Thursday, March 27, 2014

there must be fifty ways to leave your lover

so i was going to put this anecdote into a story, but i have no characters to give it to at the moment and no started stories that it would fit with. (not that i have many started stories at all. *sigh.* remember when i used to talk about being a real writer who wrote things?) so i decided instead to put it here. on my blog. and then years from now when you have all forgotten it, i will put it into a story and none of you will remember that a) i already told you this and b) i totally stole the idea from someone else. plus by that time i will be rich and famous and any complaints you have about me will be chalked up to jealousy. (i plan on spending an entire year being completely obnoxious and conceited if i ever get a book published. it will come right after the year i spend gushing excitement and omgicantbelieveitactuallyhappends and right before the year i spend writing out an entire book thanking the people in my life for being the people in my life. (seriously, though, sometimes i am just so grateful for everyone and everything that it's not hard to think that i would/could write a book about it. i've composed entire chapters in my head that revolve solely around strangers on the bus.))

i am getting wildly offtrack. back to the anecdote. 

i spend a lot of time sitting in a student lounge near a bunch of offices. some of that time - the exact amount depends on who is in the office that day - is spent eavesdropping on the faculty members while i "do my work." for a lot of this semester, one person has been sharing stories about her boyfriend. her boyfriend that she was starting to really get tired of for reasons that are not very exciting (or really mine to share) so for the purpose of this blog let's pretend that he was constantly feeding her pet dragon garlic which - aside from making her entire house smell like garlic for days any time it got cold enough for a fire or she craved a roasted marshmallow - was making it impossible for her vampire friends to visit her. every week or so we'd get another story about how he did it again! and she didn't think she could handle any more garlic and why can't he just listen? and everyone would laugh about the boyfriend who sounded like he would fit right in with the husbands in laundry detergent commercials. 

anyway, on monday the dragon owner comes in and starts talking about how her boyfriend's birthday was coming up and they were having a party for him in a few days. they laugh about garlic cakes and vampire party crashers and then someone says, "i thought you were going to break up with him." she answers with, "i am. after his birthday." someone else asks what she got him then, and she says, "a subscription to i plan on giving it to him after the party."

and if you do not think that that is the funniest way to break up with someone then maybe you should go back and reread it slash imagine the scenario playing out until you do. 

*50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon

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