Friday, December 28, 2012

i'm so tired, but i can't sleep... standin' on the edge of something much too deep

stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed. that is how i am feeling these days. and tired. oh so tired. i can't remember what a decent night's sleep is, and i'm bitterly starting to hate the people who do. last night, my mind - never one to pass up an opportunity to make me miserable - continued with its three week marathon of providing me with anxiety dreams.

this time i was taking three classes: a math-ish class, a computer-ish class, and an english-ish class. i was also helping some little girl with a speech for sga secretary because her parents sucked and were too busy for her and she wanted friends and people to listen to her and she thought that sga was the perfect solution. only, because i was helping her with her speech, i was late to my math exam. so then i start running across campus and realize that i've forgotten where my math classroom even is, and i keep running into people who stopped to talk despite me telling them that i was late for an exam, and i was trying to study while running because i hadn't gotten a chance to earlier because i had been writing a paper for my english class which i still hadn't finished. and then my books and notes and everything flew out of my hands and i had to waste precious time gathering them all up. anyway, i ended up getting to my exam super late and only filled out only a few questions. i got a 66 out of 38,095,647. i remember the number clearly because it is the lowest grade i've ever gotten. even in my dreams. it was about then that i woke up totally stressed, and couldn't go back to sleep because, even though at that point i knew it was dream, i had still just bombed an exam and my body was acting accordingly. to get myself back to sleep i decided to "fix" it. as i fell back into one of those more daydreaming than actually sleeping things, i went to the professor and begged for a make-up exam. i remember lots of tears, which i think might have transferred over from my dream to real life judging from my puffy eyes when i woke up. anyway, he finally agreed to give me another chance and told me to talk to the TA who made the exam. unfortunately, in my attempts to get a make-up i had blown off helping the girl with her speech and it ended up being totally awful and now she was mad at me and not secretary. so i told her that we would make a club and she would be vice president and i'd get a bunch of other kids to join and she'd have friends. then i went to talk to the TA, and she was telling me what to study for the test and she was throwing in chapters that the book didn't even have and mixing stuff in from other classes. one of the questions was to describe the importance of live response in network forensics and then do a perfect split. i can't do splits to save my life (or my grade) and the gymnastics part of the question was worth more than the other part. and the worst part was that the make-up was the exact same time as my exam for my computer class so i was trying to do both in bathroom breaks. and the two exams took place when i told the little girl to meet me so she was mad at me again. and i missed the deadline for my english paper, and the professor was not taking any late submissions. and it was just awful. one part of my brain would think of someway to fix everything and the other part would just as quickly think of three more ways that it could go wrong again. and then in the midst of all that two of my cousins were my step-sisters who were super obnoxious and "perfect." and i kept missing family dinners because of the school stuff and they would make a big show out of being there which got me grounded and i had to sneak out of the house to go to my exam which got me in more trouble. and at one point i think i might have been a teenage boy with some rash on my face and i was looking everywhere for cortisone but it had all disappeared from the world. and now i am tired and still slightly panicky and facing a day full of studying for things that will make me even more nervous. yay.

remember that happy post i had a while back? yeah stress made all of that go away super fast. here's hoping that next week will be the last week of the stress for a very long time.

*I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan

2 comments:

  1. anonymous hippopotamusJanuary 4, 2013 at 10:14 PM

    comment

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  2. anonymous hippopotamusJanuary 4, 2013 at 10:16 PM

    hmmm so seems it was hisham's laptop...i guess? :|

    anyways the comment I commented 3 times was I read "i got a 66 out of 38,095,647" and started cracking up! Then I was laughing out loud the entire rest of the blog. Hilarious!!! I'm sorry you're stressed out though.

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