Saturday, March 15, 2014

sometimes i look back through my blog and am amazed by how i can know exactly how i was feeling or what i was doing on a specific day because it is all here. recorded. forever. well, forever-ish. forever enough. my sister will ask about a vague comment one of us wrote on the other's facebook wall and i'll just come here and be like, "oh yeah. we were talking about this." that really isn't the case anymore. i blogged on the first day of this month and now here were are, smack dab in the middle of it. everything in between? in three years it may as well not even have happened. and when i do blog, what do i even talk about anymore? not about what i'm doing. not about what i'm thinking. there are no more posts on current events. absolutely nothing tech-y. and maybe it's just my mood at the moment, but that makes me ridiculously sad.

(looking through my blog just generally makes me sad most of the time. the way my voice changes. like, i went from hopeful to angry to resigned. not about anything in particular. just about life in general, i guess. and i suppose that that's what growing up is, but... i dunno. i mean, i still have yet to fully grow up and doubt i ever will completely come out of my cocoon of childness and find myself transformed into a new adult, but the evolution is still there. documented on here for anyone to see.)

as usual, though, where there are no updates to my blog there are drafts lurking behind the scenes. i have been starting a lot of lists lately. and posts about things that i just cannot figure out how i feel about. and so. much. about. school. ugh. and books. but starting things are not doing things and i don't think i ever really learned how to do the latter.

i want to give this blog a complete redesign. part of me just wants to get rid of my sidebars, get rid of my clouds at the top, get rid of all the colors... i want a blank white background and grey sans-serif words and nothing else. i will probably not do this. mainly because i am lazy and useless.

just in case future me decides to read through this post, though, here's what's going on with me at the moment: my parents were in ct, my grandmother is now in va, my parents and my grandmother will be back in ct by the end of the week for a bit. my grandma is moving. school is going nowhere. i've been following the youtube community sexual abuse thing. i no longer write. i rarely read. and any moments of quiet-aloneness end with me being in a mood that is a mix of blah, disenchantment, and nostalgia for a time and place i never knew.

(earlier today i couldn't decide whether to write a happy/excited post or a ranty/happy post and twelve hours later i end up with this. i will be back tomorrow with one of the posts that had a slash happy. i mean, maybe. i have every intention to.)

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