there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me

you know what happens when indecisiveness and forgetfulness get together and make you mess up your birth control pill taking? your body thinks that you stopped taking your birth control. and you know what happens when your body thinks you stopped taking your birth control? i suppose the expected answer here is "you get pregnant," but no. this happens:

body: oh no. ohhhhhhh noo. i'm not getting regular dosages of hormones. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!?!

me: okay, calm down. you can-

body: AAAAHHHHHH NO HORMONES!! WHAT DO I DOOOOOO????!!!!! 

me: if you would just take a second and-

body: okay, okay ummm maybe i'll just... umm... HERE! HAVE A FEW MIGRAINES! AND CRAMPS!

me: what the hell body. you did this on your own for twenty three years. get it together.

body: ANXIETY! I CAN MAKE ANXIETY! HERE! HAVE SOME MORE!

me: would you stop screaming? it is really starting to freak me out.

body: THESE ARE BAD SYMPTOMS FOR BASICALLY EVERY SINGLE THING EVER. HAVE THEM ALL. AND MORE ANXIETY! AND ANOTHER HEADACHE!

me: !@%@$%^#$@#!#$%!!#$&#$@**^%##*^%#!#$

body: NAUSEA! I CAN DO NAUSEA! I DON'T REMEMBER HORMONES BUT NAUSEA IS GOOD!

me: *starts sobbing*

body: HERE IS MORE ANXIETY! AND LOTS OF SLEEP!

me: *still sobbing* there is nothing left to feel anxious about! oh no i didn't bake gingerbread cookies this year! why am i such a failure?!

body: DOESN'T MATTER. HAVE SOME MORE! AND INSOMNIA NOW!

me: i hate everything. 

body: I GIVE UP!

i am seven hundred percent done with life right now. 

i have also been up since three in the morning. i found fangirl online and read it on my phone from a site that doesn't have a mobile app so the text was really tiny. yesterday was supposed to be productive but it straight up sucked. maybe i'll tell that story tomorrow. 

having my hormones out of whack has hindered my storytelling ability. it also makes it very exhausting to do normal things (including all of the fun stuff that i said was going on in my post yesterday) because i just want to sit down in the middle of walmart and cry and punch everyone in the face and also eat a soft pretzel and maybe have a chocolate milkshake. but instead i have to be a functioning human being or something. uggghhh. 

*Dancing in the Dark - Bruce Springsteen