you love me but you don't know who i am

i hate when formspring emails me telling me to check out what my friends have been up to, and i go to the site and there's been no new activity since the last time i signed in like a month ago.

another thing that has been bothering me lately, which i must admit i used to do all the time, is thinking that character a should just love character b because character b is good and loves character a. it doesn't matter if these characters are in books, movies, or tv shows, the same principle applies.

one of the top examples in my mind is from the hunger games because someone just mentioned this, but i could find examples from a hundred different things. in the hunger games, though, you often find people getting annoyed with katniss for not immediately falling for peeta when he says that he loves her. throughout the entire first book, they just can't stand her because she's pretending to be in love, and she's confused, and he is just so sweet (the main, more important plot of killing children aside of course). and then when she has to get engaged and married and everything, they're just so annoyed that she's not happy to be spending forever with him. and of course it just boils down to the fact that she doesn't deserve him and he's so much better than her.

but who said that, just because someone loves you, you have to love them back? who decided that what katniss wants (to be alone forever) doesn't matter because what peeta wants is so much more sweet and romantic? character b may very well be a fantastic person who deserves all chances at happiness, but that doesn't mean that character a should give up their own happiness for them. character a should not be expected to be swept off their feet just because character b has a really cool broom.

i find myself watching movies now that i watched years ago, and when before i was thinking, "oh my god just get together already," now i find myself hoping they stay apart because there is no way they should be together. maybe i'm just becoming even more cynical, but it annoys me.

i think that's what's really great about 500 days of summer. the girl goes off and finds her own happiness, despite the fact that the guy really wanted to be with her. and i know a lot of people hate her for that, but these are the same people that don't seem to realize that he was one of those people that fell in love with an image of her and refused to let go of it, even when it no longer fit her.

i'm starting to ramble. and i can't find a song lyric that goes with this.

*Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down

where'd you go? i miss you so. seems like it's been forever since you've been gone

so yesterday we took the boys to see the lion king at the movies, and can you believe that they had never seen it before? i felt like i had failed my duties as an older sister. they had seen lion king one and a half. it came out when they were younger and when i bought it they would watch it on repeat all. day. long. over and over and over again for months. they had seen lion king two recently on the airplane. we used to have it taped off the tv, but then ali recorded free willy over the last fifteen minutes or so when he was small. but they had never seen the original one, the best one. we had it on vhs, but it got lost in one of our house moves. i was devastated naturally, because along with beauty and the beast and aladdin, it's up there with my favorite disney movies of all time. if you haven't already, i suggest you go watch it on the big screen before it stops showing. it's a guaranteed good movie in a time when a lot of what is being shown is just mindless crap that makes billions of dollars anyway.

while i was watching the movie, listening to baby simba talk, all i could think about was where did jonathan taylor thomas disappear to? he was my first celebrity crush - well, him and aladdin, but he was my first non-animated one - and i definitely wasn't the only one. i remember him taking off time from acting to go to college or something, good role model as he is (it was the biggest news of my elementary class), and then he came back and did a few guest spots on shows that he would probably be starring in if he didn't leave, and then he fell off the face of the planet. where did he go?

**UPDATE**: shortly after posting this, i did a quick google search and found this, an interview with him from the home improvement reunion (which i didn't know about?) about a week ago. apparently he's been "going to school, and traveling quite a bit, getting to read a lot of books [he's] wanted to for quite some time." basically a very me-sanctioned way to spend his time out of the spotlight. twenty three year old me approves of eight year old's me choice in crushes. eight year old me feels validated.

i'm going to go find my slap bracelets now and continue reliving my childhood.

*Where'd You Go - Fort Minor

i love you like the stars above, i love you till i die

so i came home today, opened my email to see if i had any blog comments, and realized that i haven't actually posted anything in the past few days. my disappointment at my empty inbox (well, empty of anything new) prompted me to remedy that.

i'm applying for the phd program at my school for next semester (why, yes, i am certifiably insane), but i only really started the application today. it's due in about a week. most of it i can do pretty quick, but i need three recommendation letters. three. that means that i need to find people to recommend me, convince them to do it, and then make sure they have their stuff in on time. it's a pretty tight squeeze. especially since, being the youngest and least experienced in most of my classes, i'm rarely the one doing most of the talking. who really wants to take the time to recommend someone they can barely remember?

i knew that one of my professors knew me enough to write a personal recommendation. the only problem was that he rarely checked his email and never responds to anything. he prefers phones. but mason, great college that it is, updated to the new blackboard this semester without telling me and deleted the old one. that means that all my old notes, assignments, and syllabuses (i always though the plural of syllabus was syllabi. i feel stupid now.) are gone. thrown out in a giant virtual dumpster. that includes his phone number. i decided to email him and if i didn't get a response to cyberstalk him to find his number tomorrow. yeah, i'm that desperate.

twenty minutes later, i get an email from him saying "who does it need to be addressed to?" i was ecstatic. i email back explaining that the whole thing is done online now and that if i could submit his email they'll send him the form. his reply: "no problem. i would love to do it for you."

and i'm not gonna lie, i fell even more in love with him. i dunno if i mentioned my crush, for lack of a better word, on this guy here, but i was really obsessed with him. (he taught the two-student class i was in.) i loved going to his class early and talking and listening to his stories. he has an awesome sense of humor and is smart and amazing (and not really attractive at all but whatever). i could tell he would write me something good, because he liked me. he doesn't believe in pluses/minuses on grades, as he stressed repeatedly at the start of every class i ever took with him, and so when i saw the A+ he gave me last fall, i have to admit that i smiled like an idiot for a few seconds.

anyway, one of the other professors said i had to go meet up with him which i kinda don't feel like doing and the other one didn't answer. i'm not feeling very confident right now.

i think i procrastinated so long on applying because deep down, i know i'm not going to get into the program. they want you to have experience in the field and i have a grand total of none. i know that. and i think i naturally shy away from rejection and failure. which resulted in a very last minute application. tomorrow will be spent finding people to recommend me (and dragging up buried feelings of intellectual love for my professor of course).

oh, and i realize that the title is over the top. it's late, and i'm watching top chef: just desserts, and i can't think of anything else right now.

*Romeo and Juliet - The Killers

seems that all i really was doing was waiting for love

with my cousin here, we are going through our entire movie collection, and watching almost every single one. this means that movies that have been pushed to the very back and forgotten about for years are suddenly dusted off and rewatched. (i admit some of them required a lot of force and tricking before she would watch them, like moulin rouge! but i couldnt live in a world where someone refused to watch a good movie because she "watched the beginning and it was bad.")

anyway, a few days ago we watched little women. this is the first movie i actually remember going to see in a movie theater a million and a half years ago. i would assume that all of you have watched the movie/read the book/know the story, but apparently one of my sister's more literate friends hadnt sooo i cant assume anymore.

to completely ruin one of the plot lines for you, at one point of the movie laurie (the neighbor) asks jo (the second oldest sister) to marry him. they had been best friends forever and apparently he had always loved her and all that other good stuff. she refuses. it always used to annoy me that she said no to him, because i always loved him in the first half of the movie (after she says no to him, his character kind of goes downhill). after she says no and tells him that she really doesnt see herself as a wife, laurie tells her (in the movie, i cant remember what he says in the book), "Someday you'll find a man, a good man, and you'll love him, and marry him, and live and die for him. And I'll be hanged if I stand by and watch." jo spends some time saying how she's an idiot throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals (because i mean, laurie is awesome, even she knows that), and she moves off to new york and tries to fulfill her dream of becoming an author. there, she meets and falls in love with some foreign professor dude and they live happily ever after.

someone recently emailed me about my about me section, asking how i could be a cynical idealist. how can you be both? well, here's one example how. i believe in true love, like the ones found in books and movies. fairytale love is real, it has to be, and is out there somewhere. the cynical part of me, though, believes it is pretty much unattainable. it exists in the same place the fairies are hiding out (cause they're real, too), and how often do you see a real fairy? never. the idealist in me, that refuses to give up the belief that it exists even if it is hidden somewhere no one can get at it, also refuses to settle for anything less than that fairytale love. like jo, i'll wait for "a good man, and [i]'ll love him, and marry him, and live and die for him." even if it means passing up "perfectly good proposals" on the way.

sidenote: i never really liked jo's professor dude.

sidenote: language back then was so much nicer. compare phrases like "i'll be hanged" and "blast" to what people say now. yeah...

*Real Love - The Beatles

what do you think of me? are you quite proud of this make-believe

despite what you say, you dont love me - not the real me. you cant. because you never got to know me. i didnt let you. so instead you made a pretty picture of me and locked it up in your heart where no one could spoil it, no one could change it, no one could stain it with the bleeding touch of reality. not even me. not even you. you fell in love with the idea of being in love, with the idea of someone being in love with you. you needed someone to be there for you always. you needed a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. so you took my picture and made it be what you needed. it couldve been anyone, but it was me. you needed me to have no needs of my own, so you imagined i didnt. you are deaf to what i say, you are blind to what i do. saying i love you doesnt make it true. you can stop trying to prove anything to me, because i stopped caring. you suffocated me with the smothering image of what you wanted me to be, and all your dreams about the future cant revive me. dont grieve over me because despite what you say, you don't love me.

*So Damn Beautiful - Polaroid

could somebody show me the kind of affection that you only see in the movies?

i'm a complete cynic when it comes to love. i just dont believe it exists. not the fairy tale kind at least. not what you see in disney movies. not what you read about in books. people dont share that one magical kiss and then live happily ever after. it just doesnt work that way. im not saying that people dont love each other or are never happy with each other, it's just not like a disney movie.

and i want the disney movie. i've always preferred fictional life to reality.

you know in the movie enchanted when giselle is telling patrick dempsey's character about prince edward and he's all cynical and goes on about how they've only known each other a day and thats ridiculous and stuff?? when you see it in a disney movie, it seems acceptable. why shouldnt the scullery maid marry the prince?? but under the harsh light of reality it really is ridiculous. they danced together for one night. one night. and that is enough to guaruntee a happily ever after?? i wish. i really do.

there's this line in twilight that always bugged me. every time i read the books it annoys me. i'm not gonna go search for the exact quote, but basically edward tells bella how much better and more powerful emotions - namely love - are when you experience them yourself rather than reading about them. it might just be me, but i think pure unadulterated storybook love is stronger than what exists in reality. maybe i'm just really missing out on something, but i dont think disney worthy love exists in the real world.

*Your Evil Soul - The Spill Canvas