Wednesday, September 7, 2011

you never doubted my warped opinions on suicidal hate

they always say that when you find yourself in an abusive relationship, you run. it doesn't matter who the person is or how nice they are on a good day, you pack your things and hightail it out of mayberry immediately. everything that happens on a good day is just not worth anything that happens on a bad day. abuse, emotional or physical, is just not something you should put up with. but what do you do when you're in an abusive relationship with yourself? how do you run away from the part of your brain that builds you up just so it can knock you down again and again and then kick you when your down? how do you escape from the hand that's swiping a razor blade across your skin to watch it bleed when the hand is yours? how do you move away from the mouth that overdoses and the legs that take you time and time again into misery? what do you do when you're abusing yourself more than anyone else ever could? you can't divorce your mind. you can't slip away from your body in the middle of the night. not alive at least. and that's what suicide is. it's getting out of an abusive relationship the only way you know how. the only way you can.


so i wrote this a pretty long while ago with the intention of keeping it drafted forever, one of those things that i would have written in my journal had it been on me and that instead went into blogger. but recently, for some reason completely unknown to me, i've been seeing a lot of stuff about suicide both online and off, and a lot of it has just served to royally piss me off. it's common knowledge that suicide is the one thing that no one can forgive. people insist on taking it personally. they put up with a person, tried to help him/her, and how does s/he repay them? by throwing away all their efforts and trying to kill themselves. it's really the height of indecency.

so they sit on their high horse and preach about how selfish people who commit suicide are. how all they think of is themselves, and what about the person that finds them dead? what about the pain they'll suffer and the trauma they'll have for life? what about their friends and family? did they ever stop to think about how their death would affect them?

what they don't seem to realize is that sometimes that's exactly the point and by the time that it comes down to suicide, it's usually so far past that that their little self-righteous rants are ridiculous at best. if it has come to the point that someone is willing to bleed out on their bathroom floor because anything is better than this, if someone is desperate enough to kill themself to escape the prison their mind is holding them captive in, do you really think that telling them to think about the people they're leaving behind will do any good? do you think they haven't thought about that already?

am i suicidal? no. do i think suicide should ever be the answer? no. but do i blame people for attempting suicide? absolutely not.

i read once that a person can withstand any suffering as long as there is an end in sight, a light at the end of the tunnel if you will. it doesn't have to be immediate, but the very thought that "it can't always be this bad" is enough to help them get through. some people, though, are incapable of seeing this light. there is no end to the suffering. what they thought was a tunnel is really just a hole, and they're falling deeper and deeper into the darkness, and they will continue to fall forever. and the people that refuse to see that to some people, suicide is not a way to get back at people, but the only way they can see to end their endless suffering, will never cease to get on my nerves.

*Hate Me - Blue October


  1. anonymous hippopotamusSeptember 16, 2011 at 12:00 AM

    love this...definitely made me look at things in a different light.

  2. I have to say - I completely agree. When you feel like it will never end, suicide seems like the only option. The only way to change that opinion is for that light to appear at the end of the tunnel, for something to change. For me, it was meeting Tom. But people can only go on so long. If it seems endless, and every time you think it might get better you're shot down further, then it seems the only escape.

    And people who say these people who commit suicide are selfish or cruel to those around them, or are completely insane. You all need to look at the bigger picture. if you're never been in their situation, feeling the way they feel, then how can you judge them? How can anyone judge someone who is so emotionally destroyed that a helping hand may be all it takes?

  3. anonymous hippopotamus... thank you.

    Hannah... i think for a lot of people it's easier to judge than to try and be understanding. they don't want to think that it could ever happen to them, and trying to understand what a person is going through might bring it too close to home. so they attach the wrong labels to people to make themselves feel better while passing on chances they could take to help someone instead.

  4. I think for most functioning people, it's damn near impossible to ever picture yourself in a hole. They don't comprehend the concept of a hole, so they consequently plaster their "light at the end of the tunnel" mantras at these exanimate human beings. It is a refusal to be understanding, but it's also an inability due to limited (or bright) perceptions.

  5. i don't think that you necessarily have to be able to picture something happening to yourself to not judge other people going through it. i realize that this is one of the few times that i tend to overestimate people, but it's the difference between sympathy and empathy in my opinion.

  6. But I think people often feel too comfortable to try and be empathetic. To understand a situation so hopeless that death can be the only answer requires a lot of introspection, one most people aren't willing to do.

  7. not to sound argumentative, but what i'm saying is that you shouldn't have to necessarily understand how it feels in order to understand not to judge someone. i've never been starving, thank god, and can't imagine what it would feel like going more than a day or so hungry, but i can still sympathize with starving children. despite not understanding exactly how they feel.

  8. I completely understand where you're coming from, but I think it's much easier to empathize with the starving because it's universally understood that food is a vital life source and survival is impossible without it. For example, suicide in the face of drowning, to prevent starvation, I think, is more readily comprehended. Psychology, on the other hand, is complex and more mysterious than people give it credit for.

    It's true direct experience isn't a perquisite for understanding, but that is the general habit of empathy.