it's march!!!

that means i'm having a baby this month!

aaaahhhhhh!!!!

that is all. 

these are just a couple of my cravings

there are fourteen days until my estimated due date. that's exactly two weeks. i have gone between nervous and excited so many times that i am now stuck in some sort of weird dazed limbo. baby clothes and sheets and everything else are washed. take home outfits from the hospital are chosen and packed. bassinet will be set up today and car seat is being installed on sunday. the list of last minute items to get on saturday is shorter than i thought possible, and really only has one item on it that will be used before four months. i filled my car with gas on wednesday even though i still had almost a quarter of a tank left. (i never fill up my car unless i am at E or the line right above it.)

with my pregnancy drawing to a close, i thought i'd preserve on my blog the answer to the question i have been asked the most over the past nine months: have you had any weird cravings? and i get it. i mean, just watch any tv show or movie that features a pregnant lady and you'll start to think that all we want to eat is pistachio ice cream with pickles. but unfortunately - or fortunately i guess - the answer is no.

here is what i did crave this pregnancy:

• wegman's chocolate cake. it is pretty much the best chocolate cake you will ever eat and being pregnant was the perfect excuse to have my husband go out and get me a slice way more often than i probably should have.
  
• ice cream sandwiches. and none of that fancy tollhouse cookie stuff. the original cheap ones that people say are gross because they never melt or something. though why you would let it sit around long enough to see if it would melt is beyond me.
  
• ruffles chips. this was perhaps one of my most tv cliche pregnant moments. i wanted ruffles really, really badly. i was going to die if i didn't get some right now. i didn't even care what flavor they were. my husband went to the store and came home with four huge family size bags of chips and... none of them were ruffles. i cried and threw a hormonal fit.
  
• chicken caesar salad. i ate this for lunch/dinner at least four or five times a week for months. i kind of want one right now.
  
• black beans, microwave some in a bowl with pepperjack cheese OR throw some on your salad and you basically have the most delicious meal i could think of. when i wasn't eating chicken caesar salads i was eating this. one time i thought i'd be fancy and throw some corn in with my beans and cheese, and it was probably the worst decision i have ever made. well, tied with that time that i thought it would be a good idea to put both blueberries and raisins in my morning oatmeal. blech.
  
• hot fudge sundaes. this one makes me want to cry a little. i've wanted a real hot fudge sundae since the summer. i have gotten a bunch of sundaes over this time (three in the past two weeks) but they are all either hot fudge with soft serve ice cream or real ice cream with caramel. because apparently the ice cream shops around me have all decided that they don't believe in hot fudge anymore. i think it's a conspiracy of sorts.  
  
• zucchini.  there was one time that my husband was picking up burgers from ruby tuesday and i told him to get me zucchini with my burger instead of fries. he looked at me weird and asked if i wouldn't rather get a side of zucchini and my fries instead. i am a huge fry person (really any type of potato) and so i got his confusion, but no, i just wanted the zucchini. he was so sure i was going to regret my decision when he came home with the food, but that zucchini was delicious and choosing it over fries was maybe the best food-related decision i made this year. i am having zucchini for lunch today and am already excited for it. (of course, i'm not crazy and have gone out to get just fries on more than one occasion.) kind of on the same note, i've always been kind of whatever about green beans, but one night my dad made them with a roast and i realized that green beans were probably one of the best vegetables to grace the earth. i immediately went out and bought my own. my love affair with them has since fizzled, but i do appreciate them more than i ever did before.
  
• root beer floats. i don't think this needs explaining. last week the two liter bottle of root beer that i finally caved and got finished and now the vanilla ice cream in my freezer and i are both really sad.
  
• cheese enchiladas. but really, who doesn't want a cheese enchilada for every single meal? even not pregnant i could have gone for that. i love my mexican food.
  
• strawberry milk. this one was weird because if it is not in my granola i really don't do milk. i will occasionally go for a chocolate milk but i have this weird obsession about milk going bad so i have to mix it really fast and practically drink it with my head in the fridge. i think that before this pregnancy, the last time i had strawberry milk i was probably six. for the past couple of weeks i've been really into chocolate milk.
  
• there was the day that i really wanted chipotle (and ended up getting it for dinner). i'm not sure if it should make the list because it was really only that one time, but i'm putting it on here because it was like a physical need how badly i wanted it. kinda like the ruffles. 

so there you have it: the things i craved the most this pregnancy. nothing really weird. and a lot of them are things that i love all the time (ice cream, root beer, cheese enchilladas, caesar salads) but that moved from just "favorites" to "i need to stuff my face with this right now or something really bad might happen." i've been wanting pickles a lot, too, but i don't think i've wanted them any more than i usually do, so... 

*Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk - Rufus Wainwright

you can't believe it's happening again

in the spirit of trying to talk about things that are not related to babies or pregnancy, let me tell you all a story about how moving to a different county made my husband very unlucky with cars in the cold.

it all started a little under two months ago.

aside from a bit of snow, it was an ordinary day, and my husband was driving home from work. he was probably listening to that sports channel on the radio that i hate because the two guys who do the morning show are chauvinistic, sexist assholes who think they're funny when they're really just gross, and thinking about whether he wanted to stop by mcdonalds on the way home and get chicken nuggets for dinner. (we lead a thrilling life, the two of us.) traffic slowed, as it is known to do, and he eased on his breaks just like everyone else. well, everyone except for the guy behind him that is. because as it turned out, that guy behind him had lost control of his car. if you have ever dealt with a car out of control, you'll know that their favorite thing to do is crash into things. and that's exactly what this car did. and by "things," i obviously mean the back of my husband's car.

that started a period of calling insurance companies and getting the car appraised and figuring out what exactly needed to be fixed and how. then came the part of dropping the car off and getting a rental and living out of someone else's car for days while his car got fixed. which is fun at first, but gets old real quick i'm told.

anyway, he gets his car back and everything is right with the world. well, until a couple of weeks later when we get some more snow. we were out for the day with my car, and when we got home, my husband went to check the mail. he comes into the house a few minutes later furious because someone had hit his newly fixed car. there was some major damage to the driver's side door area. luckily, the lady who had hit him left her information. it turned out that her car had skid on the roads that should have been cleaned because that is why we pay our homeowner's fee. his poor car screeched in pain anytime he opened the door, and if he was driving fast down the highway, there was a definite breeze coming in.

that started a period of calling insurance companies and getting the car appraised and figuring out what exactly needed to be fixed and how. then came the part of dropping the car off and getting a rental and living out of someone else's car for days while his car got fixed. which is fun at first, but gets old real quick i'm told.

after being told that the car had more damage than they originally thought after they started taking it apart and that they would have to keep it a few extra days, he finally got it back. one night, he walked into the house a little later than usual and excitedly announced, "i have my car again." and then two days later we got a dusting of snow. not much, but enough to make the roads icy i suppose. it was sunday morning and i was sitting on the couch watching darcy eat his breakfast and waiting for my computer to start up. all of a sudden, i hear my husband running down the stairs.

"i think someone just hit my car," he said.

i laughed. "you're joking."

he shook his head. "there's a car parked right next to it and the guy is taking pictures. i'm gonna go check," he said, pulling on a hoodie and shoving his feet into his shoes.

he came back in a few minutes later in an exponentially worse mood. the guy had, in fact, hit his car. apparently he had started to fishtail and so he slammed his foot on the gas in a panic and turned right into the front of my husband's poor, abused car.

and that, once again and hopefully for the last time, started a period of calling insurance companies and getting the car appraised and figuring out what exactly needed to be fixed and how. on saturday will come the part of dropping the car off and getting a rental and living out of someone else's car for days while his car gets fixed. which is fun at first, but gets old real quick i'm told.

on the bright side, he now has experience at three different auto shops and rental places in the area because each insurance worked with a different one. so if we ever have anything else happen to our cars, he'll know which one to take it to.

*Waste Time - Eagles

with one deep breath, and one big step, i move a little bit closer

doing things these days is so hard for me. i think my nesting stage is over. in fact, anything related to babies freaks me out, which is why i have a carseat in the garage instead of in my car and a nursery that is only half decorated. (twenty-three days, you guys. it is so close.) anything related to school just seems pointless because i have been having Thoughts about the direction my education is headed (and really my life in general, but i don't really think now is the best time to make huge decisions and major changes to our already agreed upon plans, so i wait). anything not related to school or babies just seems like a waste of time at the moment. time that i should be doing absolutely nothing in because this may be the last time in a really, really long time that i get to do absolutely nothing. i am suddenly overwhelmed by the list of things that i always said i was going to watch on netflix and the pile of books that i really was going to read and now seems like the right time to start plowing through them.

also, my brain is not in the best working order these days. case in point: i woke up last night needing to pee for the millionth time and noticed that my husband wasn't in bed. i figured that he had gone to work, and if that was the case, my first alarm would go off in half an hour or less and i could just wait to pee then. i managed to fall back asleep until six:thirty when i realized that his alarm should have just been going off. the rational thing to assume in this case would be that he had moved to the couch or guest room earlier in the night because i was kicking him or something, and that thought did occur to me a few minutes later. but first, first there was panic. my brain immediately jumped to the oh so logical conclusion that the baby was coming early and he had left to the hospital without me. it took longer than it should have to register with me that that was impossible because i would be the one going into labor if that happened. so yeah. you might be able to tell now why my blog has been neglected. 

along with the bouts of panic and lethargy, lately i have just been so immensely grateful and appreciative of everything. i went through a similar thing earlier in my pregnancy, but it calmed down. in fact, i was fine until shortly before my baby shower. and then my baby shower completely opened the floodgates and i was struck with how genuinely lucky i am to have such amazing people in my life. people that i can go months without talking to and then pick things up exactly where we left off. people who are kind and generous and smart and hilarious. and my family, you guys, are the absolute best. and suddenly, i am only seeing silver linings and cups half full and bright sides. which is great and all, don't get me wrong, but to a serial pessimist it is also really annoying. i'll want to complain about how i need to get up and pee again even though i just did and i just got into the perfect comfortable position on the couch, but i can't complain because i am just so gosh darn grateful for the miracle that is a functioning urinary tract and how amazing is the human body? and oh my god i want to punch myself in the face but it would likely only lead to me getting goo-goo eyes at bloody noses. 

a professor at school the other day ran into me for the first time since i think thanksgiving, and he just said, "you look really happy." and you know what? he's right. so despite everything, there's that. 

*For Reasons Unknown - The Killers

you know you're gonna hurt somebody tonight

i feel like i should talk about the super bowl last night, and how the seahawks deciding to pass instead of just run the ball when they have a player who is basically a human bulldozer that just plows through the entire defense was probably the stupidest call in the history of the sport, but i won't. mostly because i'm actually not that upset about it and wasn't even really rooting for either of the teams. i was simultaneously hoping both would win and both would lose. brady literally jumping for joy at the end was amusing, though. (my mom and husband were rooting for the pats. my dad, who has always hated them, spent all season rooting for them which was kind of really weird, but after the ball deflating fiasco he had firmly turned back against them over the past week.)

but you know what i will talk about? the commercials that happened during the super bowl. there were a few that i liked, a lot that just disappointed me, and then there was that stupid nationwide commercial that traumatized me for life. i was watching the game with my husband and dad at that point (my mom was popping in and out and my sister made a speech about how watching sports was stupid and then went upstairs) who are not the most emotionally reactive people to watch things with. this in no way stops me from making comments about every single thing that happens on the screen (and the backstory that i make up for all of the players). so we're sitting there watching the nationwide commercial after a bunch of other family-focused commercials, and this little boy is saying something about cooties and not sailing around the world with his best friend and never getting married and i mean, he's a little boy so i figure there will be some sort of turning point in his narrative. a plot twist if you will. and then it comes. he stares right at the camera and says that he won't do any of that stuff because he is dead. as in, he died. he died in an accident that his parents could have prevented. i'm not sure if his accident was being left in the tub unsupervised or being crushed by a falling tv, but i just sat there horrified. stunned into silence for three seconds before i could even formulate my comments. i mean, really?! what the hell, nationwide. that is not a feelgood super bowl commercial. that should not be thrown in among puppies returning home and the differences between a father and a dad (though i have to admit we all kind of mocked that one). that is not the kind of thing you surprise someone with at the end of a thirty second ad. especially not someone who is pregnant and hormonal and cries at formula commercials. sheesh.

in other news, i have reached the point where, when people ask when i am due, i can say, "next month." is that not absolutely crazy?

*Playing With Fire - Brandon Flowers

i want it now

this will be a whiny rant.

i have been dreaming of girl scout cookies lately. because it is girl scout cookie season, and i should be able to get some. but i can't. because girl scouts are nowhere to be found. seriously, it's like they have all gone into hiding or something. i suspect my doctor is behind this. i want thin mints and samoas and tagalongs and trefoils. and i want them really, really badly.

i get that selling cookies is supposed to teach the girl scouts a bunch of things, and if the company just sold them online no one would learn anything. or something. but, really, most girl scouts aren't actually selling the cookies these days. their parents are. they are using facebook and pinning up order sheets in office break rooms. and because the cookies are crack, people buy hundreds of them. and the scouts get to take the forms back to their troop leaders and get whatever prize they were working towards. so they should just let people order online is what i'm saying.

the booths won't start popping up until the end of february. the first one in my area will be at four o'clock on february twentieth. yes, i checked. that's like, a month away. and i'll be at the very end of my pregnancy and who knows if i'll want to venture out to get the cookies then. i want them now. and i know that even if i order from a girl scout now i won't get them until end of february (because the world is cruel) but at least i'll know they're coming.

sigh. first world problems.

*I Want It All - Queen

can't complain about much these days

the third trimester is i think my least favorite trimester of this whole pregnancy thing. (the vague queasiness of those first few months was not great, but it was also less regular than my complaints at the moment.) but i am still so so super grateful about how this pregnancy is progressing, because i look around and know that it could be so much worse.

the third trimester to me right now means thirst. i drink about one hundred and seventy five ounces a day  on average, oftentimes more. if i drink any less then i feel dry and dehydrated and i can't make a fist and start to get dizzy and even more irritable than usual. of course, drinking that much is no fun either. and do you know how many times a day you have to pee when you're constantly guzzling water? it is nearly impossible to get anything done these days because as soon as i really hit a groove in whatever it is i am doing, i need to get up and run to the bathroom. again.

it also means back pain. constant and painful. there is this one spot on my back that just never stops hurting. (well, mostly never. thankfully stretching out in bed seems to help and the first hour after i wake up i'm usually fine.) i'm sure it has something to do with my posture, and i'd be more than happy to make adjustments, but i'm just unsure how i should sit or stand or whatever it is i'm doing wrong. i wonder if google would help.

it meant a period of really bad acid reflux. after some experimenting with my diet, i found that the main culprit was chocolate which should have been an easy enough fix, but i love  chocolate. i cut down my intake significantly (which also helps when i need to defend myself whenever my doctor claims i'm gaining too much weight), but there are still days where i am willing to put up with the reflux for some good chocolate. (i have heard a lot of people complain that they cannot sleep from heartburn/acid reflux and i thankfully never got to that point.)

but most of all, the third trimester to me right now means ridiculous emotions. and stupid commercials that make me tear up every single time i watch them. even though i've seen it before. even though i know what is going to happen. even thought it is really not that emotional of a commercial. case in point, this similac commercial gets me every time:

but like i said, even with the things that i moan and groan about, i know how lucky i am and have been for the past seven months. i turned thirty-three weeks yesterday which means there are seven weeks left of this. (could be as low as five or as many as nine.) and then hopefully cricket will prove to be as easy a new newborn as he was a fetus. (the newborn stage has been freaking me out the closer i get to it, while toddlers are my absolute favorite, i have quite a bit of experience with kids of most ages. i have zero experience with newborns. i have seven weeks for my "natural instincts" to kick in.)

*Be Okay - Oh Honey

i am making changes to my blog. i felt like it was time. (plus, procrastination!) i want to clean it up, get rid of all the clutter, make it lighter. so there will probably be a lot of messing around in the next few days. the changes may be temporary. i have my old code safely stored for reverting back to and may decide to switch it up completely again in a few months. but for now, it will probably just be some variation of what you see. (i decided to go with a blogger template instead of building something from scratch because of laziness.)

to tie up some other loose ends, i wrote about one hundred twenty thousand, three hundred and sixty-seven (120, 367) words last year - not counting any form of correspondence or anything that didn't have my "voice" or anything that i forgot to add to the total count. that's only a little more than twelve percent of what my goal was (one million words) so... i guess i failed? i wasn't trying too hard, though, to be honest. and one million words is way more than it seemed like in my head. i have become very zen about failure lately. (okay, maybe just when it concerns failing pointless self-made goals.)

the number of posts i write a year seems to be declining every year, so my new goal this year is to write at least a hundred posts. i'm hoping that at least half of them will be more than thoughtless rambles. (in two thousand and nine i wrote over three hundred posts. i was ridiculous.) 

it's haunting me

does everyone remember the twits by roald dahl? i actually don't remember the plot very much at all, but wasn't there a part where someone glued all of the furniture to the ceiling so they thought they were upside down? hardly an unheard of prank these days, but to young elementary school me, it was the the funniest and smartest idea in the world. aside from the furniture on the ceiling part, which i'm not actually sure was from that particular book in all honesty, there was one point that got lodged in my brain and never really left it.

there's a part in the book that says that if you have ugly thoughts then they show on your face and you get uglier and uglier until people can barely stand to look at you, and if you have nice thoughts then you get prettier and prettier because they shine out of your face. that idea used to haunt me.

now, i had an amazing childhood, but i was a slightly weird little kid with a fondness for melancholy. i remember being in fourth grade and laying on my bed with my windows open, there was a cool breeze blowing in just a few degrees too warm to make it chilly and birds were chirping just outside. my sisters were somewhere in the house or yard playing, and i just stayed in my room listening to music that made me sad. because apparently i was always like that. and to this day, whenever there are clear blue skies and a breeze and chirping birds and solitude, i am transported to my nine year old body laying on my bed, staring up at the canopy, and enjoying that particular satisfaction of digging yourself into a hole of sadness.

anyway.

when i was still really young (think first or second grade) and first read that line, i one hundred percent believed it. if a single thought that was anything less than pleasant crossed my mind, i was terrified that everyone around me would see me getting uglier and just know. i eventually grew out of that, but the echoes of the fear still lingered in my mind, and once i hit fifth/sixth grade, it kind of came up again. i knew that whatever thoughts i had were not changing my physical appearance, but i also knew that there was nothing hiding in the dark to kill me and that didn't stop me from turning on every single light on my way upstairs and flying into bed when i turned the light off in my room at night. (it also didn't exactly help that i was entering that lovely awkward stage lol.)

that went away, too, after a while, but the excerpt still sticks with me. and at random times i'll suddenly remember the twits and how they got uglier because of their thoughts. usually it's just a passing thought or a one-liner in response to something someone said/did, but today it stirred up the other memories. there are so many bits and pieces from books that i can barely even remember anymore that have stuck with me my entire life. a lot of them seem pretty pointless, like a scene of picking up baggage at an airport or gluing a napkin into a scrapbook, and i start to wonder why. why my brain decided to store that little snippet but lose the rest of the plot. what was the point?

and those are the deep introspective thoughts that have kept me from working on my dissertation. i should've chosen a topic related to children's literature. maybe then i could have at least pretended i was doing work.

*Everytime - Britney Spears

goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the one for me

jasper is dead, and i am heartbroken. a few months ago (possibly longer), he started to have some issues. the main one was that he would sometimes just restart out of nowhere and then get stuck in a reboot loop where he would almost finish restarting but then decide to just restart from the beginning again. these loops would only last a minute, though, and usually if i took off my phone case they'd finish even faster. another very frustrating issue was that he would get in these moods where, whenever i would go to take a picture, he'd just turn off. like the take a picture button was a power button or something. he would also do this thing where he would turn off out of nowhere, and when i turned him back on, the battery would be mostly drained. my husband (and most other people in my life) told me to buy a new phone. but i loved jasper, and he was still perfectly usable most of the time, and so i stubbornly refused.

fast forward to a few weeks ago. i was at target with my husband having a text-conversation with a friend about whether or not she was going to another friend's dinner when jasper decided to restart. and restart. and then restart some more. i took off the case and waited, but he just kept trying to restart. i took out the battery for a while, but the second i put it back in, the restarting just continued. i tried everything, but all my efforts were made in vain. and then, after about twenty minutes, right when i was ready to call the time of death, he was finally able to finish a restart and everything was back to normal. 

now, a smart person would have heeded the warning signs and made some sort of preparation for the inevitable end. i am not a smart person, though. i am a person who apparently believes deeply in denial. "he's fine," i said. "it was just a weird one-time thing. i'll never have to buy another phone for the rest of my life."

and then monday happened where any time i touched a button i would send jasper into freak-out restart forever mode. he always came back after a while, though, and so i still did nothing. come tuesday, jasper was getting stuck in restart loops that lasted hours, draining his battery completely in the process. and now here i am on wednesday night, still unable to use my phone because he will not stop trying to restart and pulled rudely from the lands of denial. 

i am not ready for my phone to die. i never synced my candy crush with facebook so none of my progress is saved. nearly up to level five hundred, and for what? i have pictures that i have not saved to a computer or backed up in any way yet. there is so much stuff on my phone that i want and/or need, and now i cannot get to it. and i am sad. plus, buying a house is expensive. furnishing a house is expensive. having a baby is expensive. buying a phone is expensive. i was not prepared for that last one in the midst of all the others. 

for the meantime i am using my husband's old phone. and i am grateful to get to use it, but it has none of the apps i use (which are basically only four: whatsapp, instagram, candy crush, and babycenter), an awful background, all the wrong notification sounds, none of my alarms, the wrong layout format thing, and is not my phone. adjusting his phone to look like jasper just feels like defeat, and i somehow refuse to accept that. i am still carrying around jasper trying to get him to start up again, but so far have had no luck. sigh. 

it's been a good two and a half years, jasper. (it's actually been two years and seven months almost to the day.)

*Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt