i feel stupid, but i think i've been catching on

when i was little, there were some things that i just assumed i would learn how to do when i grew older. now that i'm older, i'm ashamed to say that i have still not learned these things. here is a list of things i thought i would have learned by the time i was twenty-five (in no particular order):

• i thought i would know how to draw a straight line. after trying for the past twenty years, i think it's getting time for me to just accept that i will very rarely (if ever) be able to draw a line straight through a piece of paper. with or without a ruler. (a ruler just lets me draw a straight line at an angle.)
  
• drawing a straight line doesn't matter much anyway, though, because i still have not learned to cut in a straight line. i mean, sure, i got better than i was in kindergarten, but i still assumed that by this age, if i was cutting along a line, there would not be pieces of the line on both sides of the cut.
  
• for some stupid reason, i tend to trip over my right shoe when i'm walking. i don't understand it at all, but i thought i would have grown out of it and learned how to walk right. but, no. i didn't. it's not like i'm tripping over it every time i take a step, but enough of my shoes have scuffed right toes to show that it happens way more than it should.
  
• i thought i would learn what i'm supposed to do with my hands when i walk (and really most of the time). they're just there, hanging awkwardly and i feel like i should know what to do with them by now. oh, and i have also been made fun of for swinging my arms when i walk, which i honestly don't realize i'm doing until someone points it out, so i should probably learn to stop that too.
  
• have you ever watched the movie airplane? if you haven't, you should do so right now because it is hilarious. if you have, you may remember this scene where one of the characters says he has a "drinking problem." (basically, when he tries to drink it dribbles down his chin and out the sides of his mouth. sometimes, i, too, have a drinking problem. i thought i would have learned how to use a cup way before i was in my mid-twenties.
  
• i hate phones. i really do. mostly because talking on them is such a stressful activity for me. there are a handful of people that i can talk on the phone with normally, and the billions of other people alive give me heart palpitations when they call. i never know what to say or how to hang up or anything. i thought i would know how to talk on the phone by know.
  
• i really thought that somewhere along the way i would just start doing the things i said i was going to do. but i still do not know how to not procrastinate. i do not know how to get anything done until i have no other choice. i do not know how to do things that do not have to be done, and i feel like i should. 

*Mad Season - Matchbox 20