can’t quit carving question marks in my wrist

can you believe how fast this weekend has gone by? actually, this whole month ran past me when i wasnt looking. i got absolutely nothing of consequence done (either in the weekend or the month). i dont even want to think about what i have left to do because then i'll realize how behind i've become and maybe feel a little bad about the whole procrastinating thing. i may also realize that there are only two real weeks left of school. then exams start (i only have three this semester) and then thats it. it's over. not this semester (well, that too) but all of it . my undergraduate years of university. i have a little less than a month before i am thrown into the real world, armed with only my college degree - which, roughly translated, means i am completely unprepared. for anything and everything.

the anxiety i have been supressing amazingly well all semester is beginning to rise to the surface. i will be graduating, and i have absolutely no idea what to do with myself afterwards. yes, all my stupid little get-a-job-at-my-high-school and get-a-job-at-sacm ideas were all well and good when they were just that: ideas. but can i really see myself in either of those places? no. i cant see myself anywhere. i was born to be a lazy bum, a student who never studies, a reader, a writer, a procrastinator. i was not meant to wake up for a 9 to 5 job and do stuff or teach stuff or apply stuff i shouldve learned. i'm not so sure i can do all of that, or that i even really want to. i'm not a fan of tedious routines or schedules or people telling me what to do.

anyways, if the stupid grad school programs would get back to me, maybe i wouldnt be as worried because i'd know what i was doing come january. but one has just told me that i need to get in my teacher recommendation (which i had completely forgotten about) by tomorrow or they're canceling my application and the other is taking so long to look over that i'm afraid they've already rejected me and are just trying to figure out how to best phrase their decision that i was not meant for forensics.

the clock is relentlessly ticking away the days one minute at a time, and i have no idea what i'm going to do. what i want to do. what i should do. what i will do. everything past the end of this semester is a foggy gray screen covered in question marks.

***Update: i got the teacher's recommendation letter. ken santucci (i probably butchered the spelling :/) is the awesomest professor ever.

*The Future Freaks Me Out - Motion City Soundtrack