten used to the box of springs i sleep on when my grandma is here, my body was seemingly in revolt last night. or the mattress was. either way, i could not get in a position that did not include metal springs digging into my ribs. i think the springs might have multiplied or something, but it was not fun.

while i was trying to get comfortable, i was writing out this blog post  in the back of my mind. i have no idea why. it didn't sound anything like this because i have a leaky faucet in the back of my mind too that was drip drip dripping all night causing the ink of the post to run. it's completely unreadable now. blame the unsolicited worries that keep nagging me.

anyway, i must have fallen asleep because next thing i know i hear ali running down the stairs screaming, "abdullah sarah said yes! she's coming to make you breakfast." at which point i wake up and scream back, "no i'm not" before realizing i would probably end up waking my sister and grandma and pulled myself out of bed. grumpy from lack of sleep, i very ungraciously make my brother breakfast at six before burying under my covers and trying once again to get to sleep.

but while i woke up later feeling slightly resentful towards boy meets world and bagels, the handwriting packet is done which leaves only an arabic story to be read and summarized before homework for the day can be called complete.

*Sleep - My Chemical Romance

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

you know, you ruined my night's rest

so things have been... tense at my house lately, to say the least, but in the midst of all the blechness floating around, i made butterbeer cupcakes yesterday which made me happy. who doesn't get happy when mixing baking and harry potter, let me ask you.

anyway, the latest book i'm reading with my brothers is the secret garden. my sister was obsessed with the movie growing up, and i remember when i first found out it was based on a book, i was floored. when i shared this mind-blowing news with my mom, though, she was less impressed. turns out she, and about a million other people, already knew. she told me that all the really good movies are based on books, and fifteen or so years later, i think i havta agree. while my brothers were not immediately drawn into the book, it's caught their attention now and while "it's no ella enchanted, bfg, or the castle in the attic, they have to say that it is pretty good."

also, one of my professors for next semester just emailed all of us. he said to check the blackboard info about the term paper which we have to have a topic for the first or second week of class. reading the assignment description made me nauseous (random side note: i hate writing this word, it always looks misspelled to me). it's that feeling of nerves mixed with something else you get before you decide that you are going to do awesome and there is absolutely no point stressing over anything. you know the one? anyway, i'm not in the right mood to be confident of my ability to do awesome, and so he basically just ruined my night. thank you mr. osgood.

i am off to eat a cupcake and lose myself in a fictional world until i can figure out what part of "winter break" can be confused with "extra pre-class time to assign stuff in."

*Keep Your Man in Mind - Billy Childish

Friday, December 24, 2010

must be santa, santa claus

being the christmas season, you cannot turn on your tv anymore without every commercial playing some twist on a christmas carol that gets stuck in your head for days, raving about all the great sales they have for last minute shoppers, or claiming that they have what santa does not.

(side note: on monday, there was this kid (read:twenty something year old) on the bus who thought christmas was the twenty sixth. his friend corrected him, in the midst of mocking his stupidity, and let him know that christmas is really the twenty fourth. i'm not christian and haven't celebrated christmas for fifteen years, but even i know what day it's on. when i was telling this to my sister, though, she said, "haha it's the thirtieth, right? i mean, thirty first?")

anyway, back to the commercials. santa is supposed to be some magical immortal being that has a factory full of elves at the north pole, flying reindeer, and the ability to deliver presents to every child in the world the night before christmas. doesn't make a whole lot of sense and goes against all logic, but this story is diligently pounded into the head of every child from before they even realize it. 

(other side note: who's idea was it to name the face of christmas an anagram for satan? i mean, really. they're so similar it's more of a typo than an anagram.)

if you are going to spend so much time and energy talking up the magical powers of santa, then why would every commercial be designed to put him down? elves want to go to build-a-bear workshop because, you know that super cool factory they have in the north that can build super amazing toys for everyone? yeah, it doesn't have the stuff that build-a-bear has. and i mean, sure, santa has been doing his job for generations, but his magic is apparently dwindling because there's no way he can get enough presents ready without stopping by best buy on the way. it seems like every commercial just further proves the incompetency of a man that children are led to believe is infallible. 

did any of you watch the simpsons christmas special where bart went to go kill santa and he found him in a room with peeling wallpaper and no heat complaining that the recession had hit him hard? bart feels bad for the guy, gets in a grateful mood, and is happy with whatever the old man gives him. the minute bart leaves, santa pushes a button and the poor look is gone, leaving him to gloat over how stupid bart was for falling for that. sometimes it feels like these commercials are santa's way of showing everyone the peeling wallpaper to get them in a grateful mood. 

and speaking of santa, does no one else find the idea of a fat, old man watching every child in the world when they're sleeping and when they're awake slightly creepy? maybe it's just the computer forensics talking, but ew. and some random guy sneaking into your house at night through the chimney? breaking and entering is wrong. also, i am not a parent struggling to buy christmas presents and stocking stuffers for all my children, but after waiting in long lines, fighting with people who seem to have lost the christmas spirit, and basically spending a whole bunch of money on everything my kid wanted, i would want some recognition. no, child, those presents you are gushing over? not a gift from some jolly fat guy you've never met. they're from me. 

this post kind of makes me sound grinchy, but i'm actually not. usually, i'm a fan of the whole christmas season. to everyone who celebrates it, merry christmas. and happy whatever else you may be celebrating at this time of year as well. 

*Must Be Santa - My Kindergarten Class

Thursday, December 23, 2010

and in case you were wondering

i can't find the flash drive that i had stored the thing i was writing on. and because i kept switching from joe to junior with the writing, it is only on that flash drive. so um this kinda sucks :/

i think if sylvia plath was alive right now, we would be really good friends.

i have a pogo stick that stands propped against the wall near all my boots. the last time i used it was my senior year of high school when a friend came over to study for ap calc and we ended up pogo-ing over to the house of a guy half our class had a crush on. i showed it [the house] to her from behind a tree, and then we left.

there is a present sitting near my bed that i got for my friend's birthday two years ago and just never got around to giving to her. i don't even know what it is anymore.

i don't understand how people can not like original cheerios. they're such a comfort food for me.

i've decided to continue and get a phd after i finish with my master's next fall. i am so going to regret this decision.

sometimes, i think i'd rather wrap myself in the longing and hoping for something than go out and try to get it and risk failure. other times, i think failure is the better option.

i just finished reading the castle in the attic with my brothers and rekindled my love for medieval times. i was obsessed with all things medieval in fourth grade.

i'm waiting for a load of laundry to finish so i can put it in the dryer and wanted to write while i waited. i need to find that USB.

*Sunsets and Car Crashes - The Spill Canvas

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

he's everything inside of you that you wish you could be

so i wrote this long and pointless ramble of a blog post last night while watching family guy. when i went to choose the title i knew exactly what lyric i wanted to put, but i couldn't for the life of me remember which song it was from or any other lyrics from the song. google was being uncharacteristically unhelpful (i'm telling you, some people just can't handle the holiday stress of this season as well as others) and i got so annoyed after eons of trying to find the song using my iTunes and google that i just gave up, turned off joe, and watched tv until i fell asleep. this morning, i still can't remember what the stupid song is, and it is going to kill me forever. also, i refuse to post that post with a different title. you're welcome.

if you thought sparing you from one pointless post meant that this one was going to have a point, then sorry but you are hugely mistaken.

in class on monday before we took our exam (is it pathetic that i am going to miss that class? yes? whatever i still will.) our professor (who by the way i am slightly infatuated with. he is what i want to be when i grow up - minus the he part cause i'm pretty okay with staying a she. he is the epitome of awesome, though. really.) asked us what the last movie we had seen was and then told us to imagine that it was a documentary instead of a fictional thing. that got us started on a very interesting conversation about how life could be if hollywood was reality and stuff that i will not recount for you here because it was really long (yeah we procrastinated starting the exam for a bit), but think about the movies you watch as documentaries sometime. it's kinda cool.

also, i have been up for two hours and want a bagel but don't really feel like going downstairs to make myself one, because that means the day will officially start and things that need to be done (like cleaning and laundry) will have to be started, and i really don't feel like being all domestic today.

on a completely random note, lifesavers are the crack of hard candy.

*Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon

Saturday, December 18, 2010

after all, i'm only sleeping

Sometimes, I ignore the words and focus instead on the spaces in between them. I close my ears to the messages being spoken by the page and lose myself in the white emptiness of the margins. I drown in the nothingness until it is all there is.

Sometimes, I only listen to the silences in your stories. I let the words slip through my head without gaining purchase and hold on to the breaths you take with both hands. Sentences fall from your lips unheeded as I wait impatiently for every pause.

Sometimes, I look at the patches of blue between the clouds everyone else is making pictures out of. If I open my eyes wide enough, the tears that pool in them help to block out the white. There are no bears dancing across the sky merging into cats and turning into umbrellas. There is only uninterrupted blue that does nothing but simply exist.

Sometimes, I watch the sky instead of the stars. I only see the vast blackness between each sparkling pinprick of light. If I stare into the black long enough, I can shrink myself down to nonexistence, and lose my identity on the breeze sweeping by.

and sometimes i write stuff when i'm sleeping. i woke up this morning to find this scrawled across the back of the midterm i have near my bed so i can review it for my final at every chance i get (it's been turned over and ignored for the past week and will probably stay that way until monday morning). i actually don't think i wrote this in my sleep (though i would love to say that i could sleep-write. that would be cool) because i vaguely remember waking up a couple of times last night. i must have scribbled this out one of those fits of sleeplessness.

*I'm Only Sleeping - The Beatles

Thursday, December 16, 2010

somebody make it stop

okay so for the last couple of weeks, people have been teasing me with false hopes of snow. "the weatherman says we'll be getting a couple of inches tomorrow," "you may not have school wednesday because of the snow the weatherman says we're getting," "the weatherman has said that it will snow all weekend so you may want to stock up on salt and stuff." now, i'm not entirely sure that the weatherman was really saying all of this because him and i rarely talk anymore, but if he was then i think perhaps it is time for him to think about a change in profession. like the village that housed the boy who cried wolf, i kinda stopped wasting my time listening to lies about snow. i just gave up that it was going to happen.

so last night i make plans to go out to dinner with a close friend. if you know me at all in real life, you would know that meeting up with friends is one of the hardest things to do in my life. what with my weird family stuff and everyone else's lives, it's hard to find a time that works. i mean, seriously, i think getting my Master's is a lot easier than trying to make plans to meet up. no exaggerations. but anyway, i hadn't seen her in a couple of months and we made plans and it was all easy and awesome and amazing. i was excited.

i wake up this morning and it's white. not the fake white of a couple days ago, but real snow white. with more snow falling. i'm not sure when this snow is going to end, but it might (read:probably) cause my plans to be cancelled. plans that took forever and a day to fall into place. i got a text a few minutes ago from my friend saying: i don't think god wants us to be friends. i think she may be right.

on a happier note, i started writing something that i think might be good once i get into it. the beginning is one of the hardest parts of writing for me because i have a great idea in my head and then i start trying to get it down on paper and realize "oh wait this kinda sucks in real life" and the writing comes hard. i'm hoping to stick to it long enough for that part to finish. so we'll see what happens.

*The Air That I Breathe - Maroon 5

Monday, December 13, 2010

all the small things

things that make me smile at the moment:

[one] my grandma is coming down from connecticut soon, and me and my sister got her a huge box of chocolate that we are excited to give to her. isn't it amazingly awesome?

(in forensics, using a dollar bill is a common way to measure something because of its standard size. i used a dollar bill so you can see just how big this chocolate box is.)

[two] at the school library today, someone was dressed in full santa costume (down to beard and pillow in shirt) and studying for his finals. 

[three] it's exam time! i love exam time.

[four] it's almost vacation which means there are just a few more days of having to wake up to the soul-ripping obnoxiousness that is my alarm clock. 

[five] my monday night class is always awesome because i am in love with the professor. he is the epitome of awesome. when i grow up, i want to be just like him. 

[six] tomorrow i will go over to see my nephew. i saw him on friday but it seems like forever ago and i miss him. 

[seven] i woke up this morning to whiteness. it was only a dusting and all the snow was gone a couple of hours later, but it was a good sign of things to come.

once the vacation starts and my mind is rested from exam time, i will post stuff that are not a bunch of random lists i promise. 

*All the Small Things - Blink 182

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

and when i catch my breath, it's you i breathe

okay so yesterday morning, as i was sipping peppermint tea out of my beauty and the beast thermos and eating pink berry frozen yogurt while sitting in the lobby of a building full of dentist offices because it was freezing cold outside, these were the thoughts that were going through my mind:

[one] i try not to breathe whenever it's dusty because i have this fear that the dust is really the cremated ash of some dead person that i am inhaling into my lungs and getting stuck on my tongue. blech.

[two] i sometimes wonder about those points in a person's life when they change from the hope of the future to the disappointment of the present. like when we're really young we're told that everything's possible, the sky's the limit, dreams are supposed to be big, blah blah blah. then we grow up a bit, and not everything is possible, but there are a million opportunities waiting for your picking and dreams are considered ambitious. then you grow up a little more and realize that not much is possible, reality is hard, and big dreams just mean that you need to grow up and stop embarrassing yourself.

[three] despite all my grumbling about how reality sucks and fictional worlds are where i want to be, sometimes i think that if books did come true, and i was standing on the brink of an adventure full of fairies and dragons and wizards, i'm not entirely sure that i wouldn't run in the opposite direction and cower in a corner until it all goes away.

[four] people in their cars are weird. some apparently believe that their car is a soundproof bubble of invisibility and they can do whatever they want in it without worrying about other people. other people seem to think that when they're in their car they're under a giant spotlight and everyone is looking at them. they always look posed and uncomfortable and glance around a lot to see who's watching.

[five]  okay so there really wasn't a five, but i don't like even numbers so i couldn't very well leave it at four. there are about two weeks left of the semester and then glorious vacation. which will hopefully include snow, and lots of it. i just have one assignment, one fifteen page research paper, and a couple of exams, and i will be done. for the assignment, the professor said to write ten possible test questions from each lecture. i took this to mean ten questions from every lecture, resulting in one hundred and twenty questions. the other girl in my class took it to mean ten questions taken from the lectures. i got to forty six, she told me she submitted only ten, and suddenly my motivation went flying out the window. as soon as i finish this, though, i will go try and force myself to finish them just in case i'm right.

*Everywhere - Michelle Branch

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

i'm a waste of breath, of space, of time

"Shall I tell you a story? A new and terrible one? A ghost story? Are you ready? Shall I begin? Once upon a time there were four girls. One was pretty. One was clever. One charming, and another one was mysterious. But they were all damaged, you see. Something not right about the lot of them. Bad blood. Big dreams. Oh, I left that part out. Sorry, that should have come before. They were all dreamers, these girls.
One by one, night after night, the girls came together. And they sinned. Do you know what that sin was? Their sin was that they believed. Believed they could be different. Special. They believed they could change what they were - damaged, unloved. Cast-off things. They would be alive, adored, needed. Necessary. But it wasn't true. This is a ghost story, remember? A tragedy.
They were misled. Betrayed by their own stupid hopes. Things couldn't be different for them, because they weren't special after all. So life took them, led them, and they went along, you see? They faded before their own eyes, till they were nothing more than living ghosts, haunting each other with what could be. What can't be.
There, now. Isn't that the scariest story you've ever heard?"
~Felicity's scary story, A Great and Terrible Beauty, pg 313-15, Libba Bray

i was reading this book (i could have sworn that i read it before from the title but couldn't remember it and while reading it again there are a few points that jog my memory but enough that doesn't to make it feel like i'm reading it for the first time) and this part jumped out at me, so obviously i copied it into my blog. i took out all the interruptions and stuff so it's not exactly how it was written, but whatever. the last paragraph is one of my greatest fears i think. 

it also brings to mind this part of bright eyes' song, waste of paint:

I just sit and watch the people there. 
And they remind me of wind up cars in motion.
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense.
All your life's one track, can't you see it's pointless?
But then, my knees give under me. 
My head feels weak 
and suddenly 
it is clear to see that it is not them but me, 
who has lost my self-identity.
As I hide behind these books I read, 
while scribbling my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me, 
with some ideal ideology 
that no one can hope to achieve.
And I am never real; it's just a sketch of me.
And everything I made is trite and cheap and a waste 
of paint, of tape, of time.

*Waste of Paint - Bright Eyes

Monday, December 6, 2010

maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true

i have been avoiding writing a post all weekend because i didn't want to write that i had assignments due today that i didn't do (still needa get started on that) or that i wasted all of friday and saturday reading meg cabot's the mediator series (yeah not the most difficult literature to get through, but still six books in two days shows how much time i had that could have been spent on homework) that i was told to read a while back because one of the main characters is a friend's literary crush and she couldn't believe i had never read the books growing up.

when i couldn't fit the books into my bookcase because it is already too stuffed but i don't have space right now for a bigger one, my brothers started telling me that when they grow up they're each gonna have a huge library in their houses and i can keep the books that don't fit in my shelf with them (it was a very proud moment for me lol). anyway, we somehow got to talking about what our dream houses would look like, and this is what i came up with (it's more of what i want whatever house i'm in to have):

my dream house will have high ceilings. it will have huge windows in every room so you'll never need to turn on a light when the sun is shining. it will have a library (depending on the rest of the house, this can be a beauty and the beast type one or a cozy one with overstuffed chairs and a fire place). it will have window seats. it will be bright. it will have chairs you can sink in. it will have a big kitchen to bake in. it will not be huge. it will be by an ocean. maybe.

if i had to choose a house out of a book, i think i would take shell cottage (bill and fleur's place from harry potter 7). cottages are awesome, don't you think?

*Wouldn't It Be Nice - The Beach Boys

Thursday, December 2, 2010

and in a couple hours i'll be dead

okay so people, namely all my cousins in saudi arabia, have been having the weirdest reactions to my engagement. i feel like i'm gonna get off the plane over there and they'll have a coffin ready for me to climb into. yes, they are making me feel like i am dying not getting married. or at least going somewhere far, far away from where i can never ever come back and they can never go. for example, the first cousin i told (well, actually he was the third, but he was the first to respond), after saying that he was happy for me and wished me all the best said something along the lines of, "i will miss you so much, and i will never forget you. you will always have a special place in my heart." (actually, that may be exactly what he said.) my response was, "um lool i'm not dying. why are you making me feel like i'll never see you again?" he replied with something stupid like "i know" or something equally pointless.

the second cousin i told replied with, "that is so exciting, i will miss you soo much." umm thanks :/.

her niece that i spend practically all summer with sent an i will never forget you and then changed her profile pic on facebook to one of me and her and her status to "i will miss you sarah." in all caps.

her sister sent me a message saying, "don't ever forget me because i will never forget you and the fun times we had together."

do you see the trend going on here? why is everyone going to miss me anymore than they do when i see them a couple of months a year. why do i have to be remembered and not forget them either? i mean, yes, my older sister sees them a lot less than she used to, but that doesn't mean i will. i will still talk to them. i will still see them. i really don't plan on changing any of that. so their reactions, though i find them mildly hilarious, creep me out a little. i swear i'm not dying. i do not have any special kool-aid to drink on my wedding night. i will still be me and ignore their messages for weeks and weeks before sending some lame "sorry. i've been so busy with school. here is an answer to every pointless thing you've sent me over the past month. i miss you too and can't wait for the summer either." at least... i'm pretty sure. do they know something i don't know?

*Sunsets and Car Crashes - The Spill Canvas

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

i stole your style, hope you don't mind

so i stumbled upon this site yesterday called I Write Like that is, according to the site, a "statistical analysis tool, which analyzes your word choice and writing style and compares them with those of the famous writers." so of course i decided to not do my homework (i still have until thursday to do it, and there are more important things in life than finishing homework early) and instead see who i write like. i picked a random blog post to start with, but then analyzed all the posts from october and november, you know, so i'll have a more accurate analysis (and it took more time). here were my results:

the first author i got, for this post, was arthur c clarke. i had no idea who he was previously, and so i'm not sure how similar our writing styles are. i think it may have come up because he's science fiction and i talked about stars and time?

i got stephenie meyer. twice. (this post and this one.) you can imagine my elation at that one. :/  i also got jk rowling for this one, but since i'm pretty sure it's only because it's about harry, it doesn't count.

this post about waking up early got me jd salinger. since i'm pretty sure i love salinger more than is probably healthy, i was happy.

i got dan brown twice (this one and the one where i talked about angels and demons). the second one falls into the jk rowling category, though. aside from the fact that i think dan brown is in love with his character (not in the normal i love my character way, but in a if i was his wife i'd be worried way) i was okay with this.

i got james joyce once, chuck palahniuk twice (did i ever tell you of my obsession with chuck? i have had his entire collection of books in my amazon shopping cart and ebay watch list for longer than i can remember. i am in love with his ideas and the way that he writes, but i have never read a single one of his books. yet. i really don't know what i'm waiting for but every time i go to get the books i decide to wait. i know he'll be one of my top favorite authors though), that post i wrote on water got me harry harrison (aside from a pretty cool name, he wrote the basis for the movie soylent green which makes him pretty much awesome), and i got douglas adams twice (for this and this). i had just been talking to my mom about douglas adams like an hour before doing this, so i thought it was relevant. plus, who wouldn't want to be compared to him? even by a statistical analysis tool that i'm pretty sure is pretty fake.

but, with a whopping nine posts in his style, i think the writer that i am most like (according to this) is cory doctorow. don't know who he is? that's okay, i didnt either. apparently he is a canadian blogger, journalist, and science fiction author. that alone makes him super cool in my books, and in this blog there are no other books that matter. i'll have to read some of his stuff since we're apparently literary soul mates.

there are a lot of links in this post. you know, in case you didn't notice.

*Hope You Like the New Me - Richard Thompson