brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things

this morning, i made peanut butter cookies. i have a really bad history with homemade peanut butter cookies. they either turn out way to salty (we had this cookie recipe book that apparently thought salt was the best flavor for every cookie under the sun) or like watery and gross (that was when my sister made them) or something else goes wrong. but today's cookies were fantastic. the fact that there are only two left from the two and a half dozen that came out of the oven this morning can attest to that. the recipe is officially going into my favorites. oh, and i also think that my oven has decided to like me (finally), so there's that. overall a successful day for baking.

completely switching gears here, but for the last five or so years of my life, i have been known to ask hopefully every time anyone checks the mail if there is anything for me. there rarely ever is, and when i do get mail it's usually a credit card offer. sad, i know. but lately, the mail has been quite exciting for me. for the past week, i have opened the mail box to find packages from my grandma. packages! for me! is there anything more exciting? (well, except for the fact that she seem to alternate between spelling my name with and without the "h" at the end when i am definitely an h kinda person, but i forgive her because i'm understanding like that.) they have mostly been stuff about travel and attractions (i think she's trying to tell me something) and my list of places i must see before i die has grown ridiculously. i also got a prize for a raffle i won (free little gym membership for my nephew) and coupons for free ice cream and it's just all over wonderful.

speaking of raffles and winning, i've noticed that i've become luckier since my marriage. i can count the number of contests and raffles i won before i got married on one hand and still use that hand pretty well. but whenever i mention the fact that i'm married now, i win. case in point: i filled out a survey when in first got married (it was the first time i put my status as married on a form. huge moment.) and won one of the three gift cards to the gap they were giving out. case in point: i filled out a raffle ticket at a fall festival recently and had to put my "spouse's name" and ended up winning one hundred and thirty five dollars worth of gym classes for my nephew. i'm trying to think of a third case in point to make myself sound more convincing, but i really don't  get the opportunity to enter many raffles.

anyway, good cookies, packages, and raffle luck. my day (read: week) went well.

*My Favorite Things - The Sound of Music Soundtrack

you want thingamabobs? i've got twenty! but who cares? no big deal

it feels like, as a society, we are taught to value nouns. we are constantly striving to obtain the nouns in life. people, places, things. money, love, happiness. we like to collect things and judge others on the size of their collections. i'm better than her because of the clothes i'm wearing. i'm jealous of him because he lives in a bigger house.

verbs are only accepted as the necessary way to get to a noun. the more verbs you go through, the better the noun, but the verbs are otherwise disposable. happiness is better than being happy. we go around looking for the love of our life, forgetting to actually be in love. we strive for knowledge, but the act of learning is something we do grudgingly. we want peace but don't want to get along. actions are too common. they are the things that are better hidden under the rug, pushed into the shadow of the trophy we can put on display.

your verb is only accepted if you have the nouns to back it up. a person who writes is not a writer until s/he has a book to prove it. a person who cooks is not chef without a restaurant to cook in. we need a ribbon at the end of a race to validate running around the track.

why can't we just be content with verbs? why does the end have to justify the means to make the journey worthwhile? why can't we just enjoy the journey itself?

when we value life more than living, it's easy to fear death and forget that every minute we are dying.

*Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid Soundtrack

it's a beautiful day

today is just one of those days when the weather is perfect and there's good food and i can't seem to stop yawning and i've been productive and lazy at the same time and i kind of just want to sit and stare off into the distance for the rest of eternity. you know the ones?

anyway, i was resubmitting a form for my phd application in person this morning because mason is pernickety and can't seem to understand the concept that if i had in-state tuition for undergrad, and i had in-state tuition for my masters, and i haven't left the state, that i should get in-state tuition for my phd... you know, if i get accepted and everything. so i'm giving in my form and the admissions person says, "are you anisah's sister?" which i am and had to confess to, but it struck me how for most of my life i've been referred to as someone's sister. i'm rarely just me, and i think i might kind of like to be once and a while.

i don't think i'll be able to do much concentrating in class tonight. it feels like i haven't been to class in years because last week's was cancelled and i think i might have forgotten how to go to class and sit and pay attention and learn. if ever there was a day when classes should be cancelled so we could all contemplate the whiteness of the walls, today is it. i think the breeze coming in through the window is messing with my brain.

a part of me really wants to sleep right now. another parts wants to go sit outside and let the sun beat on my back and read the book that for some reason is taking me forever to read. instead, i have to keep reminding myself that i have a class to go to tonight. yawn.

since i can't seem to hold on to a point here, please enjoy this video that i find quite awesome.



*Beautiful Day - U2

there's too much food on my plate

i woke up today, took a shower, and then made myself a grilled bagel (have i ever mentioned my love for grilled bagels on here? i lovelovelove them) with banana peppers for breakfast. my husband had a cheddar cheese omelet and toast with jam and butter. we just opened our fridge and everything was right there waiting for us to devour it. fresh and packaged and kept cool by electricity. when breakfast comes this easily to you, it's sometimes hard not to take it for granted.

but for a lot of the world, fridges filled with food is not something to sneeze at. for some people, it's about as unobtainable as unicorns and leprechauns. we all grew up with our parents telling us to finish our plates because there were starving children in africa. as we grow older, we are asked to do more for these children than just eat our vegetables. and with the entire world in a recession, it's not only the children in africa who are starving anymore. when you have a fridge full of food, it's the least you can do to try and help those who don't. just being more conscientious about the food crisis is a step in the right direction, though there are several places you could go to donate money. you could also look up your local food bank and donate stuff there. there are easier ways to help, too, like playing online games like free rice which donates twenty grains of rice for every correct vocabulary word you get.

while still debating about what to write for this year's blog action day, i came across this site which has ten facts about food that i found really cool. for example, did you know that the color of the twisty-tie thing on bread changes in accordance with which day the bread was baked? or how about that sodas are called soft drinks because soft drinks were those with no alcohol, as compared to "hard drinks?" you know how twinkies supposedly last forever? yeah, well, their shelf life is really only twenty five days. i'll let you all go read through the rest yourself, but there were some really cool things on there.

anyway, food. stop taking it for granted.

*Too Much Food - Jason Mraz

i watch my dreams die

i'm drowning in still-born dreams, getting tangled up in hopes i spun in moments of delusion, choking on wishes i now refuse to voice. i'm cursing my stupidity and tearing up the pages of my past, setting fire to older starry-eyed versions of myself and burying the ashes three hundred feet below ground. i'm stomping on the dirt and booking a one way trip to the moon to get as far away from them as i can.

i'm crying myself dry and peeling off the skin i spent years growing. i'm pulling out treacherous veins and twisting my tongue to squeeze out all offending words. i'm a garage sale of parts you can get for a bargain. buy my smile for two broken promises, my fingers for the sound of popping bubbles and one gilded lie. i'll trade you my mind for your stubborn logic and throw in years of blood, sweat, and tears for free. take everything i have; it was never worth much.

my heart is beating out seventy-six rejections a minute, my lungs inhaling disappointment and exhaling failure. i'm in this race to lose because it's the only thing i'm good at. i collect criticisms and bruises, put them on display under the glaring light of reality. i watch my reflection as the twinkle leaves my eye and what i used to call stardust turns my world a drab, colorless imitation of what i pretended it was. i'm sending my imaginary friends packing and forgetting to exchange emails.

dress me in assembly line grey, and take back my imagination. i don't want it, i don't need it, it never did me much good. turn my magic into technology and my art into science. fit me with blinders and give me a map of how to live my life. hand me a check list and i will follow it religiously. turn me into a robot and i will march to the beat of your drum. mine was always off-tune anyway. tell me what to be, and i will be it. tell me what not to be, and i will watch the possibilities sprout wings and fly away.

i give up. i give up. i give up.

*False Hope - Taking Back Sunday

you've got to get yourself together, you've got stuck in a moment, and now you can't get out of it

Procrastination is my soul mate. he's my lifelong companion, the one i can always count on. he snuck into my room one day when Responsibility first introduced herself to me, and i swore my life to him then. we make secret clubs, and he tells me jokes behind Responsibility's back. Being older, Responsibility feels that it's her job to keep us in line, but she can't say anything when, really, we're not doing anything wrong. the fact that we don't do things her way has always rubbed her the wrong way, and that's made it hard for the three of us to ever really become friends. but i've always respected her. it's hard not to.

Apathy and i go way back. i met her when she was still going by "i don't care" and my parents chose all my clothes. most people i knew back then didn't like her, she still hasn't grown on very many, but that's never bothered her. she really couldn't care less. we used to throw rocks at Motivation on the playground - not one of my proudest moments - and i don't think Motivation ever really got over it. she still stays clear of the two of us. Apathy and i have one of those friendships when we can sit for hours together and just do nothing, say nothing, and think nothing without the pressing need for action weighing down on us. we thought about doing something the other day, but we couldn't get excited enough about it.

a couple of weeks ago, Lethargy came over asking for a place to stay for a day or two. at first i thought it was my old friend Laziness just going through a hard time, but i was quick to realize my mistake. Laziness has a charm about him that Lethargy lacks, like the attraction of dishevelment, crooked smiles, and stubble. Lethargy has all the charm of a growing mold. He has not just taken over my couch, but my entire apartment. even the air seems infected with the listlessness the rest of us are feeling. i think it's time for Lethargy to move on, but i can't seem to muster the energy to kick him out.

i'm hoping that november will bring with it Insanity and Obsession. i met them a couple of years ago after deciding to take part in nanowrimo for the first time and they have a way about them that i'm sure will scare Lethargy off. or, at least i hope it will. if they can't help me then i may just have to go play nice with the good habits, and i've been alienating them lately. i'm not sure if they'll forgive me.

*Stuck in a Moment - U2

it's been a long day

today was a long day. a long, long day. today started at four when my body decided that it just wouldn't go back to sleep to avoid hitting snooze on my alarm one too many times. it also decided to spend the next hour and a half until my alarm actually went off and i got out of bed covering and uncovering myself because it couldn't decide if it was hot or cold. after leaving the house before the sun was even considering coming out for the day, i went over to my parents house to pick up my sister. together, along with my husband who was acting as driver before i could really wake up, we made our way over to the testing center to finally take our gre's. i thought i was unprepared last time because the only "studying" i did was to take an online practice test and a half. that was the last time i prepared for this test. add that to the fact that my brain was not fully functioning yet (while waiting for the building to open i was completely slaphappy. the radio played that no no no cat, and i was dying of laughter over it among other things) and i was pretty worried, though my mind didn't realize it at the time. thankfully, once i finally was able to sit in front of the computer and get the test started, my mind and body automatically went into test mode, a comfortable place for me. when i got my result range at the end, i was happy enough with it that i don't think i'm going to bother with a retest.

after the test my sister, husband, and i went out for a bagel breakfast. again. i swear that ever since my brother-in-law introduced us to this bagel place a few years ago a huge chunk of its profits has come from my sisters and i.

later in the day i went to my parents house and say with my mom, sister, and nephews. then my cousin and her husband and my dad came home. (did i mention that my cousin and her husband made a stop in DC to see us on their honeymoon? no? well, consider it mentioned.) that meant pretending i wasn't tired and being my semi-fake version of me that i use with some of my cousins that i am not particularly close to. the overly laughing and smiling and polite version. once my brothers came home we went out to olive garden. when we got home i helped my brothers with their homework, did a bit of reading with them, and then sat on the couch and alternated between reading my book and watching criminal minds with my parents.

i left my parents' house at ten, got home, couldn't find my computer and searched the apartment for it until finally finding it between the couch cushions. and here i am, blogging this in the commercial breaks of top chef: just desserts. and i am tired and can't wait until my head hits my pillow.

oh, and steve jobs died today. you know, in case you didn't know. must have been a long-ish day for him too.

*Long Day - Matchbox 20 

i'm sorry for the way i am

i think that it's just about time for me to issue a formal apology to the members of the IT community for being, as my brothers would say, "a suckish IT person."

i would like to apologize for the fact that i am perhaps the last person on earth that doesn't have a smart phone. the crappy thing i've been carrying around for the past three years or so came free from the phone company, has the memory of the proverbial goldfish, and has a camera that's not even good enough to be measured in megapixels. but to be completely honest, i hate phones and really don't think spending hundreds of dollars on something that will stay in a pocket or bag ignored for days is a very good investment. i always said i was too practical to be cool.

i am sorry that i prefer ink to pixels. i know that ereaders are the coolest thing since the ibm personal computer. they're practical and efficient and good for the environment. they're portable and convenient and everything else. i know all that, i really do. i have an ereader that i love. i named him and everything. but i will always prefer the actual turning of pages over pressing a button, and i am sorry that that is so terribly un-IT of me.

i apologize for choosing novels over computer manuals and personal blogs over info security ones. i'm sorry that the idea of a computer convention does not send chills of excitement running up and down my spine. i apologize for not keeping up with all of the technological advances happening every day. i know i should be more excited for my wired magazine to come than for my writer's digest, but most of the time i'm just not. i'm sorry that i don't want to electronify the entire world. i'm sorry.

i've seen the looks and and rolled eyes. i've heard the snickers and words whispered behind cupped hands.i know. but before you kick me out, i'd just like to say that i'm really not bad at this whole computer thing, and i actually do like it. well, most of the time. i've been studying it for a while, and that's got to count for something. i think the IT crowd is hilarious, read xkcd comics, and honestly laugh at most tech jokes. i may someday even make great contributions to the field, though my lack of ambition makes me think that i probably won't. but who knows? you may one day regret taking away my IT badge. so what do you say we just pretend that i'm not a total disgrace to computer nerds everywhere and let bygones be bygones?

oh, and just in case any of you were wondering, i baked cookies yesterday, and they were delicious. oven: 3, sarah: 1.

*Cold - Crossfade

sail away, kill off the hours, you belong somewhere you feel free

i really want to write. or bake. or paint. or cook. or basically do anything that can be considered even slightly creative. i have that itch that makes me not want to turn into a fat blob of boringness. unfortunately, my body decided to have a civil war and there's a battle raging in my throat at the moment and someone's cannon keeps misfiring and sending shots to my head. also, my apartment has taken the change of weather as inspiration to start a new career. he's trying his luck as a refrigerator right now. i'm not sure if the chills and goosebumps are because of the war or the refusal to warm up, but any longer like this and i might as well give up my human card and turn into a full fledged bird. hey, at least they get to leave when it gets cold. (though chilly fall days and cold winter ones are usually some of my favorite days of the year.)

i think baking chocolate chip cookies would help the soldiers agree on a peace treaty and the apartment realize that refrigerators never get to smell like fresh baked cookies and pretty much make the world a better place, but i can't drag myself off this couch and out from under this blanket, and it's very sad. especially because i've been wanting to bake cookies for a very long time, and there's always something that comes up to stop me.

i also woke up to find that snow white was not keeping a very good eye on her dwarfs and that grumpy (who was always my favorite) has decided to possess me. yup, he's living inside my head at this very moment. he'd say hi, but he doesn't really like you all that much. and grumpy people just do not go around baking cookies and whistling while they work. (do any of you remember what book it was that had snow white really fat and evil and the dwarfs were pretty much her slaves? was that the book of lost things? does anyone know? i'm usually the person people come to with these kinds of questions. it's annoying me that i don't know.)

anyway, i'm going to continue listlessly flipping through web pages and hoping that i suddenly decide to get up and bake.

oh, and as for the title, tom petty's widlflowers has been stuck in my head lately. i have no idea why since i really haven't listened to it since the summer.

*Wildflowers - Tom Petty

you're a star in nobody's eyes but mine

i was watching moulin rouge! last night, and don't you just love that movie? i think it may be one of my absolute favorites of all time. which is why it always surprises me when i can't get anyone to watch it. it took me four years to get my cousin to watch it. four. years. and even then i basically tricked her into it. but she liked it, like i knew she would. my sister would never watch it because she "doesn't like sad things." another cousin doesn't like things that are "about old times." and hardly anyone i know will watch a musical with me.

but this isn't a post about the stubbornness and bad movie taste of people i know.

when i was watching the movie, falling even more in love with ewan mcgregor (a common side effect) i decided that he is way to underrated. he has acting talent, an amazing voice, and good looks (though i know a lot of people who would argue with me on that one). but yet, he just never seems to make it to the top lists of most people. and i find that sad.

on another note completely, i recently read geek love and while i was reading it, especially at the beginning, i was more repulsed and disturbed than anything else. now that it's finished, i just want to go back and reread it. that's been happening a lot with me lately. i'll be reading a book and think it's great, and then put it down at the best part for no apparent reason. i'll wash the dishes and fold the laundry and there's really no pull to go back to reading. and other books i feel underwhelmed by, i feel like they're not living up to the potential of the story or the characters, and yet i can't seem to put them down without wanting to pick them right back up.

*Andy, You're a Star - The Killers