i like to think that i'm busy. all the time. and not because i'm trying to make myself sound important or because i'm pretending to fit in or because i have really bad time management skills... well, maybe that last one a bit, but because i genuinely feel busy a lot. and if not busy, then at least that i have a lot of things that i need to do. so i'll procrastinate and push things till tomorrow and whatnot, but at the end of the day (sometimes week) i feel like i did something.
yesterday in class, though, this girl asked me what i did all day. in those exact words. we were talking about how we did on the midterm and out of nowhere she said, with a slight tilt to her head, "sarah, what do you do all day?" and i just sat there for a minute before lamely saying, "umm... i dunno. stuff? i'm working on a research project with a couple of professors and i TA and um... school things. also, family?" she gave me a look and changed the subject, but honestly, what do i do?
it took me all day today to finish my homework assignment because after every few sentences i'd take a break to watch an episode of the lizzie bennet diaries. all day. how can i possibly claim to be busy when that's how i spend my time? i could have been productive. i could have finished that assignment in an hour, taken another hour or so to finish the research for the professors, gotten a huge start on my independent study paper, and then still had most of the day left to do whatever worthwhile human beings do.
i used to be terrified of never accomplishing anything notable. the thought of not doing something important haunted me. all i wanted was to be remembered. now, i'm starting to fear not just never doing anything important, but never doing anything at all.
*Not Dark Yet - Bob Dylan
i relate!
ReplyDeletei hope you find your sense of accomplishment! it's not a fun feeling to have.
Delete