it's time for me to do it on my own

i am coming to an end in my nanowrimo novel... kinda. thirteen thousand words really isnt much in the grand scheme of things, and that's about how much i have left. it will be over by the weekend, if not sooner.

and i have to say, i loved it. i'm glad i did it, and even though there were times i felt like i was wasting my time writing crap, i dont regret anything about it in the least. sappy as this is going to sound, it made me feel like a writer.

sure, this novel may not amount to anything. it might very well end up completely unedited in my recycle bin. that'll be decided later. but that's not the point. the point is that it was written. i wrote a book from beginning to end. the good parts and the bad, the fun parts and the boring. it's all there on paper, not part on paper and part in my head. it has given me that boost of encouragement that i needed to finish the rest of my half-finished stories. the knowledge that i can do this. i did it once, and i could do it again. easily.

i wrote this in chapters. i have never done that before. writing it in chapters made it, to me, feel more real than if i hadnt. the chapters may be short and some of them may be illogically cut off, but they are still there. i can say, i'm writing chapter nineteen of my novel.

that's another thing, calling it a novel. i have never ever done that before and it gives me a thrill whenever i say "my novel." everything was always a "story" because i knew deep inside it would never amount to anything. it would be unconnected scenes haphazardly put together into a story line. but this, this is a novel. and after the month finishes and i get it bound for free, it will be a book. i will have a book on my shelf written by me.

i will have created the characters, the plot, the everything all by myself. me. i did it. and they will be bound together in a tangible format for forever.

i really dont think anyone can understand how amazing that is to me. words can't do it justice.

my entire life, i have wanted to be an author. i was writing stories for as long as i can remember. even when it was pushed behind so many other things, the want to be a real writer lurked in the recesses of my mind. just the thought of finishing this and seeing it printed gives me a heady feeling.

okay, enough with all the sappiness. i have decided to let a few people read it when it's finished before i read it myself so that i can know whether to waste time editing it or not. it's going to be at least 50,000 words so i know it's a little long, but i would love you forever if you gave me some feedback. like real feedback. what you liked, what you hated, what made you want to stab me for making you read because it was so pointless and boring a little part of you died. you know, that kind of stuff. you could take as long as you want and you dont even have to read the whole thing, even a chapter would help, and i would be forever in your debt. if you would like to be one of these people, let me know either through the comments or email me at shai6anah (at) gmail (dot) com.

*Try It On My Own - Whitney Houston