your indecisive mind shows me that you are just another girl

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days." 

~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, pg 76

the other day, i was convinced that i had never felt sure about a thing in my life. i didn't know what certainty felt like, had never tasted it, couldn't smell it. certainty just didnt exist for me. but now i think that i might have been wrong. maybe instead of never being sure, i'm just completely sure of too many things. do i want to work as a computer teacher at my old school? i'm sure i do and could be good at it. i'm sure i don't and think the school is going down the drain (or the students at least). do i want to get married? i am 100% certain yes and 100% certain no. i want to live on a beach and in the city. i want to travel the world and stay near my family. i want to devote all my time to writing and devote all my time to computer forensics. i want to go out and stay in. for almost everything i'm sure i want, i'm just as sure i want the opposite. but then again, maybe that's not the case with me.

this is why decisions are so impossible for me. i want everything so badly that killing off an option would kill me. there are times that i prefer having my decisions made for me because at least then, it won't be me closing the door on everything else. i will have one choice and make the best of it and be happy. i won't be second guessing myself and doubting my decision until the end of forever. sometimes it feels like there are just so many things i want with all my heart that choosing between them is impossible and at the end my indecisiveness will have caused me to lose all the opportunities. i just need to grit my teeth and choose.

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. 

From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, pg 62-3

*All Hail the Heartbreaker - The Spill Canvas