the future freaks me out

every time i open my email i'm flooded with emails about my graduation. buy your cap and gown. apply for grad school. get a job. i still have a semester to go, a notice someone didn't get when they put me on the graduate listserve. but thats not the point. the point is that every single time i see one of those emails, i panic. like for real panic. i'm going to graduate from college in eight months. that's less than a year. and half of that time is spent vacationing. and i have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life. none at all. and it seems like everyone else i know is on a path to somewhere while im treading water.

i'm 99% sure that i'll end up in grad school, but only as a way to procrastinate entering the real world. i have no idea what i would study. yeah i'm interested in computer forensics and have thought about that, but can i see myself out there in work force doing that? not really. i can't see myself doing anything. i was not made for the real world.

even the people i speak to who are having trouble with the whole school/life thing right now know what they want to do. they have some vision of the future that they're trying to get to. they have a goal. i am goalless. i have always been goalless. that's probly why i dont get worked up over school. it's never really been a goal of mine to graduate with good grades and a good degree. i'm really only going to school for my parents and the fact that there's nothing better to do.

i like school. i'm good at it. i don't stress, don't get overwhelmed. it's all routine. yes i complain about it most of the time, but honestly, i don't really think i want it to end (hence the grad school). i have the mentality of an 8 year old, and where do 8 year olds belong? in school. not out in the workforce doing god knows what.

i have been very fortunate in life so far. i have never had to get a job, never really had to work at anything. i have been very sheltered. but now, in less than a year i'm supposed to leave the safe harbor of academia and enter the real world. and i am in no way prepared.

so when i get emails inviting me to a graduate's bruncheon, i do not think 'oh yay a way to celebrate my achievements.' i think 'oh crap now what am i supposed to do?'. as much as i complain about the present, i dont really think i want the future.

*The Future Freaks Me Out - Motion City Soundtrack