Philophobia: fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in, or falling in love.
I paint myself with stardust, but every time I turn around it seems like it has just turned into dust again. I choke on the dead air, dead skin, and dead dreams. I polish and shine until my bones ache and my muscles scream out in protest, but every time I look down I'm still tarnished, still scuffed. I hook myself up to IV's filled with sugared honey until I'm filled to burst with sweetness, but every time I look inside, I see acid flowing through my veins, burning through any good intentions I might have had. The scowl on my face is one step shy of a smile, but I can't find the energy to inch myself forward. My laugh has fallen over the edge to hysterical, and my dancing eyes are more crazed than excited.
I try my best to be the best me I can be, someone who feels worthy enough, deserving, of everything she has. I think it's funny how you can be sure of having something, and just as sure that you shouldn't have it at all. But I'm not laughing; I'm waiting for you to figure it out too. I try to do the right thing but I'm stepping on toes I swear I didn't see and hitting all the wrong notes in this song that no one wanted to hear.
And sometimes... sometimes I find myself wishing for you to see me as I do, to lose the rose-tinted glasses glued to your face and look beyond the fairy tales I've wrapped myself in. I want you to see the broken pieces and realize that any hope of putting them back together is long since gone. I want you to realize that the butterflies fluttering in your stomach are really just moths and they're making you nauseous. I want you to grind my heart under your heel and walk away without looking back. I want you to break me so I'm not always waiting for it to happen.
I'm tired of peeking around corners and peering through squinted eyes down dark alleyways before taking the first hesitant step. I'm tired of looking over my shoulder and not seeing the sunlight because I'm too busy searching for the clouds. I'm tired.
I'm pushing you past your limits and you're still saying that you understand, that it's okay. But it's not okay. I want you to destroy me so I can stop worrying about it and just get started with trying to put myself back together. I want to focus on standing myself back up again instead of waiting for you to knock me down.
*I Hope I Don't Fall in Love with You - Tom Waits
sign into skype.. so mommy can see zazu.
ReplyDeleteI hadn't read the post before posting my comment... but I read it after. and OMG... it is beautiful. absolutely beautiful. that kind of tragic beautiful that rips your heart. Loved it.. :)
ReplyDeletehish loved it too.. :)
ReplyDeleteI love this post so much. Unbelievably. I felt it in the depths of my heart, Im not even speaking allegorically. In the past few months, you've really grown into your own style of writing, your own themes, and own method. It's heart-wrenching, tragically dark, but absolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteanonymous hippopotamus... thank you very very much.
ReplyDeletetooly... thank you soso much! your comment seriously made my day and you have no idea how much that means to me. thank you!
I wasn't speaking allegorically either.
ReplyDeleteI can kinda relate to this post... it is beautifully written. Absolutely amazing. Strikes a chord with me, because I can understand the emotions displayed.... I feel like I have that struggle every day, and hope that who I am won't push my boyfriend away from me. But we're working through. It's never too late for the pieces to be put back together. It just takes longer
ReplyDeleteOkay now. I am confused too cos how can we have 2 hannahs at the same time. It's almost like hannah montana and miley cyrus! I'd definitely knock her up if I get my hands on that. I guess I am not that easy of a target after all. hehehe
ReplyDeleteHannah... thank you so much! i guess everyone feels this way to an extent. but you are an awesome person, and you should never forget that.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous... hannah is a pretty common name, so i don't really think it's that weird that there are two of them. and um, not that i was the one that said this in the first place, but why are you not an easy target after all?