watch me lose the life that i got but never used

"He lay down fully dressed on his bed, not meaning to fall asleep yet. He just needed to think. About what, he wasn't sure.

So instead he thought about nothing. About things in the room. About the athletic trophies in a box in the closet. How much of his life was that? The shelves of books - so much time reading. Neither of them amounted to anything. He ran. He lost or he won. No one remembered a week later. And the books he read - what did that amount to? University people were always so proud of being readers instead of television watchers, but what was the difference, really? It was a one-way transmission. I read, but it made no difference to the writer. He never knew. And when I'm dead, what will it matter the books I read? My memory is where the book ends up, just like the TV show, and when I'm dead, that memory is gone from the world.

...

After I'm dead, my parents will miss me, sure, but then someday they'll die, and then who'll remember me? Nobody. And that's fine. Because it doesn't matter."

Enchantment, Orson Scott Card (pg 324-5)

you know those days when the fact that your life is getting shorter and shorter with every breath you take just weighs down on you? you know you're wasting your life, but can't seem to do anything about it? yeah, today is one of those days.

that quote from enchantment sums up my feelings of the moment pretty well.

because, really, what am i doing with my life? i've been around for a little over 21 years, and there is absolutely nothing to show for it. i go to college. i'll graduate or i wont. i'll get a job or i wont. i'll get married or i wont. is there any difference?

i think that might be one of the reasons behind my perpetual apathy. because there's really no point in caring about anything when, eventually, no one will remember me anyways.

i always wanted to be an author. that might gain me a few extra years of remembrance. you know, if i had a popular book or whatever. but i don't do anything unless i'm sure i can do it. so of course i'll never try and get anything published. that is if i ever got over my psychotic overreaction to people reading what i write. i'm definitely not going to get my name remembered from any inventions. i can't see myself making any scientific discoveries. ever. i can't make anything arty to save my life.

and in the end, the world is gonna be gone anyways, so maybe i'm going about this the wrong way. maybe i should screw the world and focus on religion. thing is, i suck at that too. there's no reason for my suckiness. i really do believe in everything. i have the time, ability, and resources to be a really good muslim. i'm just not.

i cant make myself care about anything until i start doing something worthwhile, and i can't do anything worthwhile until i start caring. ugly cycle. reminds me of that planet in the little prince where that dude drank because he forgot and forgot because he drank.

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint

to get cut enough to wake me up

cause I know that I don't want to die

sitting around watching my life go by

and what we take from this is what we'll get

and we haven't quite figured it out just yet

because all of us are all too stuck

strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up.

This Week the Trend - Relient K

these lyrics sum my mood up too. i know you're not supposed to wish anything bad on yourself, but you know those people that have near-death experiences and come out knowing "what's important in life"? yeah, i need that.

*Out Through the Curtain - The Hush Sound