we fail at everything we ever even try to attempt

so this morning i wrote a post and drafted it (because apparently i'm incapable of publishing anymore?) that was basically talking about how unproductive and worthless at life i was being... because i get like that sometimes. anyway, right now i feel like i completely turned this day around, so let's compare, shall we?

this morning i said that because our internet played dead for most of yesterday i had an assignment due tonight that i wasn't even started on. i totally finished that assignment in an hour, wrote the report for it, and submitted it earlier than on time. i rock.

i also said that i was "going nowhere really, really fast" in my pathetic nanowrimo attempt. i've switched stories a few times which is technically frowned upon and would get seven hundred words or so into something before hitting a ginormous brick wall and deciding that i just couldn't continue. after a very productive writing session with the awesome Ash (or The Flea if you read other people's comments on my blog) and forcing myself to stick with one story (though i'm not even sure how good it is or if i can write fifty thousand words on it) i am four thousand plus words in. yes, still technically behind, but whatever. i'm doing better than you. (unless i'm not in which case please don't mention it to me because you'll just make me feel bad.)

i also said that there were a few emails i've been putting off writing for weeks now and some stuff i needa send to our apparently very disorganized cultural mission (because they had all of this a month and a half ago. what did they do? eat it?) to quiet their threats to stop my monthly money. okay, so this still needs to be done but that's okay.

i also went to class and forgot my notebook so i paid attention. it's amazing the things you learn when you're not doodling and writing out short stories while some guy at the front rambles on. i also got fifteen postcards written for the postcard exchange i am doing. i'm gonna write the last four tonight and then send them all out tomorrow. i have some extra ones so if you would like to get a postcard from me, send me your address (comment/email/formspring/whatever) and i will send it out because snail mail is awesome and you all deserve some awesomeness in your lives. it doesn't matter if you live across the street from me or across the world, send me your address and i'll send you a card.

finally, my sister is a loser and wasn't answering my calls so i scrapped my plans to go out for dinner (though i've been craving broccoli and cheese soup for weeks now) and ate on campus. i decided to try a new flavor vitamin water and the facebook created flavor (black cherry-lime) was suggested to me. can i just say, EWWW. facebook people, what in the world were you thinking? it tastes like i'm drinking cough syrup mixed with gasoline. every sip makes me sicker (because yes i'm finishing it and getting my money's worth. plus i'm thirsty and don't feel like walking back to the convenience store.) blech.

oh wait, this is the final thought: i'm using the title i was gonna use this morning because a) i don't feel like thinking of a new one and b) i was just listening to the song. no i don't care that it no longer fits with the post.

*The Future Freaks Me Out - Motion City Soundtrack

i don't know who you are

"He'll be famous - a legend - I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in future - there will be books written about Harry - every child in our world will know his name!" 

~Minerva McGonagall, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone 

when you read this line, you can't help but think how prophetic it turned out to be and wonder if rowling knew the literary monster she had on her hands from then. i mean, who hasn't heard of harry potter? even the people who have never read a word of the books or watched a minute of the movies can't miss the media attention and the merchandise and the references. right? i didnt think it was possible to not know harry potter.

and then i met the girl in my class.

my professor was talking about dictionary attacks (basically when you try and crack a password by guessing all the words in a dictionary) and how sometimes you need to create your own dictionary because something like webster's wouldn't have all possible words, like when literary references are used. he was telling us about a child pornography case where the encryption password was 'snape' and he found it by creating a dictionary by indexing the sites the suspect visited online.

girl in class: umm... what's a snape?
*me and professor look incredulous*
him: professor snape?
her: *stares blankly*
him: you know... from harry potter?
her: *stares blankly*
him: wow, you really need to read more. the boy wizard who fights an evil wizard...
her: ooohh is that the movie thing that's coming out?
him: yeah... but it was a book first.

after class she was telling me that she really should read more, but he couldn't expect everyone to be familiar with every book ever written. well, yeah, maybe not. but how in the world she's lived this long and managed to not know who harry potter is is beyond me.

anyway, i am off to try and write fifteen hundred plus words before bed. you can watch my nano progress throughout the month by that progress bar thingie on the left. you know, in case you missed it.

*I'm With You - Avril Lavigne

how'd we get here so fast?

do you know what day it is, blog readers? november first. as in, nanowrimo starts/started today. how and when did this happen?? last time i checked, i still had time... time to think of what to write and organize my schedule in a way to give me time to write and... and...  i dont know just time. but it seems like time has been a scarce commodity lately and suddenly there is just no more of it. over eight hours into nanowrimo and i have yet to type a single word, or even think of what that single word should be.

aside from not starting my novel, i had a slight lapse in responsibility last week which led to me realizing a day late that i had homework due. my professor, though, was nice enough to give me a few extra days to finish it. so i have to do that homework, along with the one due this week, along with a midterm due thursday, and suddenly writing a novel seems an utterly pointless and terribly attractive way to spend my time.

i know you have all been horribly missing my blog posts lately (stop rolling your eyes, it could happen), and i wish i had some really cool story about alien abductions and pirate kidnappings that resulted in no internet access or something, but i don't. what i do have is a whole bunch of unpublished drafts from the past week and a steadily growing pile of things i need to do/should have already done that brings along a creeping sense of i-might-start-to-get-overwhelmed-if-i-think-about-this. but my dad came back from saudi arabia yesterday (didn't know he was gone? don't worry, neither did anyone else i know apparently) and things could possibly go back to the way my dull, boring life used to be before the end of the summer. possibly.

but enough about that, i need to go start being responsible so i can start being irresponsible and possibly start noveling today. (i'll probably end up starting my november tomorrow :/ that's okay right? right?! don't judge me i can still finish a novel in a month minus a day.) hope your novembers are off to a better start than mine!

Update: so i decided i couldn't start responsibility until i started irresponsibility and am now thirty four words into a novel that could literally go just about anywhere at the moment. i can now relax and start checking off homework assignments.

*Closer - Low

i'll wait for you 'cause i don't know what else i can do

let me start by saying that i hate stink bugs, from the very depths of my soul. this is not a hatred stemming from fear or anything. i do not hate them because it is suddenly the cool thing to do. my hatred for them goes way back. suffice it to say, i saw way too many of them around the house, even before the rest of DC seemed to notice enough to complain. i refuse to kill bugs (i wrote a post sometime back explaining why that you can read if you want, but i don't feel like looking for it), but i actually enjoy killing these. they deserve death by shoe (which is usually what i kill them with) and i am more than happy to be the one that gives it to them. but anyway, on to my story.

a couple weeks ago, a stinkbug landed on my screen, and there it stayed. not moving. day in and day out. through the crazy rain storm we had and the days where the sunlight filtering into my room was falling over the edge between comfortable and too hot. through misty drizzles and crisp autumn winds. this bug just sat there, not running for shelter, not cowering from the elements. it was just there. my mind went to the obvious conclusion that he (she?) was dead. there was no other explanation. i don't know much about stinkbugs, but they have to eat at least a few times in two weeks, don't they? i was thinking that i should probably get the dead body off my screen, but really didn't feel like opening my window when i have been irrationally cold lately. (it's irrational because no one else in my family seems to feel it, and they all look at me like i'm crazy when i suggest turning up the heater or lighting the house on fire for warmth.)

the other day, while "writing my paper" i noticed another stinkbug come to my screen. great, i thought, the stupid carcass (can you use the word carcass for dead bug bodies? or does it only apply to animals? are bugs considered animals in any sense of the word? these are the kind of questions that plague my mind when i am trying to write a paper and a blog post at the same time.) is attracting the rest of its people. and then, do you know what happened?! the dead stink bug, the one that hadn't moved a single leg in the past two weeks, got up and walked over to it! like, the second it landed on my screen. as if it was just waiting there for it the entire time, and that was why it was impersonating a creepy little statue. as if it couldn't move before because it might have missed the arrival of this second stinkbug. as if he was so madly in love with it that the long wait through crazy weather was totally worth it. real sweet and everything.

anyway, the two stupid bugs found a way to the inside of my screen (because it got pushed out a bit so they can come in from the bottom. i haven't gotten around to fixing this, because, like i said, i haven't been in a mood to open windows.) and were trapped between the screen and glass. so i opened my window (slowly so i wouldn't scare them into some little buzzy flying frenzy as they tried to escape)... and smashed them both. because, really, these are stinkbugs and i hate them. and they all need to die, romantic or not.

*Wait For You - Elliot Yamin

where you lead, i will follow

so... i miss this show. i don't watch much tv anymore (or like ever besides nick when my brothers have it on) but i would if gilmore girls was still on (or LOST). i know there are a bunch of shows that are supposed to be real gems, but i dunno... i just dont.

*Where You Lead - Carole King

do it for the living and do it for the dead, do it for the monsters under your bed, do it for the teenagers and do it for your mom

i remember having a conversation with two friends last year about drinking water from the bathroom sink. one said she did it all the time, the other thought it was the grossest thing in the world. "i'm sure it's clean... enough, but ew. i don't drink tap water," was how she described it. while we are discussing the possible grossness of drinking tap water, 38,000 kids are dying every week because they can't get any clean water to drink, which, by the way, was declared a human right by the UN. a lot of people i know, including my friend, drink bottled water instead. (the US, Mexico, and China use more bottled water than anywhere else, with the US using an average of 200 bottles per person per year. 86% of these are never recycled. read this for more bottled water information. there's even a video to watch at the end of that page.)

now, i'm not telling you all to stop drinking bottled water and switch to tap (or buy yourself a brita filter) to save the world (except that i totally am). instead, i'm just going to open your eyes to a few ways you're spending water every day that you probably didn't know about (i know a lot of these came as a surprise to me):

[one] charging an iPhone uses up half a liter of water (power plants don't run on love). on an average day, a US power plant will use 500 billion liters of fresh water. (can't grasp how much that is? well, it's more than double what flows through the Nile.)

[two] look at you're outfit. it takes 1,800 gallons of water to grow enough cotton for one pair of jeans, and 400 gallons of water to grow enough cotton for a plain cotton shirt.

[three] think about what you eat in a day - the normal stuff. that is all using way more water than you think. it takes 200 liters of water to produce one cup of milk, 140 liters for a cup of black coffee (53 gallons to make a to-go latte), 185 liters to make a bag of chips, 135 liters for an egg, and a whopping 2,400 liters for just one hamburger. (and no, i'm not talking about a big mac or a triple whopper with cheese.)

[four] it takes 39, 090 gallons of water to make a car. each tire requires 518 gallons of water to be made.

when you're using that much water without even realizing it, do you really want to waste extra water by not turning off the faucet while you brush your teeth or taking showers that span hours?

interesting fact: more people have access to a cell phone than a toilet. (that means water is getting contaminated with sewage.)

interesting fact number two: unsafe drinking water kills more people every year than all forms of violence, including war.

why the sudden interest in water? it's Blog Action Day and the water issue is this year's topic. it's a much bigger issue than you may think (you know, if you live under a rock or in a cloud of self-involvement or something). so make yourself useful and get off your computer that is using way to much water to be powered and go dig till you find a spring or well or something. or, you could just spread the word, try to use less water, and maybe donate to a water cause?

*Loose Lips - Kimya Dawson

can't believe it's that time of year again

i have a fifteen-ish page paper due in exactly five hours and thirty five minutes, complete with practical research and a comparison between two programs that i have yet to download, or even choose. i wrote slightly more than two pages yesterday morning and have three bullet points of where i want the research section to go before i get into my own investigations. i actually really like the topic i'm writing about for once, and the research is interesting-ish.

instead of buckling down to write the paper, though, i just wasted a good forty minutes or so on the nanowrimo newly-ish (yeah, i dunno what's with me and ishes today)relaunched website. because, yes, it is almost that time of year again. (can you believe it has already been an entire year since the last nanowrimo? and sincerely, mr. nobody is still sitting barely edited and mostly ignored on my desktop.) in nineteen days i will, along with tons of other people who are equally insane, be writing furiously to get out at least fifty thousand words in a month. like last year (though none of you listened), i think you should all try it. if you do, add me as a writing buddy (sarah_k). last year the days leading up to nanowrimo found me struggling to find a plot to write. this year is worse, because not only do i not really know what to write, it seems as though i have forgotten how. after shutting off my brain for the past couple of months, i'm not sure if i can get in a creative mood before november starts. i did however read something this morning which inspired one sentence to pop into my head. it's not much, but it's all i have at the moment. what do you think? can i remember how to write fast enough to write an entire novel based off of one barely coherent sentence? i'm excited to try.

i am trying to pull myself out of nanoland to work on computer forensics, but i'm already working out how i can maybe talk my way out of getting in trouble for not finishing my paper today. the paper is due the week before the midterm. next week we don't have class and the week after that is the midterm. he likes everything in hard copy so i'm smart enough to know that that means it is due today. but do you think i could pull of stupid and get away with it? say i forgot next week was classless? maybe? as long as there is a shred of hope, i just can't force myself into last-minute work mode. gah.

*That Time of Year - Sick Puppies

shortly after i finished writing that last post, my mom called me. her and my dad have been living at the hospital for the past week to stay with my uncle, who was battling the last stages pancreatic cancer. this morning, he lost the battle. in a few hours they were going to fly him back to saudi arabia to see the two kids of his that couldn't come here and all of his brothers/sisters/nieces/nephews and mom for the last time.

i'm really good at compartmentalizing and have been keeping my mind on a tight leash and focusing on house-ish things with more concentration than strictly necessary for the past few weeks. at the moment, i think i'm kinda shocked, but soon, i know, the compartments will start to crumble and i'll be forced to actually deal with stuff. i dunno, it always comes as a complete surprise for me when people die. this was in no way a sudden death. a part of me has been waiting for the call for days now. a part of me has also been saying that it might be better for him to die. (if it were me, i'd either want to die or to be getting better. slowly and painfully deteriorating just seems like the worst possible thing to happen. ever.) but despite all of that, i'm still shocked. i'm still numb. i'm still surprised enough to lose myself in a foggy denial. this won't last long, i know. the fog will lift and i'll be forced to acknowledge the reality, the grief, the emptiness.

don't bother waking me at five in the morning

what is it about five in the morning that makes it impossible for my body to feel rested? i mean, it doesn't matter how much i sleep, when my alarm goes off at five and very rudely drags me out of my sleep, i could swear i've just shut my eyes and i'm overcome with urges to throw the stupid clock at the wall. i don't, of course. partly because it's attached to the wall and i can't movie it without moving my bookcases (and really, who wants to do that at five in the morning?) and partly because i have actually grown pretty attached to the little pest. so instead of throwing it against the wall, i pull myself out of bed and walk to the other side of the room to turn it off before it wakes up my sister. (yes, i put my alarm clock far-ish away from me so that i can't just hit snooze and end up oversleeping. it works really well in theory, but in real life i tend to get up, walk over to it, decide i don't want to make this same walk every minute and a half for the next ten minutes, turn off the clock and say there's no way i'll actually fall back asleep in that short amount of time, and wake up an hour and a half later for the frantic rush of getting ready before i'm even later.)

things have been... hectic around here lately, to say the very least, and i've seen way too much of five in the morning. when i go to sleep at two and wake up at seven, i'm perfectly fine. so the first night i figured, sleeping at twelve will be fine. it wasn't. nor was it the next night. or when i started sleeping at eleven:thirty. when i sleep for seven hours a night, i'm more than fine. you can't be more rested than i am. so last night i went to sleep at ten:thirty. that's seven and a half hours, people! and yet, all i want to do is crawl into bed and sleep forever.

so i have decided that i do not like five am anymore. i used to be okay with it. every day of high school started at five for me, and i never complained once. (okay, so i might have, but i still didn't mind it that much.) but now i'm too old to endure it and too young to enjoy it. gah.

*Five in the Morning - A (i feel like i'm cheating because i've never heard of this song before in my life, but i'm lazy and google told me to use it.)

but you, you speak my language

the other day, as i was waiting at the bus stop, i met my soulmate. i think that in the fifteen minutes that we spent talking, he became one of my favorite people.

i was reading angels and demons (which i was given to read well over a year ago and just never got around to doing because i kept pushing it to the end of my to-read list. i finally picked it up a couple of days ago, but i'm only about sixty pages in. my slow reading pace and the fact that i didnt even touch it at all yesterday have less to do with the book itself than with the current state of my mind, i think, and the fact that i haven't had much time to really sink into it yet. but i digress.) and i vaguely notice a guy join me on the bus stop bench. it's quiet for a minute, and then out of nowhere he says (really loudly), "oooooh." i look up, confused, and he says, "i saw the illuminati sign *points to page i was reading* and i couldn't remember where i had seen it before. my mind kept telling me the da vinci code, but i knew it wasn't it. angels and demons, right?" i say yes and we launch into a conversation about the movie (which i won't see until after i read the book) and how it was so much better than the da vinci code movie (which he had to stop watching halfway through because he hated it so much).

anyway, we talked about books and movie adaptations and then branched off into other things. and he was smart and witty and could speak without sounding like a moron. being in IT for so long (and okay, being completely antisocial has helped, too), it's been a while since i've met someone new that has interests outside of a screen and actually possesses a vocabulary that lets them articulate what they mean. it was refreshing to know that people like him still existed. when the conversation died down, he pulled out his book and we each sat at the bus stop, completely involved in our own fictional worlds. a few minutes later, my bus came and i haven't seen him since.

and yes, you may have noticed from my story that i was at the bus stop ridiculously early that day. parking, which usually takes me twenty minutes of circling, was surprisingly really easy to find. i was annoyed at first that i would have to wait so long, but if i had gotten there at my usual time, i may not have met him. 

*You Speak My Language - Morphine