it's dark, and i want to get out but i can't see and i don't know which way out is. the shadows came early this time, and suffocated the light so darkness could move in. and there's nowhere to plug a night light. and there's no curtain to open. and i don't want to look around because they're trapped in here with me. they're denser than the dark, like congealed shadows. they cut and bite and burn. they wrap their fingers around your neck and squeeze until your seeing stars, but the stars don't bring any light. there's no point wishing on these stars, either, because by the time you can think of a wish you're already drowning and wishes can't be used as life preservers. you can't float on a wish. a wish can't save your life even though your life is not the one in danger, not really. they want something deeper than that. they want the part of you buried deep under veins and livers and stomachs, under the part of you that tells your heart to beat and your lungs to breathe. they want that little part that makes you you and no one else. but i can't find that part anymore. i lost it or it was stolen or they took it away because i was using it wrong. if i could, i would give it to them. i don't want to be me anyway. i can't find it; i don't have it, but they don't believe, and they come with their claws and their teeth to look for it inside of me. they don't need to run because they know we're all trapped in here. they creep around silently and i'm left cowering in a corner and straining my ears. they're hungry. and i used to be able to fight them. i used to be strong enough, but i'm not anymore. i gave all my strength away and now i'm weak and the people who took it say they don't remember and won't give it back. and they're here. and they're hungry. and it's dark. and i can't get out.
***
so this is what happens when i decide i need to write but my mind is not fully awake or functioning because it is on its own vacation somewhere cool while i'm here. doesn't really make sense outside of my head, i know. and you probably won't get what's going on because i can't form the right words, i know that too. i'm only posting this because i feel like my blog is beginning to hate me for being neglectful and there are only so many ways that i can say this vacation is ridiculously uneventful.
*Suspicious Minds - Elvis Presley
I love this. A lot. It took me two reads to get the sense behind it, but I really enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me think of how someone can fall so far into the depths of depression. I was there myself once and I remember how it felt. There was nothing that made me who I was any more, because I was no one. There was no strength to pull myself up and out of it. There was no escape.
Then someone else came into my life and he's the one who gave me the strength to live again. I used his strength to escape and leant on him for so long... And finally, I've been finding my own feet again.
Once again, a piece of yours I can really relate to.
i wasnt sure if i had been able to convey what i wanted to right, but you got exactly what i meant. you are awesome!
ReplyDeleteand i'm glad you were able to find your way out of the depression. finding your own feet can be hard, so it's good you have someone you can lean on.
You write so well. The meaning is really deep and it's something people can relate to. No one could have conveyed this better. The whole feeling involved.
ReplyDelete