i just pray my problems go away if they're ignored

two months ago, my professor assigned a paper/policy thing for us to write. i looked at it yesterday for the first time (not counting when the dude opened it in class), because a couple of kids in my class had just opened it on wednesday and told the rest of us that hadnt looked at it yet that we should probably start because it was crazy. "we still have two whole weeks," we said. biggest. mistake. ever. i had a heart attack, tried to figure out what he wanted, hyperventilated, reread the directions, freaked out a lot, looked to see if we had learned any of the stuff we would need to use in the project, and then closed the thing two hours later and refused to open it again.

it doesnt help that the professor announces on wednesday that he's expecting 45-50 pages. what the hell?? you think you could've mentioned this when you assigned the thing two months ago?? oh, and it's worth a whopping fifty percent of our grade. just perfect.

so far, i have been trying to push the paper to the back of my mind and distract myself with the fact that my cousin is leaving next sunday. maybe it'll just get bored of waiting and do itself?? that's what i'm hoping for anyway. my subconscious mind has been fighting with my consciousness on this decision and likes to wake me up every two minutes at night and throw the paper in my face every time i let my guard down. i can feel the stress bubbling up again and i dont like it any more than i did last semester.

point of this post is that i think i might have to take a short blogging hiatus due to said paper and cousin leaving. this will be my way to motivate myself to not procrastinate this any more, because i really can't afford it. i cannot fail one of my first grad school classes. i refuse. once i finish it, though, i'll pretty much be done with the semester and my blog will be full of so much optimistic relief it'll make you sick. really. be prepared to gag on happiness, rainbows, and fuzzy bunnies.

*When I Go Down - Relient K

weep for yourself, my man, you'll never be what is in your heart

why is it that when you transfer something from your mind to paper, word for word, stroke for stroke, it never turns out how you want it to? it's never as good as what's in your head. why do the words that fit together so perfectly it's almost magic in your thoughts, seem clunky and mismatched when arranged in the real world? they're the exact same words... they should sound exactly the same! what is it about making something concrete that sucks the life from it?

it doesnt always turn out bad, no, but it is never ever exactly how it was in your mind. and sometimes, i just want what's in my mind. i want something to turn out exactly how i thought it up to be. grr. very, very frustrating.

*Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons

shut up, shut your mouth, can't you hear you talk too loud?

wednesday is the day i sleep in. it is the day i make up for any sleep i have missed throughout the rest of the week when i have more important things to do than lie in bed until nine. but today, people, i was robbed of my extra two hours of sleep. the obnoxious people working next door were being so loud, yelling and smashing everything around like they were on the set of stomp, that i doubt they could have been louder if they tried. not to say i think they werent, trying that is. anyways i couldnt ignore them any more so i dragged myself out of bed and through my normal morning routine. now, i am awake. and they are silent. jerks.

anyway, don't you hate when you have something to write about, but you put it off because of stupid things like responsibilities and then by the time you have time to write about them, you are completely over the fact. everything you write then comes out stale, and you're left wondering if you had just written it out when it first popped into your head, would it have been the most amazing thing in the world?? did you just miss out on your chance of winning the pulitzer because you did what you were supposed to do instead??

moving on. seeing as it's april 21, it's kinda late to be lamenting this, but can i just say i'm really bummed that i didnt do script frenzy this year? (i dont think i've ever used the word bummed before. that was weird.) i was pretty excited about it. i even had a sorta maybe if nothing else comes to mind idea to write about. (i was thinking of maybe expanding this short story.) but when april rolled around, i realized that with everything else going on, in order to write a script i would have to give up something. school wasnt an option for once since i left a semester's worth of papers to the last couple of weeks. family wasnt an option because, well, they never really are. i probably wouldve cut time out of hanging out with my cousin, and i felt bad about that. especially since out of all my sisters i'm the one with her the most (one doesnt live with us and the other is at school all day). so i figured i could save finding my latent script writing skills to next year. i was planning on telling you people to try it out, but i forgot. or my subconscious mind was being a brat at the time and didnt want anyone else doing it if i couldnt. but i think it was just cause i forgot.

*Jerk it Out - Caesars

i'd rather waste my time

so i really want to be blogging right now because i have oh so much stuff to write about for once, and wouldn't you just love to listen to me ramble about failed attempts to fly a kite, 3d bubbles, trips to the zoo, my first day as a twenty two year old, and writer notebooks? i mean, can you think of anything in the world you would rather do? i didnt think so. it makes me feel kind of sad that i have to disappoint you. kind of like it is my duty to write for you people. to entertain you in your otherwise dreary existence.

unfortunately, i have a paper due tomorrow. the professor put down in the syllabus that it was to be a ten page paper. he then told us in class that if it's only ten pages it has to be beyond perfect to scrape a C because ten pages is not enough. how many pages did he want?? well, he wouldnt tell us of course. so i figured fifteen would be a good number to aim for. and totally doable. i might even go to twenty if i felt like it. that was before i realized i still didnt have a topic chosen three days before it was due and neither the time nor the motivation to do something cool. so i pick some crappy idea and try to squeeze out fifteen pages. i don't think i'm going to make it. right now i'm at around five single spaced so that's about hitting the ten page mark when i double space it. five more to go and i have already started to repeat myself. so while i would love to be writing out some of the stuff in my head, i have chosen to be responsible for once and write my paper.

the fact that i'm blogging right now is not going against my word because i'm blogging about my paper and hoping for blogger to give me inspiration. duh. it is also in no way an attempt to procrastinate and push the inevitable failure of a paper to tomorrow, because i am being responsible. and responsible people do not procrastinate. we don't even think about procrastinating. in fact, we refer to procrastination as "the p word" and wash our mouths out with soap if it ever passes our lips. which of course it never does.

*sigh* remind me next semester to listen when the professor tells us to start our papers from the second week of school so i'm not stuck with four due in two weeks.

*The Future Freaks Me Out - Motion City Soundtrack

the fantasy remains, you better come back to earth again

when i was four, i tried green eggs and ham for the first time. a couple of years later i went to kindergarten with ramona and started a paper route with henry huggins. i helped walter the lazy mouse become a teacher, and ella free herself from lucinda's curse. i flew to an island of diamonds in a hot air balloon home, was a changeling on the moors of ireland, and set sail for the end of the world on the dawn treader. i was stranded on a desert island with a black stallion, right before running away to an abandoned church in windrixville. i went to hogwarts for the first time when i was eleven, and have made a point of going back regularly since then. after parties at east egg with gatsby and working an abortion clinic with dr. larch, i witnessed the civil war burn the south to the ground, and built a life out of its ashes. i joined a group of hobbits on their search for a ring and suffered at the hands of my relatives before becoming a governess for mr. rochester. i sold illegally obtained food at the hob with gale while befriending a clan of sparkly vampires and teenage werewolves. and i fell in love... over and over and over again - with sarcastic southerners who were anything but gentlemen, proud estate owners with ten thousand pounds a year, charming wizards who chose friends over family, students at devon school who couldn't carry a tune, the baker's son from district twelve, a man who couldn't quite get control over his time traveling, and others who leaped off the page and into my heart before i got to the end of the first chapter.

*Wrapped up in Books - Belle and Sebastian

even when i'm old and grey, i'm gonna feel the way i do today 'cause you make me feel so young

i'm used to people thinking that i'm a lot younger than i really am when they meet me. i'm sure i've said that on this blog before so i'm not going to get into all the stories to prove my point. suffice it to say that i am generally believed to be a fourteen year old now. but that's just when people see me. or at least it was.

yesterday, i answered the home phone and you know what the lady on the other line told me?she said, "oh hi. can i talk to your mommy?" in that voice reserved specially for little kids you don't know. what the hell. this was before i got a chance to say anything more than hi. my voice cannot sound that young. when i explained to her that my parents were out, she asked if there were any other adults at home. um yeah... me. i'm not sure if she believed me, but she left her message all the same.

my whole life i've gotten that i either sounded exactly like my mom on the phone or exactly like my sisters who in turn sound like my mom. last time i checked, my mom does not get asked to put her mommy on the phone when she answers. i'm turning twenty two in a few days, you'd think my voice at least would show it. it makes no sense to me.

*You Make Me Feel So Young - Frank Sinatra

whatever will be will be

i am usually like this. the future will come and i have no idea what it will bring, probably a lot more of the same, so i go with the flow. there's no reason to worry about anything because there are so many outside factors that affect every little thing that your worrying/caring/planning/whatever does little to the overall outcome. to quote eloise hawkings, "whatever happens, happens." i have little control over what will happen in the grand scheme of things and that was always okay. i'm starting to want some control though. or at least an illusion of control i can pretend with. hmm maybe i'm going to start my quarter life crisis a little early.

*Que Sera Sera - Doris Day

we must rip out all the epilogues from the books that we have read

i am not a fan of the epilogue in novels. i don't really know why, but i just don't like them. okay, that's a lie because i do know why, but it doesn't change the fact that i feel epilogues are a waste of everyone's time: the author's, the editor's, the reader's. i mean, yes, sometimes (read:practically all the time) i wish the author would continue the story just a bit. i want to know about the characters' futures and what happens next. that's the sign of a good book: it leaves you wanting more. but, more often than not, epilogues end up ruining it in one of two ways.

the first is that what is labeled as the epilogue could really just be the final chapter. i dunno where exactly some of these authors went to school, but someone should've taught them that epilogues are not a necessary part of a novel. yes, every story needs a conclusion, but that doesnt have to be set off from the rest of the book. a conclusion can fit perfectly well into the normal chaptering scheme. so, if your epilogue talks about what's happening two days after the final chapter, and your book just doesn't seem complete without it, then i think you should change that "epilogue" to "chapter whatever." especially if throughout the entire book, large periods of time are skipped over with chapters beginning like "Six months later," or "The next couple of months flew by," or "Time was moving so fast, I couldn't keep track of it. Had it been one month? Two? More?"

the other way that epilogues mess up is that the writing just seems awful after everything else. it's almost like the author couldn't let go of the characters but ran out of pages to write in. so what do you do then? you cram their entire futures into three or four pages and call it a day. of course, with all the cramming, a lot of the author's writing talent gets pushed out the window. because really, you can't spare too much focus on making your writing pretty if you're using it all to get twenty years of story in for twenty different characters. a prime example of this kind of epilogue is found at the end of harry potter 7. though i've only read it once (i skip over it when i reread the book) and my initial reaction to it may be a little too harsh, i hated it. it read like a mediocre fanfiction.

though i love knowing what the character does next, if you can't fit it into the actual story or a compelling sequel, then just keep it in your head. save it for interviews. because more often than not it turns into a bad spin-off after the ending of a great show. (remember joey?)

*At the Bottom of Everything - Bright Eyes

staring at the blank page before you

i have a hate-love relationship with blank pages when i am not suffering from writer's block (when i am, a blank page is the enemy), as i'm sure many of you do, too. thing is, it's starting to lean a lot more towards the hate side, while love is sitting with his head in a cloud somewhere completely oblivious to everything.

on the one hand, a blank page is awesome. it's clean and fresh and holds a million different possibilities. there are no mistakes, no wrong turns, nothing that makes you want to hang your head in embarrassment or tear the thing up because it just won't go the way you want it to. everything is still possible, and the world is at your fingertips. whatever world you choose to create.

on the other hand, a blank page is completely terrifying. it's intimidating. there are so many different things you could do, but as they race to the front of your mind and you try to pick the absolute best one, they fly into the air around you, heading towards someone else's blank page that would jump at the chance of getting them down. suddenly, the maelstrom of thoughts you just had turn into absolutely nothing. the blinking cursor begins mocking you. you try to get something down, anything, just to prove that you can, but everything comes out wrong. you either get really familiar with your backspace button or your blank page turns into a page full of scribbles. frustration kills possibilities and the world is tantalizingly close, but just out of reach.

i'm sure i had more to say on this subject, but i just got really distracted by my neighbors and my thoughts were blown away by the spring breeze. my neighbors have formed a sort of assembly line to get their groceries into their house. the distracting thing (besides the family lining up from the car, up the stairs, to the front door) is that they are taking the groceries one by one into the house. no bags or anything. one cereal box goes up the line, followed by a bunch of bananas, followed by two cans of something, followed by whatever else they have. i realize that with the way i talk about my neighbors i must seem like a gladys kravitz, but i assure you i'm really not.

oh, and i have eaten nothing but chocolate and beef jerky since monday (except for yesterday's family dinner of orange chicken) and i am fully disgusted with myself.

*Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield

that's why i quit! i quit! i quit!

top ten reasons why i think i should become a grad school drop out:

>>i always did what i had to do and did it great. i dont have to get a master's. i really dont.

>>it makes me feel young, inexperienced, and stupid. not the best cocktail for my confidence.

>>i realized that i dont like forensics as much as i should to be getting a master's in it. most of these other people eat, live, and breathe it.

>>i dont see myself working in some big forensics lab (which i dont even think exist in saudi arabia) so it's a pretty pointless degree anyway.

>>i know zillions of people that had a perfectly fine life without a master's degree, so who am i to be greedy?

>>every single class is a chore to get through. there is not one that i look forward to (or at least not dread).

>>i am so sick of being surrounded by a bunch of IT guys.

>>i have been having trouble with my mail ever since i started. if it's a choice between unruined packages or a piece of paper to hang on my wall, i'll take the packages.

>>it's just one more thing i have to worry about and the thing that gets pushed to the back of the list the most, which means it will be the thing that pushes me to a nervous breakdown after i handle everything else.

>>the fact that i would rather write this list than write any of my papers says a lot.

*I Quit! I Quit! I Quit! - Click Five

listen, do you want to know a secret?

so i think the last time i posted any formspring answers was a month ago, which may be because my formspring kind of died. feel free to revive it. anyway, here they are:

(Answer to the previous question) or water?
ice water.

(Answer to the previous question) or soft drink?
hmm if it's with a meal, then a soft drink, but i stopped sodas for a while and have just recently started redrinking them occasionally.

Tea or coffee?
tea at home, coffee out.

Is that your hand in the I write picture?
no i actually got that picture off of google.

If you could change one thing that happened last year what would it be?
i'm one of those people that wouldn't change anything at all that happened because of the whole butterfly effect and all that stuff. i dont know when i became like this, but i am. so to answer your question, nothing. i would change absolutely nothing.

Least favorite word?
rural, because i could never pronounce it and always feel stupid saying it.

Drown in a pool of chaotic love or solitary contentment?
hmmm... i think solitary contentment while reading about chaotic love.

If you could only watch one TV show what would it be?
LOST

What was your favorite birthday gift?
i actually always get awesome gifts (for whatever occasion) or maybe i'm just really easily pleased. the top ones that come to mind though are the gilmore girls series from my older sister and my ipods (mom and younger sister). but really, i dont think ive ever gotten a gift that i didnt really like. my sisters on the other hand, have gotten some hilarious crap from people.

Sneakers or sandals?
sneakers... and flip flops.

What did you eat for breakfast today?
frosted shredded wheat.

*Do You Wanna Know a Secret - The Beatles

i hope you'll understand

i found this in my notebook when i was flipping through it today looking for notes for my paper. only, i have absolutely no memory of ever having written it. ever. it's in my handwriting and sounds like something i would write (i think i've beaten that whole you-were-better-in-my-imagination idea to death, don't you?) but i have no idea when i did. strange.

please understand that it isnt you. it was never you.

it wasnt you that disappointed me.

it wasnt you that i fell in love with.

it wasnt you that took my breath away.

it was all me. me and my ridiculous imagination that continues to run away while i stand hunched over gasping for breath miles behind.

and please understand that it would never have worked. if we tried to drag this out anymore, there'd be disaster. chaos. the glow of my imagination had me blinded for a while, but it's beginning to fade, and i've realized you are not who i thought, what i thought, what i wanted or thought i wanted if i had even thought at all.

and please understand that an ending does not make this a mistake. goodbyes do not make our story any less like cinderella's or snow white's. it's still as magical. still as completely unreal. our story just has 'happily ever after' written after 'the end.'

on a different note, it's burning hot outside and the shuttle to get to this campus had no AC. yes, 35 students complete with books, bags, and other assorted carry-ons stuffed in the back of a bus with no windows and no air conditioner. hell.

*Understand - Joss Stone

with a bleak and violent future

in an episode of gilmore girls last night, rory had a mini panic attack about ending yale, saying that the future was a giant abyss and she had no idea what to do with her life when she finished. my cousin says, "she's so stupid. i couldn't wait to finish school." i tell her that she probably is excited to finish, but at the same time it's scary. i went through the same thing when i was finishing school last semester... probably not as bad though because a lot of "options" for my future really don't exist for me outside of my imagination because of familial/religious/cultural restrictions. but there was still anxiety about what to do next.

my cousin's great response to this, which i think was supposed to be comforting and reassuring, was, "well, when you finish you'll move back to jeddah and just sit at home for a few years until you get married. then you'll sit at your husband's home. or you could get a job if your dad agrees to it. you could teach computer or work at a hospital." she went on for a few minutes longer mentioning how we'd basically have their life, but that was where the panic starting to come in. i could feel my chest constricting and it becoming increasingly harder to breathe. i mean, i do not have any amazingly grand plans for the future, but being forced into a life of aimless visiting each other and gossiping (i realize this is nowhere near all they do, but it does take up a lot more of their time than i would like) is not something i will be looking forward to. i like to at least think that i have options, that i really can do whatever i set my mind to and all that other motivational crap they stuff into your head in elementary school. i mean, deep down i kinda know my future will be somewhere along the lines of what she said (at least the moving to jeddah part), but to have it said to my face point blank as if she wasnt dooming me to a life of nothingness was not nice. i want to do something meaningful with my life, and the picture she painted of my future included no meaningful accomplishments. nothing memorable. *sigh*

anyways, on a much happier note, we finally got around to weatherproofing the back deck a bit and setting up a table, shelves, and the pottery wheel so now there is a sort of ceramics studio out there which is totally awesome.

*Dance Party Plus - Head Automatica

in my weird dreams

sometimes, my brain gets lazy and gives me plagiarized dreams. i'll dream about a book, movie, tv show, something that happened in real life, whatever. sometimes, my brain also gets confused about what happens in each book. for example, my dream last night was a crossover between harry potter and gone with the wind. you know the fake horcrux (the locket) with the note signed RAB? well, instead of being regulus who wrote that, it was rhett. yup, rhett butler the wizard. and he was spewing out his gwtw lines like no tomorrow. when he joined the death eaters (for the thrill of it, not because he was evil or anything) someone (i think mcgonagall?) says he's reputation will be destroyed. he replies with, "with enough courage, you can do without a reputation" or whatever he says in the movie. later, he decides that the whole killing-muggles-for-fun deal is really not his thing. his decision to quit is met by indignant outrage by the other death eaters who had believed he had truly believed in their cause. to this he responds, "i believe in rhett butler. he's the only cause i know."

*Weird Dreams - Seize