Sunday, January 31, 2010

i lock myself inside my room i wanna be alone

i'm not sure how caught up you are with recent literary news, but in case you didnt know, the author jd salinger recently died at the age of 91. (he wrote the catcher in the rye for those of you who dont know.) the catcher in the rye was one of the few things that he ever published, but after his death they found a safe in his house that contained fifteen unpublished novels.

now they're not sure whether to publish these or destroy them. read the article here. i would totally buy all of them if they they were published.

salinger was awesome. he was a complete social hermit (he supposedly walked away when people approached him in the streets and ate in the kitchen if he went to a restaurant). his last interview was in 1980 and was given to a high school newspaper. he wrote one of the most famous pieces of literature, and instead of basking in the fame this entails, he turned instead to his private life and pretty much ignored everyone else.

in his last interview he said, "I love to write and I assure you I write regularly. But I write for myself, for my own pleasure. And I want to be left alone to do it." i love the quote.

according to my sister, she could "totally see [me] turning into salinger. he's so [me]!... if i was a ninety year old man."

*I Want to Be Alone - Green Day

Saturday, January 30, 2010

fox in the snow, where do you go

i am annoyed. not like spitting fire ready to bite heads off annoyed, but more gah thats so frustrating annoyed. i ordered something from amazon (read: a million things being sent in four shipments) and according to the tracking information, the first shipment arrived yesterday. only... it didnt. because i would know as i was asking everyone every two seconds if a package came or not. and my dad went out and looked around the house for it today in the all the snow. i was excited for the first shipment as it was the one that had nothing to do with school. and now i have to wait for the usps office to get back to me and let me know what they did with my stuff. grr.

random side note: i was looking out the window today at the snow falling and the neighborhood looking all white and pretty and a fox appears out of nowhere. a pretty red fox that i fell in love with. and he completely perfected the storybook scene in my head. perfected it. of course, then he ran off towards the neighborhood gazebo and disappeared from view, but it was perfect while it lasted.

also: i have finally decided to read the mists of avalon. i was obsessed with medieval times at one point of my childhood, and my mom eventually gave me her copy of this book and said that she loved it and i should read it. i never did. partly because the back of the book made it sound all pro-feminism down with males and i didnt want it to spoil my view of the knights (my mom told me it wasnt like that though) but mainly because it was an awkward size. it's really big and then thick too so it's hard to carry it around and stuff. but i figure i'm at home a lot more now so i wont have to carry it anywhere.

*Fox in the Snow - Belle and Sebastian

Thursday, January 28, 2010

breaking my back just to know your name

i really for the life of me cannot begin to understand the thoughts going through someone's head when they decide to go all cutesy-anonymous on facebook. and i'm assuming there is some sort of thinking involved in the decision, or my faith in the future of the human race will be completely shot to hell. why do people feel the need to put some stupid fake name instead of their own?? i'm not talking about nicknames or variations on your name or the added whatever in the middle or end of your name. i'm talking about the people who choose to call themselves stuff like "sweet kitty" (i just got a friend request by her... him?).

i dont get it.

what i dont get even more is how people get mad when i reject them when they're named that. especially when they have no pictures or anything. how the hell am i supposed to know who you are to add you?? i dont just add any creep who thinks we should be friends. not smart to do with arabs.

i used to just ignore these people without a second thought. but now... now these saudi children in my family are on facebook (which by the way i'm totally against) and i feel bad not adding them, but i dont know who them is. when they make three million accounts each and each account is a different made up name or cutesy thing or favorite character with made up genders, locations, ages, and everything... how am i supposed to know who to add and who to ignore?? and when i send a message asking, they get insulted. it's like, really??

so now i have to check mutual friends, ask around, try to remember who liked who and wanted to live where and decipher poorly written english just to find out the person's name. when did facebook get so complicated?? why cant you just write your name??

*Somebody Told Me -The Killers

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

you chew me up and spit me out

according to popular belief, my younger sister and i have a habit of throwing people away. i dont know exactly who started this belief or how it got so popular, but i can't deny its existence any longer. we have gotten variations of this statement from everyone: close friends to almost strangers. we supposedly like to make friends or whatever and then cut all ties with them. sounds like more trouble than it's worth, but i guess people think we find it fun?

despite the fact that so many think this, we refuse to believe them. because we really dont. i swear.

people generally fall into two really broad categories with me: friends and acquaintances. with acquaintances, i am polite and friendly whenever i see them. topics of conversation may be limited, but they exist. i will probably not go in search of an acquaintance's company. friends of mine are different and last lifetimes. it doesnt matter if i havent seen or spoken to you in five hundred years, the next time we talk it will be as if we were just together the day before. i may go through one of my antisocial phases, but that doesnt mean i'm cutting off friendships. and i will initiate contact when i want to.

some people i may know for years and years and they will never progress from acquaintances to friends. others i will meet once and just know they're a friend. there is really no rhyme or reason to what goes on in my head.

point is, whether you are an acquaintance or a friend, i will not dispose of you whenever i feel like it for no reason. i dont bother getting to know people just to experience the nonexistent thrill of cutting them out of my life.

the fact that so many people think this, doesnt hurt. it doesnt make me sad or make me question the way i come off to people. it annoys me. immensely. probably not the right reaction, but whatever.

*Shiver - Maroon 5

Saturday, January 23, 2010

somehow... someday, somewhere

she gives her heart away to anyone who asks for it... and even those who dont. she's stuck in this one horse town where the stars shine bright but so far away you can barely see them, and a whisper can start a wildfire. she figures if she breaks her heart into enough pieces and passes them out to enough people, some part of her will go somewhere someday.

*Somewhere - Barbra Sreisand

so you sailed away into a grey sky morning

"I've had it! I can't take this anymore!"

I looked up from the screen in surprise. "Can't take what?" I asked, my confusion leaking into my voice. It had been a while since I had spoken to Inspiration, and I couldn't even remember the last time she was this upset. I paused the youtube video I was wasting time with, making sure to go back the last few seconds. I wouldn't want to miss anything.

"This!" she cried, throwing her hands up in the air. She took a deep breath, and I could literally see her forcing herself to calm down. "The constant ignoring. You never have any time for me anymore."

"That's not true," I argued. "We just talked three days ago."

"You talking about your school hardly counts as talking," she said. "It's always the same now. I try and get your attention, and you just brush me off with some hackneyed excuse. You're too tired or too busy or too bored. You're always too something, and I have had enough."

The drained resignation in her voice stopped my argument in my throat. I could see it would do no good to argue now. "I'm sorry," I said. "Maybe tomorrow we could..." My voice ran off as she shook her head sadly.

"I'm leaving," she said, turning her back. Her voice rang with finality.

"You can't leave," I said. "You-" As I spoke, Creativity joined her. He handed her an old bag, its colors faded and held together with so many patches you could hardly tell what the original one was. He dragged behind him a trunk covered in stamps.

"We really can't stay here. You must see that," he told me calmly, the mark of a mind made up. "It's gotten too crowded. History spends all day sleeping on the couch, snoring over the tv that Lethargy never turns off. Math leaves his theorems and formulas lying around for us to trip on and get tangled in. English has stuffed our closet with nouns and fills the air with verbs to choke our breath. And Labor has started to act up again. Last week, he locked me in a cupboard and it took days for me to get out of there. They've put grey wallpaper over our painted walls. They turned the heat down to just above freezing. They've replaced the carpeting with hard facts. And while we're slowly suffocating, they're all thriving. They get bigger with every passing day."

"I'll tell them to be quieter and neater and nicer. I'll put them on diets and spend more time with you. I'll build more closet space for you and take the locks off the cupboards. Just please don't go," I begged.

Creativity shook his head. "It's too late for all that now," he said. "We saw the boxes labeled Master's move in yesterday, and we can't take it anymore. We were not meant to handle so much abuse. We have to leave before it kills us."

"Those boxes are empty... they'll stay empty," I tried to reason with them.

"It was nice while it lasted," Inspiration said. "But you've found other things to fill your mind, your time, your life, and we need to find somewhere to stay where we can be free."

Without waiting for me to say anything, Creativity shook my hand, Inspiration gave me a hug, and they walked out, leaving me with nothing but the grey facts and my paused youtube video.


my mind has been disappointingly uninspired lately. i miss my creativity. if you see him, please tell him i'm sorry and i'd love for him to come back.

*Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) - Vertical Horizon

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

this is a man's world, but it would be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl

so my graduate studies have officially started. i just finished my first class (actually we got out around six) and it feels great to not be waiting for it all to start still. the class doesnt seem too bad. the work looks manageable and the intro was all review to me so i was happy.

i am, once again, the only girl in the class of twenty or so guys. i think there are less than five girls in the entire forensics master's program so im thinking the chances of two of us taking the same class are slim to none. this is, without a doubt, a guy's field. even more so than IT was if you can believe that. but i refuse to be intimidated by that.

aside from being the only girl, i also feel like a complete baby. i am by far the youngest person in the class. the next youngest is at least three years older than me. one guy graduated from undergrad in 1995! you know what i was doing while he was getting his diploma?? i was finishing first grade at the time, if my math is right, being a seven year old. most of the guys are closer to his side of the age spectrum than mine.

despite that, the nerves are gone, the confidence is back. i know i can do this. young and female, i can do this.

*It's a Man's World - James Brown

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

it helps to write it down even if you then cross it out

i went through a phase where i would delete everything i wrote. actually, i'm not sure if it could be considered a phase since it went on for most of my life... but whatever. point is, i would write something - short, long, good, bad - and after it was written, after it was out of my system (mind you, this could take anywhere from minutes to weeks), i would delete the entire thing. it seems stupid now, but at the time it made sense. rereading what i write always makes me come to terms with reality, and reading something that i thought was good only to realize it really wasnt was a bit depressing. and then there was the completely over the top phobia of people reading what i wrote and getting any insight whatsoever into the workings of my mind (which, if truth be told, are really not that interesting and didnt deserve all the paranoia). if it was deleted, no one could read it. and really, i was writing for myself. as long as it was written down the first time, it served its purpose.

needless to say, i regret a lot of that now. while reading over stuff i wrote years ago still makes me cringe, i take it as proof that my writing has improved - or at least my view of what good writing is has been refined. and i wish i still had some of the things that i wrote.

for example, i wrote a series of short stories - i dont think any of them even made it far into the teens of pages, but i cant really say for sure - that took the traditional fairy tales past the riding into the sunset and deeper into the happily ever after. they were a little cynical (but what do you expect from me?) with reality managing to catch up with the characters, but they all - or mostly all - kept their happy endings. for some reason, i feel like rereading these. i wrote these in high school and i liked them at the time, so in my head they are still good despite the fact that if i was able to read them now i'd probably hate them. my favorite two (or at least the two that stick out in my head the most) were the princess and the frog and pinocchio. i'm thinking of maybe rewriting them. maybe.

umm i swear there was supposed to be some main point to this post, but i think i lost it somewhere along the way, so yeah...

*Always Love - Nada Surf

Sunday, January 17, 2010

i'm over the moon, i'm under the sun

this was taken from tooly's blog Spectacularities. i'm bored and figured telling you random facts about myself would not be the worst way to waste time. the bolded ones are true.

001. i miss somebody right now.
002. i watch more tv than i used to.
003. i love olives.
004. i love sleeping.
005. i own lots of books.
006. i wear glasses or contact lenses.

007. i love to play video games.
008. i’ve watched porn movies.
010. i have been in a threesome.
011. i have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. i believe honesty is the best policy.
013. i have acne free skin. most of the time.
014. i like and respect al sharpton.
015. i curse frequently.
016. i’ve changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. i have a hobby.
018. i’ve been told i have a nice butt.
019. i carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
020. i’m really, really smart.
021. i’ve never broken anyone else’s bones.
022. i have a secret that i am ashamed to reveal.
023. i love rain.
024. i’m paranoid at times.

025. i would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. i need money right now.
027. i love sushi.
028. i talk really, really fast sometimes.

029. i have fresh breath in the morning.
030. i have semi-long hair.
032. i have at least one brother and/or sister.
033. i was born in a country outside of the u.s.

034. i shave my legs.
035. i have a twin.
037. i couldn’t survive without caller i.d.
038. i like the way that i look.
039. i have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
041. i am usually pessimistic.
042. i have mood swings.
043. i think prostitution should be legalized.
044. i think britney spears is pretty.
045. i have cheated on a significant other.
046. i have a hidden talent.
047. i’m always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
048. i think that i’m popular.
049. i am currently single.
050. i have kissed someone of the same sex.
051. i enjoy talking on the phone.
052. i practically live in sweatpants or pj pants.
053. i love to shop.
054. i would rather shop than eat.
055. i would classify myself as ghetto.
056. i’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. i’m obsessed with my blog!
058. i don’t hate anyone.
059. i’m a pretty good dancer.
060. i’m a horrible dancer.
061. i’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. i have a cell phone.
063. i watch muchmusic on a daily basis.
064. i have cried myself to sleep.
065. i have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
067. i have never been in a real relationship before.
068. i’ve rejected someone before.
069. i currently have a crush on someone
070. i have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
071. i want to have children in the future.
072. i have changed a diaper before.

073. i’ve had the cops called on me before.
074. i bite my nails.
075. i am a member of the tom green fan club.
076. i’m not allergic to anything deadly.
077. i have a lot to learn.
078. i have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. i plan on seeing ice cube’s newest “friday” movie.
080. i am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. i’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. i have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. i have tried alcohol before.
084. i have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past.
085. i own the “south park” movie.
087. when i was a kid i played “the birds and the bees” with a neighbor or chum.
088. i enjoy country music.
089. i love my best friend(s).
090. i think that pizza hut has the best pizza.
091. i watch soap operas whenever i can.
092. i’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
093. i have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. i love michael jackson, scandals and all.
095. i know all the words to slick rick’s “children’s story”.
096. halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
097. i watch spongebob squarepants and i like it.

098. i have dated a close friend’s ex.
099. i’m happy as of this moment.
100. i have gone scuba diving.
101. i’ve had a crush on someone i’ve never met.
102. i’ve kissed someone i knew i shouldn’t.
103. i play a musical instrument/s.
104. i strongly dislike math.
105. i’m procrastinating on something right now.
106. i own and use a library card.
107. i fall in “lust” more than in “love”.
108. cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. i think the lord of the rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. i’m obsessed with the tv show “lost.”
111. i am resentful that i have to grow up.

112. i am an entirely different person around different people.
113. i think the world would be a better place if people just smiled and meant it more often.
114. i think ramen is the best kind of food in the whole world.
115. i am suffering of a broken heart.
116. i am a nerd.
117. no matter where i am or who i’m with, i always seem to be lonely.
118. i am left handed and proud of it.
119. i don’t change who i am for someone else.
120. my heart resides below my feet. (i don't know what this means)
121. i am a senior in high school.
122. i enjoy smoothies.
123. i have gastritis.
124. i have nothing better to do with my time.
125. i am listening to radiohead right now.
126. most people call me by my middle name.
127. i once stole a music stand.
128. pi confuses me.
129. i love nascar!
130. i own over 200 cds.
131. i work 7 days a week.
132. i have mono.
132. i don’t have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. people tell me i have a horrible sense of humor.
134. i’m only wearing underwear.
135. i had more than one thanksgiving dinner this year.
136. i’ve driven to a different state to see a band i liked.
137. i am the most over analytical person i know.
138. i believe in wasting time.
139. i don’t listen to too much music.
140. i have a shoe fetish.
141. my favorite holiday isn’t christmas.
142. i prefer weeks off of work instead of days here and there.
143. i love sex
144. i wanna go home.
145. i don’t know what i would do without my friends.
146. christmas threw up in my dorm room and i love it.
147. friends is (one of) my favorite tv shows.
148. i’m hungry.
149. i’m still angry about the nip/tuck season 2 finale cliffhanger.
150. i’m a potterhead and proud of it!
151. i noticed there are several numbers missing from this list, making this very much not the 151st entry.
152. i lied about one of the items on this list.
153. my siblings are my best friends. my sister is one.
154. i believe cheese should be its own food group.
155. i have a problem expressing things.
156. i have lost a parent.
157. i am the most deprived person i know on the face of the planet.
158. i have at least one test tomorrow that i am not prepared for yet.
159. i love slim jims! even if they are really bad for you.
160. i am sick and tired of school so i am not going.
161. i love sundance.
162. i do not watch television.
163. i love starbucks coffee drinks.
164. i am living at least one lie right now.
165. i love wearing skirts, even if its winter.
166. i’m a techie.
167. i am writing this far, far too late/early.
168. i’m a little crazy.
169. i like the smell of white tic tacs.
170. i know at least one person in a “life or death” crisis at this moment.
171. i don’t associate myself with any political parties.
172. i always know all the gossip at my school/workplace/whatever, and nobody ever suspects it.
173. i have thought about suicide.

174. i have no idea what i am going to write for my question.
175. i can be selfish.
176. i’m so emo at times.
177. i can solve a 3x3 rubik’s cube.
178. i think the human race is evil & should be demolished.
179. i cheated on a test before.
180. i am a member of
181. i’m sick of drama
182. i need a job

title has nothing to do with the post. i was just listening to the song.

*Diamonds and Pearls - The Holloways

Saturday, January 16, 2010

stay gold

when i was searching my bookcase this evening for White Oleander (which i still cant find. grr) my eyes fell upon The Outsiders by SE Hinton which is one of my all-time absolute favoritest books in the entire world. it's been a while since i last read it, so of course i picked it up to reread for the millionth time tonight (this isnt an exaggeration... i have so many parts memorized from the number of times it's been read). i really truly love this book, if you didnt know, and think everyone should read it. i remember a friend and i read it to our class in sixth grade... most of them didnt really appreciate it.

anyways, anyone who has ever written anything in their life has been affected by what they read. the ones that deny it are the ones that usually end up being plagiarists in my experience. until i read The Outsiders tonight, i hadnt really realized what a huge influence it had over my writing. i mean, i always knew it was one influence, but didnt really grasp the extent. i dont steal scenes from SE Hinton and try to incorporate them into my own writing (though i noticed some parts that i apparently did just that :/) but some parts jumped out as what my subconscious mind is always aspiring to live up to while writing, and always falling short of.

it's not just what she writes, but it's how she writes it.

her books arent long, they dont have the fame and popularity of harry potter or twilight, they're not going to be studied in classrooms for all of eternity like the classics, but they are great books.

side note: sorry if my words arent flowing right... i cant seem to get the thoughts to translate into words very well today for some reason.

*Stay Gold - Stevie Wonder

Friday, January 15, 2010

unapologetic apathy

"I think it’s a Western notion of demonizing inactivity. No one can be productive all the time. If there’s a period of weeks when your imagination decides it needs to take a nap then maybe that’s what it needs to do." -- Elliott Smith on writer's block

no, i don't have writer's block per se, but i came across that quote, liked it, and thought i'd share it with all of you. i am, however, suffering from ennui. *sigh* i feel a little like this:

i think the ennui and apathy is my body's attempt at deluding itself into thinking that it's not nervous to start grad school, which for some inexplicable reason it is. very much so. i think the nervousness may be the result of having the threat of getting kicked out of the master's program if i get three c's shoved down my throat repeatedly in the past few days. now this probably wouldnt have affected me so much if last semester never happened. but it did. and i got a c (the plus really does nothing to soften it) and now my confidence is shot. kinda. i think if it wasnt the absolute last thing i did for undergrad, it wouldnt have been such a big deal cause i wouldve had a chance to do raise my confidence in other classes. my sister says i'm nervous because "i'm starting something new." i cant bring myself to believe that because school is school, you know?

worse is that i cant bring myself to care... and that makes me more nervous. i just want wednesday to come so it will start and i can prove to myself that i can still do this whole school thing.

*Sleep - My Chemical Romance

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

just have a little patience

i was getting an enrollment verification thingy from online the other day, and this window popped up:

when did a minute constitute a while? i mean, yes, i dont think i wouldve waited a minute for something to load, but the fact that my impatience was addressed like that made me sit back and think. we used to wait forever for pages to load. forever. and now if a page doesnt warn us that it may take a minute to open, we automatically close it? refresh it? complain endlessly about it?

everyone is always saying that our generation lacks patience. i always roll my eyes at this. sure, we dont have to walk twenty miles uphill barefoot in the snow to get to school, but we are not as impatient as they always make us out to be. we can wait for things when we have to. this makes me kinda agree with them.

*Patience - Take That

Monday, January 11, 2010

stop and rewind

okay, could someone please explain to me where the five week vacation has disappeared to?? because the fact that i am on the last week is just incomprehensible to me. it feels like yesterday that i was saying fairfax county's snow days were stealing the first days of relaxation from me. in fact, i'm pretty sure it was yesterday. and now, all of a sudden, you're trying to tell me that school starts next week?!

i still havent even gotten my paperwork done to get my scholarship extended. i havent given them my transcript, told them i've graduated, or anything. i havent prepared myself for starting grad school. i havent edited sincerely, mr. nobody. i havent worked on anything else. i havent done anything. because all of this stuff was supposed to be done during the break, and the break never happened. i was robbed. five weeks of blissful nothingness have been stolen from under my nose.

i wish i could rewind the past month and see what happened to all of it, but i cant.

so to try and cram everything into a measly five days, i'm going to the embassy tomorrow and will hopefully manage to get everything finished and settled in one morning. then i have orientation wednesday night that will ready me for grad school, i suppose. i've left editing sincerely, mr. nobody to my family. i've postponed working on anything else until the second week of classes.

tonight, though, my sister and i are listening to old music and playing barbie video games. plans can wait.

*Next in Line - Meese

Saturday, January 9, 2010

you couldnt be that man i adored

my brothers are obsessed with jeff kinney's diary of a wimpy kid series. they have all the books and it's a struggle to get them to let anyone else read them. they didnt even let my cousins touch them over the summer (ali was willing to let them borrow it for ten riyals an hour until my dad said no).

anyways, there's a movie coming out of it in april that they're excited about. today, i showed abdullah the kid that would be playing greg (the main character and writer of the diary) in the movie. this is him. i think he's adorable:

zachary gordon taken from google
abdullah was disappointed, to say the very least. his initial reaction was, "but that doesnt look anything at all like greg." i dunno how familiar you all are with the series, but this is what greg looks like:

diary of a wimpy kid 1 taken from google

i tried to tell him that greg in the books was barely more than a stick figure with three strands of hair, and it would be pretty much impossible to find a real person who looks like him. abdullah wasnt convinced and insists they could have done a better job in casting.

*Torn - Natalie Imbruglia

Friday, January 8, 2010

when you're gone

so my parents came back yesterday. you people (well, most of you) didnt know they had left, but they did. they were up in CT for a week because my grandma was sick. she's better now and they're back. i love my parents, what with them being my parents and raising me and all, and of course i missed them (i'm not really the type of person who misses people, but i suppose i did), but there were some perks to them being away.

things i miss from the last week:
*the freedom. sure, i didnt do much (someone had to babysit the two boys) but it was by choice. and when i did wanna do something i did it. without worrying about who would say what or anything.
*the totally chillaxed atmosphere of the house. there were more responsibilities, but somehow there was also less stress and tension.
*being "head of the house" and whatever i said went. there was no one of a higher rank to go against my word.
*my sister's constantly good mood... or mostly constant.
*not having to do the dishes (my sister took over that chore instead of splitting the days like we usually do).

things i dont miss from the last week:
*waking up at five every morning. that was not fun because i couldnt go back to sleep afterwards. i woke up at eight this morning, and it was heaven.
*carrying my phone with me everywhere. i'm not a big phone person and carrying it around the house in case something happened was slightly obnoxious.
*the fact that i couldnt blame anyone for messing up the oven when i just cleaned it besides myself.

i'm sure there's more for both lists, but i dont feel like thinking that hard, so let's just pretend that's it.

*When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne

i'm happy just because

because he writes "colon closed parenthesis" when he smiles and has never once neglected a punctuation mark.

because he runs his hand through his hair when he's nervous and has a smile that starts in his eyes long before it reaches his lips.

because he reads books along with playing sports and has a voice that makes your heart forget to beat and your lungs forget to breathe.

because he knows just when to make a joke and has never felt the need to fill a comfortable silence with pointless noise.

because he keeps a pencil always tucked behind his ear "just in case" and has eyes you could drown in.

because he can't boil water and always burns the toast and has the ability to make everything okay by just being there.

because he recognizes book and movie references when i talk and never needs me to slow down so he can catch up.

*At the Bottom of Everything - Bright Eyes

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

even with the lights out we'll glow

ive been trying to write a post since last night, but it looks like the four hour nights and busy days are catching up to me, and exhaustion is making me a pretentious egotist. i swear, everything i say comes out sounding so wrong - cocky enough that i think hitting the publish button would guarantee the loss of all my followers.

so until i can control my subconscious mind's big head, i'll leave you with some words of wisdom from Jane Austen:

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”

i truly love this quote... and agree wholeheartedly with it. i could go on about this quote, but i think i'd be falling into the problem mentioned at the beginning of this post.

and an interesting fact:

humans glow! really. right now, you are emitting a glow that is 1000 times less than what human eyes can see. cool, right?

*Glow - Alien Ant Farm

Monday, January 4, 2010

you gotta say what's on your mind

i want you to stop wanting me.
i need you to stop needing me.
i'd love you to stop loving me.

you don't know me, and i prefer it that way.

you're blind to reality and swear it's the only way to live.
you've got your head in the clouds, and your feet have forgotten what it feels like to be grounded.
you live in a dream world and want me to share it with you.

but we dont speak the same language, and i'm tired of being misunderstood.

we hardly ever talk anymore.
i rarely know what's going in your life; you know almost nothing of what's happening in mine.
i even think i've forgotten what your voice sounds like.

but i still think of you as one of my very best friends.

i just wish you would stop trying to fit in all the time. the moments you let your guard down is when you look your best.
you think what the latest tabloids tell you to think, and
you change your opinion on things so fast it gives me whiplash.

i'd like you better if you weren't just like everyone else: caught up in pretending to be unique.

you are selfish.
you are naive.
you can be completely dense.

but you know me better than almost anyone else. you get me... when most people dont even begin to understand.

there are days when you are the sun lighting my world, the air i need to survive. and
there are days when you drive me insane, completely mad, and i want nothing more than for you to just disappear

but i'd walk to the moon and back if you asked me to. i'd collect all the stars in the sky to keep your room bright at night.

i know it's not your fault.
i know you had no more control over anything than i did, but
when i let my thoughts wander off on their own...

i blame you. for everything. even when i know i shouldn't.

*The Truth - Good Charlotte

Saturday, January 2, 2010

i'm so excited, and i just cant hide it

oh my god.

i come home today after lunch and shopping with my brothers and sister's family. everything was calm until we parked. then, brother number one was screaming because he was cold and i had opened the car door. brother number two was screaming that he couldnt find one of his peanuts (dont ask). nephew was sleeping. i was struggling to carry a zillion things and get the door open so that everyone could get out of the cold asap. brother number two closed the car door in brother number one's face. brother-in-law yells at both brothers. brother number one gets upset about the car door and being yelled at. this was all happening in the span of about two and a half minutes, along with some other stuff.

anyways, as im opening the door, i notice a package. i refuse to get excited because my mom orders stuff from online all the time, and just because i was waiting for a package doesnt mean it's for me. everything calms down a bit, and i look at the box. it has my name on it. i open it, and come face to face with this:

which i then turn over to see this:

and finally open up to see:

is it not beautiful? does it not fill you with joy? does the sight of my name written across the front page (and the spine) of a real book not send chills down your spine at the thought of the possibilities of the future? okay, so maybe it's just me...

there are some changes i need to make (like adjusting margins and stuff and the blurb on the back needs to be changed) before i make copies for people i know, but those can wait. for now, i'm going to continue to stare at my book and eeeeeeeeeeeee.

(for those of you who knew me/knew of me in high school, the picture of writing on the cover is from The Story. i found it on my computer. i dont remember why i took it, but yeah...)

*I'm So Excited - Pointer Sisters

Friday, January 1, 2010

happy new year, happy new year

did you know that it was 2010 already??

i mean, i knew yesterday was new year's eve. i knew because i was complaining to my family about how i think it's pretty stupid to celebrate it. today is just like yesterday and just like tomorrow... just with a different year tacked on at the end. i also think new year's resolutions are some of the stupidest things ever. why do you have to make such a big deal about resolving to do the same things every year that you know you most likely not end up doing? and i really dont see why the mail can't be delivered today. what are you going to be doing on new year's day? (according to my sister, recovering from hangovers.) my mom was also saying how stupid it is to wish someone a happy new year. you're really wishing someone happiness for a whole year?? that's a tall wish. wish them a good day, okay, but a year? don't we just sound like a delightfully cheery family?

so i knew it last night, but this morning, when i saw mention of 2010 everywhere i was shocked. 2010 was going to be a big year for me... kinda like 2006. 2010 was when i was going to graduate, which i guess is technically still true even though i finished school in 2009. 2010 was when the real world was going to start, though i pushed that back a couple of years for grad school. 2010 was going to be when all the pieces magically fell into place and i would know what i wanted to do with the rest of my life. i'm still just as lost as ever, and today, i'm okay with that.

*Happy New Year - ABBA