Friday, August 10, 2012

i don't know why i go to extremes, too high or too low there 'aint no in-betweens

i think one of my biggest problems with writing is that, underneath all of my insecurities and doubts and the little voice in my head telling me that i really truly definitely cannot do this, i have this grandiose notion that i am destined for great things, that i am somehow better than the rest of the world. i am flying way too high and sinking way too low, and there's a paper and pen somewhere in the middle waiting patiently for me to just get myself together, sit down, and write. i rarely visit the middle ground.

when i was in sixth grade, i fell in love with se hinton (and i never really fell back out). but somewhere between the time that i read the first sentence of the outsiders and the time that i realized she was sixteen when she wrote it, the idea that i would have written and published a book before i was twenty lodged itself in my head. it wasn't that i wanted to or hoped to or aspired to, it was that it was going to happen. it didn't matter that i gave up on most stories before the halfway point. it didn't matter that i refused to let anyone read my writing. it was going to happen.

then sixteen rolled by, and eighteen, and suddenly i was twenty with absolutely no literary acclaim. none. and i proceeded to wallow in the depths of, "i should be better than this." and you know what? why? why in the world should i be better? why should i get to be a published author without doing much or any work by my early twenties when other people slaved away at their craft for years and years and years before getting anywhere. sometimes my arrogance astounds me.

my life has been littered with experiences like this, and though i'm trying to keep all of myself somewhere in the middle now to see if i really do have it in me, it's proving much easier said than done. i am arrogant and self-loathing and presumptuous and insecure and egotistic and fearful and i want to be a writer dammit.

*I Go To Extremes - Billy Joel

5 comments:

  1. anonymous hippopotamusAugust 10, 2012 at 2:35 PM

    i like this! i think my favorite part was dammit lol

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  2. lol thanks. is it not classy to say i liked the last sentence? oh well.

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  3. anonymous hippopotamusAugust 11, 2012 at 8:13 AM

    i used undiluted apple cider vinegar on my face yesterday and omg MY FACE TURNED RED LIKE A TOMATO! i rinsed it off and it went away after a little while. :D

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  4. If you ever wanted to go ahead and take the plunge, now would be the time. Those medieval publishing systems are now a thing of the past, and you write awesomely anyway. Compared to the stuff of yours I've read, "bestsellers" like The Art of Fielding read like barf on paper.

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  5. that's the problem, though. "barf on paper" seems to be all the rage these days lol.

    and thank you :).

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