Saturday, December 3, 2011

i don't feel the way i've ever felt, i know

my headaches have been acting up again lately, and refusing to respond to any medicine, even the ones that used to work. think really, really bad headaches that force me to bed at eleven because it's dark and semi-quiet in the bedroom, but don't let me sleep because it's too painful to close my eyes. (i never understood this. shouldn't closing my eyes be the less painful of the two? i mean, isn't closed its default position and open when they actually have to work?) think headaches that make you want to throw up from how bad they are, only you don't because the last time you threw up was something like seven years ago and you don't want to break the streak.

in short, it's miserable.

my contacts used to give me headaches, so i stopped wearing them. the headaches are still here. i think it might be because of this cough that won't go away because my head almost explodes at every cough, but i can't seem to medicate the cough away either.

but that's not really what i wanted to say. in the spirit of confessions, here's another one. there's a little part of me (don't worry, this is not the part that really has any control of what i do. yet.) that doesn't want the headaches to go away. this part rejoices at every failed attempt to medicate them. it revels in the memory of the way the prescription medicine my doctor gave me closed up my throat so i could barely breathe. it's throwing a party in its little apartment in my brain, celebrating and exacerbating the headaches.

remember how i mentioned i was going through an identity crisis? i still haven't gone into much detail about it, but suffice it to say that it's pretty extensive, stretching into most aspects of my life. you know what part of me hasn't changed? what part i'm still 100% sure is me? my headaches. i was, am, and probably will always be the girl with the headaches. not as cool as a dragon tattoo, but it's me. it's what i know, and with so many other things uncertain, with so many other foundations shaken, well, part of me wants to hold on to the only stable thing about me right now.

i do realize that that sounds messed up.

*Pain - Jimmy Eat World


  1. There are starving people in Africa and you are complaining about a headache.

  2. um yeah... that's about right. thanks for summing up the state of the world.

  3. The world always ha problems... Sort out those at home before saving the world.

    So yeah... complaining about headaches and everything else - makes a change from all those people who focus on the world. We know what is happening about the world. It's thrown in our faces all the time :p

  4. anonymous hippopotamusDecember 3, 2011 at 10:51 PM

    oh..look whos back... anonymous how i haven't missed you!

    sarah..go to the doctor, maybe the head aches are something serious. you should get an mri.

    and omg my identity crisis is making me want to do CRAZY CRAZY things...just to make the voices in my head shut up. lool not crazy voices just voices nagging me about all the what ifs in my life. completely normal. :D

  5. Hannah: my sentiments exactly.

    anonymous hippopotamus: yeah i'm planning on it, but i was going to go to a specialist person cause ejtemaee didn't know what to do about them except give me medicine that almost killed me. and voices in your head is completely normal. and what ifs suck.