with one deep breath, and one big step, i move a little bit closer

doing things these days is so hard for me. i think my nesting stage is over. in fact, anything related to babies freaks me out, which is why i have a carseat in the garage instead of in my car and a nursery that is only half decorated. (twenty-three days, you guys. it is so close.) anything related to school just seems pointless because i have been having Thoughts about the direction my education is headed (and really my life in general, but i don't really think now is the best time to make huge decisions and major changes to our already agreed upon plans, so i wait). anything not related to school or babies just seems like a waste of time at the moment. time that i should be doing absolutely nothing in because this may be the last time in a really, really long time that i get to do absolutely nothing. i am suddenly overwhelmed by the list of things that i always said i was going to watch on netflix and the pile of books that i really was going to read and now seems like the right time to start plowing through them.

also, my brain is not in the best working order these days. case in point: i woke up last night needing to pee for the millionth time and noticed that my husband wasn't in bed. i figured that he had gone to work, and if that was the case, my first alarm would go off in half an hour or less and i could just wait to pee then. i managed to fall back asleep until six:thirty when i realized that his alarm should have just been going off. the rational thing to assume in this case would be that he had moved to the couch or guest room earlier in the night because i was kicking him or something, and that thought did occur to me a few minutes later. but first, first there was panic. my brain immediately jumped to the oh so logical conclusion that the baby was coming early and he had left to the hospital without me. it took longer than it should have to register with me that that was impossible because i would be the one going into labor if that happened. so yeah. you might be able to tell now why my blog has been neglected. 

along with the bouts of panic and lethargy, lately i have just been so immensely grateful and appreciative of everything. i went through a similar thing earlier in my pregnancy, but it calmed down. in fact, i was fine until shortly before my baby shower. and then my baby shower completely opened the floodgates and i was struck with how genuinely lucky i am to have such amazing people in my life. people that i can go months without talking to and then pick things up exactly where we left off. people who are kind and generous and smart and hilarious. and my family, you guys, are the absolute best. and suddenly, i am only seeing silver linings and cups half full and bright sides. which is great and all, don't get me wrong, but to a serial pessimist it is also really annoying. i'll want to complain about how i need to get up and pee again even though i just did and i just got into the perfect comfortable position on the couch, but i can't complain because i am just so gosh darn grateful for the miracle that is a functioning urinary tract and how amazing is the human body? and oh my god i want to punch myself in the face but it would likely only lead to me getting goo-goo eyes at bloody noses. 

a professor at school the other day ran into me for the first time since i think thanksgiving, and he just said, "you look really happy." and you know what? he's right. so despite everything, there's that. 

*For Reasons Unknown - The Killers