Thursday, May 1, 2014

so i lied

so remember that time in october when i wrote part one of a post and then never actually went on to write part two? yeah, i'm really good with procrastinating. (actually, i have come back to this multiple times since december. it is now may. i just cannot finish or post it for some reason. you guys, i think i may have found some dignity. who would've thought?) just in case you don't feel like clicking the link, part one basically said: i have an issue with attention. when i am put on the spot, suddenly the center of attention, asked something directly, have too many eyes on me or whatever, i panic. like real, hand sweating about to throw up panic. my usual response is to say the first thing to comes to mind that will take the attention off of me the fastest. this first thing usually does not have an immediate effect, and i end up having to answer a few questions. this first thing is usually a lie. well, it used to be. i've gotten a lot better at handling this and while i slip up sometimes, i am more likely to tell the truth these days. (this habit made me into a really good liar, though. a topic i can talk about in another post maybe.) after i say the lie, i'm pretty much trapped because saying just kidding i lied would make me look like an idiot and explaining the panic would just take too long.

and now that you are all caught up, let's go back to high school, shall we? when i was decidedly less successful at this whole not panic-lying thing. *cue memory wavy screen thingie*

it was my senior year. i had recently been turned onto fanfiction full force by a friend who shared a novel-length fic that was so much better than any of pieces i had seen before. it was really good, you guys. i was reading fanfiction regularly and had started writing it a bit, too. in secret, of course. (like, i had a password on the word document just in case. one to open it to read and one to edit it.) the first chapter of my own work was just posted on mugglenet, and i had plans of sharing that with my friends. (maybe not immediately, but definitely before the third chapter was posted. who would see it before then anyway? i had a plan. it involved a lot of stranger-validation and teenage insecurity. i'm not exactly proud of it.) the morning after it was posted, though, before it had more than twenty hits or a single review, i walk into school and my friend asks if i wrote it. (it was actually more of a "i know you wrote it" sort of thing.) the familiar wave of panic crashed into me and i felt a slight breeze as my plan flew out the window and i did what i always did, i lied.

she didn't give up that easily and would casually slip leading questions into group conversations. i remember her asking about a title of a movie and i said it was wicker park and she thought that was solid evidence that the fic writer was me because it was listed as a favorite movie in the author profile and who even knew that movie existed. i argued that the reason i knew it was because i had just watched it on a friday night friend get together thing a few friends and i used to have. which was true. but that was also why it was listed as my favorite movie. because it was in my head. (every time i see/hear anything about the movie - even now - i suddenly feel ashamed and sometimes it takes me a minute to remember why.)

anyway, i continued writing my fanfiction and posting it to mugglenet and making friends with amazing fellow fanfiction writers (one of whom i actually just had a brief catch-up session with online the other day, after eight years of radio silence. it was cool.) and improving my writing and lying about it, because i was too far in to stop. it was pretty awesome because i had some loyal readers and i got a bunch of reviews and some friends and i used to email each other whenever a new chapter was posted on one of our stories because we didn't want to miss anything. it kinda sucked too, though, because although there were great people online, i sometimes wanted to talk to my real life friends about it, and i couldn't. i couldn't even mention the name of the story just in case it blew up in my face. shortly after that, my friend and i started working on a story of our own which i have mentioned on this blog a few times. i wrote both. my online life was so far removed from my real life that they never even bled into each other. i don't think anyone ever conclusively found out that it was me, but really, they could have known the whole time.

and then graduation happened and i got busy and abandoned my story. (not the one i was working on with my friend. that one got finished.) i sometimes feel guilty about it and think that maybe i should go back and write an ending for it. any ending. but i'm not the same person i was at eighteen and i don't really want to corrupt it. besides, i only have vague memories of what was happening in the story. i haven't read it since the first semester of undergrad and am not sure that i want to. anyway, this is my compromise. i may not ever finish my story, but i will acknowledge it as mine. it is no longer a bastard, and that's about the best that i can do for it.

(also, yes, i do realize that i was - and probably still am - quite pathetic.)

*Here's to the Night - Eve 6

17 comments:

  1. TRIUMPHANTLY RAZANMay 3, 2014 at 12:58 PM

    OMGGGG SARAH!! WTF ARE YOU LYING? IT WAS REALLY YOU? OMGGGGG I COULDNT EVEN FINISH READING THIS POST

    1. THE FACT THAT IT REMINDED ME OF YOU WAS CRAZY
    2. THE FACT THAT I READ IT RIGHT AFTER YOU POSTED IT WAS CRAZY
    3. THE FACT THAT YOU LIED IS CRAZY
    4. THE FACT THAT I KNEW IS CRAZY

    I CANT EVEN BE ARTICULATE NOW. I KNEW IT. OMG NOW I HAVE TO FIND IT.
    I CANT EVEN.

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  2. Still searching for the story, RazanMay 3, 2014 at 1:09 PM

    i remember trying to trap you by asking that wicker park question. but it was really the beauty and the beast thing that sealed the deal. i remember that being in the biography.
    i also vividly remember cornering you about it in the art room, that little, cramped side room where we did ceramics.
    i still can't get over this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i had that i love disney movies in the biography, but seriously the entire internet likes disney movies. i still don't know how that immediately made you jump to me. the whole thing was just crazy.

      and i was debating whether or not to link to the story in the post. if you don't find it let me know and i will.

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  3. still triumphant, razanMay 3, 2014 at 3:53 PM

    i can't find it! link me asap!

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    Replies
    1. ugh i just went and read my author's bio and i am so embarrassed for myself. i can't even imagine what the story is like. although i'm sure i'm going to regret doing this, the link is :

      http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/viewuser.php?uid=26144

      you could also search for "sirius obsession" in pen names or "a whole new light" in titles. (worst. title. ever. what was i thinking?)

      Delete
    2. Satisfied RazanMay 3, 2014 at 6:24 PM

      just read ittttt!
      and i said this in a sing-song voice, with jazz fingers and all. it was nice! you totally showed restraint compared with The Story (where it was admittedly mostly me that made Sirius into the unbearable love-sick puppy that he was in that). i'm not sure about jenny though.
      i do like your little lines in the end of each chapter.
      ex. 'he might apologize later. if he still felt like it.'
      or 'and he knew there were two kinds of victory.'

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    3. now i have to read it. (although when i just looked at it it's missing the first chapter so i need to check if i saved it anywhere else.) i'm sure i'm going to want to kill myself halfway through, but i need to know. and i remember my story going a lot slower than ours did. like, i tend to be too wordy and drag things out forever which is probably why there's more constraint. i'm too busy writing filler for any plot or characterization to happen.

      also, jenny? could i have picked a more generic white girl name? god.

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  4. paranoid parrotMay 3, 2014 at 3:59 PM

    now I'm paranoid. suddenly the padfootdidit tumblr with its suspiciously-close-to-Riana name might be you. that buzz feed quiz i just took about which hogwarts professor I am is authored by you (jemima skelly? potter verse name is i ever heard one). you might be jk rowling herself now and i would be believe it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. okay, yes, i confess. i am jk rowling. i just hired that other lady to be my public face. i also created every hp related quiz, every fansite, i wrote all of the fanfiction, made all of the fanart, and it was my idea to build the wizarding world. this is why i'm going nowhere in school. i'm too busy being harry potter.

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    2. i knew it. jk rowling stands for Just Kidding Rolling (on the floor laughing at your gullibility).

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    3. this literally made me laugh out loud.

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  5. i can't. i just reread this whole confession. out loud. to my sister. and i feel VINDICATED.
    also just so you know, when i first read this post i called jenine and told her we were right about it being you.

    i also bookmarked this post. i might just die from how much i love it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha part of me is happy that I could give you this much satisfaction despite my lies eight years ago. The other part is constantly cringing at how stupid I was and completely regretting posting this at all and sharing that stupidity with the world. I mean, really, it was buried - albeit alive - and there was no reason for me to dig it up.

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  6. visited this page again. it brought light again to my dismal life.

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    Replies
    1. i tried to read this post again just to remember what i said exactly, and i couldn't get through it. it's one of the very few that i cannot reread ever. i'm much too ashamed. i can't even think about reading the story anymore.

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  7. again. read this amazing piece of work that is this blogpost. thanks for brightening my life.

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    Replies
    1. and here i thought it would die down eventually. glad to be of service :).

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