Wednesday, September 9, 2015

at the beginning of the summer, with my hormones still out of wack from the whole having a baby thing and my brain just starting to function again as cricket started sleeping better, i made some school related decisions. basically, i decided to stop it... for now. i decided to stop being the computer forensics GTA and started replying to the many emails i get from prospective students with "unfortunately, i will not be working with this program for much longer and you should probably direct your questions elsewhere." i decided to finally just drop this really heavy, really dead weight phd attempt once and for all. it had just turned into this dreadful drain on my life that i wasn't even really working towards anymore, just kind of hoping that it would either happen or go away on its own. after almost ten years (ugh) i was going to finally, finally be done with mason. at least for now. at least so i could take a breather. at least until i wanted to go back to school because i wanted to go back to school and not because i was just stuck in it. after twenty-five years of being a student (because i am counting daycare/preschool for dramatics), i was ready to throw in the towel.

fast forward to the end of the summer, and i somehow found myself signing another year long contract to be the GTA for the computer forensics program. i somehow ended up in my adviser's office talking about switching my topic and giving this whole thing one last go. i am somehow heading to school in a bit for my first office hours of the semester, and... how did this happen?! i had plans. i made decisions. i was supposed to have pulled myself out of the quicksand of my life that is academia. and yet, here i am, right where i'm always at. sigh. i mean, my scholarship ends this semester and the idea of coming out of these past few years without a degree still makes me want to throw up, so i guess this is my attempt to say that i tried. my attempt to see if i want this enough to continue it when i'm not being paid to do so. this is my last chance to prove that i do have motivation and willpower and tenacity. but i can't help but feel like the real truth of the matter is that i've been running in place for so long that i don't know how to stop. i can't move forward and i can't still my feet. i'm like a warped energizer bunny.

i'm pretty sure that school is so wrapped up with who i am and what i do that if i ever did manage to get away from it, i would probably stop breathing. 

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