Thursday, April 25, 2013

i started out clean, but i'm jaded

the prevalent belief that arabs and muslims are terrorists stopped being "funny" to me a while ago. i wrote about that on here. (i can't find the post i wanted, but take those three instead.) i had had enough of laughing things off that said that i, an anti-social twenty-something that reads too much young adult fiction and watches nickelodeon shows all day, was a terrorist just because of the language my family speaks and the scarf that i wear on my head. i had had enough of brushing off the times that people pulled their kids away from me with a look of fear or shouted some racist comment or another at me for doing something as outrageous as buying a snickers bar from CVS. because it was becoming clear to me that this was no longer the ignorant thoughts of a few, these were the ignorant thoughts of the many. an ignorance that is so ingrained in who people are, that people i know for years could talk to me every week as a friend and yet still truly believe that the one thing that every terrorist has in common is that they own a copy of the quran. this was no longer rare occurrences and brushes with the minority, this was the undercurrent of a society-wide brainwashing. this was a belief so deeply rooted in these people, that they did not even realize that they were being racist and religionist and ignorant. these were no longer thoughts and opinions. these had become fact. the sky is blue. the sun rises in the east. the muslims are terrorists. case closed.

i've been learning computer forensics for years now. and though writing and books will always be my first love, i genuinely do like it. i find it fascinating. i love the fact that a computer is basically a book of your life, and i am given the tools and authority to read it. there is nothing i like more than stories and characters, and computer forensics is getting into the heads of characters that no one could write as well as themselves. it's like a choose your own adventure story and depending on which path i take, i could end up finding the happy family man, the perverted child pornographer, or the angry terrorist. it gave me a chance to put on a cape and save the world from people who could blend in seamlessly with society, but molest children in the dark privacy of their own home. i could help people, and despite my ramblings about how much i hate the human race, i really wanted to do that. i didn't want to be the computer forensic examiner going after intellectual property theft, i wanted to put the bad guys behind bars.

the general reaction to the boston bombing broke something in me, though. the little bit of hope i had that things would change, the faith that humanity can't really be that narrow-minded, was shattered. and i realized that things won't change. at least not in the foreseeable future. at least not when they'll make any difference to me. sure, not everyone is incurably infected with fear and hatred, but enough people are. too many people are.

and i got to wondering about what i was even doing. i've been blindly grasping onto the assurances given by professors who have spent their whole lives working for the fbi and other government agencies that the law really does protect the innocent, despite the twinges of disbelief that were my mind telling me that i was being deluded. i've looked past the fact that every hypothetical terrorist had an arab name and muslim faith. it didn't matter what the people around me thought, because i was going to help people. i was going to get the bad guys. i was. i can't go after the bad guy, though, when the bad guys are my people. and no i'm not saying that i wouldn't go after a terrorist that was muslim. i'm saying that when every muslim is suddenly a terrorist, when the fear people have of the different poisons their rationality and compassion and humanity, how could i possibly help them? and why would i be trying to get a phd in a field where every wanted poster has my face staring back at me?

i dunno. maybe i just need a break. maybe the summer will refresh me, renew the hope that despite all my efforts has never died out without regenerating before. all i do know is that i'm tired. of this, of everything. a tiredness that cannot be fixed with hours of sleep. a tiredness that is different than the resigned tiredness of depression, the frantic tiredness of exhaustion, the burning tiredness of anger. my soul is tired, and i don't know how to fix that.

*Bent - Matchbox 20


  1. anonymous hippopotamusApril 25, 2013 at 6:52 PM

    This made me sad...1. because if i do end up moving back to the states it might not be the best place for the boys; muslim hating and all. and 2. because i really truly am completely and utterly indifferent to the hatred people have for muslims. which i kind of feel guilty for...but at the same time..i truly don't care. i guess i live in a bubble. but all these angry status updates, all this anger towards stupid people. it just seems pointless to me. Maybe its also because i see the stupidity in the arabs and muslims too...the same blind hatred they have for Americans and non muslims and I just feel like its better to stay in my bubble and not care. not care about anything happening in the world outside of my own immediate selfish as that sounds. I dunno if that makes any sense...its 2 am.. i havent slept and the boys are probably going to wake me up in 4 hours. yay!

    good night

    1. i like how you made this completely about you lol. and i mean, i'm pretty much in a bubble about things, too, but this is affecting me directly which means that i can't not care about it. also, i'm not angry at stupid people. i'm just frustrated with the situation and the mindset and tired of the whole thing. i'm not sure i agree with you about the "blind hatred they have for Americans and non muslims." i don't think it's the same thing.

    2. anonymous hippopotamusApril 27, 2013 at 4:08 AM

      lool i wasn't making it about me, but you know when you read something (or at least when i do) you relate it to yourself. and that means its good if you can relate..right? :D

      Also I get what you mean about not agreeing with me about the blind hatred...but I'm talking about the people who from the start think oh he's american i'm going to hate him. and I was kind of going for there are stupid hateful people everywhere...ya know.

      lastly.. :( I didn't realize it was affecting you directly. I'm sorry!! It is frustrating and annoying and I wish it would just end already. I'd like them to move onto the next group to I wish there was no group to hate but unfortunately I don't think that's humanly possible.

    3. lool yeah i know.

      and there are stupid and hateful people everywhere, but it doesn't justify anyone else's stupidity. (i know that's not what you were saying.)

  2. *Sigh* I'm so sorry. There are no words. Before I had baby L, I taught writing at a school for immigrant women who are learning English. The majority are Muslim, so I've had the pleasure of getting to know a lot of amazing Muslim women. When I see people say things about Muslims being terrorists, it makes me so angry, because the people who make these broad, bigoted assumptions obviously don't actually KNOW anyone of Islamic faith. To say that all Muslims are terrorists makes as much sense as saying all white males are mass murderers because one white man murdered children at Sandy Hook Elementary.

    I wish I had some kind of amazing wisdom to share here, but I don't. I'm just sorry that some people suck.

    1. thank you so much for this comment. sometimes i get overwhelmed by the waves of hatred i feel directed at me for things that i did not do, but then awesome people like you come along and remind me that not everyone is like that. i needed that.