i don't belong here

i was born with two ears, two lips, and ten toes.
i was born with eyes that are not great with long distances
and a mind that grows infinitely inwards.
i was born with a propensity to blush and two hands that i never quite learned what to do with.

i was born without my sense of belonging.
i have spent my whole life searching for it.

i have tried to belong to countries, but my soul is spread too thin over the continents
and there is not enough of me in any one place to
hold on.
and anyway, land never needs you back.
i have tried to belong to ideas, but
i am too abstract to belong to something that is not concrete.
and anyway, my tongue does not stop whispering why and how. thoughts don't like doubts.
i look for it inside every person i meet,
but the poets tell me that i can't make homes out of human beings.
and anyway, people always belong to someone or something else.

and so for now i turn to books,
because they cannot turn away.
but i find myself searching behind every letter and hoping that
i will find it with the turn of the next page.

*****
attempt number three to write chapter one of my dissertation failed. i wrote poetry instead. still unsure about this piece. i will probably move the lines that i like into a piece without line breaks one day. there is something freeing about prosetry, but my thoughts today were not flowy enough. oh, and the not making homes out of human beings is from the poem "for women who are difficult to love" by warsan shire. it's one of my favorites. you should read it.

*Creep - Radiohead