Saturday, April 18, 2015

and even though there's no way of knowing where to go, i promise i'm going

the year for me does not start on january first, but rather on the eighteenth of april. last birthday was a hard one. it came at the end of a difficult year and looked to be the start of a similar one. i was stuck in the biggest rut and could not see a way out of it. this birthday is different. i mean, sure, there are some things in my life that are still definitely stuck, that i really need to stop being complacent about and sit down and unstick at some point, but other things are decidedly not. i have come out of my rut and fallen into a groove.

this was a crazy year of checking off milestones. i bought my first house. anxiety made it a lot more stressful than it probably should have been, but i learned about mortgages and real estate and signed contracts and talked deals and convinced people to give us a loan and made one of the biggest decisions of my life. it was all very grown up for someone who is still a child at heart, and very real for someone who lives most of her life in fictional worlds. and i haven't talked about my house very much since we moved in, but furnishing it has been its own adventure. i like how it's coming along. (i finally have a library, and that has made my life.)

i was pregnant for a lot of this past year, something i had always said was just not for me. and you know what? it turned out that i was very, very wrong. i was blessed with a very easy pregnancy, and i loved being pregnant. as much as i love my baby, there was more than one occasion after he was born that had me crying because i was no longer pregnant. (the first time i caught sight of my reflection in the bathroom without my pregnant stomach was heartbreaking.)

and i had a baby. it's been a little over a month now, and i love being a mom. it's not easy, but it feels right. i was never very career-ambitious and i made a quick pit stop on my academic journey a while back and forgot to get started again, but suddenly there is something that i want to do again. being a mom is right up there with published author. there are still moments where i just stare down at cricket in awe and can't believe that he is mine, that i made him, that i carried him inside of me for nine months and then brought him into the world. it's truly miraculous.

and so this birthday is different. if last year was the year for deep breaths, this year will be a year of action, of tying up loose ends, of clearing off my back burner, and of enjoying the present instead of constantly living in the past. (i still need to find a word to encompass all of that.)

also, yay for odd numbers.

*Be My Escape - Relient K


  1. anonymous hippopotamusApril 19, 2015 at 4:46 AM

    I cannot relate at all. I hate being pregnant...I hate how I look pregnant...I definitely still feel awe every time the baby moves...but other than that for me pregnancy sucks! It's amazing, miraculous, and all of that but it SUUUUUCCCKKKKSSS!!! :D

    I'm happy it didn't feel that way for you though :D

    1. lol yeah i think most people feel like you do about it. my body was very good at being pregnant, it kind of sucks at everything afterwards. i feel like you're the opposite.

  2. <3
    so i've been sitting here for a good minute trying to write this in a way that sounded sincere and not cliche.
    i'm really, really glad for your happiness. there are a few people in my life who i think about at random times in the year and always associate with good things. you're one of them. I hope you do get to tie up any loose ends and accomplish whatever you want this year.
    happy birthday! Love you!

    1. aww thank you so much! seriously, though, you're one of those people for me, too. it's crazy how we only really became friends the last few months of high school, and yet you're are one of the few forever people in my life.

  3. #yolo

    I kid, I kid.

    Once more, congratulations on all you've accomplished this year! Being a mom is the toughest job I've ever heard of, and the one most deserving of praise. I'm always so, so happy to find things going well for my blogging friends whenever I log back into this world. Well done, girlie. :)