Saturday, October 15, 2011

i watch my dreams die

i'm drowning in still-born dreams, getting tangled up in hopes i spun in moments of delusion, choking on wishes i now refuse to voice. i'm cursing my stupidity and tearing up the pages of my past, setting fire to older starry-eyed versions of myself and burying the ashes three hundred feet below ground. i'm stomping on the dirt and booking a one way trip to the moon to get as far away from them as i can.

i'm crying myself dry and peeling off the skin i spent years growing. i'm pulling out treacherous veins and twisting my tongue to squeeze out all offending words. i'm a garage sale of parts you can get for a bargain. buy my smile for two broken promises, my fingers for the sound of popping bubbles and one gilded lie. i'll trade you my mind for your stubborn logic and throw in years of blood, sweat, and tears for free. take everything i have; it was never worth much.

my heart is beating out seventy-six rejections a minute, my lungs inhaling disappointment and exhaling failure. i'm in this race to lose because it's the only thing i'm good at. i collect criticisms and bruises, put them on display under the glaring light of reality. i watch my reflection as the twinkle leaves my eye and what i used to call stardust turns my world a drab, colorless imitation of what i pretended it was. i'm sending my imaginary friends packing and forgetting to exchange emails.

dress me in assembly line grey, and take back my imagination. i don't want it, i don't need it, it never did me much good. turn my magic into technology and my art into science. fit me with blinders and give me a map of how to live my life. hand me a check list and i will follow it religiously. turn me into a robot and i will march to the beat of your drum. mine was always off-tune anyway. tell me what to be, and i will be it. tell me what not to be, and i will watch the possibilities sprout wings and fly away.

i give up. i give up. i give up.

*False Hope - Taking Back Sunday

8 comments:

  1. Oh god, this is brilliant. This is my anthem.

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  2. thank you :). and sorry :(.

    and i miss your blog. i can not describe the way my heart fell when i went to read it and blogger told me regretfully that it was removed.

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  3. my god, this is staggeringly relatable.
    this second paragraph is when i felt it, but all of it really.

    i was listening to Interpol's Wrecking Ball while reading this. not a good idea.

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  4. i'm not sure whether to feel happy that people can relate to the things i write or sad that they know the same feelings, you know? and i will now go look up that song and reread this because i'm masochistic that way.

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  5. anonymous hippopotamusOctober 16, 2011 at 11:26 PM

    you should be happy because it means you are not alone and its just the way life is and stop being such a wuss! god you and your incessant complaining :P
    drop and give me 20!

    lol

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  6. i don't think i could even give you one anymore. i'm so out of shape.

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  7. I thought that once I got back in shape, I would never fall back out. I was wrong. Any who, your comment on my blog wouldn't leave me alone, so I brought it back to reply.

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  8. i think i may have just given up on ever getting back into shape. it's too much work. and yay for bringing back your blog!

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