Saturday, March 1, 2014

let's take it easy

i think i have finally reached that point where my brain has decided that enough is enough and it is time to take matters into its own proverbial hands. its way of doing that is to make writing anything that is not "productive" extremely, extremely difficult. and i mean, i know that i need to do dissertation work. i really do. but i just. don't. want. to. i'm standing on the edge of a precipice and any forward movement - even a breath - will send me falling off into real phd territory. where i won't be able to throw up my hands and say, "oh well, i tried. i have to quit because of all of these reasons that have nothing to do with me. at least i didn't put any actual effort into it." where i won't just be a "phd student;" i'll be a phd student. i will need to pull my obsessive tendencies from my fictional worlds for a bit and focus them entirely on the government's intercept techniques and whether or not they are effective in increasing the success rate of prosecutions in this age of new technologies. (and also maybe a little on the erosion of civil liberties although i am told that is a dissertation on its own and i need to calm down and learn to limit myself.) and ugh. i like my fictional worlds and my little bubble i've created where i'm not responsible for anything. i really do.

you may have noticed my quotations around the word productive up there. they exist because apparently, writing a little fanfiction is doable-ish. like, only at times when dissertation work is really not feasible. i think maybe because my brain knows that i need to do this. it's the first time that i'm writing fanfiction not because of love for a character, plot, or world. this is fueled by pure anger at lazy writing and cheap endings. i was told to care about two characters over the course of three books, and though they never made it onto my list of favorites, they deserve a real ending. and i can't rest until i give them one.

blogging, though, that's been ridiculously hard. like, i'll be marathoning a show online (because tv is the only thing that will numb my brain into shutting up about being productive) and i'll think, "wow. british commercials are so weird. i should write a blog post about that." and then i come on here and realize, "well that's a stupid thing to write about. i should write about that really cool person i met. no no that's stupid, too." that in itself is alarming because you all know that writing hundreds of words about a stupid topic is kind of my thing. but then comes the really scary part. my brain, trying to be subtle, will slip in little things like, "well, i mean, since i'm already online i may as well get some research done." and that is when i know that something is wrong. that is not how i work. there is no "might as well get some research done" in my life. it is all "oh my god i need to do all of this research by next week or i will fail out if life" or nothing.

*When You Were Young - The Killers

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