i dig you 'cause your grammar is so good

okay, so i'm not sure who exactly said that it was okay to let idiocy flourish in cyberspace, but that person should be shot. repeatedly. i absolutely abhor reading bad spelling and grammar online. the only thing worse is the moronic response of "calm down, we're online." i'm sorry, did you have to give your brain away to get internet connection? if it is not okay for you to speak like a moron in person, it is not okay to do it through a computer. i understand that some people are just bad spellers. i have nothing against those people. really, i dont. but writing "like" as "lyke" is not being a bad speller. it is throwing your brain cells away with both hands. everyone is allowed to go through a phase of idiocy, but that phase should stop in eighth grade (and even that is pushing it). i don't care if what you say online is not being graded, stop being stupid.

yes, i realize that i dont follow grammar online as well as i should. i have a problem with the shift and apostrophe buttons, but i know the right way to write.

here are some basic things to remember to avoid being labeled as stupid:

>> your is not an abbreviated form of you're. the first is possessive while the second is a contraction. if you are confusing the two, maybe it's time for you to turn off the computer and crack open a book. i may not always use apostrophes, but i always write youre when it is needed.

>> their, there, and they're are also three completely different words. they are not interchangeable. they are not variations of each other. a sentence to show the three uses: they're at their table over there. see how each one has its own special meaning?

>> affect and effect are also not interchangeable. affect is a verb. effect is a noun. remember that a comes before e in the alphabet. something has to affect something else before the effect is seen.

>> it's and its is another commonly misused pair of words. its is possessive and it's stands for it is. it's really not that hard to remember. this is the one time that i never neglect the apostrophes. you should do the same.

>> quotation marks should not be used for emphasis. saying something is "important" does not make me recognize its significance. in fact, it makes me think that it is unimportant. or that your definition of importance is a bit off. parentheses shouldn't be used for emphasis either, for that matter.

>> teh is not a cool way to write the. it is a typo. people who emulate mistakes because they think it makes them look/sound cooler need to die.

>> you can't italicize your entire speech. italics should be used for emphasis, much like those " " you've been throwing around. contrary to what you might believe, every word that comes out of your mouth - or uh hand - does not need to be emphasized. try talking like that and you'll realize how stupid you sound to me.

>> could of, should of, and would of are not grammatically correct phrases. they dont even make sense. if you don't want to write the contractions (could've, should've, would've) then at least write out what they really stand for... which is could have, should have, and would have if you didnt know. it'll make you sound a little less like a completely uneducated idiot.

*Bad Grammar - The Hippos

break down these walls that we've built

so my sister and i had the brilliant idea that it ould be fun to make homemade gingerbread houses from scratch. none of that graham cracker stuff... real gingerbread. oh. my. god. it was a fiasco. but a successful one. is that even possible??

so we made the dough and stuff yesterday, but didnt get a chance to build the houses because my brothers sleep early and we started a little late. i shouldve known it was doomed from the start because i couldnt find my usual gingerbread recipe. i had to use a different one and the dough came out a little different than usual. it was still good, but it wasnt mine.

then, today we did the building. we made two houses. one boy and one girl worked on each and it was originally going to be a contest. i stopped that idea, though, because we were basically eyeballing the cutting of the pieces yesterday so i had a feeling it was going to get a little messed up. understatement of the year. while i was putting together my house, my sister was having the mother of all hard times with hers. she was trying not to put too much frosting so that it would be healthier. yes, im surprised she's related to me, too. so hers keeps collapses so she adds more frosting and its getting messy and breaking and shes getting super annoyed. she gave up three times.

mine was built and ready for the decorating while anisah's was still in pieces. so we said both boys should just decorate mine. in the midst of the decorating, someone used a little too much pressure and the whole house came falling down. extremely irritating. i start building it back up against its will because it apparently enjoyed being a pile of rubble. while mine was trying to stay dead, anisah's suddenly decided to live. when hers was up, i stopped trying to make a traditional house and ended up with something that looked kind of like those chinese houses. then the boys started decorating again. near the end, anisah's collapses. again. we didnt even try to resurrect it.

they are the two saddest gingerbread houses i have ever seen. the gingerbread turned out good though. and it all tasted good i was told. and the boys had fun. so though the whole thing was a disaster, it was kind of a success too?

*Momentum - The Hush Sound

hey, calling all imaginary friends

last night, i stumbled upon the quote, "writer's block is when your imaginary friends won't talk to you."

in high school i had this friend, and we were pretty close. or at least i would go to her house a lot and we'd talk all the time. now, i kinda think it was just because we were always together that we deluded ourselves into thinking we were close. anyways, first semester of college she was having a bit of trouble making friends of her own or something. i went to college with one of my best friends and we both managed to make a bunch of friends (most of whom i kind of drifted away from as college went on. now i mainly have IT friends cause we're all on the same campus, and none of my non IT friends are arab). anyways, when i wasn't complaining about a lack of friends with her, she says with disdain, "well, yeah, that's because you're not the only one from our class there." let the record show that she had another girl from our class, half the boys, and a bunch of other people she knew through family and friends. that annoyed me a little, so i go on to say that we made a lot of friends that aren't from high school. she laughs in disbelief and says all condescendingly, "imaginary friends don't count." or something along those lines. and she was dead serious. when she came to visit us at school later she was honestly shocked to find that we were hanging out with real people. it was a tad insulting. i mean, i know i'm not a social butterfly, but that is completely by choice. i know how to make and keep friends and actually have good people skills. i dont really hang out or talk to her at all anymore, for several reasons. her mom, dad, and brother are still awesome people, though.

my dad thought it was hilarious and is now constantly asking me about my imaginary friends. it became a sort of inside joke between us.

anyways, the point of that story was that now, it kinda seems true. not that i only have imaginary friends, but that i have some. remember the quote up there?? about the writer's block?? yeah... well, at times, my characters really do seem like imaginary friends. i know stuff about them like their birthday, favorite book or song or food, how they felt their first day of school, that never make it into any stories. i know what they'd say in different situations and what they'd think of different things. i have fallen in love with half of them and truly despise others.

so maybe that old friend was actually right about something.

*Imaginary Friends - Nada Surf

okay, people, i need your help. please. i'd be eternally grateful and forever in your debt if you could just answer this simple little question. it is driving me crazy. which font do you prefer? the top or the bottom? and no, they are not the same. the top is garamond 12 and the second is century 11. so please, click on the picture and comment your choice. please.

i was just asleep

it feels like it's been forever since i blogged. in reality it's only been three days, but it feels like a lifetime. i wish i could say i've been off doing exciting things that have kept me away from the computer, but i cant. because i havent. you know what ive been doing?? sleeping. a lot. without my consent. i have been sleeping twelve hour nights and it is ridiculous. i want to not waste my free time unconscious, but apparently my body wont let me. grr.

i woke up this morning to a moving truck outside my window. my neighbors, one of the last two remaining nice ones, are moving. sad. they're the ones with the little boy that plays with my brothers all the time. we used to have really good neighbors that would have neighborhood barbecues and street parties, but one by one they are moving away, and we are left with not so great people.

i feel like writing, but my brain doesnt want to function. so instead, go read this. it's beautiful, really. actually, since i know half of you wont click the link, here it is: never date a writer by xstephens. his writing makes me jealous.

Never date a writer because she’ll fictionalize everything. She’ll write about things you have done to her, or things you never did for her. She’ll write about how you never bought her flowers. Not once. She’ll say in well-constructed prose how the whole time you were together, she never came home from a long week to see a vase full of roses, or daises, or anything.

She’ll describe times you embarrassed her, like at a party. It was her party because she was leaving for three months, and all her friends were there to see her off. People bought her champagne, which was never chilled, but you drank it anyway and that was after you had had whiskey. She’ll talk about how you played strip poker with others. And she walked in to see your clothes bunched up on the floor, next to smashed cigarette butts. She’ll say how she had to cover you with a coat because all her friends laughed about it, and so did you. Then she’ll describe how later, when she didn’t want to leave you and she wanted to be held, she heard you vomit in the bathroom. She’ll say how she had to make sure you were still alive and how she saw your face pressed against the toilet and how your legs shook on the tile. And she said your name and asked if you were okay and you just stared at her through half opened eyelids and looked away. She’ll say she couldn’t make love to you and she had to stay up and make coffee, before you took her to the airport.

She’ll continue this emphasis on what you had done to her, by describing things she had found, but said nothing about. Like when she opened your wallet to slide twenty dollars inside, because you had bought her dinner. She’ll say how she sat on the hardwood floor where the heat couldn’t reach and she shivered. She’ll explain the condom she found, and how it was lubricated and had small writing on the package she couldn’t see because her eyes watered. She’ll talk about the note she found from a girl she didn’t know but you did because in the scribbled handwriting she could make out your name. You were asleep on the bed and she was on the floor. She’ll tell the reader how she held her legs and tapped her chin against her knee. And she decided that it’s not wrong for men to have friends, because all men have friends, so she closed the wallet and slept without a blanket on the floor.

She’ll later describe the moment in the bedroom when she sat at the foot of the bed and you kneeled in front of her. She’ll give you short choppy dialogue, so that you sound distant. She’ll tell the reader how you said it’s not that you didn’t love her but you couldn’t be with her and that it’s more your fault than hers, except she’ll tell it much more compellingly. She’ll describe how she choked on her tears and tried not to vomit right in front of you. And how she looked at the poster on the wall, the one she bought for you and how the different colors turned together when you spoke. She’ll say how the bed you had brought from your place felt like steel and she couldn’t move because her legs were welded there and she could only listen to you and watch the colors of the room turn gray.

And she’ll send you a manuscript and you’ll be on the couch where you both had sat and you’ll read every word. You’ll notice she didn’t tell things, like the time you had to see her because she had been sick with the flu and unable to get out of bed. And you ran from the campus to her apartment to make sure she was okay. You ran in the dark and there was so much snow that your legs began to freeze. And she won’t tell the reader how you didn’t have gloves or good shoes and you couldn’t see the patch of ice and you slipped. She won’t tell them you slipped. You twisted your ankle and your face landed in a snow bank. She won’t describe the taste in your mouth, how you pulled yourself up and limped up to her apartment. You used the key she’d just given you and she won’t say how nice it was being able to enter unannounced. And she won’t say how good it was to see her asleep and that you kissed her on the top of her head and then staggered home. She won’t move into your head and explain how much you really loved her. How you almost started to cry when you walked. You shook from the wind but felt safe because she was.

You’ll sit alone on that couch where you made love to her and you won’t move and the glass of whiskey on the table will not be touched. You won’t get up to turn up the lights and you won’t get up to use the restroom even though you have to. You’ll sit in the dim of your living room. And you will read.

*We Intertwined - The Hush Sound

i am not afraid to try it

have you ever had your mind make a decision before you?? like it makes up its mind while you're still pretending to deliberate even though you know the decision has already been made. thats what mine recently did, and now i'm participating in the upcoming script frenzy. made by the same people as nanowrimo, script frenzy has people write 100 pages of script in a month. any kind of script you can think of. i think i'm going to write a screenplay.

i heard about it during nanowrimo and then got a couple of emails suggesting i sign up afterwards. i wasnt really considering it... except that i guess i was, and had decided to try it from the first time i heard about it.

i know less than nothing about how to write a screenplay - my lack of knowledge is really quite pathetic. but they have samples, templates, and other writer's resources, and i figure i have until april to learn anyways. right?? i have never really harbored any secret desires to write movies. i was always more into more traditional writing (novels, short stories, the occasional poem...) but i figure, why not?? it's worth a try and might be fun.

the main rule of script frenzy is just to write 100 pages of original script. this, however, doesnt have to be your own story. you can make an adaptation of your favorite book, remake a different movie, turn a play into a graphic novel, or whatever. that should make it a bit easier than nanowrimo, right?? and then you can have partners in script frenzy, too.

the only time ive ever written a script was sixth grade when my teacher made me write a play for my class to act out. it was about a girl and her two friends who go back in time to the native americans. i've pushed that memory to the very furthest part of my mind, but i think i remember there being a mambo line at the end. :/ it was an embarrassment to life.

*Try it on My Own - Whitney Houston

my brothers recently got email addresses. the seven year old one was at the computer giggling earlier. i get a new email from him. it says:

I HATE MY LIFE LIKE A ROTTEN SANDWHICH AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FILTHY DIRTY STUPID TRASHCAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i laughed.

makes no sense at all

i have this weird slightly OCDish habit when it comes to series that i own. i cant just read/watch one from it. i have to do the entire thing.

for example, my grandma was here a couple of weeks ago. this means lots of distraction in the form of scrabble games and making lunches. it was also the last couple weeks of school so i had an overwhelmingly large pile of work haunting me. the boys were also in the middle of the their my-teacher-is-psycho-and-wants-twenty-posters-a-day-on-everything-under-the-sun phase. so there was a lot to do. but i felt like reading. knowing that i didnt have the time or the attention to really get into a book, i picked up twilight. light, entertaining reading. when i finished twilight i read new moon. school ends, my grandma leaves, and i suddenly have time to read again. but i cant read the backlog of books i have stacked by my bed because i still havent finished the twilight saga. i am now three quarters of the way through breaking dawn and looking forward to starting my break books.

another example, whenever i feel like rereading a harry potter book, i end up reading the entire series. beginning to end. or sometimes middle to end then beginning to middle.

and it's not just books. if i ever start watching my gilmore girls dvds, it happens too. i start by watching that one episode that had come to mind, and next thing i know it's three weeks later and all seven seasons have been played. crazy.

*Makes No Sense - Outkast

i stole your line

my brain has this thing where it just rejects songs i like sung out of tune... which is why a lot of covers just dont work for me. they may be nice, but if the singer "makes it his/her own" my brain gets angry and refuses to listen.

so remember a while ago i posted this song?? and i said it was a remix of the cuppycake song, even though the singers never mentioned that it was. so i bought their latest album (only like 5 songs) off of itunes to listen to them because they were virtually impossible to find elsewhere. i'm listening to one of the songs (Gotta Get Movin') and doing homework when my brain does that rejection thing it does. i thought that was weird because they were not doing a cover of any song i knew. i rewind the song a bit and hear these lyrics:

you dont have the reason, and i dont have the time

sounds suspiciously like maroon 5's song Makes Me Wonder lyrics, does it not?

i still dont have the reason, and you dont have the time

so i listen closer to the rest of the lyrics for the other songs. they all sound slightly familiar. none are exactly stolen from a song or anything, but most of them are made up of cliched song titles and phrases. actually, forget the most, they all are. and then there are a bunch of other lyrics that seem to be taken directly out of other songs, even if they are cliches. the songs are still okay, but umm a little originality could have made them a lot better.

*Gotta Get Movin' - The Phoenix Philosophy

it took me some time, but now i've moved on

so i finally heard back from that professor of mine. everyone had been telling me that she was sexist (and though she made no attempt to hide the fact that she preferred guys in class, i didnt think she would transfer those feelings to grades) and i kinda believed them after reading her email. she added a measly plus to my grade, but i guess it's better than nothing. i mean, at least now the C will have something to keep it company when i am in denial and completely ignoring the fact that it exists. that and the B+ in msom. stupid group projects killed my gpa.

anyways, back to the sexist thing. so it appears that she had used an outdated percentage calculator thing while doing my grade, but thanks for alerting her to her mistake. she checked the rest of the grades and thank god they were all right. she only used that calculator with me. the only girl in the class. convenient.

she showed me the grade breakdown and while i dont agree in taking off 10% because i didnt participate when there were no class discussions except as everyone was leaving and the stupid overachieving group would talk about her book, i have decided to forget about it. i have also decided to forget about the judge (that wasnt supposed to be a judge but she was invited by the overachievers. coincidence that the two things that brought my grade down were because of the women graders?) that gave us an awful grade on the final presentation. i plan to have voluntary amnesia about this entire class.

i am moving on.

*Me, Myself, and I - Beyonce

let the snow swallow the streets whole, keep the bus from coming

i love my brothers to death, really i do, but when i heard that fairfax county was closing schools monday and tuesday and wednesday, i think i died a little. i was looking forward to those days. i needed them. they were my winding-down-take-a-break days - after my semester finished and before my brothers vacation started. they were the days that i could breathe, that i could relax, that i could read or write or watch tv or stare at the ceiling making friends with shadows on the wall (matchbox twenty in case you didnt get that). i could do whatever without an endless torrent of "can you do a project with me?" "can you watch a movie with me?" "can you take me outside?" "can you watch me when i play?" "can i use your computer?" "can i have a snack?" "can i... can i ... can i..."

and to tell you the truth, i dont think i can.

i was looking forward to those days, and they have been stolen from me by the board of fairfax county who felt like an entire weekend was not time enough to clear off the sidewalks and salt the streets. i mean all the roads have already been cleared... why the closing?? announce a two hour delay. give them monday off if you really must. but why in the world would you announce an entire week of snow days before the week even starts??

and no, i will not think of all the children who are no doubt ecstatic over this news. their vacation starts thursday, wednesday afternoon actually. and the snow will still be here then. patience is something they all need more of.

*Snow Day - The Honorary Title

tell me only lies

we went out this morning to deal with the mountains of snow outside. and by deal i mean take pictures of my parents shoveling and offer to help when theyre almost done. (i'll post a picture as soon as i get them off my camera.) we were also planning on taking the brothers sledding. after playing around our driveway for a bit, though, brother number 2 had enough cold and wetness and went back inside to watch tv. me, my sister, and brother number 1 went to go sledding. it didnt work. at all. the snow was too dry and powdery and deep. you just sank right down into it and sat there for a while. it wasnt really wet enough to even make snow balls either. so after a while we head back to the driveway to see how far my parents got on the shoveling. i smile at my neighbor (the one that was shoveling yesterday) and he glares at me in a truly neighborly fashion. my sister starts saying how he looks lonely and we should offer to help him shovel. i didnt agree.

my dad starts talking to the dude, and he looked just as shocked as i was. but they get to talking and he says that the home owners association sent out a message saying that the balconies would collapse under the weight of the snow so you had to shovel that. so we do. my sister and i actually helped with that. and then we played baseball on the balcony with snow balls and the shovel. and danced around a bit. and talked about how the neighbor probably made the whole thing up just to laugh at us cause he hates us.

we go back inside and my mom had checked her email. the home owner's association hadnt sent anything. :/

on a completely unrelated note, this dude from a bunch of my classes had gone to senegal to visit family for the vacation. he left on thursday. he called me yesterday because he had forgotten to ask me what i wanted. he called me from senegal. we've been friends for a while, and i had edited a couple of his papers this semester, and he wanted to get me something to thank me. i felt special.

*House Lights - Steven Strait

let me do those things

i have gotten far too used to the freedom of writing style that blogger gives me... to the extent that i can barely tolerate anything else. i was on msn messenger the other day and you know what?? it didnt let me use italics to emphasize my point. i had to either italicize the entire thing i was writing or nothing at all. can you believe it?? the audacity of some people... or things. i mean, how is someone supposed to read the nuances of my speech if everything is the same font?? they cant! punctuation can only take you so far. so of course no one can tell the difference between statements like "it was really bad" and "it was really bad." the second has more of a shocked factor than the first, but you dont get that if both are "it was really bad." and some of my humor falls flat without the aid of italics and bolds to help those that are slightly slow pick up on it.

it's a shame, really.

anyways, it's snowing like crazy here... has been all night. and my stupid neighbor (the husband of the couple that hates us) is already shoveling his driveway. it's still snowing and i know for a fact that he's not going anywhere, but he cant just wait a little while and let the neighborhood look pretty and white. nooo he has to mess it all up before it even gets the chance. now there are footprints and stripes of cement and piles of disrupted snow. and it's all right outside my window. grr. the only upside is that he's been out there for at least half an hour and every time he gets to the bottom of the driveway the whole thing is white again (this happens, you know, when you try to shovel when its still snowing).

*Let Me - Rihanna

racy days help me through the hopeless haze, but my oh my tragic eyes, that i can't even recognize

those of you who know me in real life, or have read my blog for a while, probably know that i am awful at making decisions. unless i am 100% sure and passionate about something, making a decision is just as hard as climbing mount everest to me. and me, i dont get very passionate about many things.

i dont like decisions because i dont like the idea of closing the door on all those other optional roads. before i choose i can be an artist, and astronaut, a doctor. i can build houses and fix cars. i can give checkups to pets and write stories for children. but once my choice is made, those doors close, quietly, unnoticeably but securely, and then, what if i make the wrong choice? i can only be a lifeless shell full of what if's and could haves and unsatisfaction and eyes that have turned to the past and can no longer see the future. colors are grayed and lines are blurred by the waves of memory, and colors are grayed and lines are blurred by the dreariness of resignation that has become my future. dull eyes watering as i stare ahead blankly at the same thing for an endless hour as calendar pages count away the days, months, and years.

a bit depressing, isnt it?

*Change My Mind - The Killers

just wishing and hoping and thinking and praying

he collected beauty and fell in love with it.

She collected love and found it beautiful.

it was only a matter of time before their paths crossed.

She stood, her calves pressed against the cold stone of the fountain behind her. Her eyes squeezed shut as she pressed the quarter held between her thumbs and pointers to her lips for luck.

One Mississippi... Two Mississippi...

She flung the coin over her head, opening her eyes when she heard it plop into the water, turning around to see it float down to join the other wishes. To rest. To wait. To commiserate. With a final deep breath, she adjusted her hat and scarf and turned from the fountain, leaving that nagging hope behind her.

11:05. he closed his front door hurriedly and headed towards the park.

11:07. he paused to pluck one perfect blossom off his neighbor's bush and tucked it into his pocket.

11:10. he took his usual spot, perched on the lip of the stone fountain, leaning over the water, waiting.

he glanced at his watch.

11:11. his hands slid into the icy water, feeling around for the coins - the wishes - before pulling up four. his hands dipped again and came up with three. he tried for a third time and was just pulling out the last one when...

11:12. damn. he threw it behind him onto the sidewalk.

seven coins. he laid them out flat on the stone lip.

three were rusted - they were thrown out.

one was a token that read "no cash value" - it was thrown out (cause everyone knows you cant steal a wish for free).

two were pennies - they were thrown out.

he picked up the shiny, perfect quarter which held in it one shiny, perfect wish, and went back home.

*****

i didnt really plan to put these two characters together, to join their story lines, or to even make them story lines beyond what was written in this blog. but i guess they had different intentions. maybe thats why i could never get out a story for that dude - at all. he was waiting for me to create her so they could have one together. maybe i'll write more for them later... maybe not.

*Wishing and Hoping - Dusty Springfield

i hope that it puts you through hell

WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT THE HELL?!?!

she gave me a C!!! a freaking C!!!! i have never in my life ever gotten anything lower than a B+. EVER. and SHE GAVE ME A C!!!

i was all excited yesterday to be done. excited? i was ecstatic. my last exam went relatively well, my parents bought me a netbook, and i had a fun filled celebratory day planned today. and now... now my mind is deliberating between homicide and suicide and i feel like throwing up.

a C!!!

and i dont even know what the hell she was grading us on all semester. her and her stupid projects that had nothing to do with what we were supposed to be doing. and then she slept through our entire final presentation! THE WHOLE THING!!!

she was late to class and it was obvious that it was because she had been sleeping in our office. shes been dozing off occasionally during the semester because shes oh-so-important and wakes up at 4 writing one book and stays up till 1 researching for another one and teaches at least four classes. she was in and out of everyone elses presentations, but she slept through our entire thing. slept through it. how the hell do you grade someone on something if you were not freaking awake at any point in it??

WHAT THE HELL!

and if i got a C, just imagine what my worthless group got. cause let me tell you something, if they got C's too then homicide will totally trump the suicide.

and you know what else?? i tried to email her to ask her how she graded us... planning on being all polite and respectful. and she has a freaking auto-message on her email saying shes busy or something and she will get to our emails when she has the time!! what. the. hell.

i hope her book plans fall through and she will have wasted all this time and money for nothing. i hope she gets fired from all the teaching jobs she has... both at mason and marymount. i hope whatever drugs she's on kills her... slowly. no overdose for her... i hope she loses her money so she cant buy any of them and goes through withdrawal until something kills her. and then i hope she burns in the deepest depths of hell for all eternity. and i hope a dog pees on her grave.

because really... what the hell????

*Gives you Hell - All American Rejects

so bring your good times, and your laughter too we gonna celebrate your party with you

well, today is awesome for two reasons. the first being that it is the last of my undergraduate college career (yay me!) which we will get into later (possibly tomorrow) because i still have one exam left tonight and i know if i get too excited i'll completely blow it off. you know, i'll feel like okay thats it im done it doesnt matter anymore (because i havent been doing that for the past few weeks anyways. nope. not at all).

second reason, and main point of this post (isnt it great to get a post with a point from me?), is that the awesome blogger Carrie is holding a Blogging Birthday Bash today! her blog [carrotspeak.] just turned one year old, and she invited all of us to help celebrate that with her. so put on your best party outfit and come join the fun!

though carrie started her blog quite a while ago (an entire year!) i am a relatively recent follower of it. i found it through blogger's blog of note a while back and am extremely happy that i did. it's definitely worth a read. i can only hope that after a year my blog will be as entertaining, well-written, and all around awesome as hers (instead of slowly dying and turning into a place where i stop by once a week to say that nothing has happened, but i ate a really good lunch so all is

right with the world).

if you would all raise your glasses to "the birth of new friendships, the blogging outlet for self-expression, and the invention of birthday cake" (<- that was shamelessly stolen from Carrie's blog) and help me in wishing [carrotspeak.] the very best first birthday and many more to come.

what i would wear because it reminds me of belle's dress...

who i would bring because i love him....

birthday cupcakes! and theyre orange to match [carrotspeak.]!

*Celebration - Kool & The Gang

what does this guy do that i can't do?

i's are presumptuous, and the english language preaches conceit.

is it fair that 'i' get(s) capitalization when you, her, and him are denied it? what do(es) 'i' have that 'it' doesnt??

if 'a' can stand alone without taking growth hormones, what could 'i' possibly use them for??

we were taught that proper nouns are capitalized and everything else... isnt. but 'i' is not a proper noun. it's not even a noun. it's a pronoun. and pronouns are never capitalized in the middle of the sentence. not even if they refer back to a proper noun. because they lack the pompous awesomeness that real nouns get. they are the stand-ins for the actors that never get credited at the end of the movie.

and then i come(s) along with a hammer and break(s) all the rules to pieces. because what are rules where vanity is concerned?

and then, to make matters worse, 'i' cant even follow those rules. why doesnt 'me' get a capital 'm'? it's referring to the most wonderful and glorious person that is myself just as much as 'i' is. is it not??

this is why no sleep, exams, and way too much free time should not be mixed... at least not for me. i start to personify letters and hate on the english language.

*Take Me Away - Plain White T's

a woman so heartless

She clutched the brown paper bag in her freezing hand and tried to ignore the way the wind was numbing her fingers. She struggled to see past the hair that seemed intent on attacking her face for some unavenged past deed, and really only needed to keep her eyes on the ground, but couldn't help stealing furtive glances around her every few seconds. The jar seemed to grow heavier with every hurried step she took, and she was sure it would fall through the bag with the next one. But she didn't stop, and it didn't fall.

She dodged a car and slipped past the chatty grocer unnoticed, but was caught by the store owner on the next block.

"Strange weather we've been having," he started, planting his feet and getting comfortable for a long conversation.

She brushed her hair back behind her ear where it stayed in place for a minute as the wind took a break to regain its strength and put on her best apologetic smile. "It is, and I would love to stay and chat, but I really need to get this home." Her words fell a little too quickly out of her mouth and the bag she held up was a little too loud, but the store owner didn't notice and turned instead to the lady behind her. "Strange weather we've been having."

The wind started back up and she let it push her on towards home, ducking her head when recognition flashed in a pair of familiar eyes. An arm still shot out to grab her, but she twisted away before it could get any purchase. "I'm sorry, I really have to get-" she called back over her shoulder, not bothering to finish the sentence because she was already out of earshot and the wind was eating her words anyway.

She kept her eyes on the ground now and made it to her house uninterrupted. Her free hand - kept warm in her pocket - was able to get her inside without slowing her down. She allowed herself one sweeping glance of the nearly empty street outside her front door before shutting it out of view with a muted thump.

Her hair gave up its attack and hung limply at the sides of her face, tired from the fight. The wind couldn't reach her and her body began to remember that it had two hands instead of one. She continued to her bedroom, closing the door behind her and the curtains in front of her.

She walked over to the bookshelf in the corner, her eyes quickly adjusting to the dim light, and pulled the jar out of the bag. She spared it only a moment's glance to make sure it was alright before putting it on the shelf with the others. The collection of jars thudded softly in the filtered light that struggled to make its way through the curtain. They beat in perfect harmony with each other, and she sat down cross-legged on the floor to listen.

Each heart beating out a tune of love - unrequited though it may be - against the glass of the jar. She closed her eyes and swayed to the rhythm, trying to remember the name or the face that went with each one. She couldn't, and it only bugged her for a second.

Immune to emotions as she was, there was something irresistible about a heart in love. Something magical and other-worldly that she really couldn't help but reach out and grab. She couldn't find it in herself to feel guilty about it as the melancholy beat enveloped her in a bittersweet song of desire.

She sat on the floor as the room got steadily darker and her collection of hearts thudded on.

*Heartless - Kanye West

he's trying too hard, and he's not quite hip, but in his own mind he's the he's the dopest trip

okay i just remembered something from class yesterday that i wanted to post. and then i'll go work and none of you will see me again until i finish school... maybe.

anyways, we were sitting in class waiting for the professor to come, and this dude in front of me is talking about pens and stuff. im not really listening much. then he says, "i'm gonna get a bunch of cool pocket protectors and bring them back."

the whole class turns to stare at him.

"umm... i dont think they were ever in to bring back. cool and pocket protectors really don't go together," one guy said.

"they were in for a very small select group of people, i'm sure. but then i'll just bring them."

he was semi-joking (not really) but it was a perfect way to end my semester: having the true IT geekiness shine in my last class. i have to admit, i was a little embarrassed to be sitting in the same room as him, breathing the same air, but at the same time, the more he talked about it, the more it made sense. and aside from his lame jokes, i never really considered him a geek.

maybe i did choose the right major after all.

*Pretty Fly (For a White Guy) - Offspring

and with the way you've been talking, every word gets you a step closer to hell

okay so there's been a bit of a buildup of blog posts in my head that i wanna get to, but i've been busy with ending the semester and stuff. today is the last day i have any busy work (typing up notes, editing a paper, doing a homework) and then it's a walk in the park to ending my degree. three exams and i'm done. and since i dont see exams as the bane of my existence as most others do, i'm just waiting for today to be over.

but i felt like blogging before the work. i mean, this is my last chance to procrastinate undergraduate work ever ever again. i need to make every moment count. so today's post will feature a story thats not about me or anyone i know personally, but that i feel needs to be shared regardless.

my sister is a communications minor. she recently had a project do on media which was a bunch of group presentations and stuff. this story comes from one of those other presentations in her class.

a girl, i have no idea what her name is, is presenting, and starts talking about her ex-boyfriend. she had been questioning their relationship and so got a book to see how "they should be." this book gave her the courage to break up with him, because she saw that what they had was not true love. (side note: when i was hearing this, all i could think of was that book that dorian grey read. the power of books over people is astounding.)

anyone wanna hazard a guess at which book this was that gave her such great knowledge and courage and whatever else she got from it?? you probably know...

it was twilight. yes, this girl dumped her boyfriend because they did not have what bella and edward had. i think that girl may have been dropped on her head one too many times as a child.

i could go into a long rant about the absurdity of this girl and how much better off her ex is without her, but i wont. i'll leave that up to all of you. you'll probably do better jobs at it, too. i'm not even going to go into any details about how she needs to learn how to separate reality from fiction. if i, great lover of fiction that i am, can do it, so can she. instead, i'm going to tell you why edward, though seemingly almost perfect on paper, would be the most obnoxious boyfriend in real life.

first, he is so effing clingy. i realize that bella is just as clingy, so it probably goes unnoticed by both of them most of the time, but omg the clinginess would drive me mad. second, sometimes i dont like to tell people exactly whats in my head every second of every day. and if they get reproachful because i dont or because i take too long to tell them all my thoughts, well, they could just go die. i dont care if hes used to reading minds. third, he is way too controlling. you cannot tell me who i can or cannot be friends with, im sorry. and if you disconnect my car's battery cables so that i cant go out to see said friends, i will not leave my window open for you. and then, when you finally get over your controllingness a little, i will not view it as some amazing kindness and generosity on your part. fourth, he acts like he knows everything in the world a little too much. i realize that he has been around forever, so that is probably the case, but get down off your pedestal once in a while. fifth, someone constantly trying to save me from everything would get a bit annoying. the big, life threatening things okay, but small everyday stuff would get on my nerves. sixth, bella is constantly doubting herself around him. i'm sure i imagined this, im sure i really didnt see that. i would hate that. seventh, he keeps too much that has to do with her from her "so she wont get upset." i think that would kill me even more than anything else. someone feeling im not up to knowing whats going on in my own life. ugh. i'm sure there's an eighth and probably a ninth and tenth, too, but i really dont feel like thinking hard enough to come up with them. those were what were on the top of my head.

i like edward as a character, but i would never in a million years agree to a single date with him in real life. i dont care how much he sparkles.

i kinda feel sorry for the girl. she's always gonna be disappointed. she'll never find what she wants, and when she does, she'll realize how awful it is.

*Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks - Panic! at the Disco

have you ever had a slow moment when your brain forgets how to read?

i just spent the last couple of minutes staring at the word suggest, reading it sugg-est (as in the most sug), and trying to figure out what it meant.

and i'm in my last week of college classes. you can tell this education was a good one.

have the mind of state like i'm so great, can't nobody do it like you

okay, you know what facebook? you need to really calm down with the whole a-bazillion-people-joined-me-so-i-think-i-rule-the-world thing, okay?

i came to your defense when you went through more makeovers than any respectable website should have in the course of a year. when you tried to sell people's information, i joined you in blaming them. when you were the reason for broken relationships, unemployment, and expulsions, i didnt point any fingers at you. no, i went right along with you in saying that they really shouldnt be posting stuff they dont want the public to see. when you added so many applications it took an hour for a single page to load, or when you go through your multiple mood swings when i cant sign in, i took all that in stride. because i understood, facebook, that you cant be perfect.

but for the love of god and all things holy, you have taken things too far.

i've tried to ignore your pushiness. i really have. i've skimmed over the "suggestions" telling me to make facebook better for so-and-so and reconnect with whats-her-face. i looked the other way when you told me to find a profile picture for one person (though thats definitely not my job) and find friends for someone else (even though that borders on unprecedented levels of patheticness). i convinced myself that this was not you trying to be a control freak, but rather you trying to promote your mission of connectedness. and it didnt quite matter that it was not the way any mannered person would go about doing it.

but facebook, i cannot make excuses for you any longer. this is ridiculous. when you no longer just suggest people i should talk to and try and support your suggestions with percentages and bar charts, but actually try and tell me what to say, that is where i draw the line.

maybe i dont want to say hello to someone. maybe i've always been a hi kind of person. and perhaps i have a reason for not asking someone else how theyre doing. did you ever think of that? maybe i already know because i dont rely on you completely to talk to people. or maybe i dont really care how theyre doing at all.

so facebook, you really need to back off. this popularity thing has gotten to your head, and i must say it is not very attractive.

*Conceited - Remy Ma

i've got no expectations to pass through here again

i sometimes get in these moods where i will illogically expect online contact from people. like, i'll have not written anything new on my blog for a couple of days, but i expect a comment. or i expect an email from a friend i havent talked to in a while, despite the fact that i havent emailed her. or a facebook message even. or i'll expect them to be on msn just because i finally got on. it's not that i want them to or are hoping they are, no i fully expect it. it's really quite presumptuous of myself. and then when there are no comments, emails, messages, contacts online... i get so disappointed.

i dunno why those moods were on my mind this morning, because i havent been in one for a while.

anyways, you know that cuppycake song that that little girl sings that then gets stuck in your head for the next seventeen months? here's a remix kinda:

i just found them (the phoenix philosophy) this morning and im still not sure how much i really like them, but the video looks like so much fun.

*No Expectations - Rolling Stones

and since there's no place to go, let it snow let it snow let it snow

just in case there's anyone who didnt get it from the title, it's snowing! first snow of the season. and its so pretty.

i love snow.

of course, it cancelled the family lunch plans we have every saturday which my brother was super bummed about, but whatever.

we went out with my brothers and neighbors' kid. it was fun.

*Let It Snow - Sammy Kahn

this can't be happening to me, this is just a dream

last night, i had a weird dream that freaked me out while having it but that i found pretty hilarious while telling it to my sister and brothers later. one of the main parts of the dream was that my teeth fell out. out of nowhere. all of them... well, except for three.

according to this article, dreaming that your teeth falling out is the 6th most popular nightmare and actually has a meaning:

A great number of people actually dream of having their teeth fall out. Teeth are necessary to speak, eat, present a good appearance, and can be a weapon to protect yourself. Losing teeth sometimes suggests you are having a problem making a choice. You might feel you cannot communicate your real feelings, doubt your ability to take care of yourself, or simply fear speaking in public.

i'm not really sure which one of those my brain was trying to work out while it had the break from my normal pointless flood of thoughts. i could think up things for each of them... except the ability to take care of myself. of course, that might be the one that caused the nightmare because the rest i can face in my normal life? no?

anyways, the article is interesting and worth a read.

*Just a Dream - Carrie Underwood

the future has arrived today

guess what?!

i just got into the computer forensics master's program! yay!

the email literally just got into my inbox like a few minutes ago "following up" on the acceptance letter thats supposedly in the mail.

you dont understand what a relief it is to know that i have something to fall back on next semester. of course, i'm going to wait and see what happens with the AIT program before i accept this one. if i get into AIT i'll downgrade forensics to a certificate and get kinda both.

the future is no longer a question mark... kinda.

*sigh of relief*

i am happy.

*The Future Has Arrived - The All-American Rejects

lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all, but lend me your heart and i'll just let you fall

*sigh*

*Awake My Soul - Mumford and Sons

stop, you ruined all my memories

i have never been the biggest fan of change, but i think the worst change of all has to be when things in your past change. i love my memories, all of them. memory lane is perhaps my favorite place to take walks. i love the slightly sad feelings of nostalgia, the tightening of your chest as you remember perfect days now long gone into the realms of the past.

and then, when those memories get tainted by a comment or an action or whatever from the present, it kills me. it ruins everything. everything gets put under the deformed magnifying glass of pointless analysis. something someone says or does now can forever change your thoughts on what happened then. cause you can never be sure.

your memories become muddled messes, riddled through with holes from the vicious teeth of the what if's that have set up shanty towns throughout your mind, refusing to leave.

and no matter what you do, however hard you try, you just cant put them back to how they used to be. you cant ctrl+z your memories. your thoughts write with permanent ink, and the question marks scribbled over the perfection can never go away.

it's at times like these that i am reminded why i am not a people person. why i would prefer to live in memories and fictional worlds where the air sparkles with golden pixie dust and people can't just pop in to destroy everything.

*Close Your Eyes - Kristin Hersh

we are not what you think we are

my flash drive suffers from a very extreme case of napoleon syndrome. it has egotistical issues. if it had a head, it would be extremely swelled. my flash drive thinks that it is a hard drive.

it thinks it has its own operating system to run, with system files and everything. it created for itself a recycle bin which i cannot delete. it created a whole bunch of hidden system files that it likes to bring out and wave around when it feels that i am not treating it with enough respect.

it is strange, that flash drive.

and in spite of that, or maybe because of that, i love it. it has character. it has ambition. it refuses to be limited to what life told it it had to be. it wants to be its own computer and by golly it will be.

i got this flash drive last fall. a friend got it from the auto show and gave it to me. since then, it has become my number one school accessory, because my other flash drive was a fatty that liked to eat my files. i have no idea why.

hmm i guess i really dont have many normal flash drives.

*We Are Golden - Mika

can’t quit carving question marks in my wrist

can you believe how fast this weekend has gone by? actually, this whole month ran past me when i wasnt looking. i got absolutely nothing of consequence done (either in the weekend or the month). i dont even want to think about what i have left to do because then i'll realize how behind i've become and maybe feel a little bad about the whole procrastinating thing. i may also realize that there are only two real weeks left of school. then exams start (i only have three this semester) and then thats it. it's over. not this semester (well, that too) but all of it . my undergraduate years of university. i have a little less than a month before i am thrown into the real world, armed with only my college degree - which, roughly translated, means i am completely unprepared. for anything and everything.

the anxiety i have been supressing amazingly well all semester is beginning to rise to the surface. i will be graduating, and i have absolutely no idea what to do with myself afterwards. yes, all my stupid little get-a-job-at-my-high-school and get-a-job-at-sacm ideas were all well and good when they were just that: ideas. but can i really see myself in either of those places? no. i cant see myself anywhere. i was born to be a lazy bum, a student who never studies, a reader, a writer, a procrastinator. i was not meant to wake up for a 9 to 5 job and do stuff or teach stuff or apply stuff i shouldve learned. i'm not so sure i can do all of that, or that i even really want to. i'm not a fan of tedious routines or schedules or people telling me what to do.

anyways, if the stupid grad school programs would get back to me, maybe i wouldnt be as worried because i'd know what i was doing come january. but one has just told me that i need to get in my teacher recommendation (which i had completely forgotten about) by tomorrow or they're canceling my application and the other is taking so long to look over that i'm afraid they've already rejected me and are just trying to figure out how to best phrase their decision that i was not meant for forensics.

the clock is relentlessly ticking away the days one minute at a time, and i have no idea what i'm going to do. what i want to do. what i should do. what i will do. everything past the end of this semester is a foggy gray screen covered in question marks.

***Update: i got the teacher's recommendation letter. ken santucci (i probably butchered the spelling :/) is the awesomest professor ever.

*The Future Freaks Me Out - Motion City Soundtrack

i've been waiting a long time

yesterday was eid, and lets pretend i wasnt too busy and wished you all a happy eid, okay? this week was just full of celebrations and events and food. cake day (birthday), turkey day (thanksgiving), and sheep day (eid).

so my eid had a rocky start, or not really start but kinda in the beginning still. i went to pray like usual which was fine, saw all those people and whatever. then my family and my sister's family went to ihop for breakfast. we ordered. we got our drinks. we waited. we waited. we waited. a table next to us came, ordered, ate, left. we waited. my dad complained. the lady said, 'you guys ordered a lot of omelets and that takes long.' none of us ordered omelets. the table behind us (where everyone had omelets) got their food. we waited. my dad complained to the waitress again. we waited. my dad complained to the manager. you know what she said? 'go sit down.' yeah, i know. my dad got pissed, obviously and yelled at the waitress again, but without yelling. you know what i mean? she finally brings out the food, being all pissy with us. we get up and leave. she shoots us a murderous glare and tells the other waiter to take the food back to the kitchen. as we leave, the manager tells my dad. 'don't disrespect my staff unless you want them to disrespect you.' wth. we go to silver diner for breakfast instead. it was awesome.

tonight, we (my mom, younger sister, me, my grandma) went to see a chanticleer christmas at my school. my grandma has been telling me to see them forever. it was the first in their national tour of christmas concerts this year. the first half was not in english. the second was a mix. i was a little iffy before they started but oh my god i loved them. and they were so happy and smiley and glad to be there and proud of themselves and talented. as soon as i find a good youtube video of them, i'll post it.

sorry for the choppiness. my flowing abilities are mia.

*Waiting - Green Day

i'm not thankful

in case you are not fortunate enough to be living in america and taking part in a day dedicated solely to stuffing your face with turkey and mashed potatoes, today is thanksgiving. people say the real reason for thanksgiving has nothing to do with food and is to give thanks for everything in your life and whatever, but we all know that these are just the people who don't have a good cook making their meal. it really is all about the food.

but in spirit of the day, here's a list of things that i am not thankful for. (the thankful one would be oh so cliche and boring). there's ten because in elementary school we had to say ten things we were thankful for.

1. i am not thankful for the misconception that leggings are interchangeable with pants.

2. i am not thankful for people who think a grey cloud changes every speed limit to ten mph.

3. i am not thankful for batteries that die just when you really need them (like an iPod just as the bus starts to move).

4. i am not thankful for the increase in movie ticket prices.

5. i am not thankful for professors who refuse to post grades.

6. i am not thankful for moronic group members.

7. i am not thankful for the fact that the "u" was kicked out of the word forty.

8. i am not thankful for group papers. stupidest project idea ever.

9. i am not thankful for hair that falls out in the shower.

10. i am not thankful for how easy it is to forget about a whole thing of yogurt in your fridge and then when it goes bad lie and say it smells like cheese when it really is just absolutely awful smelling.

what are you not thankful for?

*Don't think I'm Not Thankful - Michael English (yes, i did completely manipulate the lyrics to fit my post)

and wouldn't it be grand if we were dead?

so i was sitting talking with this kid in my class yesterday as we waited for the rest of our group members to actually show up to the meeting thay they planned - it was ridiculous., they showed up forty five minutes late. anyways, i was talking to this kid, who's actually almond boy, if you guys remember that far back. we got to talking about that dude that was thought to be in a coma for twenty three years but was really conscious the entire time. you know, the one i mentioned at the beginning of this post.

we both agreed that that would be a miserable existence, simply awful. we also agreed that living alone in your own head would most definitely cause some insanity, because come on that situation just reeks craziness. we didnt agree, however, on why (besides the whole only having yourself to talk to) it would be so miserable. almond boy said that for the twenty three years they thought he was in a coma, he was probably hoping for them to pull the plug. because really, who wants to stay alive on a machine forever? and then he was like, now that they know he's conscious, it makes everything worse because they cant pull the plug now. it goes against the hippocratic oath. but if it was him, he'd still want to die. he said that having suffered for twenty three years, he wouldnt want to suffer any longer. he'd want them to end it for him, and that would be the reason he would try to let them know he was still conscious. to tell them to kill him.

i wasnt sure what to think about that. on one hand, i suppose it is kind of true. but on the other, he must have some hope that he would regain control of his muscles or whatever and make a recovery? yes? no? almond boy knew exactly what he would want and do in a situation like that. i have no idea.

and then i got to thinking, you know in movies and shows and i suppose it happens in real life, too, but ive never witnessed it so i cant be sure, when someone goes into a coma everyone goes and says what theyve always wanted to but never got around to saying to him? some of those things are probably good. it'll make him happy to hear what they were saying to/about him. but some of them would be awful. confessions to lighten the other person's burden. things you would never have the courage to say to him if he wasnt a vegetable.

and like dream world in narnia, how could the good thoughts stand a chance when the bad ones are so persistent in remaining in the foregrounds of a person's mind? twenty three years of having to live over and over those confessions. nothing else to think about besides how hopeless your situation is. nothing to do but watch as everyone you loved moved on with their lives, leaving you behind? nothing to do, nothing to say. just the thought is horrifying. and then i think, you know, maybe almond boy is right.

*Dead! - My Chemical Romance

alright, that's it, i've had enough

so an hour or so ago the validating for the nanowrimo word counts opened. i uploaded my novel and was declared a winner. yay me! and now, i promise you that this is the last time you will hear about nanowrimo and my novel. or at least until my printed copy of the book comes, but that wont be for a while so the nanowrimo overload will have calmed down a bit. because, seriously, i think ive bored myself with all the nanowrimo stuff. sheesh.

on another note, thanksgiving break has officially started. yay!

here's my certificate. isnt it pretty?? i'd show you a picture of the shirt i'm getting, but i dont feel like it.

*Teleport A & B - The Spill Canvas

this is a lesson in procrastination

with the end of the semester drawing to a close, tests and projects are being thrown at all of us with full force (if not, then i am extremely jealous of you).

with all these things to do, we'll all need things to procrastinate with (because we obviously cant be expected to just work the whole time. right?). here's a couple of things/news stories ive been wasting time with. feel free to put off important work with any of them.

>>first, take a moment to be thankful that you're stuck sitting at your desk with a bunch of work to put off instead of conscious, paralyzed, and presumed to be in a come, like this guy. doctors thought he was in a coma for 23 years! when, in fact, he wasn't and couldn't tell them.

>>now that you've put everything into perspective, take a philosophical minute and think about your perception. i found this article interesting. a famous musician played in the subway the night before his big show (with $100+ tickets) to the people who were probably attending the show the next night. everyone ignored him.

>>let loose your inner artist, and have fun making picasso-esque pictures online.

>>or be artistic by making flowers.

>>find out which drugs each of your internet addictions are compared to.

>>if you're going on a trip soon, use this packing list to know what to pack. or, if you're like me and aren't, use it anyway just to compare what you usually pack to what it tells you to.

>>make a short animated video (or ten) to practice your directorial skills.

>>if you're like me, and get lost in lists, this site will keep you occupied for a while with a long list of lists to peruse.

>>this is an image 100m long that fascinated me for some reason. it's worth a minute or two of your time to look at.

>>find out what the no. 1 hit song was in either the US , the UK, or Australia the day you were born. my US one was where do broken hearts go by whitney houston.

>>this hypnotized me for a while before my brain got around to realizing how stupid and pointless it was.

>>entertain yourself with the crazy rabbit.

>>and finally, find out why you yawn and why yawns seem more contagious than just about anything.

*Failure By Design - Brand New

and i'd choose it over you any day

sincerely, mr. nobody was sent out to anyone who asked to read it. if you don't get it, let me know. if you didnt ask, but you want to read it, let me know too.

the best reward is earned, and i've paid for every single word

I FINISHED!!

exactly three weeks since i started, and not quite 52k words and 84 single spaced pages later, i have finished.

sure, i dont really like audrey as much as other characters i have written. i dont even really feel that i made her up. i just told her story. and crappy or amazing, polished or not, it is done. and at the moment, i am very fond of it. even if it is complete crap, it's complete. i did it even though it seemed impossible.

aah im excited!

i should probably get over to some of my school work now, but i'll email it out to everyone who asked in the next day or two for you to read whenever. i think i should probably wait a bit to reread it myself though. maybe i'll wait for december which is technically editing month anyways.

i cant believe i actually finished this!

*Chase This Light - Jimmy Eat World

now my head is empty and the workload keeps on growing

with a little over five hundred words to cross the finish line (and a little more than that to finish the novel) i need a break. and since i'm obviously not gonna write the paper for tomorrow night, let me go into details about yesterday.

first: new moon.

i'm probably part of a very small percentage here, but i didnt hate the twilight movie. was it a great movie? no, but nor was i expecting it to be one. having a lot more money thrown into it than twilight, new moon was definitely better put together with way better effects. a lot of people had a problem with twilight being all about character development and no action. new moon is the opposite. the main focus is the action, and all the character development is pushed into second place. but, like any book to movie adaptation, thats really just because you cant put a million pages of text into a movie. i have to say though that the movie is one of those ones that feel like no time has passed but then you realize its been two hours... not necessarily a bad thing, but a thing. i liked how those chapters that were just months were translated into the movie. i liked jessica - she's hilarious. there was one point though i had to exert some serious will power to stop from laughing out loud at the pure idiocy of the scene. i was embarrassed for the actors. i was embarrassed for the director. i was embarrassed for myself. when alice shows aro that she sees bella becoming a vampire, they cut to this scene of bella and edward running through a meadow. omg hilarious! i'm not a good movie judge cause i can pretty much like anything, but i thought it was good.

second: the party.

it was fun, too. everything was completely last minute. i sewed the bow ties onto our shirts before we went to the movies. then when we came back we made the games, decorated, made the cake, made the TV (to take pictures in), and did everything else. we got home a little after 2, and had to have everything done by the time the boys got home from school at four. we just made it. birthdays in our family are more of a family than friends thing, so it was just us, my sister's family, and my grandma, but it was super fun. as soon as i upload the pictures, i'll show you all my awesome geek shirts.

random snippets from today:

my brother at dinner: when i become a food cricket i'm going to give this cake four a pluses!

my dad talking to his computer (yeah thats where i get it from): thank you, mcfadden (he means mcafee)

ok so i just made a mental list of all the stuff i needa get done this weekend, and i'm pretty much screwed... it kinda makes me wanna go to sleep early tonight.

*Procrastination - Amy Winehouse

twisted words changes what things used to be

my professor decides to tell us now that he wants us to send what we've got of our semester long project to him by sunday night so he can review it before we meet with him on tuesday to basically do a run-through of our presentation. what we have now is five different empty word documents. for some reason, i dont think he'll be too impressed with that.

so instead of working on that, i'm working on my novel. of course. this weekend has decided to throw bucketfulls of hecticness at me, so i'm not even sure if i'll finish by this weekend. i really hope so, though. anyways, it has been amusing me today.

i was "sloganizing" my title for my novel, and i got:

"tell him about mr. nobody, mommy"

i suddenly got the feeling that mr. nobody was not as innocent and good as i had originally thought. but maybe i've just been hanging out with anisah and family guy too much.

also, nano has made me forget how to write. i was typing this morning, and instead of writing 'next' i wrote 'neckst.' my brain apparently likes to complicate things. then tonight, i wanted to write, throwing a napkin and i wrote throwing up a napkin. completely changed the scene. i almost went with it, but then changed my mind because i didnt want my main character getting sick right before christmas break. it just seemed mean after everything else she's been through. plus, why the hell would she have eaten a napkin to throw it up? looking back, i shouldve went with it. it would have provided lots of words.

my main character also decided to bless me with the knowledge that she has a weird aunt. i didnt know she had any relatives at all. shows how much i know, right?

today was good. saw new moon and had my brother's bday party. i'll go into details for both later. maybe. if i feel like it.

*Twisted Words - MXPX

it's been a bad day, and tonight my love, it only gets worse

don't you just love the days when you wake up to a bad day and then it surprises you by getting progressively worse in ways you didnt expect? they're the best days - i love surprises.

you know what else i love? waking up over an hour before my alarm clock is supposed to go off and falling back asleep just when it decides to ring. having no phone on the one day of the week that i actually need it. being held up in the morning to repeat the same effing computer advice youve been giving for the past two weeks, realizing youre late, and not finding the pants you want. arriving to campus at 10:06... when the shuttle leaves at 10:05. having a group that never ever ever shows up to class. ever. feeling your iq drop considerably as you read through page after page of lamebook because it's like a stupid car wreck and you cant look away, and theres really nothing better to look at anyways. dealing with my wonderful family. stabbing yourself with the stupid needle repeatedly because youre too annoyed to sew right. getting stupid emails from moronic other group members, and just when you think the university has gone to the proverbial dogs and the students cant get any stupider, your other group decides to prove you wrong.

hunger and migraines go together like peanut butter and jelly. theyre so much better when you have them both at once.

*Never Said Anything - Steven Strait

my life's so pitiful. give me one good reason why i shouldnt end it all. if there's a reason then i haven't found it yet.

ever get these days? no?

*Pitiful - Sick Puppies

like saturn's rings, an icy loop around me

gah im freezing. i'm sitting under my blankets (yes with an s) and shivering. i really want to go change my shorts and tshirt into sweats and a hoodie, but i cant make myself get out from under the feeble warmth of my covers.

and i need to get out of bed to make the shirts for my brother's birthday on friday. he chose technology as his theme sooo i'm making us t-shirts with our names written out in glow-in-the-dark binary digits. geeky? maybe. awesome? yes. so far the shirts just have our names written on the back (i did that this morning). i'm really thinking of just doing them tomorrow, but my grandma is coming tomorrow so the house is going to be a commotion. and then friday i have to decorate and i'm going to watch new moon with my sisters and their friend(s). right now is really the only time.

i'm trying to tell myself that if i get up to do the shirts i can change at the same time, but it's not working.

i think my body is mad at me because i sat outside playing with barbies and cardboard boxes and webcams and robots in class for over two hours today as the temperature got progressively lower.

i. am. cold. brr.

*It's Beginning to Get to Me - Snow Patrol

it's time for me to do it on my own

i am coming to an end in my nanowrimo novel... kinda. thirteen thousand words really isnt much in the grand scheme of things, and that's about how much i have left. it will be over by the weekend, if not sooner.

and i have to say, i loved it. i'm glad i did it, and even though there were times i felt like i was wasting my time writing crap, i dont regret anything about it in the least. sappy as this is going to sound, it made me feel like a writer.

sure, this novel may not amount to anything. it might very well end up completely unedited in my recycle bin. that'll be decided later. but that's not the point. the point is that it was written. i wrote a book from beginning to end. the good parts and the bad, the fun parts and the boring. it's all there on paper, not part on paper and part in my head. it has given me that boost of encouragement that i needed to finish the rest of my half-finished stories. the knowledge that i can do this. i did it once, and i could do it again. easily.

i wrote this in chapters. i have never done that before. writing it in chapters made it, to me, feel more real than if i hadnt. the chapters may be short and some of them may be illogically cut off, but they are still there. i can say, i'm writing chapter nineteen of my novel.

that's another thing, calling it a novel. i have never ever done that before and it gives me a thrill whenever i say "my novel." everything was always a "story" because i knew deep inside it would never amount to anything. it would be unconnected scenes haphazardly put together into a story line. but this, this is a novel. and after the month finishes and i get it bound for free, it will be a book. i will have a book on my shelf written by me.

i will have created the characters, the plot, the everything all by myself. me. i did it. and they will be bound together in a tangible format for forever.

i really dont think anyone can understand how amazing that is to me. words can't do it justice.

my entire life, i have wanted to be an author. i was writing stories for as long as i can remember. even when it was pushed behind so many other things, the want to be a real writer lurked in the recesses of my mind. just the thought of finishing this and seeing it printed gives me a heady feeling.

okay, enough with all the sappiness. i have decided to let a few people read it when it's finished before i read it myself so that i can know whether to waste time editing it or not. it's going to be at least 50,000 words so i know it's a little long, but i would love you forever if you gave me some feedback. like real feedback. what you liked, what you hated, what made you want to stab me for making you read because it was so pointless and boring a little part of you died. you know, that kind of stuff. you could take as long as you want and you dont even have to read the whole thing, even a chapter would help, and i would be forever in your debt. if you would like to be one of these people, let me know either through the comments or email me at shai6anah (at) gmail (dot) com.

*Try It On My Own - Whitney Houston

it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes it worse to live without it, but let's talk about it

so i was sitting on my bed, typing out my novel furiously on joe, determined to get to thirty five thousand words before the weekend ends.

my sister comes up from doing the laundry (yeah, i was surprised too. i've been doing our laundry for as long as i can remember). anyway, conversation turned to the beach boys (it was very logical i swear) and so obviously i open itunes and start playing them.

i love the beach boys, but at the same time listening to them makes me inexplicably sad. they remind me of california days. of life before everything got all complicated. of unadulterated happiness. of flintstones at great america (surfer girl) and car rides with the grandparents equipped with enough blankets and pillows to bed a small country (catch a wave). they remind me of softball games and saturday morning breakfasts at the cardinal. they remind me of playing doctor to trees and failure lemonade stands. they remind of the santa cruz boardwalk and fisherman's wharf. seals and clam chowder. days at the capitol reef pool. neighbor's who would sit on top of their tree house and call, "ahoy there neighbors!" christmas in the park. the learning company, terrell, allen, brook knoll. dance parties in our living room. figure skating and miss america. black licorice.

when california girls would play, my grandma would never fail to tell us, "that's you girls."

then one song came on, and i swear i almost cried. like my eyes welled up and my throat tightened and everything. i'm not a cryer. anyway, this song (do you wanna dance?) is and always will be the song i associate with my grandpa the most. when the song came on with him, he would tell us, "if anyone ever tells that to you, let me know and i'll beat them up." i miss him.

now i'm sad.

Update: okay, so i'm no longer sad because music is off and i have made my word count goal for the weekend plus a little extra. and my novel officially has a title (sincerely, mr. nobody) and a genre (literary fiction) and a fake synopsis. and by fake i mean it makes the story sound worse than it really is and needs to be changed when i finish writing the story.

*Wouldn't it be Nice - The Beach Boys

this love, this hate is burning me away

i hate migraines.

i love hot chocolate.

i hate cleaning.

i love not having to compete for bed space with books/papers/crap.

i hate not being able to write.

i love getting pep talk emails from real authors i have always admired.

i hate the monotony of school.

i love learning.

i hate my rubik's cube for making me feel stupid.

i love my book collection.

i hate making decisions.

i love my iPod.

i hate clinginess.

i love sarcasm.

i hate faulty memory.

i love looking through old pictures and movies.

i hate bad grammar.

i love the smell of horse stables.

i hate the pointlessness of this post.

i love its simplicity.

what do you hate and love?

*This Love, This Hate - Hollywood Undead

love that could've been, if i'd only thought of something charming to say

nanowrimo has this procrastination station where they put random stuff for you to procrastinate writing with - 2 a day. these can be forum topics or outside links. anyways, this morning they had a link to the forum topic of weird words. i'm not going to get into all of them, but i thought i'd mention one.

esprit d'escalier: thinking of a witty remark too late; hindsight wit or afterwit

i hate when this happens... absolutely abhor it. and it seems to happen so so much. if i had a time machine, i would use it to rewind the few minutes that pass before that amazingly witty thing pops into my head. the thing that is so perfectly funny and clever that people will remember it forever. it will be immortalized in books and written on gravestones. it will be tattooed on bodies and quoted in everyday conversation by anyone who's anyone.

just in case this post makes me seem like im really dimwitted, i promise you i'm not. i can think up witty things on the spot, too.

i dunno if you have heard this song before or not, but i love it. when i read this word, it popped into my head. after listening to it, i realize the lyrics don't exactly fit, but whatever, it's still awesome:

*The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie

go ahead as you waste your days with thinking

so i have had writer's block over the past few days... both in my novel and my blog, which explains the stagnant state of both. my word count has risen less than a thousand words in three days. remember sunday when i wrote seven thousand words in one day? no? well, you'll have to take my word for it then. and remember back when my blog used to contain posts more interesting than an exaggerated hate for picture days? actually, that time may not have ever existed, but let's just pretend.

this is a weird type of writer's block, though. i have tons of ideas. that's not the problem at all. and i have words that go with those ideas, so i'm good on that front. and though i have had less time than usual to write, there are times when i sit refreshing my email repeatedly hoping for someone to contact me. so where's the writer's block, you're probably wondering. well, those ideas and words and everything are so comfortable in my head, that they refuse to take the trip down to my fingers where they can then be put on screen or paper. i sit there with my keyboard silent and my pen unmoving and plead with my brain to not be such a selfish bum.

but it doesnt listen.

so my character is sitting on her bed rereading the first sentance from the latest letter she recieved while the ideas for what comes next are having a party in my head, laughing at poor audrey and the pause in her story that she is unable to overcome.

the blog post ideas go unwritten until it is so after the fact that they will never be written. sad, i know.

but by four thirty today i'll be finished with classes for the week, so i'm thinking of forcing my thoughts out onto paper. i'm assembling a team of highly-trained, armed soldiers to do the marching.

on a different note, i had lunch yesterday with an elementary/middle/high school/college friend that i havent seen in forever - like since march or april. and that made my week.

*Move Along - The All-American Rejects