i think i could need this in my life

i've been staring at this blank page for almost an hour, starting sentences and deleting them, but there's too much to say that i can't say. not yet. and it's getting in the way of everything else. i think that writing in my journal and my ability to blog are somehow connected. around the time that i first started blogging (here), i also started journaling. i'd had a diary when i was younger that i went back to a few times as i was growing up, but i don't think i could ever write anything serious that started with "dear diary" and all of the entries that i remember either started with "dear diary, i've had a bad day" followed by whatever paltry reasons were behind the bad day, or with "dear diary, i have a crush on..." i was obviously not the deepest of rivers. there are only two entries that i think have any kind of realness to them, one mourning my cat that ran away/got left behind and one detailing my feelings about our move across country. but then again, my diary was often read by half of my family - a lot of the times because i would give it to them to read - so i knew that i couldn't ever write anything in it that i wouldn't say out loud to them.

and then i started this blog, and shortly after turned a notebook that was meant for genius stories and poetry that would be snatched up by publishers everywhere because it was just so amazingly great into some kind of safe haven for whining that shouldn't be seen by the public ever, and it all just worked. i didn't write in the journal regularly, but i did it regularly enough that half of the stuff in my head was poured out into a journal and half was poured out in to my blog, and this was about the time that i was starting to take hermitdom really seriously so there was no need to save any for social interactions because i was just not having very many of those. and then a while ago i got journal's block. every time i would go to write in it i would do something else instead until i just didn't go to write in it anymore. not long after that, i stopped writing in my blog regularly. and i think that they may be connected.

and when i don't blog regularly i get out of the practice of writing regularly. and if i don't write regularly then i forget how very badly i want to be a writer. and that is not good. so my new plan is to restart journaling which will hopefully restart regular blogging which will hopefully restart writing which will hopefully help with editing because editing is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. and i know i have said that before, but seriously. how do these people find the motivation to edit?

*If You're Gone - Matchbox 20