swallow me whole

[one] i have these characters that live in my head. i know their names and what they dress like and look like and sound like. i  know what they would say in different situations, i know what they would do. but they don't have a defined story, they dont get to be put down in anything resembling a book. they will occasionally get a few stolen moments scrawled into the backs of notebooks and across folders, hidden in word files titled 'thing' and 'stuff,' but other than that, they wait around in my head. they talk to me occasionaly and each other even less, just waiting for their time to be immortalized in word, to be able to reach minds other than mine. and while i move along my own storyline, pushing them behind thoughts and responsibilities and pulling them in front of boredom and writer's block, they wait for a future they may never have.

[two] last night, i had the most disturbing conversation with my grandmother. ever. i stood in her room clutching my cousin's lunch bag and wishing the ground would open up and swallow me as my grandmother, completely oblivious to mine and my sister's obvious discomfort, went on and on with hand gestures and genuine interest or really good faked interest in what she was saying. halfway through the conversation she switched her views completely and as i struggled to keep up without forcing my brain to absorb any of what she was saying, apologizing to my ears, and hating my cousin for starting this and leaving, i pretended someone was calling me and escaped.

[three] this vacation so far has been filled with a bit too much sitting around houses and not seeing anyone to be normal. everyone is working. the cousins we usually spend our entire vacation with dont get home until almost eleven at night. their dad cant take us home any later than twelve, so we usually dont stay there which means we rarely see them. that in itself is way beyond weird. we spend a lot of time staring at each other's faces, tv screen, and computer screens. all of which we could be doing on the other side of the world. i am waiting for the actual vacationy feelings to start.

*Tick Tick Tomorrow - From First to Last