Thursday, September 27, 2012

i was once like you are now, and i know that it's not easy

Do you often find yourself feeling good about yourself? Do you go extended periods of times feeling smart and accomplished? Do you regularly wake up in the morning feeling rested and refreshed because your sleep was not interrupted by stressful dreams? Do the people around you not have you fantasizing about the most painful way to kill them? Have you ever found yourself smiling for no reason and not wanting to bang your head repeatedly on whatever hard surface you can find? Well, folks, the answer to all your problems is simple. Post-graduate school. From the minute you fill out the application, all those fun, stress-free days will be a thing of the past. After months of torturous waiting, you will be accepted into what could very possibly be the worst stage of your life. People have referred to this as "the biggest mistake I have ever made" and "even worse than sliding down a banister of razor blades and landing in a swimming pool of alcohol." You will have the chance to be talked down to by some of the biggest egos in industries most of the world has never even heard of. You will have the opportunity to learn just how much you don't know and how impossible it is to ever rectify that deficiency. As a post-graduate student, you will enjoy trying to chase down professors and back them into corners until they are forced to talk to you. Then you can spend up to a week in tears regretting that you ever managed to secure that meeting. As an added perk, the post-graduate degree will supply you with enough artificial highs so that you won't acclimate to rock bottom. This lets every low feels like you're falling five thousand feet off the face of a cliff into freezing water and sharp rocks. Don't get stuck in a rewarding career that has you patting yourself on the back more often than not when you can spend up to eleven years spiraling down a rabbit hole of stupidity and self-loathing. Do yourself a favor and apply for a post-graduate degree today.

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i think i could be their spokesperson. imagine me on your tv at four in the morning waxing poetic about phd school. so much more entertaining than watching someone try to sell you a salad spinner that will also wash your clothes and make copies of keys, right?

*Father and Son - Cat Stevens

1 comment:

  1. anonymous hippopotamusSeptember 28, 2012 at 7:26 AM

    love love love!!! :D at first i was like omg thats great shes happy.....then the sarcasm started. hilarious!

    ReplyDelete