i pray your brakes go out running down a hill. i pray a flowerpot falls from the windowsill and knocks you in your head like i'd like to. i pray your birthday comes and nobody calls. i pray you're flying high when your engine stalls. i pray all your dreams never come true.

Dear Mr. No Number,

I hope that, as you wake up this morning, an hour late because your alarm didn't go off, that you stub your toe getting out of bed. I hope that you slip in your shower after getting shampoo in your eye and hit your head really, really hard against the wall. There's nothing left in your skull to really damage, but the pain is enough for me. I hope that in the middle of this the hot water runs out and you are forced to rinse your hair in the icy grips of cold water on this cold day. I also hope you catch pneumonia because of this. I hope you burn your breakfast and spill your coffee on yourself. I hope you fail every class you have today and/or get fired from work. I hope your car breaks down on your way home and you realize your phone battery is dead. I hope no one stops to help you. I hope that, when you do finally get home, you find it has been broken into. But most of all, Mr. No Number, I hope that your life turns into one endless hellish day of misery. Forever. And then i hope you die.

Sincerely,

Me

you may have noticed that i did not wake up on the right side of the bed today. in fact, i woke up on the wrong side several times over. it's bad enough that for some reason i couldn't get to sleep last night, and then when i was dazed enough for my body to pretend it was asleep (if i lay in bed in the dark with my eyes closed and don't consciously think, but rather let my thoughts wander on their own, i go into a dazed state that may possibly confuse my body into thinking it's getting enough rest for the night. is this only me?) my brother needs me for something (incidentally, this is the one interruption of my sleep i did not mind). but after still not being able to get to sleep for hours some moron thinks that two:thirty in the morning is a good time to call. with a blocked number. after being very rudely wakened up, i stared at my phone indignantly and ignored the caller. immediately after i missed the call, i thought of all the people who it could have been and i should have answered. i'm just getting back to sleep again when Mr. No Number calls again. maybe it's my sister going into labor, i think. she sometimes blocks her number by accident. when i went to answer, though, i somehow rejected. oh well, i thought. something about this second call must have woken up my sister (according to facebook, though i woke her up by sleep talking. huh.) and she gets out of bed for some reason. at three in the morning. she starts to drink water loudly from her water bottle and crinkle bags and chew and turn on her computer without turning off the sound so i could hear that obnoxious windows boot up sound. i'm seriously thinking about getting up and killing her to shut her up, but then she gets up, pretty loudly for three am, and moves to another room. i'm just going back to sleep when, at three:thirty, surprise of all surprises, Mr. No Number calls again. i manage to answer this time, thinking it must be important, and you know what i get on the other line? beeping. like someone pressing the number pad. like they were trying to talk to me in freaking morse code or something. i hang up and am awoken a little later by my sister getting back into bed, which actually wasnt loud so i dunno. every ten minutes after that i wake up in a panic sure that i had slept through my alarm because i was so tired. i hadn't. five thirty on the dot, my alarm finally goes off, and i feel like i haven't slept a wink without even the satisfaction of doing anything to keep me up. and i'm leaving the house in fifteen minutes. i'm not even dressed.

Mr. No Number, i blame all of this on you, and i wish you a very slow and painful death.

oh, and while i'm at it, Mr. Internet Connection, i'm super tired of your recent mood swings. if you decide to disconnect one more time i will come over and tear your modem apart with my bare hands. i am so not in the mood for you.

disclaimer: i usually do not wake up in such a homicidal mood and usually have no problem answering people's two in the morning phone calls. i actually do it quite a lot. but if you're gonna call, don't block your number and speak english. or i will make it my life's mission to find and kill you.

i realize that title's really long, but i couldn't choose just one.

*I Pray For You - Jaron and the Long Road to Love